log: Phil and May Who: May and Phil (with special guests Jack & Normie) What: Phil is taking a look at May's wounds. They start talking. May straight up tells Phil that she doesn't like him, but she's obligated to at least tolerate him. Jack comes in while Phil is standing close to May and FLIPS OUT. OMG ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER? No, they are not. They team up to screw with Jack's fragile little mind. When/Where: Wednesday afternoon, in the medlabs.
So. Everything is going to be okay.
It was like taking the lid off of a pressure cooker, popping a balloon, taking the stopper off of a beaker. May felt a hell of a lot better now, even if Jack was avoiding her. Like she'd just needed to get it all out.
A nice long talk with her father had helped. Peter always knows what to say to get his kids to shut the hell up and think about other people. Actually, he'd been the one to convince her to give Phil a fair shot. Phil's a Nice Boy, he'd said. Maybe if you get to like him, it'll be easier to get over Jack.
Not that May will EVER admit that Peter's right about that. She'll pretend she's making friends with Phil just because it happened. Besides, Jack is in love with him. That makes Phil May's responsibility; she protects Jack, which means protecting Phil. By proxy, she and Phil were tied. May as well get used to it.
That's all in the back of her head now, because Phil's examining her shoulder and the bitemark and May's trying not to make uncomfortable noises and sound like a pussy. The swelling had gone down on her side, but the infection wasn't gone. It was still ... oozing and pussing and being generally gross.
"Will I live, doctor?" Dramatic, like ER or Grey's Anatomy.
Phil isn't a doctor, but he gets the joke. At least she didn't call him Nurse McCoy. He's poking and prodding the wound. Just trying to see what's infected and how badly. There's a an itch on his nose, but he can't scratch it. He's got on examination gloves that are currently a little messy with May's ooze. Uh, gross. He turns his head to scratch his nose on his shirt, "Wha? Oh. No. Pop and I have a bet on when you're going to kick it. And then another bet on when you're going to turn into were-rex."
"Aha. Cute. I'm more likely to go feral and start eating people like a tarantula." You think she's kidding? She's not kidding. Peter did that once. Scary stuff. And then she hisses, trying not to flinch away. "God damn it."
"Sorry." He says it like he doesn't really care. Whatever, you'll get over it. "You're going to be fine. Just ... be careful. --For example? No baseball."
"What? What do you mean, no baseball? I've got my legs and one good arm. ...Besides, I can't let my one-legged father play and not me." May sounds devastated, to say the least.
"What if you..." He really doesn't want to tell May no. She's scary! "... you could reopen your wound, May." What if it heals up funny? Phil can't allow that to happen! "Couldn't you just sit on the bench until the time when we might need help?" They won't need help. They're all young and spry and he's playing!
Of course they won't need help! They're superhuman! May frowns, pouts a bit. He's right. "...Ngh. That is so not fair. Dad will never let me live it down, but ... he'd probably be just as likely to crack me one with his cane if he finds out I didn't listen to the person poking around in my gaping wound."
Phil shrugs, hands still on her shoulder. "Well. I'll make sure I get him out at some point, that'll be for you." Phil thinks he's a bad ass out in the field. "I owe you, after all." Oh, are they going to stop joking around now? No, probably not.
May pauses, looking over at him before shaking her head. "No, you don't. I mean, go ahead, please get the old man out, but you don't owe me one."
"You defended me." He's not looking at her, he's looking at that awful thing on her shoulder. Which he's done with, honestly. He pulls his gloves off, throws them in the trash and switches to some clean ones. They snap when he puts them on.
"You're part of us. Of course I did." And by 'us', May might mean her and Jack. Or her and Jack and the rest of the Parkers. Something like that. "Jack loves you, which means, by proxy, I have to give a damn. I protect Jack, so ... I protect you."
Phil raises an eyebrow, thinking ONE OF US, ONE OF US. "I don't really need-- I mean. Thank you. Heath's..." He can't really say what Heath is. He doesn't understand what happened back there.
