James Potter (mrprongs) wrote in fissuresrpg, @ 2011-01-31 23:17:00 |
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A month after Sirius and Regulus had vanished without their journals going with them, life for the two Potters had settled into a odd sort of routineness. Not normal, but routine, because each day was mostly the same as before. They’d secured a flat in the city that was, and yet wasn’t, London, and from the flat they did their work that was sold or bartered for what they needed in this strange world that wasn’t free for use. They explored and researched the world around them toward the end goal of understanding how people left and returned to this place. But the loss of their best friend, the months without their son, the knowledge of all that had happened in their world thanks to their son’s story being considered fiction in some places or being thrown briefly into that future and then cruelly ripped away, the reality that they could either be stuck here for their entire second-chance lives or sent abruptly back to death - they were all taking their toll. They had each other, but their second chance didn’t feel like much of a chance at all when everyone they loved was out of their reach unless they found themselves on another of this world’s odd ‘vacations’. James joked less, Lily laughed less, and so their always-spirited arguments were often worse. The extra rooms in the flat stayed empty, prepared for people that might never come. When Lily stirred in the middle of the night exactly a month after she had been out searching the city for any sign of Sirius, or Regulus, it was just the restlessness of not sleeping as well anymore. She might have fallen back into deeper slumber had the familiar warmth at her side not been missing, a feeling that pierced the fog of half-unconsciousness to make her heart race with sudden panic. But when she sat up in the bed, she found James in the dark room, silhouetted against the window from the light of the moons of this world, and she forced her heart and breathing to regain some semblance of normal. From where she was, she could see both were full, big and bright in the blackened sky. This world didn’t have moon cycles in the way theirs had, but the full moon would always hold enormous significance. She slipped out of bed, the fabric of her nightgown rustling softly around her thighs as she crossed the room, effectively negating the soundless tread of her bare feet. When she reached him, she laid a hand on his shoulder to let him know she was there. “Come back to bed, love,” she whispered, slipping under one arm braced against the windowsill so she could stand in front of him, so she could see his face by the light of the moons. James knew the moment Lily was awake. In the long hours of the night, when he couldn’t sleep and worry for Padfoot and his son kept him awake, he had nothing to do but listen to Lily’s soft, rhythmic breathing. When it changed, James knew he had a few moments to slip away to the kitchen or bathroom or back to bed, to pretend to be up doing something rather than up brooding, but he decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Lily knew that he was hurting, it wasn’t some grand secret. This second chance that they had been given to live was turning into a nightmare. When she went to him, James leaned down to rest his forehead against hers. He didn’t want to go back to bed. He didn’t want to lay there in the dark for hours with nothing but his thoughts to amuse him. At least here, at the window, he could look out at the two moons and look for differences in this world and his own. “I will.” he said softly. “I’ll meet you there, Lily.” Brushing her hair out of her face, Lily shook her head, clearly not buying his claim at all. While some days it felt as if she were five times her age, the truth was she and James hadn’t been married very long, but she still knew him better than nearly anyone, especially in those ways only a spouse could know another spouse. He wouldn’t have been standing at the window if he could sleep right now, and if he couldn’t sleep, she sincerely doubted he would return to the bed until or unless he needed a reassurance that she wasn’t out of his reach. “Hm. Not your best lie,” she said, voice still soft despite the chastisement. She slipped her arms around him, fitting her body to his as much out of a desire to give him comfort through contact as it was to take comfort through contact. If he wouldn’t come to bed, she would stay here with him. It frustrated Lily endlessly that there was no solution for what they were going through. They were feeling loss, but it wasn’t the loss of a dead loved one, so the rules of grief and healing didn’t really work in this situation. It was a situation that didn’t seem to have any rules because this entire thing wasn’t rational or understandable, so much was unknown. She couldn’t fix this and that galled, because the man she loved was in pain and she could only ease it somewhat with distractions, because she wasn’t as strong as she wanted to be and it made her feel so bloody useless. And it was difficult to reconcile some of the facets of their pain as well - some shared, some individual - because part of that pain was intertwined with the conflict of here versus there. She, they, had died trying to save their son, and they both knew that Harry had lived and grown up and saved the world and made a life and had a family, and this world was by no means a safe place for child or adult. But his life hadn’t been easy, terrible in many ways, and they both wanted to save him from that too. They had been robbed of seeing all but the very beginning of his life, so they wanted him with them so they could be a family. Even if they were suddenly granted absolute control over who came and went, including themselves, there were no easy answers. And Sirius? He had nothing but years of wrongful incarceration waiting for him if that was where he had been sent away to when he had vanished from this world. Punishment heaped upon grief, and now potentially all that alongside being ripped from this place after having both James and her alive. He would never have the chance to raise Harry as she and James had wanted in the event of their deaths, just have that dangled in front of him too, only to be taken away. Remus might not have been brought here to be taken away too, but he was still never far from her thoughts, the ache never gone from her heart in thinking of him living without all of them all those years. That ache had only grown since their foray into the future they’d never lived to see, where the years had been so clearly etched on his face and his bittersweet joy at seeing them alive, once he believed them, had been just that much more heartbreaking when she and James hadn’t been able to change things the way they had wanted to change them. She and James were both powerless in so many ways, and while Lily couldn’t stand it, she was acutely aware of just how much James couldn’t stomach it either. James laughed quietly. Trust Lily to see through his dishonesty. She always had been able to see right through him. Sirius could too, but now Sirius was back in prison or dead, and Lily was all that he had left. He wrapped his arms around her, holding tightly to her as though that could keep her stabilized. Sometimes, when James was having an especially tough night, he wondered if there was a way that he could have kept Sirius with them. What if they went out for drinks the moment when Sirius was supposed to disappear? Could James have acted, grabbed ahold of his clothing and not let go? Maybe he would have used a spell or hex or something to stop Sirius from vanishing. But he had not been there to see Sirius off, he hadn’t even been granted the chance to say goodbye. No one even knew exactly when he just disappeared, which left James feeling like every missed opportunity (sleeping in late, taking a few extra minutes in the loo, stopping at one extra shop before bringing home groceries) was all that it took to lose someone else important. If Lily were gone, there would be no one left to lose. Oh, he had friends here, and acquaintances, but Padfoot was gone for good. Harry, the sweet faced boy with Lily’s eyes, his dark hair and a set of tiny dimples in his baby fat....well James couldn’t even stand to think about Harry anymore. They were supposed to get to watch him grow, to teach him things. The plan B had always been for Sirius to take him if things went awry. Knowing that had not been the case, that Harry had grown up in a loveless, abusive environment made James even more sad. It was just one more injustice to pile with the rest, and the list of what was wrong with this second chance at life was swiftly overtaking the list of what was right. “I’ll go to bed eventually,” he conceded. “There’s no need for you to stay up though.” With a swallowed sigh, Lily nuzzled his throat, a silent show of affection before she tipped her head back to see his face. She studied him, no doubt seeing too much in those intent moments, or at least more than he likely wanted seen. Ultimately, it was the sadness that affected Lily the most. If he spent all his time angry at being robbed of their lives with their son, raging at being held at the whim of whatever power was behind this place, quick to fights about both small and large matters, Lily could have handled that, likely by losing her temper too. But the sadness, quiet and pervasive, was intolerable in a man who challenged life the way her husband did. She couldn’t ease it, not in the way that meant they were moving forward, because it was the same sadness that gripped her. And it wasn’t that easy to overcome, because they were both mourning, in a way, a life they had lost and desperately wanted back. While they both tried to find ways to quietly celebrate more days together, neither of them really wanted to move on, to make a new life with the same passion that they had made their first one. But crying on about not being able to make their sadness fade wasn’t what Lily wanted. And in the face of no solution to this, she did the only thing she could do - she loved him, unreservedly. She has lost him that night to Voldemort’s deadly spell and she wasn’t going to lose him now to their grief. “My husband isn’t in bed with me, that’s need enough to stay awake,” she said, pressing a kiss to his throat, soothing