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Tweak says, "Put it on me...I want you safe"

james potter is SUPERBADASSNINJAAWESUM (staghearted) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-07-25 22:40:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: James & Sirius (knap)
What: another meeting.
When: Wednesday, after this.
Where: just outside the compound.
Warnings: knap!verse always comes with angst warnings.

There had been something very cathartic about writing down everything he felt to Lily. Spilling his guts, basically, and there was something to that phrase; all of the emotions that were swirling around inside him and making him sick had spilled out onto the page and, much like he would have if he had literally vomited, he felt better for having them out of his system. For the moment, at least. No doubt he would be feeling broken and sad again soon enough; those emotions always seemed to come around again.

But even better than having talked to Lily, Sirius had agreed to meet him. Not agreed, requested. Hope-- which might even be more awful than sadness, in some ways-- had returned, hope that this meeting would start them off on the same path he was taking with Lily. It was a slow path, but Merlin, he just wanted to know that he and Sirius were going somewhere.

Sirius had said "tonight", which wasn't a specific time, but as soon as he'd agreed, he set his journal down, and his wand as well, and headed out to the place where they'd fought, just outside the compound. He wasn't surprised to find Sirius already waiting for him, and he raised his hands to show that he wasn't carrying anything as he approached. "Didn't bring my wand," he said. "But if you'd like to do an expelliarmus just to be sure, go right ahead."

The scientists had kept Sirius from cursing him before, so he wasn't afraid of what might happen if Sirius raised his wand. He wanted to believe that Sirius didn't want to curse him, anymore, and he had already trusted Sirius not to actually kill him. He lowered his hands after a moment, and waited for Sirius to begin.

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-27 05:20 am UTC (link)

Sirius was stubborn. He was fairly certain that that was a trait that was universally recognized about him. But he wasn't blind. He wanted to be able to plow forward, to be able to believe that he was the one that had been betrayed, that Remus and James had been the evil ones, seeking to destroy the happy life that he and Lily had built for themselves. He had devoted the last six year to that principle, and it was terrifying to confront the idea that it wasn't true.

But everything seemed to be pointing to that conclusion. And Lily had asked him to consider it. He already felt as if he had lost her in a way, and his heart ached with that loneliness. It was harder still to think that, if he accepted that their life together was a lie, it meant that he had never had her -- that she belonged in the life that James had crafted for them. A son that --

Sirius rose when he saw James come into his line of vision. He had been outside when he'd written the note, not wanting to lose the advantage. He didn't know what James could do if he was to arrive first. As it was, Sirius knew that there was nothing here that was dangerous to him.

"Experlliarmus," Sirius said, flicking his own wand toward James, mostly for his own peace of mind when James suggested it. And yet, it came as no surprise when no wand came flying out. Sirius stared at James for a hard moment.

"You said the Lestranges took us," Sirius prompted finally. "How is any of that possible?"

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staghearted
2012-07-27 05:37 am UTC (link)

Lily hadn't taken him up on that offer, had been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he'd left his wand at home. Yet the fact that Sirius had done it didn't bother James; inexplicably, it made a flicker of a smile appear on his face. It disappeared under the hard stare, and he looked back, jaw tensing a little bit to steel himself as he waited for Sirius to speak.

"They were supposed to be after Harry," he said, after a moment. "That was what we thought, anyway. We were all in hiding-- you and me, Lily and Remus and Peter and Harry-- because there was a prophecy about the boy who would grow up to defeat Voldemort." He took a deep breath. "It didn't end up applying to Harry. It was about Neville Longbottom. The night that the Lestranges came after us, He went after the Longbottoms. We were fighting against them when Voldemort fell, all four of us-- except for Peter, he was the one who gave away our hiding place. I still don't know why he did it, or whether he was involved in any of this. Do you?"

He hadn't asked Lily, and she hadn't mentioned him, so he wasn't sure whether Peter had even been involved at all, but that was one of the many unanswered questions James still had. He sighed, and lifted a hand to run it through his hair, tousling it absentmindedly. His gaze had lowered briefly towards the ground behind Sirius, as he thought back to everything that had happened. "I don't know how they grabbed you. You were both there, and so were they, and a moment later-- all of you were gone. We've been looking for you ever since."