"Heath's an overly sensitive jackass who takes everything too seriously, acts like a dick, and then is shocked when people throw his mud back at him. He's a jerk who obviously wasn't hugged enough as a kid." May shrugs with her good shoulder. "You're family, whether I want you to be or not. So. You have me if you need me for anything. ---It doesn't mean we're going to hang out and have slumber parties and watch chick flicks or anything, okay? I'm just ... you know, I'm here. As long as you're with Jack, I'm on your side, unless I'm the one picking on you. Then you're out of luck."
"I don't like chick flicks, I do like kung fu movies, though. Would you watch kung fu movies with me?" It's worth a shot. He's giving May the most innocent of smiles, dabbing some anti-biotic cream to her wound. "--and I'll give you a bandage with Batman on it." If she still doesn't love him, he can deal with her being his junkyard dog.
May hissed, gritting her teeth before giving him a tight, pain-induced smile. "I like kung fu movies. But only if you promise not to play tonsil hockey with Jack the whole time. It'll mess up my running commentary."
"If you hung out with us--" He carefully puts a bandage on her wound. No Batman. Maybe he'll put a Hello Kitty sticker on it. They have some over in the drawer. Shh. "--you would know we're not always all over each other." They save that for when no one is looking, or when they're on the subway.
"I was kidding. I know Jack; he doesn't share his personal life like that. He's private." Except for the fact that he's walking around with all those hickeys, BUT, May can forgive him for it. Since ... well, since Normie bit pretty hard, he just hasn't made a mark where it's so visible just yet. "I didn't think you two would want me around, anyway."
"If it makes you feel any better, I would probably forget you were there anyway." He gives her a little grin and turns to find some more medical tape. Ooh, a brand new roll is in the desk drawer-- next to the Hello Kitty stickers! He tapes the bandage to her shoulder pretty securely, then holds up the sheet of stickers. "Want one?" May might hit him, but it'd be worth it.
May rolls her eyes. "Thanks. I'll take a pass, I need all the little boys in gym to respect me, after all." Reaching over, she actually ruffles his hair. "You've done enough damage."
Phil's hair gets easily out of control. It sticks up off his head, defying gravity. He quickly pulls a sticker off the sheet and goes to stick it on her bandage anyway. Ho ho. "--Damage?"
Oh, he did not! But thank goodness for spider senses; she catches his wrist just before he can stick it. "Damage. Word gets out I was all cozy with you, puttin' stickers on my bandages of small creepy cats, and people might start to talk."
He thought maybe he could get away with it. Oh gee. He turns his hand and sticks the bandage onto his shirt-- a scrubs shirt over his normal shirt. Had to be clean for May and her gaping shoulder wound! "I don't think people realize how badly the fire of your hate for me burns, May."
"Maybe one of these days I'll beat the daylights out of you. Don't get me wrong, I still think you're a snippy passive aggressive bitch." But it sounds almost forced, until it's punctuated by her patting his cheek a little hard. "But you're a snippy, passive aggressive bitch who's sleeping with my best friend, so I make due."
He blinks several times, "The daylights, Miss Parker?" He's also a little offended that she called him passive aggressive. The bitch part he can deal with. "I do more than just sleep with him. Sometimes, we hold conversations."
"Oh, I know. If you didn't love him back, I'd have to kill you for leading him on." And she looks like she's done something similar to that before. "But you're not. So you should be okay."
"I'm pretty sure you could kill me whether I let you or not." Implying that he might let her if he hurt Jack. Because he'd deserve it for being such an awful person. Not in a creepy Normie way.
"Absolutely. But I'd rather not have to, Jack really likes you." And ... okay, she was starting to like him a little. Just a TEENY bit.
"Good! Don't do something so messy that you really don't have to do. Like cleaning under that..." Phil motions to a very large cabinet. "Maybe one day Pop and Pete will move it, and I'll go at it with a whip and a chair- er, broom and mop. I can't tell you the things that are probably under there."
"McCoy, I do no want to know. I avoid cleaning as it is; please don't feed me sentient fungus ghost stories." May makes a face; she was never a fan of those weird monster movies.
"I just said I can't tell you, Parker!" He shakes his head, eyes wild. "Come on, if I told you, I'd have to kill you. And we just discussed how hard that would be."
"I don't want to hear your theories, either!" May looks horrified, overdoing it for effect.
