Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Winchester, jumbo-sized."

Username: 
Password:    
Remember Me
  • Create Account
  • IJ Login
  • OpenID Login
Search by : 
  • View
    • Create Account
    • IJ Login
    • OpenID Login
  • Journal
    • Post
    • Edit Entries
    • Customize Journal
    • Comment Settings
    • Recent Comments
    • Manage Tags
  • Account
    • Manage Account
    • Viewing Options
    • Manage Profile
    • Manage Notifications
    • Manage Pictures
    • Manage Schools
    • Account Status
  • Friends
    • Edit Friends
    • Edit Custom Groups
    • Friends Filter
    • Nudge Friends
    • Invite
    • Create RSS Feed
  • Asylums
    • Post
    • Asylum Invitations
    • Manage Asylums
    • Create Asylum
  • Site
    • Support
    • Upgrade Account
    • FAQs
    • Search By Location
    • Search By Interest
    • Search Randomly

Timothy Drake ([info]doyouevenlift) wrote in [info]gooseberry,
@ 2016-12-07 23:21:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:! log, avery davenport, christopher park

Who: Chris and Avery
When: After classes
Where: An empty classroom in the lodge
What: Avery wants a first kiss on her terms
Warnings: PG-13, it's literally just kissing practice without any of them feels or escalations. It's gonna be pure fluff. Also cussing, because it's Chris.



Chris had a weird view on sex. And kissing. And relationships. He wasn't quite sure where that weird view came from, it wasn't entirely inspired by Levi, but he had it now. He believed in an open, understanding mentality for this shit. Kissing was nothing to get awkward over, but a lot of people weren't experienced, and a lack of experience led to awkward feelings about this type of shit. Chris was experienced. He was very obviously experienced. He didn't hide it, and he didn't find shame in it. So if Avery - who claimed to trust him (he wasn't sure how he became that person, but she wasn't wrong, she could trust him with this) - wanted somebody to kiss on her own terms, somebody who wouldn't laugh at her, or shame her for her inexperience, he could be that guy.

A normal person might give pause, having just asked Rosy to go to literally the first formal he'd ever even considered going to, or having been still slightly - just a little bit - hung up on Levi. A normal person might consider that maybe kissing more people was probably not a wise idea at this point in their life. Chris was not of that mind, because he did not connect kissing to romantic feelings, or relationships. Or even sex, really. Kissing was kissing. It could be anything. It could be nothing.

So after classes, having just dealt with the lecture and the guilt trip and hearing over and over how not sorry students were about the whole sledding thing, and how this was really just the administration's fault for not giving into the peer pressure of students and just making sledding an official thing, Chris met Avery in an empty class room. It was literally the only place he could think of that was close, but still practically private. And he'd done a lot more naked things in these empty class rooms than kissing practice. He was trying to sponge those things from his brain and forget they ever happened, so this was probably a good start to that.


(Post a new comment)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-08 02:08 am UTC (link)
Everything had been wonky. There was a part of Avery that felt like her entire life had been turned upside down since the Amortentia incident. And in some ways, it had. She had been hiding who she was to everyone she knew except Ollie, she had shut herself off from liking anyone seriously or ever enjoying something as simple and mundane as a kiss. She had been so terrified of what people might say or do, what her classmates might say or do, if anyone knew that she had firmly and distinctly shut off all those sorts of feelings and desires. She had no idea what she had been missing out on, either. It had just been so easy to ignore and not want something you had never had.

Then, she had it. Sure it was fake, it was drugged and fueled by love potion but she had felt it. If that's what actual love had felt like (and some people had confirmed that for her) and that's what kissing was like? Well, she wanted it. She didn't want to - couldn't, really, deny herself that feeling anymore. Avery felt herself crushing on people she had never thought twice about before, maybe because she knew she would like them if she let herself feel that. It was all so new and different, and she was just as nervous for this whole new world of feelings as she had been about making sure she didn't feel those feelings.

And there were only a handful of people she went to when she felt like this. Ollie, Marily, Chris, and Lachlan. For this, though, for what she wanted? There was no other logical choice than Chris. She sort of knew his feelings on relationships, dating, physical stuff. And she had come out to him and he didn't care. He'd kiss her anyway. That wasn't fueled by potion or niceness, that was just Chris. So, she'd asked. She wanted a do-over on her first kiss. She wanted to kiss someone, to make sure she knew how to do it (she'd never done the practicing thing, ok) and Chris was... well, the best and most logical choice.

