No fingers pointing. Except perhaps Asya’s own. At herself perhaps more than anyone. Yes, most certainly at herself. No, most definitely at herself, now that she thought of it. She knew what she wanted, she just didn’t know how to get it. She knew what she needed, she just didn’t think she would ever be allowed.
Too much done. Too much damage. Deeds so extreme they could never be undone. She knew her dismissal undid nothing, but it didn’t stop her from trying. There was nothing else for her to do. What else could she do? Nothing. What was done could never be undone. Not so long as they both lived.
And neither could die without the other joining.
She did not ask for his respect. No more. Though once she had commanded it. But that blind regard for one’s master was not what she wished from him. It never truly had. What she wanted, what she needed had nothing to do with position. This she knew only after having known him. It was that same feeling she held for him. She for her servant… held such reverence and esteem as to teach her that what a servant gave their master in obligation was no esteem, it was not love or adoration. It was a worthless substitute, a fake bearing no resemblance to the true worship given from one’s heart.
Having felt it streaming from her own heart, she knew the difference. She knew it was not a thing ever to be claimed or forced, and that all attempts to do so would only shatter any chances of it’s existence. She knew, but had not known. Lessons don’t come easy and are hard learned.
She shook her head, denying his words, his question. It wasn’t what she had meant. “I didn’t want you to break. I wanted you to break… me.” To break the chains placed upon him. Yes, she’d asked too much, she knew. Always more and more demands on him, and nothing ever enough. Like an animal in a cage, she poked and prodded, hoping he eventually would snap and break free of that which bound him.
Tears choked her as he crouched beside her and wrapped wings around her for warmth. “I don’t know how.” She whispered solemnly. Life for too long had been about death. It was how she ruled, how she was served, and for too long there had been no laughter. But not… none, no that was untrue. There had been moments. Moments when they had found ease in one another’s company… though hadn’t those moments always been too few and far between?
“The life I see in your eyes is every day melting away, becoming as distant as my own.” She embraced him suddenly, wrapping her arms around his strong waist. “I’m sorry, Diarmad. “I’ve killed that which I loved the most. I’ve killed my only hope. You can’t love me because I stole it away from you.” Made him just like herself, and now they both were lost.