"What about my bad jokes? Childhood stories about my lisp? Anything, May, that you would like to hear from me?" He holds both hands up, praying and pleading.
"You trying to get me to like you, McCoy?"
"Yes, yes I am."
...Oh, all right. Fine. He was kind of cute. Kind of. So she reached up with her good arm, almost affectionate when she tapped the underside of his chin. "One step at a time. But, um ... could you help me? I moved the shoulder strap on my cast so you could play around with the t-rex bite and it hurts to move it back."
He sighs, exaggeratedly. "I suppose." He sheds his gloves and reaches around her to fetch the strap. "So, at times, you do ask for help?"
"Only after being mauled by Godzilla."
"I'll keep that in mind. I know how to summon Godzilla, you know." He doesn't. He lies! Obviously.
Jack Murdock isn't expecting to find anyone in the medlabs other than Dr. McCoy, and that's all he needs. His hangover is mostly gone but he's got a massive headache and he just wants something strong for it. So he's down there, and bothering him is going to earn him some teasing----wait.
He stops halfway to the medlab, hearing voices. He always hears voices, hearing most of the conversations in the school, but... this is May. May and Phil. A cold panic sets in before he stops to think about what they're talking about, and he's thinking that someone is going to get mauled to death.
He rushes, skidding to a stop in the doorway. Don't panic! Don't kill one another! Jackie's here!
"Don't anyone do anything drastic, let's just talk this out. Rationally. Like rational people."
May's spider senses actually tingle a little bit at Jack's panic. The sight he's met with ... isn't exactly a dangerous one. Weird, maybe, but not dangerous. Just Phil getting close enough to help adjust the strap on her sling, just like she'd asked him to.
"...Hi, honey." May's ... trying not to laugh. She's doing a pretty good job. Really! "You okay?"
Phil glances up and then back down to May's sling. He readjusts it, "That good? Hi Jack."
"Um." They're not killing each other. Why aren't they killing each other..? Jack stares, rubbing at his temples. "Hi, Phil. Hi, May. I... was just... looking for something for my headache, there's..." He's staring, really, like he's waiting for one of them to explode.
Rather than exploding, May smiles up at Phil gratefully. "Thanks." Jack is too funny -- not that she blames him for being a little paranoid. "I've told you that drinking the way I do hurts, Jack. Good luck with the headache."
Phil nods, "Anytime, miss." He tips an imaginary hat. Looking at Jack, "Oh, I've got something for you." Haha! That sounds dirty! Phil is aware of that, but his face doesn't let you believe that.
Jack looks at Phil sideways, briefly looks to May. So suspicious! "Whaaaaat."
"I'm pregnant," May says without missing a beat, reaching down for Phil's hand. "And it's Phil's."
"I got something for your headach-" He begins at the same time, then switches gears. "It's ...all true." And I'd like to thank the Academy for this award...
Jack makes a disgusted face. Disgusted and confused, his arms folded across his chest. What the fuck, guys! This is like... like... creepy bonding. This is wrong! This is sick and wrong! "Shut up." Because that's just gross. And because Jack would know if that were really the case. He smells things. And can hear a lie or three. No, what he's more creeped out by is their little Laurel-and-Hardy comedy routine they've got going on here.
"We just didn't know how to tell you, sweetie." May actually looks a little choked up, leaning against his arm and wiping at imaginary tears with her good hand. Sure, they're fucking with Jack, but his face is so worth it. "You were off in the city visiting your mother, and things just happened. We're so sorry."
Phil grabs a box of tissues and hands them off to May, "Don't cry, you'll upset the baby." Looking straight into Jack's eyes, "I have to take responsibility." He's going to raise this sham baby!
Jack's standing there with his mouth agape, and he slowly turns to look over his shoulder. Hidden cameras? What's the catch? Has the world gone completely insane? He wants May and Phil to like each other. Desperately. He just ... didn't think it was a viable option.
"Did I----did I miss something?"
May takes the tissues, gently dabbing at her nose. "You're right. Of course. Jack, we didn't want to tell you so soon, but ... you know, you wanted us to get along, and we tried, and ... this happened. If it makes you feel any better, we'll name it after you if it's a boy."
