lily black is unforgettably yours. (![]() ![]() @ 2012-07-23 01:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: lily black, p: annalisa, p: kit |
Who: James & Lily6-KNAP
What: Playing Hide and Go Seek
When: Tuesday, 3 July; Afternoon (WAAAAAAAAY backdated, blame Kit)
Where: Botanical Gardens
Warnings: None.
Status: ~Complete
Ever since Lily had admitted to James why she was still unsure about Remus and then the subsequent heartbreaking semblance of a conversation she’d had with Remus and then James, she’d been feeling just a little bit broken. Not beyond repair—Lily was a fighter and she knew she’d weather this storm no matter how much it hurt and tore her apart. The past couple of days, nonetheless, had been, at the very least, difficult.
She’d been trying to pull herself out of her funk and find the spontaneity and fun she’d inhabited before she’d been pulled here to face all of these very difficult situations. It had been nice meeting new people even if she still didn’t fully understand the concept of some of the other worlds yet, but it hadn’t pulled her fully out of her odd mood.
That was, not until James had warded her. Lily had been a bit skeptical at first—how could he not find the seemingly less damaged Lilys to be better company? But, somehow, he’d immdiately found the exact words she’d needed to hear. And then he’d gone even further to say exactly the words she been searching for to say to herself. Well, not verbatim, but definitely the same message she’d been trying to tell herself since she’d gotten here.
It was so familiar and whether she could remember them, she could feel their familiarity in her heart, like he belonged there, like he’d been there before. Lily couldn’t precisely explain what that meant or what exactly she was feeling, but she knew that whatever steps she took forward, she wanted him to be there. Just as she hadn’t wanted him to leave her bed, she just didn’t want him to leave, period.
There were no words, really, to express that, though—at least, not on the journals—so Lily set off to find him and find him she did. She took in a sharp breath when she spotted him—only James Potter could make a pink zoot suit look brilliant, though she’d never tell him that. Steeling her resolve, and still not finding any way to verbalize what she wanted to convey to him, she chewed on her bottom lip and moved toward him, pulling him—or more accurately taking his hand and tugging at it until he got to his own feet—up once she stood right in front of him.
She looked at him for a moment, letting her emotions read on her expression and in the look in her eyes before she did the next best thing to finding the perfect words. Curling her fingers tightly into the front of his suit jacket, she pulled him down to her level and crashed her lips against his. In this instance, Lily was pretty sure that it was better to ask forgiveness later than take the time to ask permission right now.
Where his good mood had come from, James didn't really know, but he had woken up this morning feeling better. A good bit of it, at least, had come from spending time with one of the Siriuses and from talking to two of the Lilys; while none of the alternates could replace his own wife and best mate, talking to them reminded him of the way things had been once. Maybe it had just been long enough that he needed a little bit of reminding, a little boost of hope to get his usual confidence working again.
And once he was feeling better, he'd realized how far he'd fallen. More than anything, he was sick of despair, sick of fear and pessimism, sick of holding himself back. In the past, he'd never cared about laying it all on the line, getting his hopes up, wearing his heart on his sleeve; where had that James Potter gone? He wanted to be that person again. He wanted to be the brave and noble hero of the day, who dared to hope for impossible things, who avoided rejection and loss and heartbreak simply because he was willing to put himself out there and risk it.
He was going to risk it again. He was going to shed his fears and stop holding back his heart, because that was what Lily and Sirius needed, it was what they'd always needed. His closest friends all had fears of loss and rejection and betrayal, but had been able to believe in him because he was genuinely, supremely confident in himself, generously and unselfishly offering his heart and his loyalty and his time and energy. It was the upside (well, one of the many upsides, if he did say so himself) to his ego; his confidence and optimism was contagious, it lifted people up with him.
It was funny, though, that he didn't see the pattern happening again until it had closed. He didn't anticipate that his mood would give Lily the confidence she needed to agree to be his, but of course he should have; it had happened much the same way before, the way he'd been there for her and made her laugh even in her darkest moments in seventh year had been a big part of what had finally swung the fates in his favor. It had just taken him a bit longer, this time, to get his own optimism back, to make himself laugh in spite of the darkness.
But now that he had, there wasn't any going back, he could tell. Not as far back as he had been, anyway; he did anticipate some downturns in his future. But that was alright, because Lily was his. She was his, and she was coming to find him, and long before she'd appeared James's face was hurting from how widely he was grinning to himself.
