Who: Marijuana and Heroin. Done over AIM and cleaned up for posting. What: The emotional aftermath of the GHB attack on Morphine, what was done about it, and the family's subsequent betrayal. Where: The Highway, their bedroom. When: Friday evening. Warnings: Language, references to violence/sexual assault. Angsty Drug Gods.
Heroin: The storm had settled, the flurry of posts and judgments and justifications had calmed and the entire family seemed prepared to move on, move past the violence and return to ‘normal.’ Heroin hated them all, at least a little, for that. The rage that GHB’s attack had stirred in Heroin—Heroin-- not the Shadow, still lingered, screamed under his skin and found new targets within the ‘family.’ Ketamine, who had made a private matter public; PCP, who cared more for GHB than Morphine; Shrooms, who had said nothing; Laudanum, more than all the others, Laudanum, who betrayed the Opiates, who turned her back on him, who spat in his face when he’d let the Dark in, the Shadow in, the nightmare of what he was in, the thing he’d been scared of since his conception.
And he’d embraced it for her, for Morphine, for his family because none of the Others understood, the so-called drug family that shunned the oldest among them, hurt the oldest among them. There was no family; he had no family beyond his Twin, and the rage and the Shadow and he wanted the rest of the damn drugs to burn; their family had no place for him, for his Other, and they should all suffer for lying to him, to her, for the past hundred years.
"Mari?" Heroin turned over in bed; let his arm fall over his lover’s waist as he pressed closer. Not an Opiate, the leader of the Drug Family, but his fiancé, his anchor all the same. Heroin pressed closer and the rage faded into fear in another lighting strike shift that left him reeling. "I—I’m still—it’s not over. The fight. Morphine. GHB. The others. I—it’s still in my head and I’m, God, Mari, I’m so angry and so scared and I feel—it changes so fast, and I hate them all and I’m scared that I’m always going to hate them. For siding with him, for not caring about the Opiates, and I hate Laudanum so much for turning her back on us. And it’s not going away, it’s just building and building and I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know how to make it stop."
Marijuana: As Heroin turned, Marijuana knew that something need to be discussed and he slid a hand gently up Heroin's back to settle at the base of his neck, fingers rubbing gently at the muscles. Biting his lip as Heroin spoke, Marijuana took a moment to gather his own thoughts before pressing what he hoped was a reassuring kiss to his fiance's cheek. "It's still fresh in our minds, it's still... the family is still reeling as the dynamics shift. They forgot, they skipped right by what GHB and focused on what we did and that was wrong. I know that and I know that we were betrayed, you were betrayed, the Opiates were betrayed by Laudanum. I think- maybe if you talk to Laudanum, maybe if we can reconnect with our family on an individual level, maybe it'll fade. Maybe. Time away from the city could- help. I know that me saying all this- probably doesn't help. I don't have any solutions. But I'm here to hold you when you're scared and you can talk to me about the hatred and hope that... it bleeds away that way."
Heroin: The touch helped, it always did; Marijuana anchored Heroin, as much to himself as to the family. And for a moment the rage quieted, as it always did, underneath his fiance's kiss. It woke up again, though, as it always did, and he shifted uncomfortably next to Marijuana. 'Our family,' he said, but Heroin still rebelled at calling any of them family. Their betrayal still stung and the one thing that never changed was Heroin's ability to hold a grudge; he couldn't forget and a wound to Morphine was beyond forgiveness. "You help; you keep me together. I would have walked away without you; I would have told them to burn, told them they aren't my family, told them to go to hell and take their addicts and justifications and power and so-called family with them, if-" He sighed, shivered, as he forced the tension from his shoulders. "Mari, I don't know if I can- if I can go back to being one of the Drug Family. I don't know if I see us as a family any more, not a Drug Family, not an Opiate family. All I see are the people who justified the attempted rape on my Twin, made it sound like I should let it go, like she should have let it go, and I want them to hurt just as badly as GHB hurt. All of them. Even my Laudanaum, my big sister, and your younger sisters and brothers, I want to hurt them all and I'm so scared that... that I could do it. That I'm strong enough and angry enough and lethal enough, that I could just- I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry, Geliebte." Heroin turned his face away, buried it in MJ's chest.