"I guess we tried too hard, didn't we, May?" He gives her a fond Husband From a 50's Sitcom look. "Oh yes. Jack McCoy. Like from Law and Order!" Oh, that's good, Phil grins wide, biting his lip to try and stop it from taking over his face.
"If it's a girl I hope you name it after me, too," says Jack, dripping with sugary sarcasm as he slowly starts to realize that this isn't a trick. May and Phil are getting along. A little too well, actually. In a scary way. "If I'd known I was interrupting your little party I would've nipped around to the drug store." A part of him feels like there's an inside joke that he's not in on. He'll get over that but right now? Yeah, it's kind of jarring. It's like the world turned upside down and he didn't get the memo.
"Well, you know, in a roundabout way---" May leans against Phil, fondly patting his chest. "---it is all your fault we had hot, sweaty ... passionate sex in a ... broom closet..." She's barely holding it in, biting the inside of her cheek until it hurt.
Phil pats May on her back, awkwardly like he's afraid she might bite him. "--Whoa wait, broom closet? I'm not a hussy!" And ew, passionate sex with May? That's it! Crack like an egg! "Jackie, please tell me you didn't think we were serious!" BABY, PLEASE!
Oh, gross! Jack rushes to Phil and slides his arms around him, gently (very gently) putting May at arm's length. "He's not a hussy!" he repeats, and kisses Phil's ear. "I can hear lies and I can smell sex for days; believe me, I see through your little ruse like a fresh-washed windowpane."
"It was the first thing I thought of!" May's grinning, not bothering to hide her laughter now. Not ... liking being pushed away like that, but, well. She'd just been telling him his boyfriend had sex with her. As ... gross and disgusting as that would be. She'll take Normie, please, Jack can keep Phil. "Anyway. You're a good sport, McCoy. I might have to rethink killing you."
Phil attempts to reach around Jack and hold his hand out to offer to shake May's, "Good show, Miss Parker." Leaning back to Jack, nearly nose to nose, "You saw through it?" For someone who can sense lies, Jack seems to be fooled a little too often.
"Completely." Jack's had a rough couple of months, but ... he swears he can sense lies. Really. He just has to be focusing. It seems like torture to pull away from Phil, but he forces himself to do it for May's sake. "So you're good. You two aren't going to murder one another when I'm not looking."
May's not blind; she knows it's hard for Jack, even as she takes Phil's hand for a firm handshake. "Probably not, but I'm not making any promises. I'll leave you two alone; I have to go tell Normie that I wasn't stuck in a torture chamber or something." Pulling away from Phil, she briefly laid a hand on Jack's arm. "I'll see you two around."
"Byee Maaay." Dragged out, not looking at her leave. Not breaking away from Jack's eyes, "Headache?"
Jack knows how important this has been. Phil doesn't know. He bites his lip, looks like he wants to run and thank her. But instead... well. Phil's keeping that completely all-enveloping eye contact. "Yeah, headache."
May looks back at the doorway. Okay. Okay, fine. It's cute. It's cute. She'll admit it. Hurts a little bit, but ... come on. They're adorable. Shaking her head, she turns to leave, keeping her good hand over her cast to keep from bumping it into the door frame.
Normie Osborn is able to sneak up on May. It's the only advantage he's got around the Parkers. So he doesn't realize that by jumping out from the other side of that doorway, he might scare her. "May! Are you all right?" He sounds urgent without raising his voice.
May jumps, then laughs. "I'm fine. It's just a scratch." Except that Jack and Normie can't stand each other, so rather than give Normie the chance to look over and freak out, May touches his face, kisses him gently on the mouth. "I'm all right. Come on; I need a shower and it's a bitch to do alone with this stupid thing on." ...That she could have handled herself, but ... please, it's not like Normie's never seen her naked.
Normie looks pretty pleased with himself. "Yeah, I can help with that."
"Thanks." Tucking herself under his arm, May easily hooks her fingers in the waistband of his jeans. Jack's right in the next room, but hell, he's so wrapped up in Phil he probably doesn't care. And Normie's kind of comfy to lean against, if she has to trek all over the school to get a damn shower at all.