log! Rosie and Phil. Who: Phil and Rosie. What: Phil told Rosie he'd go shopping with her. Apparently after you come back from the Savage Lands, that's what you do? Whatever! He's not really interested in that and wants to go to the park. Central Park! Where ... for some reason, there's free wedding cake and punch. Weird! By the end of this, Rosie decides to call herself Rosie May Kincaid-McCoy and Phil is confused. When: SUNDAY. (We did this log earlier in the week... but it all fits together. Phil is obviously too preoccupied with Pete's wellbeing and cake to realize what Rosie is up to).
Sunday morning, Phil doesn't usually get up early. Ten in the morning is early for him and it's when he rolls out of bed today. He's going shopping with Rosie, so he decides to dress nice. White shirt, black tie. Simple! And nice, for Rosie.
By the time they reach Abercrombie & Fitch, Phil is sick of this crap. The perfume is killing him, all these clothes are stupid, and his feet are starting to hurt. Far too many people around. He nearly whines, "Rosie, can we go?"
Appreciating how lovely it is, Rosie too decided to dress nice for Phil. A white dress, and it's actually slightly conservative! You know, as in covering her chest up. But that's it. Because her ankles are showing and you know that's a no-no in some places.
"No," Rosie is not done shopping. She likes the store, probably because in the how many ever years it's been open, they've always played gay disco music and had half-naked men strung on the walls. It's sexy. "Hey, you'd look good in purple. Can you try on a purple polo? Maybe some jeans... do you think Jack would like if your 'junk' is highlighted? Oh, wai-" Rosie sneezes, barely covering her nose with her hand in time. Whatever is on it gets wiped off onto a shirt over on a rack. "Let's... vamoose."
"Oh, Rosie." Girl, that is nasty. "I don't do purple." He grabs her by the wrist (because dear sweet sassy molassy what just came out of her nose) and pulls her through the groups of people. "Let's go somewhere I want to go."
What? She has no hand sanitizer and her other option was Phil! So just be glad! Rosie follows because she kind of has to, and luckily for Phil she doesn't have time to stuff a purple polo for later into her purse. Uh huh. "Fine, fine, but can you spit on my hand? It's dirty." Watch it! Baby carriage at nine o'clock.
He gives her a 'wtf' look. Eyebrow raised and eyes wide. "What? No!" He continues to yank her outside until the get to the street. He hails a cab. That's right, they're going in style. "Spit on your own hand."
"OK," Rosie shakes her wrist loose and spits on it. Then she needs somewhere to wipe it. Phil's shirt is an option, but on second thought... she ruffles in her purse and produces a wet-wipe! "Hey!" Also look, a cab! "Hey! You got me a cab." She's trying to figure out how to open to little packet and waits for Phil to get in.
Phil is waiting for her to get in. "Rosie, in the cab. C'mon girl!"
"Oh!" Fine! She gets in and still tries to figure this out. "This isn't rocket science!" she whines, holding it out to Phil with the clean hand. Help.
Phil opens the packet, "It's Rocket Surgery, Rosie." He hands it back to her. He leans forward and tells the driver, "Central Park!" Yay! The park!
"Well, fine. Surgery." But now she can wipe her hands down and does, then politely folds it back up as Phil barks directions and stuffs it in the wrapper. Which goes on the floor. Rosie pretends it never happened... "We're going to the park? I'm in white!"
"I'm not going to make you toss a football around with me, Rose." He rolls his eyes. Just wants some fresh air. The ride goes by kind of quickly, because Phil starts to name the presidents.
They walk around the park. Phil slows his normal long-legged walk down so that Rosie doesn't have to run to keep up with him. There's a very large crowd near the middle of the park. "What's going on over there?"
It's so green! Rosie didn't mind the running, the strolling is much nicer and better. Why oh why did she wear heels? ... Oh right, to be equal to Phil's height. Or in that general range. "Don't know. Let's check it out before they see your face and run away." This time, she grabs his wrist and pulls.
Phil noticed and tried to tell her to take her shoes off... then again, who knows what she might step on. "That's just mean, Ro-- ow careful!" She's a hellcat, she is.
Glass, broken bottle necks, sharp rocks, tooth picks, uncapped and used needles, dog poop, mud. The things she could step in in a park are endless! Yes, they are staying on. "What!" Careful is like asking a hippo to get out of a china shop. Rosie lets go a bit and doesn't tug so hard though, she's electing to be nice now. They get closer, and now they can see everyone is in formal wear. Also, there's a table with punch on it. "Free punch!"
