Who: Nihilism and Saint Sebastian What: Talking about the aftermath of the ordeal with Cocaine When: 4 PM, Saturday afternoon Where: Some small Russian cafe in NYC Warning: References to death, religion, etc.
"Didn't exactly work out the way you intended it to, did it?" Nils said, pulling out a chair across from Sebastian and sitting down, his face expressionless as often it was.
The restaurant was closed, it was one of those that was only open for lunch and had shut down two hours ago, the staff all finished cleaning the front and now in the back and kitchen doing dishes and straightening up for the next day. Nils knew the owner, and that's how he managed to get the pair of them a table - no food, just strong coffee, a table and pair of chairs. But the needed somewhere neutral, somewhere just the two of them could speak with privacy and confidence between them. Meeting around people, they'd decided, wasn't good for either of them.
Sebastian shook his head and pushed lank brown hair out of his face. "I didn't know how I intended for it to work out," he shrugged. "I wanted to help because I wanted to be useful and I knew I could help. It would have been selfish of me not to. But with all that's happened over the last two months, we all knew it would be a bad idea for me to go with them - what if it was a set-up? Better that I stay at home."
"It wouldn't have made a difference," the god interjected, staring straight back at him, his voice flat.
"I know. I just feel bad."
"You feel guilty for staying behind when your life could potentially be in danger otherwise and not subjecting yourself to a situation that has left your boyfriend and his best friend in whatever broken state they're in? Yeah, you're a martyr alright."
The saint just rolled his eyes and buried his face in his hands. "Your special brand of humor isn't helping right now, Nicolas."
Nils sighed and leaned forward, elbows on the table between them. "If your friend is handling it this badly, it's her problem and not yours. What is that they say about good intentions?"
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions," Sebastian said, looking up as he thread his fingers through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck.
"The gates of hell are open night and day; smooth the descent, and easy is the way."
"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God," he added with a weary gaze.
Nils snorted slightly and reached out to stroke Sebastian's cheek with the tips of his fingers, "There's the spirit."
Sebastian started to say something, twice, but both times he snapped his mouth shut again and was silent for another long moment. "I didn't want them to go," he said. "I should have been there telling them all the reasons why they shouldn't meddle with Drugs and how their own past decisions have sealed their fate! I know how close that family is - I was right in the middle of it for two months! I just wish it had occurred to me to think that he would be vengeful for what they did with Oscar and me. If it had even crossed my mind once, I would have known that he would never let them leave without incident."
The god listened and nodded. He knew Opium and his sister well, had known them well for centuries and had loved them both at alternate times in his life. And yet, he didn't feel stuck between any rocks and hard places when it came to this matter between Sebastian and Opium; largely because he knew that Sebastian was never in any danger while he was with the drug god. His methods when it came to love might have been unconventional, but they were always there.
"Do you really think that, even if you told them how tight-knit and prone to retaliation this family was, that it would stop them from running off to save a bunch of children?" Nils finally asked, settling his chin in one hand and reaching out with the other hand to trace the edge of bandages near Sebastian's knuckles.
"Him, yes-" Sebastian replied, "but not her. I don't think anything would stop her once she put her mind to it."
"Which is all at once incredibly admirable and incredibly stupid. Actions have consequences and if someone is too self-righteous or headstrong to recognize that their actions have consequences, then they deserve to reap the results utterly. But," he tilted his head slightly and looked up at Sebastian through the saint's fringe of long hair, "that's not what you're upset about, is it? I know you better than that."
He shook his head. "George had to bury them. He shouldn't have had to do that. He shouldn't have been in that situation at all and if I had thought to tell him that they'd never leave with those kids alive, he wouldn't have had to do that." He pressed his palms to his eyes, soaking up the first trickle of tears with bandages wrapped around his bleeding hands. "I couldn't protect him from that because I wanted so badly to be useful that even I didn't think about the consequences. I was stupid and naive to think that everything would work out fine and that they would rush in and save the day just like that."
