Dad (n) a wallet with legs [DC comics] Len/Mick
Title: Dad (n) A wallet with legs Author: Seftimiu aka Brain Freeze Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: Don't own, don't make money off of it. Warning: It's a kidfic, beware the cuteness and fluff! Notes: Kids will be Kids, Boy (n) a noise with dirt on it,
"Where exactly did you get this..." Len stopped just short of saying monstrosity. But only just barely.
Mark stifled a yawn and leaned against the large van. "Hey, you said twelve passenger. I did you better. It's fifteen passenger. And we own it outright!"
Somewhere underneath the vehicle, on the other side, Mick was doing something mechanical and cursing a blue streak under his breath. Len could hear the sound of a wrench hitting the ground and another muttered curse.
"And how did we afford this?" Len asked the tired Rogue.
"Knocked over about four ATMs after we left here." Mark nodded slowly. "Then headed over to Honest Pa's."
"Honest Pa's? Okay. What's wrong with it?" Len crossed his arms over his chest before glancing to the side to check on the boys who were playing in what constituted the safe-house's 'yard'.
"Well, it's not hot, if that's what you're worried about." Mark snorted. "Too much rust."
"Does it have an engine this time?" Len asked blandly, giving it a narrow look.
"That was only that one time, and it wasn't to us." Mark laughed quietly. "But yeah, I heard about that story too. Nah, Mick and I checked it out before we paid him. It doesn't have heat or air, and he's putting on new brake pads now. It needs an oil change, but that can wait for the day. Needs the turn signal on the left side replaced, and we have a brake light out. We're going to have to replace the hinges on the drivers and passenger side front doors. Till then, just lift up and pull. It'll overheat if you try to go through the drive through, so try not to go through any if you can help it. Unless you know you can get out of there within about eight minutes or you have your freeze gun on you." Mark scratched the back of his head, squinting as he recited everything 'wrong' with the van. "We're going to need new tires, particularly on the right rear. It's a 'willpop', but I think we're good for today. I put some fix-a-flat in it before we left the lot. The others are 'maypops'. Should be fine for a week or two. Oh, and we have no radio."
Len patiently waited as Mark continued. "Lost the rubber thing for the brake fluid, but we made a temp out of some foam. Cut it out and squished it down in there till it was tight. Need some anti-freeze. Try not to lock the driver's side door. No guarantee that you'll get it unlocked again, annnnnd the windshield wipers only work on the driver's side. Oh, and the glove box won't stay shut, so we duct taped it."
"Is there anything that does work on this thing? How much did we pay for this hunk of junk?" Len asked, blinking as Mick shouted something about 'son of a whore' on the other side of the van.
Mark paused, actually thinking about it and then responded with. "All the seat-belts work, and the windows roll down, and I chewed him down to five hundred. It's worth at least that much, believe it or not."
"Sonofhorse!" One of the boys chirped behind him and Len slowly closed his eyes while Mick's eyes widened.
"No, no, don't say things like that. I... didn't mean to." Mick groaned quietly.
"Horse horse horse." Roy chanted happily.
"It could be worse." Mark laughed, amused. "He could be saying it right."
"Yes, horse. Horsies are cool." Mick said with an air of desperation that left both Len and Mark snickering at him.
"Well, let's get this show on the road then." Len sighed to himself. The booster seats they had so far were positioned and they started to gather up children. Some went willingly, some protested. The strange little boy that didn't speak though, wrapped his arms around Mark's shoulders and hugged him as he was settled into his seat.
"Gonna tell me your name yet?" Mark asked as he snapped the belt over the shield.
The little boy gave him a shy smile and shook his head before hiding his eyes with his hands.
"Okay, well, if you start to feel like you want to be called something other than 'hey you', let me know!" He reached over and tweaked his nose lightly. The little boy giggled and hid his eyes again.
George claimed the seat beside 'Unknown' and bounced as Mark finished fastening him in as well. Beside George, Roy settled in, kicking his legs in excitement. Mark patted each boy on the head and grinned as they gave him adoring looks. It was so strange, but not unpleasant to have someone 'look up' to you. It was kind of nice, he had to admit privately. 'Uncle Mark'.
"Turn the key twice." Mick advised as he seated himself in the front passenger seat.
Len sighed heavily and rolled his eyes as he did so. It took a third try before the engine caught. He wasn't really worried about being stranded anywhere, but it was just the 'idea' of it all that bothered him most. They were professional criminals. Rogues. Thieves! And here they were, driving around in a junkmobile.