Marijuana:'Go back to being one of the Drug Family' Marijuana's blood ran cold. No one left the Drug Family, it just didn't happen. They were so closely bound that even the romantic issues between all of them couldn't keep them apart for very long. His mouth opened, closed, opened again but no sound came out. Finally, he licked his lips anxiously and attempted to form a response, attempted to balance the authoritarian part of him who would have done his best to get another Drug to come around, to rejoin the family even if it meant yelling at him and the part of him that desperately just wanted to hug Heroin, make sure he was alright and abandon the Drug Family to their own problems. "You're- you're good. You're sweet and loving and caring and compassionate. You're the Heroin who makes me cookies, the Heroin who bought me Pokey and moose slippers. You feed raspberries to Stoney and indulge in Cam's hero worship. I can't ask you to forgive them, I know that it's going to take me- a very long time before I can forgive them fully, if I ever do, but I know that you won't- you won't hurt your-" Marijuana paused."-them. If you're angry enough to be scared about it, that shows that you're- resisting your anger. I'm- you don't need to apologize to me. They should be apologizing to you, all of them. Apologizing to your Twin. And they won't but- but if we let things settle, let things- I don't know. Maybe you'll feel like we're family again. Soon. Eventually?"
Heroin: "But I love you, Marijuana, more than all the poppy fields in this world, more than every junkie that finds God in a silver spoon, more than every needle that brings me into the blood and bodies of my addicts, more than every stamp of my substance that circulates in this world- I love you more than all of it, everything, and- you're my anchor." The last word was whispered, a secret confessed to Marijuana's chest, to his heart as Heroin curled around him. "To the family and to who I was. Am. The part of me that is good, that loves and cares because everything else is just the hate. And the pettiness because my anger is all I have, and if I forgive them- then that makes it all right, everything they did and felt when they should have sided with my Twin, if I forgive them, they're absolved and it's like it didn't happen. Didn't matter. And it's stupid and petty and childish, but I don't want them absolved or forgiven, if I can't physically hurt them, if I can't bring myself to- it mattered. What they did and said and didn't do, it mattered and they shouldn't be forgiven, shouldn't be absolved. They should suffer; they should all-" Heroin bite his tongue, tasted blood and pressed his face into the crook of MJ's neck. "God, God, what's happening to me? I spent ninety years without ever feeling this, no hate, no anger, and now that's all there is, that's it, just the Dark, there's no more light, no more me as I was, as I should have been, as I was created to be, there's just the Dark. Maybe that's all I ever was, maybe if I'd accepted that Morphine wouldn't have been hurt, maybe-" Heroin took in a sharp breath, stopped the words that kept coming, the panic that was forcing them out and clenched his hand in the sheets next to Mari. "What's happening to me?"
Marijuana: But- *Marijuana swallowed the words, kept himself from saying that he wasn't Heroin's family anymore because this was not about him; it was about his lover, his fiance. They always had that, even if- Marijuana didn't even want to contemplate it.* You don't have to forgive them. You don't have to ever talk to any of them again. You don't have to accept their actions or move on. But I think- I think you might... would accepting that you're feeling this anger, this hatred make the feelings easier on you? I know it's- been a long time since you've felt emotions like this but maybe... maybe it's not the Dark. It's... normal to feel these emotions in a situation like this. It doesn't have to be your Dark rising. It could just be you... feeling. And if you... try to accept that, it might- *Marijuana didn't even know what he was babbling about, his words were coming out in a rush.* I don't know, it might help. And, Heroin, it was not your fault, what GHB did. It's all on him. And I wish I could hurt him again, hurt him more for you and for Morphine, I want to choke the very life and worship out of the sick bastard but I- *Marijuana took a deep breath and calmed himself, still trying to balance leader and lover as his hand slid down to rest on top of the one that was clenched in the sheets, fingers trailing over smooth skin lightly.* I don't know. But I'm here. Here to hold you, here to listen, here for- whatever you need me to do.