"And what you're feeling is a little thing called guilt, Sebastian," Nils explained. "It's only a problem if you care and you, you're designed to care. Somewhere in that fascinatingly odd head of yours is something that makes you want to save people. But you can't save everyone; you just can't. And your friends need to realize that too. It's the way of the world. You need to figure out what's most important to you and protect that first and then let everything else fall in line behind that. And you need to be okay with that."
Sebastian took a deep breath and started to say something, but Nils cut him off again.
"Nope. I know what you're going to say," he shook his head, "Jesus only healed those who came to him and those he happened across in his teaching. He did not seek out miracles to perform. And even in that so-called 'ultimate sacrifice', he only saved those who would come to him with the desire to be saved. You can't argue with me, because I know the story as well as you do."
"You're right," Sebastian shrugged, defeated. "But it doesn't mean I feel any less awful about what happened."
"Better they go quickly and painlessly than end up raped, tortured, beaten and eventually killed in a much slower and more painful way. Everyone dies. At least they were mostly innocent to how truly hateful and vicious people in the world could be. Isn't it, I don't know, merciful that they were taken now?"
"That's not supposed to make me feel better."
"But it does, doesn't it?"
He nodded and stared down at the table, thinking about how it was mercy that they went this way and even if they'd been able to rescue the kids, they would have gone into the system and grown up suffering for the things that were done to them, the damage only compiling as the years went on. God took innocent children to Heaven - and Russia was mostly Orthodox again these days, so there was almost no doubt in Sebastian's mind that they had been baptized. They didn't have the opportunity to commit sins that would lead them down a road where Heaven might not be an option one day. It was God's mercy that took them, not the will of a spiteful deity
Sebastian hadn't thought about it like that before, but there was something about Nils and his ability to see things from all angles at once that made him one of the more reliable people Sebastian went to for advice. He could play the devil's advocate while being sensitive to the way Sebastian's mind worked, because he knew and understood scripture; you had to understand something to argue against it effectively. He still wasn't sure why Nils did it - since his whole life was built on a hatred for God - but he didn't question it; he learned that quickly enough with the god. He did things because he wanted to do them and for absolutely no other reason at all. And it wasn't mortality that he spoke about or anything righteous like that - it was simple fact as Sebastian understood it; logic that went beyond morality and straight to what he understood as common sense.
"It was God's will," Sebastian murmured.
And while Nils bit back the urge to say If that's what helps you sleep at night, and instead nodded and reached out for the saint's hand again. "Yeah," he replied, giving it a slight squeeze.
"And now she's run off somewhere chasing ghosts and so everyone has to be worried about her now," he muttered, slumping in his chair.
Nils grinned and pat the top of Sebastian's hand, more understanding in his expression than the saint wished to face. "Then don't worry," he said simply, shrugging. "She's a saint too, isn't she? If so, she'd be in God's hands and don't you believe that He'd guide her through whatever trials she's going through?"
Sebastian looked up and cocked an eyebrow; Nils just laughed.
"Alright," the god chuckled, "I know what you've been going through, but doubt or no doubts, the fact that she believes God is guiding her through it makes it true. If you don't want to worry, then just don't worry. Don't feel guilty for not worrying. Trust in your god, put it in his hands and let it go."
Casting him a confused look, Sebastian furrowed his brows and shifted a little uncomfortably, "Why are you saying all this? You don't even believe it."
Nils shrugged. "So?" he asked, shaking his head and reaching out for Sebastian again, because the saint kept pulling away and he'd be damned if he let the other man's mind wander somewhere else during this conversation. He'd learned the importance of touch when it came to men like Sebastian. "You believe it and it's important to you. Just because your values aren't my values doesn't mean that your values are wrong or that my values are wrong. You came to me for advice for a reason and I'm going to do my honest best to give it to you - because you're my friend and you need to stop feeling like a loser."
Blinking, Sebastian stared back for a while before answering, "Thank you."
"Do you feel better?" he asked.
Sebastian nodded, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "I do. I will. I'll feel better when I know George feels better."
"Good!" Nils slapped a hand down on the counter. "Now, I say it's time for coffee and something so sweet it makes your teeth hurt. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back."
As he got up from the table, Sebastian watched him leave and did, actually, feel a lot better than he had before.