herself with the steady beat of his heart beneath her lips, the tangible proof that they hadn’t lost everything. “Your husband seems like an able bodied lad, I’m sure he can see himself back to bed before the sun comes up.” James’s tone was teasing, but his eyes were still sad. He knew that he should likely go back to bed and let Lily get some rest, but somehow the thought of laying there staring at the ceiling for hours just wasn’t something he could do. “Really, Lily, I’ll be fine. You should get some rest.” After all, there was nothing, short of standing here with him and snuggling him all night, that she could do to help. She couldn’t bring Sirius back. She couldn’t find a way to reunite them with their son, no one could. She didn’t know how much he missed Sirius when he looked out at those two big moons, how he thought back to better times when he was one of four best friends. Back then the Marauders seemed invincible, back then the world seemed like it was going to fall into their laps. Back then he never would have pictured he’d die before he had a chance to really live and grow up and raise a family. James might have thought that Lily didn’t know how much he missed Sirius, but the truth was, she had a fairly decent idea of how much. The four had been inseparable for years, but while James had always had unique dynamics with each of them, it was Sirius that James had ultimately been the closest to because they had become, in every way but surname, brothers over that time. Her in-laws had taken Sirius in and treated him as their own son, solidifying the bond between the two, and that had been reflected again and again over time. Sirius being James’ best man, Sirius being their choice for Harry’s godfather, Sirius being their original choice for Secret Keeper. She knew how much they each meant to the other, a bond of family as much as friend. And even if she didn’t have such insight into it, the fact remained that she missed Sirius so much sometimes that it was hard to breathe, which meant James felt it even more acutely. So Lily knew, and that was why she couldn’t go back to bed, just as it was how she knew that, eventually, they were going to have to actually talk this all out if they hoped to figure out what was next for them. “I’d rather stay with you,” she said, tightening her arms around him. “So we can stand here the rest of the night if you like, as I’m not going back to bed without you.” James groaned softly. Trust his stubborn, redhaired wife to make a stalemate of this. He knew it would be better for her if he would go back to bed, let her get some sleep, but he also knew the real reason why Lily was staying up--she wanted to talk. James normally had no problem discussing things with Lily, but for some reason this was harder. This wasn’t something they could chalk up to a bad day, or come up with some solution to fix it. Sirius and Harry weren’t coming back. Harry was suffering under Lily’s pig relatives and Sirius was in prison or worse. Talking this through wasn’t going to fix anything, and dwelling on it would just make them both feel worse. There wasn’t a single positive way to spin this. Gone was gone. “If you insist on being stubborn,” James said affectionately. “I’ll go put on some tea.” Putting on tea was productive, and looked much less brooding than standing in the window, besides, James reasoned, maybe a warm cup of tea would be just what they both needed to get tired and sleep. At least it was progress, even if it wasn’t the choice to return to bed. “Mm, tea sounds lovely,” she said, squeezing him tightly in the embrace for a few moments, long enough to press a soft, loving kiss to his lips and feel his response to that gesture, before releasing him. sometimes it felt as though all she could off James, all they could offer each other, was this physical comfort - both sexual and not - because words just weren’t enough. Though it wasn’t ideal, Lily was still accepting of that as their reality, because it meant they were still together and they weren’t closing themselves off entirely from life. To ward off the nighttime chill between the bedroom and the kitchen, she moved to a chair in their bedroom to fetch the silky soft robe that matched the nightgown, but didn’t seek out anything to cover her feet because it wasn’t that cold in the flat. Once it was belted around her waist, she reached out for James, slipping an arm around his waist to fit herself to his side. James watched Lily as she put on the silky robe, thinking again at how lucky he was to have her for his wife. It wasn’t just that she was gorgeous--although she was. He had fallen in love with her beauty first, but what kept him interested was her fire, her determination, her strength and humor and intelligence. No, Lily was lovely, but she was also strong enough to stay up all night to keep him company. When she slid her arm around his waist, James wrapped his arm around her shoulders and moved with her to the small kitchen and started on the tea one handed. It was only slightly awkward, but James liked the closeness, the way he could accomplish the task without having to babble on at Lily. What was there to say? They had lost both Sirius and