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-27 05:49 am UTC (link)

He felt like every time he delved a lot into the topic at hand, he was smacked sideways with an overabundance of odd information. It was difficult to digest anything when everything was so strange. A prophecy -- about Voldemort. It was harder for him to contend with because he remembered so little of his time after his seventh year. He certainly knew who Voldemort was; he remembered the brewing of the war, but -- So much of it was a fog.

"No," Sirius answered reflex, but there was also an odd sort of pressure around the thought -- because he knew that he had known Peter, could all to clearly remember Wormtail. But for some reason he had never known what had happened to Peter, and he had to have asked, so why wouldn't he have known? Why --

"And what do you think they did to us?" Sirius asked, pressing, even though he doubted James could have known that for sure.

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staghearted
2012-07-27 05:57 am UTC (link)

"I know that you're missing memories," James said. "I know you've been fed false information. I know..." He trailed off, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again. "I know they've managed to give you entirely new fears and instincts. I don't know how. I didn't know any of that until I showed up here. While you were gone, I just thought-- I thought you might be dead, or being held somewhere. Tortured, maybe, but I never imagined them doing anything like this. As to the why, well... your guess is as good as mine."

He knew, or at least had some concept, of how strange all of this sounded. He knew that it was hard to believe, and even harder to cope with. Being the bearer of this news was awful, but at least this was the last time he should have to go through this. He'd done it for Lily, now he was doing it for Sirius.

The last time, at least, until whenever he was returned home and had to go through it there. But he pushed that thought out of his mind.

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-27 06:02 am UTC (link)

"That's a lot of memories to erase," Sirius challenged, because they were missing a whole lot. Some kind of... injury was one thing. But spells? They got messy. People went insane from having that many memories erased; completely fried their upstairs. "You don't think that's a bit farfetched?"

"And Lily and I are both pretty good at defense magic," Sirius pressed. Of course, the majority of what Sirius had learned was recent, but they had always been incredibly talented at what they did, their talents together covered a broad swath of magical talents. There was no denying that Bellatrix was also an incredibly powerful witch -- but what James was talking about. It would take a ridiculous amount of power and daring. Each time would have been a risk.

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staghearted
2012-07-27 06:09 am UTC (link)

"It's a lot of memories to lose, yeah," James said. "You think it's more believable that you lost all those by hitting your head?" His mouth quirked up in a slight smile. "I've seen you hit your head plenty of times, Sirius, it's not exactly delicate." But then he sobered, and shrugged. "I don't know, I honestly don't. I know that the memories are missing, and I didn't take them. What did they tell you?"

"And," he added after a moment, "How much is actually lost?" He knew that Lily had lost from around their seventh year onwards, from just before they'd started dating; if Sirius didn't remember the prank with the mistletoe, they might've removed sixth year for him, possibly most of his Hogwarts years. But he'd remembered the nickname Padfoot, remembered what form James took, in order to warn Lily about it... so not all of his school memories were lost.

He nodded, jaw tightening. "You are. I know you are."

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-27 06:29 am UTC (link)

It was the same argument that Lily had made -- and there had never been any denying that it was strange, the amount of memory that they had lost. After awhile, Sirius had simply stopped obsessing over it though, and had moved onto other things in his life. It was another topic that there had always been vague answers and deflections to, and it made Sirius uncomfortable to know that it was another thing that he didn't have a straight answer to.

"Mostly from seven year on," Sirius answered, although he was hesitant. He didn't like admitting it, as if it would make him vulnerable.

"What happened from then," Sirius insisted, demanding further explanation. It was easier to focus on James' explanations than his own. "From seventh year on."

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staghearted
2012-07-27 06:48 am UTC (link)

James wanted to give him all the answers, but it was exhausting. He raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. "Lily and I were Head Boy and Girl together. We... got together. We all graduated and stayed together, you and me and Remus and Lily." He paused, suddenly finding it significant that Peter hadn't been staying with them, then. What had he been doing, all that time when he hadn't been with his friends? No, that wasn't where his mind needed to go. "We joined the Order of the Phoenix, we fought a war. Lily and I got married, and you were my best man."

