I feel you're not giving vegan alternatives the chance they deserve. I'll bring some smoked tofu when I swing by for the screechsnaps. It's healthy and high in protein, and can be prepared in a variety of delightful, mouth-watering ways.
Do plants have mouths? Leaf-watering, perhaps.
P.S. Merlin, I hadn't even thought of that. Now I'm doubly nervous. He is very intimidating, isn't he?
P.P.S. With regard to Hayley: Don't think I've forgiven you for being a heartless and cruel abandoner. You are a good and loyal friend, but an absolutely terrible pretend-paramour.