Heroin: "Normal?" Heroin pulled away from his fiance; sat up in bed with the covers slipped off him and Mari's t-shirt, stolen from his drawer, hanging awkwardly on Heroin's thin frame. For all the cooking, all the desserts and the heavy foods, he'd lost weight and even his own clothes hung strangely. And with his arms crossed around his chest, the angles and the thinness seemed so much more frail- so much harder to imagine warm. "There's nothing normal about this; I'm- this is why I did it, made the Shadow; I can't be angry like this. I'm Heroin- I'm lethal and addictive and fucked up and a mistake and the one thing that I ever did that was right, that made things a little closer to how they were supposed to be was seal all this up. And now it's coming undone and that's not right, it's not normal and it's not going to be fucking well normal again.' His voice was all edges, shrill and panicked and Heroin heard tears, all ice and jagged instead of watery and soft, just as he let his head fall into his hands. A thin, faint voice nagged in the back of his head; Marijuana was more than his warmth, Mari was his fiance-lover-brother and Heroin fought to pull himself back together but the edges felt so frayed and far apart. "Mari, I- I'm sorry." He dragged his fingers through his hair, the tears shoved back with his palms, before he tugged his hair into place. "I'm so sorry, I don't-" Heroin turned to the side, towards Mari again and laid his palm over his fiance's chest, kissed the top of his head lightly. "I don't mean to- I'm Heroin, I should have been stronger."
Marijuana: "I'm sorry, I-" Heroin pulled back from him and Marijuana couldn't help but bury his face in his hands. There was nothing he could say to fix this, he simply didn't understand why Heroin couldn't let himself feel anger, didn't understand how Heroin could see himself as a mistake, didn't understand anything. "I'm sorry, okay? I just- don't see you as a mistake. And I think you should be able to feel- the full range of emotions. Allow yourself to feel them but you know this better than I do-" He wanted scream in frustration, pull Heroin back to him, the sound of the tears in his... he wasn't even sure what to call Heroin anymore but those tears tore through him. "Don't apologize. Please. I'm sorry I- I just think- just-" Marijuana stared at the ceiling as if he could see through the layers of white paint and find the answers in what lay underneath. He tried to gather his focus but everything he was saying was wrong. And the worst part was, he was still focusing on himself and how all this was making him feel and he knew that had to stop. "You don't have to be strong for me, not if- May I hold you? Try to ward this all away?"
Heroin: Heroin was off his game, drowning in his own emotions instead of gliding through the feelings of others, but he still felt Mari, heard underneath his words and Heroin reached out to his fiance-lover-brother. His fingers skimmed over Marijuana's collar and up, caught his shoulder as Heroin leaned into his chest again and held tight. "You'll always be my younger brother, Mari, always be my love, that doesn't change. Fiance, lover and brother, every part of my heart. You don't have to apologize, I shouldn't have- I just- I made- When further tests were done, I changed. Everything about me was wrong, everything I'd been created for- I failed and the only thing I could do, to hold onto any of that, was to- to focus on the good, on what I could still give before I took, to send away my anger and my hate, make it seperate, with the part of me that kills, that destroys." Swallowing roughly, he shivered and hugged Marijuana tighter. "And maybe if I hadn't, I'd be more like- more like the other Synthetics, maybe no one would have questioned what I did to GHB. Maybe I would have been dark enough, that he wouldn't have attacked Morphine in the first place, maybe- maybe you wouldn't have had to give up the others. Maybe I'd still be part of the family."
Marijuana: "You're not wrong. I don't think you failed. I don't think you-" Marijuana's voice had started to deaden, to lose emotion as he wrapped his arms tightly around his- around Heroin, not believing that Heroin still saw him as family. If Heroin wasn't a part of the Drug Family, didn't recognize Marijuana's position, didn't see himself as one of them, how could he still be Marijuana's brother? They had no chemical relation, Marijuana wasn't an Opiate and Marijuana closed his eyes and struggled to rise from the sticky lake of apathy. Heroin needed him. "I don't think that's why they questioned it. It wasn't because you aren't dark, because you don't usually act violently, they- I don't know, they lost focus. They didn't realize how sickening GHB's actions were. They would have reacted the same way if I had taken full responsibility. They still would have focused on a sibling hurting a sibling, still would have lost sight of what brought that on in the first place. Whatever it was, it- they shouldn't have- you don't have to make them suffer. I will. I'll-" Up from the lake, his anger was magnified; how dare they make Heroin feel like this? They were hurting his Heroin and Marijuana closed his eyes against the ring of deepening black around blue as he breathed deep in an attempt to regain control. "We can leave. We can go to the cabin after the party. We can spend time just us... we can just be us, just Marijuana and Heroin."