Pulling into traffic, he tried to ignore the squeals and chatter of the children behind him.
The meeting was not going as planned. The meeting? Wasn't even 'going' at this point!
They had been there for two hours already, and had not made much headway because they were still waiting on Superman to arrive. He'd called three hours beforehand, to tell them to tell the press they'd make a statement later in the day after they'd discussed things among themselves. But as of a few minutes before, he'd still not even shown up. The press was starting to speculate, and that was never good!
Nightwing stood watching out the window, staring at the stars while Wonder Woman struggled with a small wiggling baby. "Shhh shhhh shhh! Donna, please stop crying." She was at the end of her rope. Nightwing could hear it in her voice. But he still could not bring himself to make a move to assist. Part of him was afraid he'd make it worse, somehow!
"Colic. I'm tellin' ya, it's colic." Plastic Man was trying to be entertaining on the other side of the table by turning into various 'toys' for her to look at. But so far, nothing was soothing the baby. "Give her catnip tea. Just a little bit. Get her tooting and burpin' and she'll be fiiiiine!"
"Try the 'football' hold." Flash suggested. "I read about it. You kind of... oh here, let me try." He said, not sure how to describe the hold in general. He'd read it in a book before his children had been born.
He'd just taken Donna into his arms, and was holding her with his hand on her stomach when Superman finally swept into the room, holding a small child in his arms.
"Where have you been?" Wonder Woman asked, and there was a touch of exasperation in her voice. Her hair was lightly tangled, from running her hand through it multiple times as she tried hard to deal with the situation.
"Hospital." Superman's voice nearly cracked in the middle of the word and he cleared his throat as he sat heavily in his seat.
Wally and Nightwing both turned around quickly, looking closer at the bundle in his arms.
A pale face under a mop of unruly red hair peered at them. The child was too thin, and had dark circles under his eyes. As Nightwing listened closer, he could hear a slight wheezing sound. "Who is he? Is he all right?"
Superman stood again, holding the child against his shoulder as he started to pace. His hair was just as tousled as Wonder Woman's, and his face had a strained quality.
"It's Lex." He finally admitted, rubbing his hand up and down the little boy's back.
The small child didn't make any noise, except for the tiny wheezing sound. "He had an asthma attack." Superman explained quickly now. "We were only just now released from the hospital emergency room. They considered keeping him overnight, and I'm wondering if maybe they should have. He's starting to make that sound again. And I can hear that his breathing is getting more difficult."
He gently sat the boy down on the table, and it was then that Plastic Man saw that Superman had a bag over his shoulder. "They let me take this machine with me, but I'm... I'm not sure if it is too soon for another treatment." Superman was skilled in many areas, and he was intelligent as well. But he was not a doctor, and seeing a child turn blue because he couldn't breathe had rattled him. This was not something he could beat into submission, or guilt into complying.
Superman pulled out the discharge papers and looked through them, trying to figure out what he should do next. The staff at the hospital had been confident in his ability to handle the situation simply because of who he was. He wished people wouldn't make that kind of judgment call, because right about now? Superman felt he was the least capable in the world.
"Oh, oh, don't cry. Please don't cry, Lex." Superman waved his hands a moment before taking the little boy back into his arms. "Crying will make it worse... I think... It's going to be all right. I'll take care of you." He promised, rocking him in his arms. He mouthed the words 'I hope' and closed his eyes.
"Do you know what triggers his attacks?" Nightwing asked, trying to find a way to take control of the situation. He'd hoped that when Superman arrived, he'd tell them what was going on and what to do. But he was just as lost as the rest of them!
Donna was crying again, and Wally was gently bouncing her as he walked slowly from one end of the room to another. It was obvious torture for him to walk 'so slow'. Plastic Man turned his hands into rattles and rattled one for Donna and one for Lex.
"I don't know." Superman sounded more helpless than he had in years.
"If it is allergy triggered, perhaps it will subside soon. Very few allergens up here." Nightwing tried to sound comforting, but truly, he was worried as well. He'd never dealt with any asthma issues before. It was one thing when the injured or ill was a bad guy, who was an adult. It was quite another when it was an 'innocent child'. And that was exactly what Lex was at the moment. A scared little boy who had done 'nothing wrong'.
He was scratching over his eye when he heard Oracle in his ear. The news reports are starting to make noises about lack of communication from the JLA. She warned him.
