miracle (miracle) wrote in harrylovesdraco, @ 2007-01-13 12:42:00 |
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Author: sesheta_66
Title: A Long Look Back
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Harry/Draco, pre-slash
Warnings: None, except no beta.
Summary: Draco and Harry each take a look back on the last six years of theirlives, and what impact/influence they may have had on each other. Basedon the song “The Reason” by Hoobastank, as requested by alaana_fair.
Disclaimer: Sadly, the HP universe and all the characters belong to JK Rowling. Ionly “borrow” them for fun, not profit. Oh, and the song’s not mineeither!
Author’s Notes: This is thefirst songfic I've ever done. My plot bunny (relentless thing, he is)saw the request, and wouldn't let me rest until it was done. I hope youenjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Comments, as always,are welcome. X-posted to harrydraco
A Long Look Back ...
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Dracosat in the living room at Spinner’s End, replaying everything in hismind. How did he get to this juncture in his life? The last thing heremembered seeing was Potter throwing hexes at Snape. Potter fightingwhile Draco ran. Typical. Wasn’t he always running, after all?
WhenDraco stopped to think about it - really think about it - thingscrystallized. He realized that Potter wasn’t what he had thought allalong. His father’s words rang clear in his mind, not only because hehad had time to think about things, but because he had heard the samewords over and over again for years.
Luciushad described Potter as unworthy, spoiled, swollen-headed,attention-seeking, and other less-than-pleasant things. And hadn’tDraco thrown all those words and more in Potter’s face over the years?Called him names, thought him unworthy, tormented him at every turn?And worst of all, he had taunted him because his parents had beenkilled by the Dark Lord.
Draco replayedthe past six years over in his mind. First year, Potter almost died tosave the wizarding world from the Dark Lord. Second year, Potter almostdied, this time to save Ginny Weasley from Tom Riddle, and to save thewizarding world from the Dark Lord once more. Third year, Potter spentthe year thinking his godfather betrayed his parents and wanted to killhim. In the end, though the truth wasn’t known until much later, Potterhad saved his godfather from the Dementor’s kiss. Fourth year, Potteralmost died again. The Dark Lord came back, using Potter’s blood, andthen duelled with him. Potter escaped, managed to bring CedricDiggory’s body back to his parents, and tried to warn the wizardingworld of the Dark Lord‘s return. Fifth year, Potter had been torturedby a crazy witch who took pleasure in making his life as miserable aspossible. Yet Potter still triumphed, and managed to lead a group ofstudents to thwart the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters again, sendingDraco‘s father to Azkaban in the process. Sixth year, it was the DeathEaters, that Draco himself had let in, that Potter had fought.
Ashe thought about the role he had played in Potter’s torment these pastyears, beginning with his taunting, cajoling, and torment of the otherboy, and ending with his letting the Death Eaters into Hogwarts, Dracofelt bile rise up in his throat, and he ran to the washroom.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
Ittook a while, but after a few weeks, Draco had made up his mind. Hehoped it wasn’t too late, but he needed to do something. He needed toshow Harry - sometime after the second or third week, he had stoppedthinking of him as Potter - that he had been wrong. To the best of hisknowledge, Draco had never apologized to anyone but his father in hislifetime. Well, given the opportunity, he was going to change that.
Afterhe replayed his own involvement in Harry’s misery, his thoughts turnedto his father. He had mimicked his father, parroted his father, donehis father’s bidding, and tried to follow in his father’s footsteps. Itsickened him to think of Lucius this way, but it seemed that his fatherhad thought of Draco as one of his minions. Oh, he wrapped in all up ina blanket of family loyalty, Malfoy duty, and pure-blood supremacy, butin the end Draco was merely a means to an end. He was a way in, a wayto get to Harry Potter. And Draco had allowed it to happen. Well, nomore. He would make his own way, be his own man. Even if he had to payfor his misguided actions by going to Azkaban, he would never again beLucius Malfoy’s weapon.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear
Eversince Dumbledore’s death, and the closing of Hogwarts, Harry spent histime at Privet Drive thinking. He was awaiting word on Fleur and Bill’swedding, but while he waited he thought. He remembered the night as ifit were only yesterday. He remembered hearing Dumbledore’s words, andwatching Draco’s resolve crumble away. He saw two broken men thatnight, and he wasn’t quite sure which was more damaged. At leastDumbledore could rest in peace now.