Girls have sharp little claws. It's scary. "Ooh, and cake!" This is AWESOME. Phil manages to wriggle his hand down so that Rosie isn't gripping his wrist-- yes, he's holding her hand now. But only so he doesn't lose her in the crowd. Some people might get angry if he left Rosie at the park. What if she got raped? Phil would never forgive himself!
It isn't Rosie being raped the world needs to worry about? But. Cake! Rosie squeezes Phil's hand as they wrangle their way through the crowd and to the cake, but get stopped two thirds of the way there by a perky blonde in a crisp white suit. She's holding a clip board and Rosie looks confused. "We're just going for the cake..."
"Did you fill out the forms? You can't be here if you don't fill out the forms." Rosie wants to ask what forms and looks to Phil for guidance.
Phil shrugs, is it a waiver? For the cake? "Uh... all right." He holds his free hand out.
And then they are given a clip board, pen and forms! Rosie peeks at them. They look suspicious. "Hey... I'll fill these out if you get cake..." There's a title on those forms that Phil shouldn't see.
"I will get the two biggest pieces of cake possible." Maybe Phil has been cranky this whole time because he was hungry! If his blood sugar drops he could kill a man! Phil looks at his watch, "Give me like... five minutes. Do not move from this spot!"
Rosie shoo's him off and uncaps the pen once he's gone. Oh god, Certificate of Marriage for the State of New York City. First question, name? Why, yes, they have names... later on, it asks if they're related. Rosie puts down NO. Transmittable disease? NO. Well, there was that one case of crabs in London, but those are gone now. Mothers name... She waits until he comes back and tucks the form under his arm. "Hey, Phil? What was your mom's maiden name?"
Phil is gone for six minutes, actually. He comes back, looking like a seasoned waiter. Two plates of cake resting on his left arm, his right arm curled around two red plastic cups of punch. "Here here, grab this before I drop it. Did you finish those forms? What were they, surveys? It was Brand, her maiden name was Brand." What the heck.
"Oh!" Rosie turns and fills that last bit in. Wait, she forgot a part. "What's your social security?" She takes her slice of cake and punch and balance it on the clipboard on top of the form. This way he can't see anything. "In case you die, I need to know."
Phil is hearing Danger, Will Robinson! in the back of his head. "... Is this for free stuff or what?" He hands her the cake-- he's so hungry he plops down on the ground, digging into his own. He recites his social security number, one of the stupidest things he's ever done.
That's what David heard, too, but he still Hulked out. It just goes to prove that no one can tell Rosie no. "Yeah, so we can win a free car. They gotta make sure you're a real person." Right, number... she jots that down and grins. "I'll go turn our entry forms in, honey!" and off she dances, returning one minute later with the cake and cup, no forms, and her purse is over her arm and there's a small receipt sticking out of it. Apparently getting married costs $20!
What is Phil going to do with a free car? Give it to Pete? Huh, maybe. He makes grabby hands for her cake since he finished his. Standing up to tower above her and maybe intimidate that cake from her. "See, the park was a good idea--"
And I now pronounce you men and wives!
"Rosie, what the fuck?!" Phil never cusses, but he's sure those will be the words Jack will use.
"Totally!" Rosie pops up quickly and gives Phil a kiss on the lips before touching ground. Hopefully no one saw. She's laughing and is trying to not hiccup juice on her dress when she takes a drink. They're married! And she has no way to explain it but with hysterical laughter. When people start giving her funny looks she calms down, and turns to Phil, "Yeah... that cake was so worth the marriage license fee." There are tears going down her cheek. Where's a camera when you need one?
He wipes his lips with the back of his hand. Phil looks like he's going to strangle her. "What part of I'm Gay didn't you get?" He's not really said that out loud yet. Maybe once. He's so angry right now --However. This is kind of funny. His mouth twitches.
Rosie frowns but she's still smiling so it really just looks like she ate a bug. "Phil. You told Jack you'd marry me." No you really did. Don't make her find a computer and show you!
And at that? Phil cracks up. He holds his stomach. "Oh wow. Oh wow I can tell future."
Finally! Rosie laughs right along with him, people must think they're nuts. "You can! And you know what's worse? This is kind of really real! I'm Mrs. McCoy!" She's laughing between every other word. Haw haw.
His laugh slowly dwindles, looking like he might throw up. Seriously. That cake might come right back up. He holds his stomach. "Rosie." Mrs. McCoy is his mother, you horrible scorpion woman! "Rosie. Ho, wow, we .. we need to undo this."