"Superman just got here. Has anyone been able to contact Atlantis?" Nightwing asked.
Yes, they are currently unaffected by whatever it is that is going on. Oracle told him.
"How is the headcount going?" Nightwing's voice softened slightly as he asked, leaning against the table as Donna sniffled and drifted off to sleep while Wally continued to walk her back and forth around the room. Lex was also sniffling against Superman's neck, his arms looped over the hero's neck.
Dismal, if I'm to be honest. We're certain that whomever or whatever is doing this, is waiting till they know that someone will find them before dropping them off to be found. But it's hard to get an accurate headcount when you never know if it is someone coming back from the dead or someone that is just being de-aged. Despite the mechanical tone of the voice, there still seemed to be an air of desperation there.
"Just do your best." Nightwing sighed, rubbing his forehead.
Robin stuck his head in the room, and then pulled it out again, shutting the door.
"What the heck was that about?" Wally frowned, looking back at Nightwing.
"I don't know, but it can't be good." Nightwing decided.
The door was barely open again when he saw Robin chasing Bruce and... was that Barry? It was! Nightwing blinked and looked back at Wally. Wally grinned and nodded. "Isn't it great?"
Nightwing wasn't too sure about that. Especially since Barry and Bruce were all yelling 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' and running down the hall away from Robin who looked like a man on a mission.
Barry didn't have super speed? Nightwing was surprised because Robin was actually close to catching them both. "Okay you two, enough is enough." Robin pronounced as he managed to catch them by the waists.
"You're a poop." Barry declared with a petulant tone, crossing his arms over his chest and sulking. He kicked his legs and made disgruntled noises.
Bruce didn't say or do anything. He just went... limp. Passive 'protest'!
"Having problems?" Nightwing asked, arms over his chest.
"Not at all." Robin shifted the children and tried to walk past Nightwing and Flash, back to the room they'd started in.
"He's a poop!" Barry called out to them as they passed. "He's mean! He chases us! He didn't let us play wif the pritty buttons!"
"Pretty... which buttons?" Nightwing followed them. Now, he was concerned! There were important and dangerous buttons!
"Transporter." Robin's curt answer was punctuated by the swish of the door as he set the boys on their feet in the room. "They nearly got it working! I have no idea how the hell--"
"Oooooo you says a swear! Fifdy cents!" Bruce intoned gravely.
"I have no idea how the heck they did it, but they got things warmed up and ready to go!"
"You still has ta pay the swears jaw!" Bruce told Robin sorrowfully. Robin put them down on their feet, and turned back to Nightwing.
"GUMBY!" Bruce yelled in a squeal that caused both Robin and Nightwing to shudder and woke up Donna. Her screeching scream caused their stomachs to drop as she howled her displeasure at being woken once more.
"Gumby Gumby Gumby!" Bruce hurried over to a green form hovering just over the floor. He hugged the startled Martian child and grinned. "GUMBY!" He giggled as the other boy slid out of his arms like putty and then reformed in front of him.
"J'onn? That's J'onn isn't it!" Wally called out over the crying baby. He bounced her gently and moved back into the hall, as the little Martian boy was starting to seem stressed. "Wonder Woman is going to kill me, but..." He disappeared with the baby and returned with his arms free.
"Oh yeah, she's sworn revenge." He reported as he zipped in the doorway.
"Where's Pokey?" Barry asked J'onn.
Bruce meanwhile had reached out and taken J'onn's hand. "We pway now?"
In their heads they heard a small mental 'voice' say, Zhahn Zhownz.
"I'm Bwuce! Dis is Bawry!" Bruce told him seriously. "We pway now?"
Slowly, J'onn nodded and followed as Bruce pulled on his hand.
"I wouldn't have thought he'd react like that. Batman is always so resistant to 'strange' beings, aliens, and the like." Wally said, curious as he watched the three boys go into a corner to play. Though it was hard to figure what they were playing, exactly.
"That's just it. He's not Batman anymore. He has no preconceived notions about anything." Nightwing was slightly awed by the idea. This was a Bruce Wayne that still giggled, smiled, and wanted to play! A child that wanted hugs and love and to be tucked in at night with a story.
Superman quietly stepped into the room, holding Lex in his arms.
"How is he?" Nightwing asked, leaning closer to listen to the boy's lungs. With the revelation that Bruce was truly a 'child', came the revelation that Lex was also truly a child as well. And that he should react accordingly. His concern was genuine.