So to a previously decided upon empty classroom she went, feeling stupid and nervous and excited all at the same time and blushing to near looking-like-a-cherry-tomato levels. "Hey." She said, awkwardly stepping into the classroom and giving a really lame wave. "What's up?"

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-08 03:08 am UTC (link)
Chris didn't get awkward a lot, unless it was emotional shit he wasn't ready to acknowledge or deal with or be in the presence of. Which was probably a good thing - both of them being awkward would get this whole experiment nowhere fast. "Hey," he said, and he did not give her a lame wave, but he did give her a - what he hoped - was a small, reassuring smile. Maybe ignoring the very obvious blushing would help too. He could do that. He knew it had nothing to do with him, but to do with what they were going to do.

"I don't know how to start this, because I've actually never done like this before, so I don't know if people normally give speeches or get high first or what," he explained casually. He extended his hand to her. "But you need to relax, loosen your muscles, take a deep breath. Swallow that weird excitable dread that's usually associated with sky diving. Nothing has to be weird unless you make it weird - that's today's motto, okay?" That was his life motto, actually. That was what he invented after he hooked up with Diego. Doesn't gotta be weird. You can make it not weird. It was actually really working out for him, all things considered.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-08 03:16 am UTC (link)
She was trying so hard not to be weird. This was casual, this was nothing. It felt a little like propositioning someone which is maybe why it was so odd but what else was she supposed to do? Avery very rarely did anything by normal standards, and this is just... what she thought would be best. Now that she was here, though, she was starting to reconsider. Maybe this was a terrible idea and he would think she was weird forever and then hate her and maybe they wouldn't be friends anymore and oh my god Avery could feel herself starting to hyperventilate.

When Chris took her hand though and told her to relax, she did. It was comforting, that small gesture kind of broke all the thoughts in her head and she nodded. "Right, right. I know this is so fucking weird - " Wow, a rare curse word from Avery, which really showed the stress of the situation. "I want to do this, I swear, I'm just you know. This is so nerve wracking! I don't want to be terrible." Which is really what it came down to. She didn't want to embarrass herself, she had been so pent up and bent out of shape about dating and kissing for so long that she didn't want to ruin it more or freak out harder because she was also bad at it.

"So how does one start kissing. I mean this situation is different but you know, normally. How do you know?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-08 04:12 am UTC (link)
Chris gave her another smile, which was rare for him. He wasn't a big fan of smiling, but Avery was obviously uncomfortable, and he was trying to put her more at ease. Glaring at her probably wouldn't do that.

"How do we start kissing like in general? Or how do you know when to kiss someone for the first time?" He asked. Because it was an important distinction, the latter half of which didn't actually have a definitive answer, but if she had questions about actual relationships in addition to kissing practice, he could try answering them too.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-08 04:24 am UTC (link)
The smiles were nice, too. Familiar, he had a good smile. Avery gave him one back, though it was a little more tight lipped than her usual smile. She went ahead and sat down on one of the tables, letting out a sigh. She pulled her wand out of her back pocket (terrible habit, she knew) and idly zoomed a book around the room. Because what else was she supposed to do? What she came here for? No, no. Not yet.

"Both, honestly. I mean, I figure we'll just start here at some point because that's the point but how do you know in you know, normal circumstances? I kinda knew when - Asher - " Her face turned a slightly purple shade, "Wanted to, it was a kinda lean and a look? He told me, too, to be fair. But I don't know, that was all... potion fueled. Is it like that for real, too?" She was just as worried that her real life interactions wouldn't be at all like the love potion ones and she'd, once again, have no knowledge to work off of.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-08 04:45 am UTC (link)
Chris threw himself down into the chair at the table Avery sat on. He lounged casually, as if this was a normal thing he did often after class. He hooked his arm over the back of the chair, and stretched his legs out. "Kinda basically," he admitted.

"This isn't gonna be an awesome answer. But a lot of the time it works like that. There's a look and a lean, and sometimes they ask or say it. But it's gonna be different with different people. Like I'm gonna use my own experience because that's kinda all I got," he started. "But with Levi, it was blunt. He told me what he wanted, blunt as fuck, and I acted on it. It was all blunt as fuck. But some other people aren't as blunt, it takes longer, it builds up. Because people are different, what you do with them will be different, how you do it will be different. Sometimes you'll be different."

