InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "rp is dead"

james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (staghearted) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2013-06-09 21:18:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: James & Sirius (party world)
What: angsty cuddles.
When: Saturday, after the departures (slightly backdated)
Where: random street, at least for starters
Warnings: sads

Loss was an all too familiar feeling to James. He'd lost most of his loved ones a couple of times over now, thanks to the stupid systems in place on this compound; Lily once at home and once here, Remus twice since being here. But somehow, in the midst of all the chaos of the compound, he'd gotten his old resilience back. There had been a time when nothing could break his stride, because the only thing he needed to keep moving was himself, and he couldn't lose himself. But the years without Lily and Sirius had taken their toll, broken him down in ways he hadn't even entirely noticed until he'd gotten them back. And then he'd begun the long hard process of healing again.

Now that he'd managed it, his job was once again to be the one holding everyone else together. Technically, that had always been his job, but it was significantly easier when he was not having to put so much energy into holding himself together at the same time. Now that he'd rediscovered his own inner strength, it was easier to be the rock his family needed.

First, however, he had to find Sirius. He instinctively felt that his friend was likely to be transformed, since he hadn't already appeared in human form. As for where he'd ended up, that was the harder question, because an aimlessly wandering Padfoot could end up just about anywhere. It would be quicker to transform himself, because Prongs's instincts were better than his and he was faster on four legs than two, so that was precisely what he did. Hooves clattering on the cobblestone, he took off, paying no attention to whether anyone was disturbed by the sight of a stag racing around in the city. He turned his human mind off, and followed his senses.

Not long after, he slowed down as he approached a distinctly morose and muddy Padfoot. He transformed back when he was a few feet away, because unlike the dog, he was actually cuddlier in human form, and knelt in front of his friend. Disregarding the mess it would make of his robes, he threw his arms around Padfoot's neck and rubbed at his ears.

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_rebelrebel
2013-06-10 04:53 am UTC (link)

It came as no surprise when James found him. It had only been a matter of time, really. There hadn't been any pretense when Sirilla had disappeared. When Remus had gone, some part of him hadn't been able to admit that he was gone. Only Sirlla had been able to tell him otherwise. And maybe that was why he had only been able to face reality this time. His heart had frozen up. He didn't even dare hope for her to come back like last time.

It tore something at him, realizing she was gone. She had been a constant for him here -- the first person who'd accepted him, been able to contend with all of his crazy when she didn't need to. She understood him, had kept him balanced. In some ways, it was harder to deal with than Remus. Remus, eventually, he got to see at home again. But, Sirilla, he never would. She was gone from him for forever.

Everyone disappeared just kept reminding him that, sooner or later, he had to go back. Because that was his only choice -- push through everything so that he could meet Cici and John in real time -- but that meant losing Sirilla entirely and that meant losing the self he had made here. He had to give himself up to get to where he wanted to go.

He whined when James dropped down and wrapped his arms around him, pushing his nose against James' shoulder. He knew he was making a mess of James, but couldn't be damned to care. He stayed as Padfoot for only a few moments before changing back and wrapping his arms tightly around James. He kept his face buried against James' shoulder, his hair wet against the nape of his neck.

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staghearted
2013-06-10 05:08 am UTC (link)

James had not gotten nearly so close to any of his alternate selves as Sirius had been with Sirilla, so he didn't have much of a frame of reference for that. He did know how it had felt to have Lily Snape taken away from him, though; she had been the first person he'd met here outside of Remus and Harry, and she'd been his roommate too, had been there for him and been that wonderful Lily-presence in his life when his own Lily was convinced that he was a violent murderer. She'd steadied him more times than he could count, and done the same for Harry by treating him like her child, which had been really wonderful of her.

But she hadn't been him in the same way that Sirilla had been Sirius, that sense of 'I'm me and you're you, but we're the same person' that he felt when he met another James. He hadn't had quite the same luck there that Sirius had, although he'd liked Jane a lot, and she was gone now too. Maybe it was something to do with the fact that dog types were more inclined to run together and pile on each other than deer; similar as they were, they were still different people on the inside.

Right now, though, what it came down to was that he loved Sirius with all of his heart, and was going to do whatever it took to get him back on his feet again. The whine tugged at his heart, and he held on tightly, not giving one single crap about the mess or the hard stone under his knees or the cooling air and the fact that he didn't have a cloak. Emotional turmoil took precedence over any physical discomforts.

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_rebelrebel
2013-06-10 05:28 am UTC (link)

He clung to James, fingers fisting in the back of James' robes. Sometimes, he just didn't understand how James and Lily could be so -- faithful, he supposed was the right term. They were never erring. They were steadfast, especially in their belief of him. And he loved both of them for, but sometimes he just couldn't understand why.

"Aren't you afraid of what will happen when I go away?" Sirius said, the words mostly mumbled into James' neck. And maybe that was why it was harder losing everyone, because then he was dependent on himself, on his memories, to make sure that they remained. And he knew he was unreliable. He knew that she got right back into his head the moment he got back.

He knew if he came back -- no matter what age, no matter who he came back up against -- he would want to hurt them. His relationships were only as real as they were tangible. He couldn't lose someone's physical presence without feeling he'd lost them entirely.

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staghearted
2013-06-10 05:50 am UTC (link)

"Yes," James said, because that was the real, honest answer. But probably not for the reasons that Sirius thought. "But I know you'll come back. I'll always get you back."

That applied to here on the compound and at home, too. As afraid as he'd been for such a long time of not getting them back, he knew that one way or another, he would always get Sirius back. As long as they were alive, there was hope, and the good thing about their world was that all of them stayed alive longer than they did in quite a number of others.

He wasn't afraid of Sirius himself, of the darkness and rage in him, though he suspected that was what Sirius meant. Everyone was capable of violence, everyone, even James. At the least, he was more than capable of condoning it, when it came to people who deserved it. The reasons that Sirius had wanted to kill him had been real and legitimate to him, even if they were based on false information. And the reasons he had killed (would kill) Bellatrix were absolutely and utterly justified.

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