Headmaster Schechter, Don't fret, I spent every other free moment during my incapacitation distracting myself from Professor Saporta's stubborn refusal to love me by plotting out the best possible matches. I'll attach my proposed schedule to this missive.
And I do appreciate the offer, but I think the situation is best handled with a great deal of recreational drinking and a healthy dose of avoidance. There's no way to be sure, of course, whether the package was intended for someone else and I merely innocently intercepted, or if the owl was sent to me specifically, but I still think it's best if we look into some sort of regulatory system for the mail; not the contents of packages, certainly, but perhaps a record of receipt and origin could go a long way to avoid future inconvenience.