As I write in you, journal, I'm learning more and more about both exactly why I'm here and exactly what caused it before I was dropped here on my face. I honestly don't know what to say about either other than I'm sincerely horrified. I also feel at least partly responsible for so many folks here losing their loved ones, because if there's a sort of balance that's supposed to be going on, then there had to be an equal number of people brought in as were taken out. That means me being here is the direct byproduct of someone's untimely purging, and that's incredibly morbid. It makes me sick to my stomach, because my being here cost someone someone else they loved. My being here is the reason that person lay in bed at night, clutching at the spot their family, friend, or lover now used to be.
I'd genuinely give up being here if it meant the person I replaced would be back here and happy. But there's nothing I, a mere human in a sea of folk who could tear my head off without a second thought, can really do other than press on with starting from scratch and doing right by the one I had to have replaced.
Aside from the dwelling upon that, me and Jenny are gonna go and see Rachelle and her folks tonight once I'm off work. I've been living on chow mein noodles, chicken wings, and coffee since getting here, so it'll be nice to have an actual meal for once.
I've also found an appreciation for coffee finally. Like, I get what all the noise is about with it. You still can't make me look at a Starbuck's without screaming "FUCK HOWARD SCHULTZ, HE SOLD OUT MY SEATTLE SUPERSONICS!" though. It's extremely personal between a scorned fan of a team that technically doesn't exist anymore and this massive conglomerate whose reach somehow extends beyond dimensions due to the actions of said conglomerate's owner not being a good basketball team owner. And I wish I were kidding.
Man, that was some mood whiplash. I think I need some coffee before going to work. Maybe I'll see more people that I recognize today. That Star Wars situation was kinda fun a couple days ago.