"He's still wheezing a little, but it hasn't gotten worse." Superman relayed. "I had him puff on the inhaler they put in the bag with the nebulizer."
Barry ran back to them, though, still without super speed. "You come play too?"
"I don't--" Superman started, but Lex gave him a pleading look and he felt his resolve dwindle. Though, he still worried. "Okay, but... be very very careful with him."
He gently put Lex down and Barry took his hand, walking him back into the corner with Zhahn and Bruce.
"Think he'll be all right?" Nightwing asked still concerned. He could hear the rattling wheeze whenever the boy breathed out. Maybe they should get a doctor up there?
"I have no idea. But we need to figure out what we're going to tell the press." Superman was hesitant. It was clear to Nightwing that he was out of his element, and reacting instead of acting at this point.
Plastic Man's head came around the corner. "You'll be interested to know, the report about Atlantis not being affected? No longer true. Aquababy is currently paddling around goo-gooing at the fishies. And Flashy? You're needed down on the planet. Lil'Bart is doing the superduper aging too fast thing, like before? You need to stabilize him or whatever it was you did to him the first time he got here!"
Wally didn't even answer, he was already through the door and to the transporter.
"This is just going to be one of those days, isn't it?" Robin leaned against the wall.
"I'm thinking it is one of those lives." Nightwing told him blandly as he watched the four little boys in the corner.
"You is tha mommy, and I'm tha daddy, and Zhahn and Lex are tha babies!" Bruce dictated the terms of the game.
"I dun't wanna be tha mommy. Why I gotsta be?" Barry said sourly, arms over his thin chest as he scowled. "I'm not a girrrrrl!"
"Cuz, thas how babies are made. You has a mommy and a daddy, and they do some stuffs and then they go get tha baby at tha hospital." Bruce told them with authority.
"Why? Why not twooooo daddies? Can't they do the same stuff and then go to the hospital and get the baby?" Barry asked, in complete innocence.
"I dunnooooooo." This time, Bruce said it with thought, as though the ultimate answer was indeed extremely important. "Tha two daddies would haf ta live tagether just like a mommy an' a daddy orrrrr tha game don't work right! Maybe theys gotta fill out differn paperwork out ta get tha babies?"
"Girls have cooties anyway." Barry told him with complete seriousness. "We should just be two daddies. We can fill out the other paperwork."
But Bruce was already nodding. "Otay, well, my mommy is a good mommy, but since we don't haf a 'mommy' here, you can be a daddy too! I be a doctor daddy. You wants ta be what?"
"I'm a cop daddy!" Barry told him. "You is a doctor daddy, so you need to take care of Lex lots. An Zhahn needs hugs, cause it ain't easy to be green."
Nightwing bit his lip. Hard.
"Otay, but you haf ta arrest all tha bullies." Bruce informed Barry as he went about hugging Lex and Zhahn, giving them kisses on top of their heads. Lex hadn't really said anything, and looked more confused than before, but he smiled when he got kissed on the top of the head by Bruce.
His daddy didn't kiss him on top of the head like that, so he didn't think Bruce and Barry were playing this game quite right. But, it was still nice. Bruce was doing 'mommy' things, as far as Lex was concerned!
Zhahn looked confused as well, but just like Lex, he was going with whatever it was that Barry and Bruce were deciding on.
"Oreos." Robin whispered. "We need, to get them oreos." He smiled slowly. "And take lots of pictures!"
Nightwing's eyes slowly brightened, a glitter coming into them as he got into the spirit of it. "I'll get the camera. You get the cookies!"
Mwhahahaha! Finally, something good out of this mess!
"Walmart. Is. Evil." Mick pronounced even as he helped unload children. Mark had run off to grab one of the carts that were technically 'three seaters' for children. He pushed it back to them and then ran off for a second, and then a third. "You can never just come in for a 'few things'. You always leave with twice as much as you intended to come in for. It's like... that smiling happy face, rolling back prices, is actually a subliminal mind control device!"
"You're being paranoid, again." Len assured as he belted kids into the oversized cart. "I think we'll be okay if we can find clearance items."
Even having knocked over so many ATM machines, going to Walmart didn't ensure that they'd have any money when they came back out!
Len and Mick each had three boys per cart, and Mark had two. Unnamed and Roy.
Mick's cart was filled with Giovanni, Hartley, and Axel. Len's had the baby carrier attached, with Lisa, as well as George and Sam seated together. Both boys were whispering together and Len felt a moment of near 'fear' at what they might be planning. But then he rationalized that the two boys were too small to cause too much trouble.