There was nothing, nothing, he couldn't get through or get over with Lily at his side, and he knew that she'd be stronger for having let him in, too. That was how they worked.
As soon as he saw her, he couldn't take his eyes off her. This was more like the reunion he'd been anticipating for years; the look on her face, the inability of either of them to find words. He got willingly to his feet, barely breathing, one hand lifting to touch the side of her face. Just when he thought his heart might explode from anticipation, she kissed him.
And Merlin, it was glorious. Very much like kissing her for the first time, after pursuing her for two years, but even better; full of pent-up emotion and passion as well as novelty. James's arms went around her tightly to hold her against him, one hand curling into her hair and resting at the back of her head, and all of the love and longing that he'd been holding in his heart and soul flooded through him, came out in the embrace and the kiss as he returned it. He kissed her until his lungs burned and his eyes stung and his arms ached from holding her so tightly and his heart had swelled so much he felt it could lift them both off the ground like a balloon, and still refused to stop; he never wanted to pull her away, or let her go, or stop kissing her, ever again.
Lily couldn't remember the last time she felt like this and she was finally accepting that it was because she couldn't remember the last or the first time she'd kissed James. The moment their lips met, though, she knew that even though this was their new first kiss, this wasn't the first time she'd felt this. This wasn't the first time he'd held her like this and this wasn't the first time that her heart swelled so much that she was sure she was about to burst with all of the emotions that swam beneath the surface.
Finally, finally, she wasn't scared. She wasn't scared because this, at least, was right. So right that she fell perfectly into him and their shared kiss. She wasn't scared because, whether she could remember him or not, he was the one she was supposed to feel this way for and he was the one that she did feel this way for. Her arms moved up to loop around his neck as she pulled herself closer to him, not having a care in the world who saw them or who knew.
Every moment that passed, she wanted another hundred moments—she wanted to stay right here in this moment as long as she could possibly manage. It didn't matter that she couldn't catch her breath or that the muscles in her legs were burning from reaching on tip toes to reach him, to get closer to him.
Lily knew that things still weren't perfect. There were so many things that were hard and things that were going to take time for Lily to work through and understand. There were things that James probably needed to work through and Harry and Remus and Sirius, too. But at least one thing was right now. One thing was making sense. James made sense. James and the way it felt to surrender herself to how he was making her feel.
He had to break away briefly to breathe, eventually, but not for long; the dam had broken, and James couldn't hold himself back. He kissed her like it was the end of the world, like he might die or break if they pulled apart, all of which seemed entirely possible. He gave and gave and took and took and it was alright, it really was alright because she was doing the same, pressing herself against him and pulling him close. It ached in the most incredible way, because he hadn't felt like this in ages, but there was nothing wrong with this moment, nothing at all.
It was ages, probably hours, an eternity before there was even a pause, a moment where there was a tiny amount of breathing space between them, when his eyes opened to look at her. With his heart pounding in his ears, in time with her heartbeat, his chest rising and falling as he breathed in the air shared between them, he started to smile and then to laugh, because he couldn't keep the energy and emotion inside him. It was a free and happy sound, but then he was crying a little bit too, one single happy, joyous tear running down his cheek.
"Lily," he breathed out, and then he was kissing her again, not just on her mouth but all over her face, one hand coming up to trace the line of her jaw and her cheekbone and the shell of her ear. And now that he'd opened his mouth, words spilled out of him, muffled against her skin and her mouth. "Merlin, Lily. I love you, I love you so much, and I don't care if you're not sure or not ready to say it back, I just want you to know that. You are loved, and you’re not alone."
Lily knew with every fiber of her being that, no matter what happened in their own timelines in their own world, being here with James was exactly the right choice. Funny how that worked. A month ago, she was certain he wanted to kill her and now here she was holding on to him as though her life depended on it.
Her fingers traced the lines of his face when they pulled apart and brushed her thumb over his cheek where the tear fell. Letting a breath out between her lips, she gave a small laugh. This was crazy, wasn't it? Them being them? If it was, she wanted to be crazy. Her eyes closed and her nose wrinkled as he kissed her face, another happy chuckle bubbling in her throat.
Lily leaned into James and pressed her cheek to his. "Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want you to be alone, either. I'm here, James. This is my choice, I'm completely here with you."
What that meant, what that would mean for their future, she didn't know. All she knew was that she wanted to find out, just as much as she wanted to find the answers to all of her other questions.
