Brenda is (notacrank) wrote in freedomtownic, @ 2018-06-19 00:05:00 |
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Entry tags: | ~brenda |
Who: Brenda and Thomas
Where: Their apartment
When: Not long after their kid arrives
What: Awkwardness
Status: Complete
Warnings: Nah
They had a kid. Sometime in the future...apparently...Brenda and Thomas had a kid. They were barely talking, but in some reality they did a lot more than that. She’d been emotionally conflicted before, but now her feels were in a tailspin. She didn’t want to make Jordan feel unwelcome so Brenda tried her best to keep her feelings to herself. Newt’s words kept coming back to her, however. Her feelings mattered just as much as the rest of them. That included Thomas...whose emotions about this whole thing she didn’t exactly know. That needed to change.
Jordan had gone out to explore or something. Brenda took advantage of the moment. It felt a little like bearding the lion in its den to knock on Thomas’ bedroom door, but that’s where he was so that’s where she went.
*
It was still weird knowing that he and Brenda end up with a daughter in the future. Especially when right now they couldn’t even get along. Mostly he had been avoiding Brenda because he didn’t want another fight to break out. He had enough of that after their last conversation that went sour.
He had been sitting on his bed, glancing at the network when the knock came. At first he thought about ignore it, but he didn’t. He got up and answered. “What’s wrong?” Something had to be wrong. That could be the only reason why she would be knocking on his door. Right?
*
Brenda’s brows shot up for that greeting. Mostly she was surprised until she realized he probably had a pretty good reason to ask that. She sighed as she pushed her hand back through her hair. “Nothing’s wrong. I thought we should talk.” She hesitated. “Really talk. Not fight.”
The look she gave him revealed that she was nervous, but not as guarded as usual. She picked at a thumbnail in a nervous gesture. “Can I come in or do you want to sit in the living room?”
*
Thomas wished there was something wrong. The last time they talked it turned into a fight. He wasn’t quite sure if this would be any different, but it would be rude to say no. “Okay.”
They could just talk in his bedroom, but he opted to say, “We can go into the living room.” At least if it went back again, he could ditch her. Because he seriously did not want to fight again.
He walked out of his room and went into the living room. “What do you want to talk about?” he asked as he took a seat on the couch.
*
Brenda didn’t want to fight either. Newt had been right. It was ridiculous and now more than ever they needed to get their shit together. There was someone else to think about other than themselves.
She nodded then turned to go down the hall to the living room. She let Thomas have the couch while she opted for the recliner. Her legs were pulled up in a blatant display of flexibility.
“Jordan,” she answered quietly. “More specifically what her existence implies.” She held up a hand. “I’m not picking a fight. I just want to know what you’re thinking.”
*
Thomas watched as Brenda went for the chair and not the couch. Having their future kid around didn’t really change much when it came to the two of them. “It implies that we don’t get to stay here.” Everything he heard from Jordan had been about home. Nothing about this planet ever popped up. That meant they get sent back at some point and at another point they end up together. “How are you feeling about it all?”
*
That didn’t really tell her much of what she wanted to know. This was where she would normally get annoyed and the fight would catch spark. Not this time. She wouldn’t rise to that. She was better than that. Now, anyway. Or at least she was trying to be.
“Maybe,” she said with a nod. “But we found a cure. We beat the flare and Wicked.” There was no way she’d believe they weren’t still out there. “But I meant how are you feeling about her being ours?” That couldn’t sit well with him. Not while he was still mourning the bitch and the tension between them.
*
No, it really didn’t tell Brenda how he felt because he really didn’t know how he felt knowing that he and Brenda end up with a child together. Did that mean they finally moved on from all the BS that happened or was it something else? He only knew how he felt right now about things and he still wasn’t happy with the things she had said to him. “Honestly?” he glanced up when he noticed that had been looking down at the floor. “I don’t know how I feel. It’s…weird seeing her and hearing all of these things that are supposed to happen. It’s all still slowly sinking in that she’s ours.”
*
Brenda looked at him without any expression to give away what she was thinking. It was the same look she’d picked up from Jorge. It was a familiar mask, one that made her feel more on solid ground. It came with another trick that Jorge taught her for when things got hairy. It was a fake calm, would break down when she didn’t need it anymore, but it would get her through the moment. Jorge had taught it to her so she would stay calm in a fight. It worked in this situation too. She was not going to fight!
She finally nodded. Whether it was in agreement or acceptance was up to interpretation. “Okay,” she said. Her tone held no malice or accusation, but it wasn’t defeat by any stretch of the imagination, either.
Having gotten what she thought was all the answers she was going to get, Brenda unfolded her legs then got up from the recliner to walk toward the kitchen. Not storming. Walking.
*
Thomas couldn’t read Brenda. She had her wall up and that was fine. He was pretty sure that he wasn’t saying anything that she wanted to hear. He wasn’t going to lie. There was no point in doing that. He watched as she got up and went into the kitchen. “Was that it?” He doubted it, but he didn’t know what else to say.