Here is where she pulls the copy of the form out and the receipt and holds it out for him to read. "Yeah, too late. I paid for it." And actually, she's Rosie May Kincaid-McCoy. No way is she taking his last name and dropping hers.
Phil snatches it from her hands and crumples them up. He hands the wadded up ball of paper back to her. "I don't know if I should be mad at you, laugh, or throw up." He's really conflicted. "Jack.. Jack is going to be so mad! He already thinks that I'm cheating on him!"
"Honey, it's too early for you to have morning sickness." Rosie snerks and tucks it away. Safe keeping and all that. She adjusts her dress and loops her arm around his. "Well, dear... we can just adopt him. We're now legal to in 51 states." Yes, Puerto Rico is a state. It counts.
Dammit! He's not the girl! Not in his relationship with Jack NOR his ... very strange relationship with Rosie! "There's gotta be a way to undo this. Rosie, you're so mean. You're the meanest girl in the world." Since she has her arm looped with his, he starts dragging her towards the street. They are going to get a cab back home and they are going to find a lawyer. There's one in the basement, isn't there? No, wait, he moved!
"Hey!" Rosie does not appreciate being dragged, mister! She puts on the brakes and yanks. "You wanted the cake! So in order to get cake you had to get married! I did this for you!" This is a legit argument.
He hails a cab, "Yes, well, thank you. But no thank you?" Rosie is kind of nuts.
"Too late!" Sorry Phil! Rosie is already planning monogrammed towels and junk. Oh and to call her mom. "Hey, hey. We're... like. Five miles or something from my mom's."
"No! Er... wait, really?" Phil considers, maybe it would make Rosie happy to see her mom and tell her that she's married to this-- no! Now he's thinking crazy thoughts. "I just want to go home." He hops in the cab first this time around.
"Yeah." Rosie didn't want to mention it, but it'd be killing two birds with one stone. Sort of. Rosie gets in and slams the door. She gets to the driver first by planting a hand over Phil's mouth, and tells him the address to her mom's place. "She's actually kind of nice."
His shoulders slump. "I guess you don't take after her?" But it's all muffled from her hand.
She hears it anyway. Phil gets pinched for that on his arm. "Not cool, oh new husband of mine. She'll rip you if you're mean."
"Ow. I'll be nice. I'm always nice. Unless people trick me into getting married." It's the truth!
"Hey!" Rosie is hurt by this comment. Except not really. She just stares out the window, and mutters, "You told Jack you would... wasn't my idea to go to the park anyway."
"Is this really my fault?" Phil worries for a second. "Jack is going to be so mad." He really worries. Oh, but he'll get over it. He'll get over it the instant Rosie isn't in his eye line anymore.
Rosie shrugs. "Jack can go marry May." And how! That'd be super cute. She feels bad for a second because he's so worried, but oh well. "Look, we gotta plan our honey moon now..."
"Rosie. Jack is going to dump me because of this." I HATE YOU.
"Jack won't dump you. He'll just find a way to murder me in my sleep so he can have you forever and ever." I LOVE YOU.
"I won't let him murder you." Phil's no longer thinking in the NOW. He's thinking too far ahead into the future. Oh god he's married.
"Really? Thanks." She appreciates that. He's married and they also need rings. Which Rosie is now noticing as she's looking at her hand. "Phil, we forgot something," and waves her right ring finger at him.
Phil holds up his left hand, "It's the left hand, Rosie. Wait, I mean. I can't buy you a ring!" Mostly because he doesn't want to be married to her.
She shakes her head, "Only if you're European, I think. And... shit, I can't buy you one either. I'm kind of broke." Phil has to support her now. "Oh! There's a store by my mom's. We can get them there. You got a quarter?"
"Rosie, it's the left hand." He is going to argue this because he knows he's correct! Why is he arguing this?! It sort of doesn't matter. "A quarter? Sure." He doesn't know where she's going with this.
"Right." It's a couple squabble. Married people do this. Rosie is right that it's the right. "Cool. I do, too." Hey, look. They're there! "Phil, honey, can you pay?" Before he has time to protest, Rosie's getting out her door.
"Le--" The cabbie gives Phil a dirty look, so he pays the man. He hops out of the cab, quickly walking after her. "Why do we need quarters?"
Ha! Rosie leads them into a little corner market with those red and clear quarter machines just inside the door. "Gimmie," she holds out her right hand for the quarter, standing in front of the one with a paper advertising rings! rings! rings! and clear bubbles inside. "Hopefully we don't get any tacky ones." From the quarter machine.
