The 8th Floor Mods (ministry_mod) wrote in frontpagenews, @ 2012-03-24 06:10:00 |
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By Nelson Coughlan |
"Criminal organisation" OSTENDO heals 74 Essex muggles overnight. Muggle doctors at St. Kentigern's hospital in Essex were stunned Saturday morning to find that all their patients had disappeared overnight, seemingly without a trace. They contacted muggle authorities immediately, who quickly found that every missing patient was not only safe in their own homes but miraculously healthy. Even terminally ill patients whose cases seemed hopeless reported that they were fully recovered, and doctors who examined the patients concurred with their findings. Each patient had the same explanation for their sudden recovery. As 16-year-old cancer patient Lynette Wells explained, "I was dead asleep when two came into my room. They said they were 'from OSTENDO' and that they were there to save me. I thought they were completely mad, especially when they started waving sticks at me, but then I started feeling better. Then they told me to go home, so I did. Who am I to argue with a miracle?" Interestingly, but probably not coincidentally, St. Kentigern is another name for the historical figure we know by the name of St. Mungo. When news of the event reached the Ministry of Magic, a spokeswizard for the Minister was quick to release a statement, saying, "While it is, of course, very nice that some people are feeling better, this was a dangerous, illegal and unethical breach of the Statute of Secrecy and the perpetrators will be punished to the full extent of the law when caught." Already, the "Kentigern Miracle" has drawn significant amounts of attention in muggle media. The Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee has been dispatched in an attempt to manage the breach by claiming the healed patients were victims of mass hysteria caused by tainted hospital jelly. Officials from St. Mungo's caution that some of the muggles might not be as healthy as they seem. "If only our jobs were that easy," said Healer Charlotte Quong. "Broken bones can be healed instantly, as can a fair few other maladies, but healing magic can be a long and drawn-out process for some ailments. It's likely that the people behind this simply masked the symptoms of the more serious patients in order to make a bigger spectacle of themselves." Story continues on page four. |