Merlin, James loved the sound of her laugh. How long had it been since she'd laughed like that? No, he wasn't going to let his mind go down that road. Not now, when she was laughing, touching his face, leaning into him. Not while they were happy, an emotion that had been hard to come by for both of them lately. He could think about the hard things later.
"I never leave you alone," he said, grinning widely, even though his eyes were stinging a little. "You used to hate that, remember?" He tightened his hold on her, resting his head against hers. "Where I'm standing is always going to be as close to you as you're comfortable with, Lily. And I want you as close as you want to be."
He lifted a hand to rub at his eyes; god, he hadn't been overwhelmed with positive emotion to the point of crying since Harry had been born. "But," he added jokingly, "if you tell anyone I cried when you kissed me, I might have to kill you."
Laughing, he kissed her again, on the nose and then on her mouth. Less urgently this time, lingering over it until his head spun, cradling the back of her head lovingly in one hand. It was a while before he pulled back, eyes opening to look at her, wanting to savor every moment of seeing her happy again.
"Oh," he said, a moment later, as a thought hit him. "I had things to give you! Most importantly…" He trailed off, and without letting her go, reached under his collar to pull out the necklace he'd been wearing for years, the one she'd started wearing once they were dating. "I imagine you'll want this back now."
Lily shook her head. “I did. It annoyed me so much, most of the time. And that’s the last thing I remember of you, but it’s different now, I can feel it. Was it like this the first time I relented, too?” There were still so many questions left unanswered and this resolution elicited even more questions, but she was content at least for the moment because she felt like part of the hollowness inside of her was being filled, like maybe she was the closest to being home as she had been in years.
Grinning, she replied, “I won’t tell anyone. I’ll just lord it over you for the rest of time. ‘If you don’t stop tossing that Snitch in the air, I’ll tell everyone that you cried when you kissed me.’ I’m a mean person like that, James.” That was still an empty threat even if she could physically defend herself now in that threats to punch someone weren’t really empty at all. “And I think we both know now that you wouldn’t actually kill me at all.”
She kissed him back, feeling her skin prickle pleasantly from her head down to the tips of her fingers and her toes. It was hard, now that she’d broken that wall between them, to resist letting herself get lost in kissing him, allowing herself to avoid and forget the rest of the world in favor of just staying right here in this moment in his arms. She couldn’t hide forever, though. And she wasn’t one to hide, anyway.
Brow creasing as she studied the necklace, Lily cupped her hand to hold the pendant. “This is mine?” Deja vu, she thought. She knew this necklace but she didn’t. Which might make sense, of course, if it belonged to her in the time that she’d forgotten.
"Well, I still don't want to leave you alone," James said. "Never would have let you feel alone, if I'd had a say in the matter." He smiled, and then burst out laughing. "The first time you relented… you said you wanted to have breakfast with me indefinitely, and then you snuck into my dorm after hours and snogged me until my alarm went off for class." He grinned down at her. "It's much easier to keep me awake all night when you're willing to kiss me."
He'd wanted to tell her all of that when she was insisting that he stay up for his concussion, but it just hadn't felt right. The memory of discussing which he liked better, sleep or Lily, and the way he'd wandered around foggily with a stupid smile on his face after she'd effectively trounced sleep with her snogs, were things that he remembered too fondly to let them be ruined by the distance between them. There had been a lot of things he hadn't been saying, because he wanted to preserve the memory for himself, but he didn't think he'd be doing quite as much of that anymore. He had resolved to be open about the way he felt and what he knew, so that she'd find it easier to open up to him, so he'd stop letting his fears and worries rule him. It was annoying how much he'd been doing that lately.
He laughed again, and kissed her again, nipping fondly at her lip. "Are we sure I wouldn't kill you?" he asked. "It's not like you've fallen asleep when I'm around, or anything… I've had no opportunities to murder you, at all." That was obviously a joke, and the look in his eyes made it obvious that he loved her far, far too much to ever want her dead. No matter how much it hurt.
The way she looked at the necklace tugged at his heart; he couldn't tell what the expression on her face meant, although it didn't seem to be negative. "Yeah," he said, sobering a little bit regardless. "It's yours. You started wearing it after we were dating, and then got me the matching ring for Christmas. I found it… on the floor, the night you were stolen. I've been wearing it ever since." He gave a wry chuckle. "Good thing, too, or it probably would've gotten left behind when I was brought here."