james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (staghearted) wrote in flippedrpg, @ 2012-11-01 16:48:00 |
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Entry tags: | ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: lily black, p: annalisa, p: kit |
day 1: 541
Who: James & Lily (knap)
What: talking & things.
When: Thursday
Where: their unit.
Warnings: TBD
No matter how many times it happened, losing the people he loved would always hurt. In some ways, losing them this way was better than back home, because he had the hope that they would come back (and now he knew it was possible that Sirius might come back still remembering him), but it was also worse because there was nothing that he could do to even feel like he was working towards getting them back. He wasn't going to get his hopes up about Sirius's return, but he didn't feel completely, utterly devastated either. It hurt like hell to have the hole in his life where Sirius was supposed to be opened up again, and to think of him at home with the Lestranges, but he was going back to a world where he would get to avenge himself on his kidnappers and then raise a beautiful girl with his family. James was holding onto that thought for dear life, and thankfully Lily had caught him before he'd shut down too far, so his emotions were still storming productively inside him rather than being denied.
And that was really because of Lily. When she'd disappeared, no one had forced James to face what he was feeling; Harry had cheered him up, but that hadn't really helped his emotions in the long term. This time, he'd admitted to Lily that he was hurt, and saying it aloud made it all the more real. He had felt it, then, and that was strangely a huge relief; to feel hurt, to feel sad, to let it wash over him without trying to defend himself against it. Feeling numbed and shut down was a good coping mechanism when necessary, but ultimately it was really problematic for him.
He curled up with Lily on their couch and held onto her tight until calm settled in, the real and natural calm of emotions subsiding on their own. He could cope with this. He'd done it before. He would deal with this, as he'd said to Sirius, by holding on tight to everyone that he still had here, and by making the most of every moment he had with them. And when Sirius came back, he wouldn't hold himself back, even if Sirius hated him. He would lay it all on the line the way he'd always done with Lily in school, the way he'd always done with everyone, before he'd been hurt.
And... Lily. He had been holding back with her, because she'd left. Because he'd been unsure whether they were in the same place, and then unsure whether she was ready to move forward, since it had technically been only a short time for her to be back with him, even if she had the memories of more time than that. But that was stupid; he shouldn't be putting anything off, not if their time here was numbered. He should be trying to regain everything he'd lost, even if that only meant that he ran the risk of losing it all over again.
"You know, Lily," he said suddenly, after a long but comfortable silence. "Before you left and then came back, I was planning a surprise. For yesterday, for Halloween."