Reflective: For the life of me I cannot remember... Date: January 8, 2001 Characters: Jocelyn Location: Her place Public/Private: Private Summary: Jocelyn thinks too much. Status: Complete
Jocelyn moved around her flat. Part of her told her to move, while the other part said there was no reason to yet. It was frustrating - managing a fear and knowing the fear had no real basis anymore. No one bothered her. No one cared. She stopped changing into Shelby even though it took a lot sometimes. Shelby was half her life. Jocelyn... she couldn't ignore who she was completely. She tried to be safe about it, but was anything safe these days?
She saw him in her nightmares. Felt him touching her. Being-- No, she wouldn't think about him. He was a monster. He didn't deserve her thoughts, her attention, or her fear. And she didn't deserve this.
Going room to room, she cleaned it perfectly. But she was shaking. What would she do if someone showed up here? What would she do if someone saw her slip up on the street? What was she to do next? Everything was jumbled mess, a scattering of truths and lies that she'd weaved into a web. Grabbing the blanket off her bed, she reached down and wrapped it around her body. Then she crawled into her bed, laying down and closing her eyes. Sometimes she wished she worked seven days a week so she didn't have the weekend to simmer around things.
Closing her eyes, she tried to remember herself with her parents or Emily. When she was happy. When she wasn't risking her life. When she had family holidays. When she had family at all. And motly, when she still had a choice.