Chris was explaining this all very casually, and he was still lounging like this was all a normal conversation he had often, but it really wasn't. He didn't break things down like this with many people. It was a rare side of him.

"Like, we're gonna get to the kissing. And it's gonna be one facet of kissing," he said. "Even if you like it, even if you get good at it, it's not gonna be how you're gonna kiss forever. That changes with people. Everything changes with people. And that's okay. That's what makes it good. But you don't know how you are yet. And nobody else does. You don't know if you want to do it all blunt. To put out there, remove the coy shit, the doubt. You don't know if you feel more comfortable with it all building up first. And you're not gonna know until you start experiencing it."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-08 08:33 pm UTC (link)
It felt silly to get this kind of information from someone - let alone Chris, but Avery was eating it all up. She knew this wasn't a typical situation and that usually one would go to someone else - like Ollie, or Lachlan, people with... different sort of experiences than Chris. But when it came down to it, she just felt like Chris was who she trusted most not to be weird about it all, and though Ollie wouldn't be weird it would be different. And the intention was to kiss, not get deep and discuss relationships but here they were.

It helped that he was so casual about it. She watched as he just discussed things that had stressed her out for years with such nonchalance that he was actually lounging. That gesture alone helped ease some of the tension.

"Yeah, I get it. I mean it was really tender with Asher and he did ask straight out even though it was obvious before that, but... I guess I just, I don't know. Is it a lie, if I don't tell them first? Would it be wrong to not let this person know that I'm..." Still, it was hard to just say it out loud, "Trans?" It didn't get much easier to say, not yet. "Or is it not a lie because I am a girl?"

And that's what it really boiled down too. Sure, she wanted to be good at it too, but she wanted to know if her past, if everything before Gooseberry and really becoming Avery Davenport and not Nicholas, was something she should tell whoever she liked before anything got even remotely serious. Before every kiss.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-08 10:39 pm UTC (link)
Chris knew where this was going without Avery explicitly stating it, but he let her force herself to say what she meant before he answered her. In this he turned more serious, and less nonchalant. "It's not a lie," he said. "I know it's easy forget with everybody here acting like they need to say everything they're feeling all the goddamn time, but kissing isn't a marriage proposal, it isn't love. It's not a commitment. It's just kissing. If you're comfortable with someone, tell them. But coming out to someone should be like revealing any other kind of secret - it shouldn't be attached to kissing, or sex. It should be attached to who makes you feel safe enough to tell them. Sex and kissing isn't safety - it can be - but it doesn't have to be this massive meaning of love. We all have secrets, Avery. I wouldn't prelude kissing with any secret I've got - you shouldn't feel like you have to either, and you shouldn't have to feel like it's lying if you don't."

He didn't know how to explain it - the separation of love and sex in his mind. He didn't know how to explain that love existed on a more personal level that getting naked with someone did. Love was a vulnerability, sex didn't have to be.

"Like, I was closer to Levi than I've been to anybody else at this school." He didn't like having to keep going back to Levi - Levi was in love with someone else, and Chris was over it, but for the basis of this conversation, Levi was the only one Chris could think of. "But I didn't tell him my secrets. Because there's a vulnerability to telling people, and a kind of shame, I guess. And him meeting my mom feels more serious than anything we've ever done and it's got nothing to do with kissing, because it's personal. It's an important part of who I am, just like being Trans is an important part of who you are, or like our sexualities are important. These are things that impact who we are."

Chris wasn't fidgeting, but he was scratching at a dark spot on the desk with his thumb nail. "I'm not an expert," he sighed. "But it's not a lie. You are a girl. And your secrets aren't dependent on kissing. Or sex, or anything physical. There shouldn't be an ultimatum attached to what you're willing to tell. It should be personal, and emotional, and like fucking spiritual. It should be love, and kissing isn't love. It's a prelude to love, but that's not love. Love doesn't have ultimatums." He didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Who was Chris to explain love to anyone?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-09 03:34 am UTC (link)
She understood where he was coming from. And for any other person, he was right. You didn't have to share all your deepest, darkest secrets with a person you were just going to kiss. You didn't share that with someone you may kiss again or casually date. That was for later, deep talks and shit when you got into a relationship or had been in one for a while. That's when you share your secrets, deal with that kind of thing. Build that trust and love before you share it. But her secret just felt so different.