Harryreplayed his life since joining the wizarding world, and the role thatMalfoy had played in it. First year, Malfoy had offered Harry his handin friendship, only to be turned away. Harry wondered how he could havemissed or forgotten the look of hurt and disappointment in Malfoy‘seyes that day on the train. Second year, Harry had automaticallyassumed it was Malfoy behind the opening of the Chamber. He and Ron hadinfiltrated the Slytherin dungeon, invaded their privacy, on atoo-quick judgement by Harry. Third year, it was he, Harry, who hadbullied the bullies. He had flung mud at Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle frombehind the safety of his invisibility cloak. Brave Gryffindor heroics,to be sure. Fourth year, he had absolutely savoured the humiliationthat Malfoy endured after being turned into a ferret. He got a lot ofmileage out of that one, and Ron still referred to him as “Ferret”.Fifth year, Harry wasn’t satisfied with sending Lucius Malfoy toprison. No, he had to take great pleasure in rubbing salt in Draco’swounds. The man WAS his father, after all - what had Harry beenthinking? In sixth year, Harry was a man obsessed. There was no otherword for it. He stalked Malfoy relentlessly, and that day in thewashroom, when Malfoy was obviously at his weakest, Harry had almostkilled him. Oh, God, he would relive the sight of Malfoy’s bloodpooling on the washroom floor every night in his dreams - nightmares,actually - until the day he died, he was sure of it.
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Themore he thought about Draco - Malfoy was his father’s name, and Harryno longer wanted to think of him as merely an extension of LuciusMalfoy - the more he realized that Draco had been stuck in his ownversion of his destiny, just like Harry had. Unfortunately for him,Draco was the son of one sick wizard. Harry remembered Lucius Malfoy’swords over the years, his tone of voice, his sneer. He hadn’t seen himvery often, but Harry could tell that Draco tried very hard to be likehis father. Harry wondered now if that was the only way he felt worthyof the older Malfoy’s love.
Theknowledge that Harry had assumed Draco was just like Lucius sickenedhim now. Draco was no more the man that had licked Voldemort’s feetthan Harry was the attention-seeking prat that Lily Evans had detested.Draco wasn’t the Death Eater right-hand of evil any more than Harry wasthe boy who had bullied the teenage Snape back at Hogwarts. Oh, Dracowas not some sweet, misunderstood young boy. But then neither wasHarry, if he was truthful with himself. Harry had started life with agood family that got torn away from him. But what, really, did Dracohave? Harry hoped that Draco’s mother had shown him love andcompassion. But Harry had seen her sister Bellatrix in action. Heshuddered at the thought of family functions at Malfoy Manor. Harryvowed to follow through with Dumbledore’s offer, if it was the lastthing he did. Everyone needed to be given a chance, and who had reallyever given Draco that?
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
WhenSnape showed up at 12 Grimmauld Place eight weeks after Dumbledore’sdeath, one week after Bill and Fleur’s wedding, and with one DracoMalfoy in tow, he received a cold welcome.
Reluctantly,the members of the Order had to respect Dumbledore’s dying wish. He hadleft, along with his pensieve, memories of conversations and promisesmade with Snape. His loyalty had never waned. In the end, as he hadprepared to end the life of the greatest wizard who ever lived, Snape’slook of disgust wasn’t at the weakened wizard before him as Harry hadonce thought. It was at the thought of what he was about to do - whathe HAD to do. To save a young man’s soul, to ensure his placement as aspy against Voldemort, and ultimately to put a dying man out of hismisery, Snape took Albus Dumbledore’s life.
Dumbledorehad left a letter explaining everything for Harry and one for eachmember of the Order, to be sure that there was no question aboutSnape’s loyalty. Still, Snape had stayed away for as long as he could.Until now. Until tonight.
As Harryapproached the door, Draco’s eyes met his. Both grey and green hadpain, regret and sorrow behind them. Both had seen too much pain, toomuch death, just … too much for such young men. They were young menwith old souls.
As Harry reached outhis hand to offer friendship, Draco furrowed his eyebrows, lookingbetween Harry’s hand and his face. It was the day on the train all overagain, in reverse, but what would happen now? As Draco looked into theother man’s eyes, Harry nodded and gave him a smile - the first genuinesmile he had ever directed at the blonde. Draco smiled back and tookHarry’s hand. There would be time to talk later. Now was the time forforgiveness and a fresh start.