He lifted his head as he was speaking, and offered Sirius a tired smile as he finished that bit of dialogue. "When Harry was born, we asked you to be his godfather. And when the prophecy happened, all three of you-- you, and Remus, and Peter-- were our secret keepers."

Letting out a breath, he resisted the urge to shove his hands in his pockets. "I'll make you the same offer I made Lily. If you want to know it all, if you want to be sure I'm not lying... learn Legilimency. I'll let you see whatever you want to see."

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-28 04:33 am UTC (link)

There was so much that was missing. It was hard to work with sentences that glazed over years of time, that simplified matters that weren't simple in the slightest. He had been a part of the Order -- something he had never known. And it didn't exactly bother him, because despite his friendship with Bellatrix, his appreciation of Grimmauld Place, he had never fallen back to his family's "traditional" values. He had once fought for something, apparently -- but it made it harder, too. He was good magic, and had apparently had training in fighting. If he'd had all these skills -- why? Why fall? Why fail?

And it was difficult to swallow the notion of being the best man in Lily and James' wedding when he still implicitly thought of Lily as his wife. Not his, the dull thought rang through his head once again. He had born witness as she married someone else. And, he remembered his words to Sirilla: if they had not betrayed him, he was the one that had betrayed them. He had played house with another man's wife. Not his. His heart ached hollowly in his chest.

And godfather. Godfather to the boy he couldn't remember -- he had been there at some point, presumably. Memories which should have been precious, but he couldn't remember. And the lack thereof filled him with a quiet dread. Was there any truth more painful than this? An entire lifetime, a lie. Built upon deception, the absence thereof. Everything good about it tossed to dust.

"You assume I don't," Sirius answered quietly. He had some basic skills on it; he'd thought it important to learn.

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staghearted
2012-07-28 04:38 am UTC (link)

James's eyebrows raised, but then he gave a slight smile. "Well, you didn't, last I checked," he said lightly. "But you and Lily both have picked up some new skills, seems like. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

All of the things Lily had taken on faith, it seemed Sirius wanted more proof for. That seemed, strangely, fitting. It didn't bother James; he would rather prove conclusively that he meant everything he said and go from there than spend ages arguing to get his point across.

Lifting a hand, he gestured to his head. "You want to take me up on that offer, then? Have at it."

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-28 05:15 am UTC (link)

Sirius wanted to cringe when he heard the comment about new skills -- because not even Lily had no idea of what all he had learned. He had never lied to Lily. But there had been plenty of grey space in their relationship, little crevices where they were both seemingly content to let Sirius' secrets linger.

He couldn't help but be more surprised at James' willingness to let him venture into his head. It was so open -- that he couldn't help but be a bit intimidated by it. But he wouldn't back down. A good route to the truth was there.

So, wand firm in hand, Sirius approached James. He kept his gaze steady, jaw a bit tight, and murmured the spell, almost instantly plunging himself into James' memories.

It was a bit chaotic, but mostly chronological. He found himself at the beginning of their seventh year, and leap frogged from memory to memory, most of their pranks -- most of him smiling, being close to James. A quick pat on the back, an arm thrown around his shoulders. Running, running, into the night as Padfoot. Deciding to join the war, the bravery, the determination. They could right all things, save their friends. The quick glances that would pass between Lily and James, secret and obvious all the same (his heart lurched.) Waking up in the morning to Lily in James' bed.

Out of school, and into the war. And that was where that scar on the back of his leg was from. Almost consumed by the fights at first, the quick back and forth of all of his duels. Near collapse every night he came home. On their couch as Remus made tea in the next room, Lily and James asleep in the bedroom.

Their engagement -- and he could see himself happy, excited, James asking him to be the best man. The celebration of their wedding. Him and Remus moving out. Their own place. Too many holes in the wall, too many burns in the carpet, but an implicit sense of home.

Lily pregnant. Swollen with a child, not his, not his. But his happy face. The baby -- in his arms --

It was only then that Sirius started to shy away, feeling overwhelmed.

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staghearted
2012-07-28 05:30 am UTC (link)

It was a leap of faith on James's part, to allow Sirius into his head. Granted, the scientists had prevented Sirius from harming him before, but that protection had not extended to punching; he had no idea whether it included any sort of obliviation. After all the memory loss going around, that would have been the last thing they needed.