"I know, and I get that. But it's not the same, don't you see? What if I get into a relationship with someone, and we kiss and we hold hands and we talk and we have a fun time and then they want more, and it gets to that awkward stage where I can't do more, and then I tell them, or it gets to that point where I feel safe telling them and then they hate me for it. And the entire relationship is over because they can't get over that fact. Because maybe to them, the surgeries and hormones aren't enough and..." She sighed, shrugging and turning away from Chris.

"It's not the same kind of secret. I don't want to go through falling in love and getting close to someone just to have them turn around and hate me later when they find out." She pushed her hair back, frowning at the ground. She felt like a female, she always had, but she wasn't fully transitioned. There were still parts of herself she hated, still feelings she had and so many things that made her uncomfortable within her own skin. But mostly, she felt female and that was it. She was Avery, that's all she had ever been at Gooseberry and it was easy to forget, sometimes, the shit she had gone through to get to this point.

"I know it's not really a lie, I know that part but... I just don't want to lose someone I fell in love with and who loved me because of something I have no control of, because it's something people still don't understand."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-09 04:29 am UTC (link)
Chris was out of his depth here. He wasn't society's normal, but a lot of people here weren't. He'd never had to hide parts of himself, not really. He was blatant about who he was and he'd never been ostracized for it. His own secrets were mostly shameful. And also mostly pathetic and cliche too. He kept them to himself because he didn't want to be pitied, or to be weak. Avery kept hers out of fear.

Chris reached for Avery's hand, mostly because she was turning away from him. "You know," he said slowly. "I might have recently learned that ... when you keep quiet, you let people speak for you. And sometimes they read into it wrong, and miss things. And move on because they don't think you want what they want. So they find somebody else who does. There's no right answer here. You could fall in love with the wrong person who's a complete dick about it, or you can let the right person go because you were so scared of telling them, and them hating you for it that you just never spoke up. Which sounds stupid, because we're in fucking high school, none of these people should be the right person. They're fucking children. But love doesn't have ultimatums. If they fell in love with you, they shouldn't care, and I don't know how to promise you that they won't, because people are assholes. But they shouldn't. And if they do, then that's not love. We are horrible people. We have bad parts. We all want somebody who sees us, and accepts those parts of us. And we're all struggling to figure out how to reveal those parts without having to actually trust anybody with them. I don't have a solution to that. I can't promise you that whoever you fall in love with will accept that your trans. But you told your friends, and you risked losing them to be honest with them. I think you should give whoever you love the same chance. And if they leave then..."

Chris paused because he didn't have a solution. Being left terrified him and it hurt, and he knew that. He was dependent on a fucking rock because of that very fact. It was a crushing experience, and he didn't want Avery to have to experience that. "Then I will break their legs," he finished weakly.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-09 01:41 pm UTC (link)
"I think I'd just rather not take that chance." She replied, frowning. Maybe she wasn't ready for dating or anything like that. To her, it did mean spilling that secret. She didn't want to fall for someone who turned out wrong just because she was afraid to tell them about her past. She knew that was a big thing for everyone, she wasn't the only one with a potentially damaging secret. Still, it bothered her. She felt it would be far worse to do something with someone and then tell them as opposed to the other way around. Maybe even more dangerous, for her. The bad reaction could be so much worse.

When he took her hand, she let him and squeezed back softly. Avery shifted back to look at him. His threat was silly but at the same time, she actually knew he would and while part of that was terrifying, it was also really comforting. Not that she wished violence on other people, but still. "Thanks, Chris. I know you would." She smiled at him again and placed her forehead on his for a second, taking in everything he said and mulling over it.

"I think I would tell them, if I wanted something more. I don't want to keep living out my life in fear all the time. You were right about me testing the waters on the anonymous journal thing, and you were right about my friends. They were all accepting. I know I came at you with a more simple request and then it turned into some deep conversation so I'm sorry for that. Sorta."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-10 03:58 am UTC (link)
Chris squeezed Avery's hand back. It felt like some silent message, a universal sign that it would be okay. He knew that Avery wasn't violent and that violence wouldn't really help the kind of pain that would happen if she did tell somebody who rejected her, but violence was kind of all he had.