Heroin: The apathy and the anger caught Heroin, swept through him as he clung tighter to Marijuana. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Heroin shifted in their bed, pressed closer to his brother-lover-fiance and kissed him. It wasn't deep or passionate or desperate; it was slow. It was careful. It was loving, Heroin rediscovering Marijuana's mouth as his fingers tangled in his lover's hair and stroked his cheek. "I'd like that; I want that. Just you and me in the cabin. Mari- you're my little brother, you're my fiance and my lover. But you'll always be my brother, the same brother who kept us all safe during the Greek debacle, the same brother who let me take care of him, let me take some of that burden, the brother that I trust with all of me- when I'm feeling like this- I'm talking to my brother, too. I just- if ever- if I ever, really, fell apart, couldn't bring myself beyond the hate, you'll always be my brother, always be one of 'us' if the rest of the drugs remain 'them.'" Heroin hated that that was the best he could offer his lover- his Marijuana, who deserved so much better, and when Heroin kissed him again, he tried to give more, love and devotion, yielded and offering all he could. "I love you. And I'm yours, in every single way, every single aspect. You have me, you're in every part of my heart and I- I'm sorry to have unloaded on you. I'm sorry." He blinked, the tears felt liquid again, but he hated to cry- hated it more when Mari was there to see it, know and be hurt by it. Heroin pressed his cheek against the crook of his lover's neck.
Marijuana: Marijuana sighed into the careful kiss, happiness and exhaustion mixed up in the sound as he leaned in, the fingers in his hair almost making everything better. Almost. "You and me and Stoney." He correctly lightly, trying to bring up a small, tiny smile and succeeding. "I think I- I know. Always your brother." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself as his arms tightened around his lover, pressing desperate little kisses to Heroin's cheeks, his jawline, a brief, needy kiss to Heroin's lips. "M'yours too. All of me. Every aspect. I love you." Marijuana was whispering, eyes closed against how hard this was. "And I'm going to do my best to- make you feel like our brother again. I will. I know you may never- want to be part of the family again but I'll try." The kiss didn't make things better, that desire to run away and just have a moment to himself was rising again but Marijuana fought it as he kissed Heroin back lightly. "You don't have to apologize. Just let me hold you, try to block the rest of the world from causing you pain. Let's just- sleep. Rest. Worry about everything else later."
Heroin: Not better, not smoothed over, not completely, but Heroin ran his fingers through Marijuana's hair, kissed his temple lightly before settling into the nook at his side. Heroin had unloaded, and the anger and the hate were gone for the moment, leaving him spent and just as exhausted. Eyes shut, he let go of the idea of 'fixing' and simply stroked Mari's hair, fingers sliding through dark, thick waves and then down his throat to rest on his chest. "I love you." Heroin whispered again, kissed Marijuana's chest lightly. "I- Goodnight, Geliebte. Thank you; you always do- my safe haven, sanctuary, brother-lover-fiance."
Marijuana: Definitely not better, but out there in the open when it could be worked on later, discussed later when they both were feeling a bit better. Marijuana reached to pull Heroin's blanket up around his lover, pulling the other blankets around them both. "I love you, te amo. Ich liebe dich." Marijuana mumbled the words quietly as he closed his eyes, fingers immersing in Heroin's hair as he leaned down to press a kiss to Heroin's forehead. "Night, amante. You're my comfort, my blanket. Make everything soft and warm." With that, Marijuana pressed another kiss to Heroin's forehead and slowly, eventually, drifted off into a fretful sleep.