But he trusted Sirius still. It was instinct, and perhaps a little bit of honor. He would not distrust his friend because of what he'd been through, because of the way he'd acted based on what he'd been taught to believe.

Still, his breath caught when he felt Sirius's magic enter his mind; he let out the breath and forced himself to breathe, to focus on remembering the things that Sirius had forgotten. Once it had started, memory after memory followed fairly continuously, shying away from private moments and trying to keep the bigger, important moments in some sort of order.

He was even more emotionally exhausted when Sirius pulled away than he had been before, and he closed his eyes for a moment, raising his hands to rub at them under his glasses. He knew better than to expect that it had really fixed anything, yet; changed something, maybe, but not necessarily for the better. He had started off on this journey with Lily exceedingly hopeful that with everything he said, something would get fixed. This time he just felt jaded. Merlin, he was so tired of this feeling; tired of feeling old and insecure and drained. He kicked himself mentally and opened his eyes.

He couldn't read the look on Sirius's face, which was beyond frustrating. Maybe Sirius had picked up some Occlumency as well; maybe that was why he was harder to read.

"Too much?" he said finally, watching Sirius.

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-28 05:37 am UTC (link)

"Too much," Sirius breathed, his voice soft and hoarse, before he could stop himself. He didn't want to admit it, because it was a weakness -- and he had pulled physically away from James, as well as mentally. One of his hands was pressed over his face as if it would serve as a guard.

And it was ridiculous at the same time, because he had wanted too much. He had wanted all the answers, anything that James could provide. But any time they went a layer deeper, Sirius felt raw, as if some part of himself was being undone. He didn't know how he was supposed to do this -- he didn't know what would be left of him when it was all said and done. If he accepted everything that James told him, what kind of man did that make him?

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staghearted
2012-07-28 05:47 am UTC (link)

It was always too much. The truth hurt them so much, confused them, scared them. That was, James suddenly realized, the part that was killing him most. The fact that even by convincing them he wasn't trying to murder them, he was hurting them. The fact that just trying to be part of their lives, asking them to be part of his in some tiny way, was almost unbearably painful for everyone involved.

Having to go through this wasn't what was breaking him. Having to watch them go through it was. It had been painful enough with Lily; it was even worse with Sirius. Why that was, he didn't know; maybe it was only because it was the second time around, maybe it was because Sirius was reacting differently, maybe it was because his relationship to Sirius was different. Maybe it was just his own mental state, in general. It was probably some combination of all of those things, in truth.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm sorry." He couldn't help himself; he reached out, put a hand on Sirius's arm. "I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just trying to help."

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_rebelrebel
2012-07-28 05:59 am UTC (link)

Sirius started when James actually touched him, unable to help his surprise when the warmth of James' fingertips came into contact with his arm. His implicit reaction was to draw away, to snap at James' and remind him that he had insisted that they not touch. But he didn't do either of those things, and he wasn't exactly sure why.

He had always been tactile. He had known that. But there was something more than that when James touched him. It smacked of something that he hadn't felt in a like -- something that was akin to the brief image of James' throwing his arm around his shoulders. A sentiment that felt not like his own.

Sirius eventually drew away, but his actions were slow as he pulled his arm out from underneath James' hand.

"I'm not him anymore," Sirius said finally, his words measured.

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staghearted
2012-07-28 06:17 am UTC (link)

"I know," James said. He didn't really think before responding, the words just came out of him. He was grateful that Sirius hadn't pulled away immediately, but it still ached when he finally had. He lowered his hand and crossed his arms across his chest; a self-comforting gesture. "I'm not the same person I was then, either."

But he still had loyalties, and honor, and love for his friend. It was the right thing to do to tell him the truth, to help him. Sirius and Lily deserved to have their own lives, without being controlled by someone else. It was awful that it had to hurt them so much to get to that point, and it was starting to make even James flinch, despite the fact that he believed wholeheartedly in brutal truths.

"All I know is that you should be able to be whoever you want to be," he said. "You shouldn't have to live in fear of anything, much less fear of a threat that doesn't exist. Whatever you and Lily choose, it just matters to me that you get to choose it for yourselves."

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