Harry, and who knew who would appear or disappear next. All that they had to count on right now was a moment at a time, and for right now, James wanted to spend that moment enjoying tea with his wife. It really wasn’t an efficient way to handle making the tea, but Lily didn’t protest when he didn’t let go and instead attempted to do everything he was after with just one hand. In this area of the kitchen the closeness wasn’t even that odd, given its size, which was smaller than their kitchen in the house in Godric’s Hollow, or the old house in London. It was what they could comfortably ‘afford’ to have, this size, because in this world, there was no vault full of family riches for James to insist they use, and Lily didn’t exactly feel the urge to magically expand the flat because the larger spaces would have just been a reminder of emptiness. Though, honestly, most things could be a reminder of that. Being awake right now, as she and James had been for the last month, as one or both of them had been for the four months since their arrival, was a reminder that all but screamed in the silence. Lily hated that kind of silence. It wasn’t comfortable, it was oppressive. James didn’t want to talk, but Lily needed to say something, and uttering inanities in the wee hours just seemed pointless. “I don’t think you’ve slept a full night in bed with me in a month,” she said, the tone deceptively conversational, though she had no illusions about it actually seeming that way to James. James had never suffered from some grand delusion that he was pulling one over on Lily, but to hear her lay it out so conversationally only highlighted the fact that she knew exactly how hard this was on him. While it might have been a relief to not have to pretend at being ok to some, James felt no relief. He was not avoiding admitting how hard this was on him out of some misguided attempt to be macho, instead he was trying to avoid talking about it entirely. There was no way to fix this situation, so James felt that discussing it could only bring about pointless pain. “It’s only been three weeks since you’ve taken up snoring.” James said lightly, trying to distract Lily from the matter at hand. “I can put up with all sorts of annoying habits, love, but that is one I cannot tolerate while laying next to you.” Though he often frustrated her, and they were quicker to argue or be moody with each other in the last month especially, Lily still loved things like this, coming up with something amusing to say to avoid discussing what was actually being brought up, about James. That humor was something she didn’t want to see fade because this new life, while gained after dying, still paled when compared to what they’d had and lost. She didn’t want to lose those parts of James that made him who he was, that made her love him as much as it made her want to throttle him at times. Besides, she didn’t snore. “I think if I can find a way to sleep through years of your snoring, you can make allowances for any noises you think I’m making in my sleep, but are just your imagination,” she said, her tone just as light as his, but the gaze locked on him clearly said she wasn’t distracted by his attempt to divert her. “I do not snore.” James said indignantly, though he had often heard reports to the contrary. “In any case, the fact that you were foolish enough to play the martyr and put up with my small nighttime...hiccups does not mean that I have to stay around to suffer through yours. That’s why I’ve been so restless these last few weeks, Lily Evans Potter, and if you want me to stay in bed all night, perhaps you should find a charm to cease snoring!” James finished the tea and poured it into two cups. He picked up one and offered it to her with a wink. “Maybe the tea will persuade you to sleep more quietly.” Only when James passed her the cup did Lily finally let go of him so she could cradle the cup between both hands and let the warmth seep into her bones. She still didn’t stray far, though - in fact, she stayed close because she knew he would have a harder time keeping up his antics in the face of her determination if he actually had to look at her. She wasn’t trying to be cruel, and she wasn’t simply doing this because she felt as though talking was the only solution for herself, she was doing this for him as well. There would never be even a fraction of peace for either of them until they confronted it. “So this tea has persuasive properties, does it?” she said, drinking a bit before continuing. “Does that mean it will persuade you to talk about the real reasons we aren’t sleeping through the night?” James was quick to pick up his own tea after Lily had hers, and he took a deep drink. It tasted surprisingly good, considering it was only made with one hand. However, Lily spoke and he almost choked on it. He had almost tricked himself into thinking that they were through with the talking thing. How wrong he was. The way she said that ‘we’ weren’t sleeping through the night was throwing him. He had imagined, wrongly apparently, that he was the only one that he was hurting every time his mind grew too chaotic and he had to get out of bed. He had no idea that Lily was waking up those