He nodded slightly. He figured Avery would want to be more honest than he had ever been. She was that kind of person. Maybe that was all of ribbonfin. He didn't know. "Don't worry about it," he said. "I drag Quinn into these kinds of conversations for myself, so it's probably only fair I do this for someone else." He'd never had to, really. Sometimes he was the soundboard for Quinn, but she was the one who kept worrying about him. "But kissing doesn't lead to sex, or to something more, sometimes it's just kissing. I know it's shit for me to tell you to relax, and not to... I guess, always think about having to tell whoever you do anything with but... maybe you should. Like, not rush it. Not overthink it. Not make it something it's not. Make it something this guy has to earn. Base it on trust, not what you want to do with somebody. I'm not saying live your life in fear all the time, but don't force yourself to do something you're not comfortable with either."

Chris shrugged. The longer they spoke, the more obvious it was that he was not super eloquent about literally anything. "Do what feels right to you - that's rule one. That's rule one to kissing too."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-10 04:07 am UTC (link)
A hand squeeze really didn't mean anything, but in the context of what they were talking about, it really did make all the difference. She felt comfortable, safe, and reassured. She nodded her head.

Maybe he wasn't eloquent about it, but he had good points. Chris spoke from what he knew, that much was obvious, and maybe his advice wasn't exactly what would work for her, but that didn't make it bad advice. He was right - kissing should never be something that meant anything other than what it was - a kiss. It wasn't a commitment or a marriage proposal, not unless it had been established to be. But Avery just felt like there was so much more to her situation, it was overwhelming. What happened if she kissed someone, and then later they found out she was Trans, realized they had kissed a Trans person, and got mad? Got violent? Came after her? There were so many worries she had about becoming intimate with anyone in any sort of way that it kept her paralyzed.

She didn't want to be paralyzed, though. Not anymore. She was still young, sure, but she was almost eighteen with absolutely zero experience in the like, love, kiss, whatever department. She had done nothing. Maybe now wasn't the time to change that, but she wanted it to be. There was nothing more Avery wanted to avoid than losing her right to take it at her own pace, again. "Do what feels right. Alright. I can go with that." She agreed, nodding her head with a small smile.

So instead of asking him how they should start, or whatever, she just... did it. It felt right, like what she was supposed to do. She leaned over and kissed him, very briefly, on his lips. "Like that?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-10 04:21 am UTC (link)
If Chris were being honest, it was probably bad advice. His life was a mess. His relationships were a mess. His friends were worried about him. He had a magical rocket in his pocket right now. But something he said must've been right (or so wrong Avery just wanted to get it over with), because she initiated the kiss.

Chris grinned when she pulled back to ask. "Like that," he agreed. "Easy, right?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-10 04:31 am UTC (link)
"Yeah, easy when it's you." She said, laughing a little. It was funny because she wasn't really embarrassed anymore, but she still felt a little silly. "That wasn't bad? Like. I mean those are the easiest kisses on the planet but it still could be bad."

Not that she'd had a bad kiss, because she'd hardly had any kisses at all. This was just the second, and it had been really similar to the first. Though less sweet, even if it had been Amortentia driven.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]doyouevenlift
2016-12-10 04:42 am UTC (link)
Anybody who spent any amount of time kissing had probably had bad kisses. It was difficult to have a bad kiss when the kiss was chaste. "It was normal," he assured her. "You didn't miss, you didn't accidentally break my nose," he teased. Chris rose to his feet, put his hand on the desk, and leaned forward.

Chris was probably just used to kissing for no real reason, but this didn't feel silly to him. He'd kissed out of boredom before, or as a distraction, to pass the time. So why not add as practice to that list. He touched the fingertips of his right hand to Avery's chin, and leaned in close, brushing his lips against hers. It was technically a chaste kiss, but it was slow, and unconcentrated, languid in a way, as if they had all the time in the world. Because to him - that was what most kisses should be like. They should be unrushed by nothing but arousal. And there was no arousal here, it was just practice.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]extra_sweet
2016-12-10 09:29 pm UTC (link)
"Dang, I was trying to accidentally break your nose. Guess I did it wrong." She teased, laughing a little. Ok. So she could lean in and kiss someone and not fuck it up, that was good. She didn't ram her face into his on accident or anything. Good start.

Avery did find it difficult to get into the whole kiss thing, because she had no feelings for Chris. Well she had a lot of feelings but not of a romantic nature, and so it was difficult not to laugh when he took her chin and kissed her again, much like the way Asher had done. It was a nice kiss, but weird coming from Chris. She didn't pull away, though, because she had no idea when to do that. Pecks were easy, she needed practice with something less... middle school.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

Home | Site Map | Manage Account | TOS | Privacy | Support | FAQs