They split up, intent on trying to get as much done as possible, as quickly as possible.
Len should have realized that it wasn't the 'kids' that were going to start something.
At first, he didn't really hear it. Wasn't paying attention. And he hadn't expected it. Maybe if Trickster was still an adult, perhaps...
Len was looking over the diapers when he finally noticed what was being broadcast over the intercom system. Code Mauve. Code Mauve in aisle five.
That made Len squint because, he doubted that could be a real code... anywhere. He felt his stomach drop just the slightest bit when he realized that despite the 'disguised' voice, it was awful familiar.
He took a deeeeep breath and let it out slowly. Maybe if he ignored it, it would go away.
Five minutes passed in relative bliss before the intercom flared to life again. We would like to see Oliver Klozoff at the front desk, please. I repeat, Oliver Klozoff.
Len rubbed his eyes, counted to ten, and flipped through the rack of little dresses.
Lisa was dozing peacefully in her carseat while George and Sam looked bored.
So far, they'd been pretty well behaved.
Clean up in aisle five. Clean up in aisle five. Someone bring the shovel!
Len tightened his hands on the cart and pushed it quickly down the aisles. He wasn't sure where those two goofballs were. But when he found them...
He found Mick first. The problem was, he found Mick... who was by himself.
"Where are the kids?" Len growled.
"I swear, I only turned around a second!" Mick swore, eyes wide as he was frantically pacing the center aisle, looking down each of the offshoots for his three.
"If you and Mark hadn't been playing..." Len let the accusation dangle as he also searched for the missing three kids. "If anything happens to them..."
"We'll find them." Mick swore, even as he practically ran down the aisle.
Mark came around the corner, smiling, until he saw the empty cart in Mick's hands. "You lost them? How did you LOSE them?"
"I turned around for a second! I swear!" Mick looked under a clothing rack, looking for little feet, or something.
"I'll check the bathrooms." Mark pushed his two as quickly as he could.
George though had his own suggestion. "Toys." He told them, kicking his legs.
"We'll look at toys after we find your... um... brothers." Mick frantically crawled on all fours, looking underneath more clothing racks.
"Nuuuuuuu... toys!" George huffed at them.
Sam nodded, and pointed toward the direction that toys would be found. It was amazing, they were children, and couldn't read. They'd never been in this store before as a child. And yet? They knew exactly the direction toys would be found! It was like funky kid-radar!
"In a bit!" Len pushed the cart quickly, looking down an aisle that had cheap jewelry that appealed to twelve year olds.
"Nuuuuu toys!" George squirmed in his seat.
Mick knelt up and grabbed his cart, quickly chasing Len down and then passing him. "LOOK in the toys!"
Len let his head fall back a second and sighed. Of course. D'uh!
But it wasn't precisely the toy section. It was close to it that they found the children! But, it 'kind of' counted.
Hartley, Axel, and Giovanni were staring up at the television console in awe, while Axel and Giovanni randomly pushed buttons on the controls that were fixed in the display so that no one could remove them and steal them.
"Ooooooo..." Hartley's eyes were wide as he watched the little 'cartoon' jump over things as Gio and Axel pushed their buttons. "AHHHHH!" He jumped up and down, waving his arms as a 'bad guy' in the game popped up and tried to eat the little character.
"Merda! MERDA!" Gio's eyes were wide as he twisted his whole body while he stabbed the buttons in horror. He heaved a heavy sigh of relief as his character survived and ran on, Axel's in close pursuit.
Mick's shoulders drooped in relief as he realized they were all right. Len also let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Mark wasn't far behind, as he rolled up with his two.
"You two, finish the shopping. I'll stay here with mine and these three, and keep them busy. Go ahead and leave Roy and... um... Junior... here." Len said of the two still in Mark's cart. "Come back here when you have everything we discussed. And then we'll go back."
The other two men winced quietly, but nodded as they went off to finish the shopping list. He went ahead and unfastened the boys, and they all gathered in front of the small television screen and the game system.
A salesperson sidled up nearby and Len nodded. He held up his finger, pointed at the console, and then held up two fingers. Within minutes, two consoles and eight controllers not to mention memory cards and two copies of the same game were in one of the carts beside Len.
It'd be worth it, for the quiet... well... relative quiet.
Sort of.
He better get to play once in a while too, damn it!