*
No, he wasn’t lying. Not to her face. He was lying by omission, and that was almost as bad. He obviously didn’t want to tell her, and she wasn’t going to push for it. That would do nothing but start that fight they were both trying to avoid.
“Yeah, that was it,” she answered as she reached into a cupboard to pull out a box of frosted cherry poptarts. They might as well be crack to Brenda. She loved them. “Do you want any?” She asked as she held up the box.
*
Should he get up and go? He thought about it for a moment before she asked him if he wanted a poptart. “No. Thanks.” What he wanted was for this weirdness to end. But he didn’t see that happening in the near future. “We’re never really going to get past what was said, are we?”
*
Brenda shrugged then turned to put a couple of the sweet goodness into the toaster. The question made her pause, sigh then turn back around. “I don’t know. I’m trying, but I don’t know how to act around you. I try to be myself. I’ve been pushing past things that would annoy me, but you won’t talk to me. Even when I ask you a direct question you avoid answering.”
This was going to happen whether she liked it or not. Brenda figured she might as well be sitting down so she pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “I get it. You really cared for Teresa.” Look! She didn’t choke on her name! “There isn’t anything I can do to change that, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. I can’t help how I felt...feel...whatever. I’m just doing the best I can.”
*
“Can you blame me? The last time I tried talking to you, you blew up at me.” All he had tried to do was be honest with her, like Newt had suggested he do and it had blew up in his face. Why would he want to go through that again? Brenda just didn’t understand when it came to Teresa and he had a feeling that she never would.
“You’re right, there is nothing that you can do to change that. I don’t know why you would want to. Let me get past everything that happened in my own time instead of attacking me for it.” That’s all he ever wanted. Not stupid fights with Brenda. “I get it, she betrayed us. But you barely knew her. I knew her since I was a kid. There is a lot more history there…” Could he remember it all? No. But he remembered bits and pieces and that was enough for him. “Same here.”
*
“No, I can’t blame you,” she admitted. “I was hurt and embarrassed. I’m not saying that’s an excuse or a good reason. I just want you to understand.” Brenda kind of wished she had some coffee. At least then she could hold the cup, give her hands something to do. As it was they were under the table, picking at a hole in her pants.
Brenda skipped over the bit about Teresa. Keeping on that topic would start a fight. Brenda didn’t like her and never would. Thomas would always have a place in his heart for her which Brenda resented. No good could come of talking about her.
She wanted to say that no he wasn’t doing the best he could because he wasn’t even trying to be friends where Brenda was making an effort. But again, fight. So instead she tried a different tactic. “Do you want to be friends?”
*
“So make me understand. Because I don’t understand why you had to say the things that you said.” Hurt and embarrassed, he got. But to insult when it wasn’t needed. That was something that he didn’t understand.
He wasn’t at all surprised that Teresa was dropped. It probably wasn’t the best thing since that was a major reason they were even in this situation.
“Yeah, Brenda, I do. I just don’t know how to act around you. I don’t know what I might do or say that might set you off again.” And that was the truth.
*
Brenda’s eyes lowered as her expression fell. “I shouldn’t have said those things. I lashed out. I wanted you to be as hurt and angry as I was. It was wrong and I’m sorry.” She hadn’t apologized until now. Not really. She had been sorry she’d opened her mouth and let the crap fall out. Now she was actually contrite.
“What I want you to understand is that…” That what? Brenda sighed to herself then forced the words out. “You’re hurting for Teresa, right? Ok. I don’t like that, but I can accept it. But I’m hurting too. Newt’s your best friend. You got him back. He’s my friend too, sure, but not like the two of you. The only person I had that with was Jorge and he’s not here. So I thought, ok. I’ll tell you how I feel. Take a chance. And got rejected and hurt. So I just need you to understand that and maybe try to stop being so cold to me.”
That sucked.
*
“Mission accomplished,” he told her as he looked away. It had hurt and it did piss him off when she said all of those things that she said. Still. Why did she need to attack him? They were supposed to stick together. Not tear each other apart.
“What am I supposed to understand?” he asked as he waited for Brenda to explain herself. And when she did, he wasn’t quite sure what to say. “I don’t want to give you the cold shoulder. But I also don’t want to fight with you over Teresa or anything else that might trigger you.” A lot of it just seemed to be Teresa. “I wish you could move past your hate towards Teresa. You seem to be okay with the fact that I used to think just like her. I used to be Wicked, too.” The only difference between them was that Teresa still believe in Wicked’s mission and he didn’t. Not when it killed a lot of people. “I want to get back to normal. I’m tired of the tension.”
*
Brenda ignored the sarcasm. Before, she would have snapped back defensively. Now, however, she was trying to be better. She was trying to control her reactions. So the only sign she gave that she felt anything was the tightening of her jaw.
“I need time to get past her, Thomas.” Too many people died or were hurt because of Teresa. Brenda looked solidly at Thomas. “Sure. Ok. You were with Wicked. Until The Gladers. Until you saw what they did. When it came to making a decision between them or the people you cared about you went against what you used to believe.” Why was she having to explain this?
