InsaneJournal

Who: Sirius and Lily^knap
What: Making things up to Lily (REPOST)
When: Aug. 22
Where: Lily's room
Warnings: None?

He knew that Lily would be upset. The instant that he had aged back up, he had known -- he had said things to her which were mean. He just hadn't known. He had told her that he would sacrifice their life together without knowing what he was sacrificing. It was difficult, because he did think that they both would have picked different lives. But that didn't mean that she was any less important to him. Which was why after everything with James and Remus that night, he was hurrying back out, heading toward Lily's room. Because it couldn't wait until the next night.

He knew that he probably had to look like hell. But none of that mattered anymore. He hurried toward Lily's room and knocked quietly on the door, waiting nervously for her to answer. He also just needed to see her, and that was part of the selfish truth. It was good that things that between him and James and Remus were getting better, but he'd been through everything with Lily, and he wasn't ready to give her up just because things were changing. It was important now than ever to make sure that she knew she was important to him.

--

Lily would be lying if she said that Sirius' words with unconscious meaning hadn't cut right through her. His words had hurt. It wasn't even that she held things against him that hadn't been in his control, but that he'd read and been told what their future held and still made the conscious decision that he didn't want those memories back, didn't want that future.

Sure, Lily loved James and loved their sons but she would never be able to forget the years she'd spent building a life with Sirius. She loved him, too, and there was no denying that. So if he would so readily give up what they'd had, the memories they'd shared, where did that leave her? It left her as the only one left dealing with this situation. James and Harry and Remus all had their hard memories and their hurts and Lily couldn't pretend to fully understand and relate to what they'd gone through but, in the same respect, none of them could really know what she and Sirius had been through or why exactly she couldn't just drop the 'Lily Black' identifier even though she recognized and willingly accepted James as her husband.

She moved to the door when the knock came and, when she opened it, the let-down and disappointed emotions were not hidden from her features. She knew he cared about her, yes, but it just hurt to think that he'd be okay with letting all of that go. She knew how much his brothers meant to him and she wanted those relationships to be repaired for him so badly. Yet, a small part of her was jealous and terrified that repairing those relationships would be at the detriment of the one between her and Sirius. Selfishly, she wanted to be considered, wanted to be a part of the reason why Sirius made certain decisions. She wanted him to be happy and to find his place again, she just wanted to be a part of that, in some way, too.

--

He figured that he could put on the sad face, cry some more, and apologize. He knew that he owed her an apology -- and no matter what he did, that was still going to happen tonight. But he was tired of being so depressed. He wanted something that was more normal -- and she had, for the longest time, been the only normal thing in his life. So, when she opened the door, he stepped in close to her, one arm going about her waist so that he could twirl her in the room, a parody of the dancing they had done around Grimmauld Place. As he moved, his other hand caught hers.

"You know I only fuck up so that you can forgive me, Red," Sirius said, his words joking but still absolutely intent. He was sorely hoping to pull some kind of smile from her, instead of that same look of disappointment that he seemed to be provoking in people lately.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said voice a little more quiet, a little softer.

--

Lily couldn't help the yelp of surprise and the subsequent happy giggle that followed after Sirius had swept her into his arms and into a make-do dance. This was just so much like them that she couldn't help but to be momentarily mollified by it. She was still hurt, yes, but for a moment she allowed herself to, quite literally, be swept up into the moment.

She met his eye and, as they continued to move, she let out a small sigh, lips pressed together as she mulled over his words and reconciled them with her thoughts and feelings. He was right, of course, in what he was saying between the lines. She was really good at forgiving him just as he forgave her often, too.

She caught even herself off guard, though, when she abruptly stopped their movements as she pulled herself as close to him as she could in a tight embrace, cheek pressing against his as her hand rested at the back of his neck, fingers curling into his black curls as the other hand remained wrapped around his. "I'm just so afraid of losing you," she admitted. Because when it came down to it, it wasn't Sirius that was hurting her, it was the thought of letting go and pretending like their life together hadn't happened so that they could reclaim their respectives relationships with the people who'd been missing them. "I do love you, you know it? And I don't want to forget a second of our life, no matter how much it hurts to think about what we missed because of it. Don't forget me, Shaggy."