To my darling sister, Walburga.
While I truly do regret the great disturbance I must have caused you last night, I cannot find it in my heart to be genuinely apologetic about ruining your dinner party. I am certain, had someone captured the sheer look of horror on Orion's face, you would be unable to as well. For surely, if they had, we would have framed it and took it out to look upon whenever he was being especially wankerish. Which is to say, most days. Every day. To be fair, he was asking for it. You know how I hate when he turns his nose up and starts speaking as if I am an imbecile the family just happened to stumble upon and take in out of the goodness of their hearts. As we all well know, there is no goodness in their hearts. Besides, I still remember when you shoved him into those ridiculous itchy dress robes when we were children. The amount of material I have on that man to use as blackmail is sinful, and yet I keep it mostly to myself because I am such a good person.
However, I am appalled at the lengths you have gone to simply to make a point. Had you just not spoken with me today I would have gotten the point, Bug. I would have gotten the point, showed up promptly at your door, and further annoyed your awful monstrosity of a husband. Then, of course, tea with Lucretia, visit with the girls, etc. etc.
That being said, I humbly insist you stop whatever this is at once and allow me to come home. I'm missing a sock and this place is most unsettling. Is this some secret Ministry Department we'll hear about in years to come when it has a complete and utter meltdown? You do see why I told father to shove it (I would insist you pardon my language, but- well-) when he tried to fit me in to one of those positions now, yes? You would miss me too much. Let's face it.
In fact, I don't see how you haven't caved yet. What if I look especially pathetic? Which I'm fairly certain I do at the moment. What with me being in yesterday's clothing and I'm pretty sure I have a black eye, Walburga. While I admit it makes my baby blues stand out all the more, this wardrobe does absolutely nothing for it. There are buttons missing, Wally. Multiple buttons. Not to mention the wine stain. We've already covered the sock. So. Yes. I would like to go home now please. I have most likely learned my lesson. Probably.
Love your darling baby brother,
Alphard S. Black
P.S. I took Orion's favorite tie pin. And traveling cloak. And some dinner rolls because I was not finished with my meal when he opened his mouth and decided to spew his, goodness Bug, I'm horrified to say it, but I do believe those were his thoughts. I weep. I do. What hope do our future generations have? Oh, what a world. What a world.
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