Phil sighs and hands the quarter over. "Rosie, this is by far the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. That's saying a lot, you realize that?"
"Hah, really?" This amuses her as much as taking his quarter and putting it in the slot does. Rosie turns the knob, and out pops a little bubble! Phil is handed that one, and then she roots in her wallet for another, puts that in as well, and voila! two rings! "OK, there we go," Rosie pops off the cap of hers and pulls out a fake gold ring with a fake little green stone. "Hey, this is cute! What did you get?"
Phil's is silver-- ha, no aluminum. It's pretty plain, little zig-zags are carved into it. It just barely fits his finger. A sigh, "When's your birthday? Because this? This is my gift to you." The gift not being the marriage, but not strangling her right now.
Strangulation is fungulation! "July first." He's a long ways off from that, but she'll take it. Her's is too big, so she offers it out to him, "Here. Let's switch." Sorry for ruining your life, Phil.
"You go to hell." He holds his hand up, far above her head. "I want this one."
"But!" She's actually OK with this! Rosie frowns and then puts hers on. The right hand. "There. Now no one can question it and little old ladies will complement me on my handsome catch."
Phil's is on his left hand. The correct one! Oh, wow, it doesn't matter. He's not married to her in his mind! "I'm a handsome catch? --Ugh Rosie, let's get to your mom's and hurry up with this ruse." This awful ruse! THIS SHAM MARRIAGE.
"Well, duh." The old ladies think so anyway. Rosie loops her arm through his and tugs him out the door. Her mom's place is the fourth brownstone on this block, and it's actually the upstairs unit. So she drags him through a garden and up some rickety wooden stairs. Rosie doesn't bother knocking, just pulls out a key and opens it up. "I don't think she's home." It's quiet and Rosie tip toes around the kitchen, listening.
It's really quiet. "Yeah, she's not home," she says after a minute, frowning. "Well, want to see the place? This is the kitchen, we ate here." There's a wood table and two chairs, some magnets on the fridge, and a photo or two of Rosie as a wee baby. And with the cat. That cat is dead now. Rosie gave it the fright too many times and it ran away and got hit by a car. "The living room is this way..." where there are more photos, too. Most of Cessily back in her prime, and some of Rosie. They would look alike if it weren't for the whole mercury thing... but the red hair is a dead give away in any case.
Phil looks pretty interested in the pictures. "Aw, Rosie, you were cute." Were? Nah, she still is. If not kind of nuts. Now she's his crazy wife. Oh god, the panic is coming back. "Nice place... well, if she's not home, we should get going?" He feels like she's stalling. Like any minute now she's going to tie him up and gag him.
Rosie was stalling. She kind of did want Phil to meet Cessily, but that doesn't look like it'll be this trip. Another adventure, another time! "Yeah, we should. Maybe she's out battling the bad dudes or something..." what bad dudes? Oh well. Maybe she's hooked back up with her lost love Kevin and they're having a romantic tryst in the bedroom, but keeping quiet until they leave! "Yeah, I was cute. Let's go, Phil," Rosie's starting for the back door. She kind of hates that she brought him here now.
Kevin/Cessily OTP. "--are you sure?" Phil doesn't understand how he got his way so quickly. "Rosie?"
For reals. Even Rosie supports that. "Yeah, let's go. Come on." Time to annul this sham! "I just... it's not my home. Hasn't been, and it's not her fault, but it's just not. Hey, let's get celebratory ice cream and go to the museum of Dinosaurs or something. If you're not too tired of them now." Haha, Savage Land, you sucked.
Phil actually appreciates that she will go the museum with him. "Rosie, you'll be my first and last wife, how does that make you feel?" He did get cake out of this, and soon will have ice cream! Seems like a fair deal.
Museums are full of learning and fun, and she'll try to steal a Dino bone for him. "I like that! But I hate to tell you, I may marry many men. But you'll always be my first husband." Social ladder needs climbin'. "Can I still keep your last name? It's kind of cool. McCoy."
"As flattering as that is... no." He's proud of his name! Back off! "Kincaid is a good last name." Back off!!
"Boo." He's right, Kincaid is a good name. "Can I keep it for the length of time we're married?"
"Yeah, I'll call you Mrs. McCoy until we get this settled." If that would make her happy. Phil wants her to be happy.
She grins. "Cool." That makes her happy. So does leaving this hole! "Let's shake a tail feather, Phil. Time to get to your bones."
He reaches out to take her hand and they leave the Kincaid apartment.