Then she lowered her eyes to her hands on the table. “I’m sorry for the tension. I’m doing what I can to smooth that out, and I’ll keep on with that. If it keeps on I’ll find somewhere else to live.” No way would she make him or Newt leave. “And we can’t go back. Too much has been said. You know how I feel about you. I know where you stand with that. I’m coming to terms with that, but if it was just that then no problem. But we took chunks out of each other. We have to figure out what’s normal for us with all that out there.”
*
“Okay.” Not like he was going to push her to get past Teresa, but he shouldn’t get hell for how he felt when it came to Teresa. “And she did the right thing in the end. She could left me with Janson. She could have done a lot of bad things, but she didn’t.” He looked down and shook his head. Why was he even bothering? She wasn’t going to get it. She was too blinded by her hate towards Teresa.
He looked up and over at Brenda. “We? All I did was tell you the truth. You went on the attack. It wasn’t the right time. And I wish you had picked a better time to tell me how you really feel towards me.” Maybe then things wouldn’t have gone so badly. “Avoiding one another seems to be our new normal.” He wasn’t sure what their normal was anymore other than that.
*
“And trust me, there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thoroughly sorry for telling you.” It wasn’t quite snapped out but it was close. Brenda frowned, but there were tears in her eyes as she looked at Thomas. “Because it seems like every time we talk you shove that in my face. How many times do I have to apologize, Thomas? I’m not even asking you to forgive me, but fuck. Let it go!”
Brenda shook her head as she stood up from the table. Her hand ran over her face to swipe at the tears before they could fall. “Look. I’m not blaming you. Not anymore. But, yeah. We have to make an effort if we are going to get past this. I need to curb my temper, but you need to tone down the hostility. If you were aiming for me to change how I feel about you….it’s working.”
*
Thomas wanted to get up and leave. He really did not see this getting any better. “I won’t say anything about it anymore as long as you don’t bring it up anymore.” He didn’t see how he supposedly always shoved it in face, but he wasn't going to argue. He just wanted this conversation over with.
He looked up when Brenda stood up from the table. Was she going to leave? Were they almost done with this? “Fine.” Again, he wasn’t going to say anything else because he did not want to fight. “I wasn’t aiming to do anything.” It didn’t matter what they said to one another. The damage was done. He couldn’t see them ever getting back to the way they used to be or even half way. “The only thing I’ve been trying to do is avoid anymore fights with you.”
*
“Which translates to avoiding me all together?” Brenda took up a lean against the counter across the kitchen from Thomas. She needed that space between them, but wanted to still be able to look at him.
“When was the last time you asked me how I am like you really wanted to know?” She shook her head. “Not for a while. So I’ll tell you. I’m not just hurting because of you. I miss Jorge. You and Newt are close but who am I close to, Thomas?” She shook her head again. “You know I’m still stealing from people to get us supplies which is taking a risk each and every time. The police are thick out there, and I don’t know what I could do for a job.” Not that she really wanted one. “So sooner or later I’ll end up in jail. THAT! Is how I’m doing.” She snorted. “Not that you care.”
*
“I didn’t know what else to do.” It was the truth. Wicked and Cranks he could deal with. He knew what to do. This. This was not something he knew how to deal with. Since every time he thought he was doing the right thing it just turned out to be the wrong thing. Girls are too damn complicated. That’s what he was getting out of all of this.
“You could have been getting close to us, too, you know.” If all of this dumb fighting hadn’t occurred, he was pretty sure they would all be getting pretty close to one another. “I know you are. I’ve offered to go with you. But you take off without me more times than not.” It wasn’t like he expected Brenda to do everything alone. She could always ask Thomas and Newt for help. “I care. Stop thinking that I don’t.”
*
Brenda shook her head as she folded her arms across her chest, her eyes lowering to the floor. “You and I both needed space from each other. You can’t go with me and do that at the same time.” Then she let out a heavy sigh. It wasn’t easy admitting a weakness.
“I need to know that sometimes.” She wouldn’t lift her eyes. “I...yeah.”
*
“We did, but we also need stuff and I would have helped no matter what was going on at the time.” And that was the truth. But since Brenda kept taking off without him, he couldn’t help.
He stood up and took a few steps towards, but still kept his distance. “I told you before that I care... But you didn’t want to hear anything that I had to say.”
*
“I know.” Brenda didn’t move even though she knew Thomas had moved closer. He was her friend. If nothing else, there was that. She trusted him. There was no reason for her to pull away from him.
“I was angry because I was hurt and I’m sorry.” She understood that now and wasn’t exactly proud of herself. Maybe some day she’ll be a real adult.
*
“Next time…we should talk things out. In person.” No more network stuff if it was something serious. Because he did not want to go through anything like this ever again.
*
“Yeah, ok.” Brenda glanced at Thomas, gave him a weak smile then lifted from her lean to clean up the kitchen.