nights as well, that she was seeing right through his charade. However, the knowledge that he wasn’t pulling anything over on his wife wasn’t enough to get James to stop. “No,” he said quickly before shooting her an impish smile. “We can’t agree on who’s the snorer, remember?” His dedication to his game was admirable, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating for her. With a deep sigh, she shook her head at him. “James,” she said, just a touch of exasperation in her tone. “You aren’t the only one going through this. There isn’t any reason to try and do it alone.” She didn’t want to fight with him tonight, but she also didn’t want to see this continue on indefinitely, leaving them both worn by fatigue on top of everything else. Most importantly of all, she didn’t want to see grief do to them what she had seen it do to so many during the war, tear them apart because being together ultimately just made it too painful. They had to find some way to move forward, no matter how slowly. “I know.” He said softly, clutching the tea cup tighter, to the point that he was almost afraid he would shatter it. “I know, Lily, but what’s the point of talking about it? It’s not going to bring him back. It’s not going to give us our baby back. Wallowing in all that happened won’t do anything. We should just move on, distract ourselves with what we do have.” Even to his own ears, the words sounded hollow. James knew there was no way to focus just on what they had here, not with so much loss surrounding them. Still, talking about Sirius being gone made James feel like a wounded animal trying to avoid attention that might be painful. It might help him to talk, but it might hurt worse in the process. No, talking about it wouldn’t give them what they had lost here, like Sirius, and it wouldn’t bring to them what hadn’t come here even after they had lost it there by dying, like Harry and Remus and others. But it was necessary, Lily continued to tell herself that over and over because it was the only option left that she could see. Well, one of two, but ‘ignoring it until it destroyed them’ wasn’t really an option. “This isn’t moving on,” she said, setting her cup down and then his taking his cup away from him before there was a spill and something else she needed to mend from a break. “Moving on would mean doing more than just existing and that’s what we’re doing, James. Existing. Lately, the most alive I feel, that you feel to me, is when we fight.” They always had been good at fighting, even back at Hogwarts, so it was no surprise to James that they both noticed that there was still a lot of emotion in their disagreements. However, the fighting wasn’t who they really were. They never had been a couple who fought and broke up and got back together again just to repeat the cycle. Lily was his rock in the middle of a war that shook all of them to the core, and he was hers. When they were in the cottage, and suffering from cabin fever with just the two of them and the baby, there had been plenty of fights. However, more often they turned to each other, and enjoyed the quiet solitude, the world that was the two of them and their ever changing little boy. The problem was that here, there were no guarantees of tomorrow. For all he knew Lily would disappear just as Sirius had, and then he’d be fully alone. He almost reached for his cup again, needing something to do with his hands, but instead he raked one hand through his hair and sighed. “What’s the point, Lily?” He was no longer teasing. He was feeling a little claustrophobic (something he knew had more to do with the feeling of impending doom than the kitchen’s small quarters) and his temper was too short for jokes. “What’s the point of doing more than existing here if we’re just going to disappear one day without any warning?” “The point is to make the most of this time, Jamie,” Lily said, expression softening even as her words took on a harder, determined edge. The use of the nickname didn’t negate that she was willing to fight him on this if necessary. Someone had to fight this descent into numb routine. “We don’t have Harry.” Tears pooled, but didn’t fall. “Unless we stumble into our world again during his lifetime, we won’t see him unless he’s brought here. We don’t have Sirius or Remus.” Even now the ‘or Peter’ was there, ready to be said, because the truth hadn’t excised those years where he had practically been family. Even now, months after learning the truth, it was a bitter pill to swallow and there were days when Lily just couldn’t believe it was the truth, that Peter had so horrifically betrayed them all. “We don’t have our friends,” she continued, unwavering despite the pain of these truths being repeated. “But we also have no future back in our world where they are if they’re still alive. The only place we can have one is here.” She slipped her arms around him then, palms sliding up his chest and neck to cradle his face, not as comfort but so she could be certain he was truly paying attention. “And we still have each other, that still has to mean something to you that’s worth fighting for, that’s worth living for.” She didn’t consider his answer would be anything other than yes, not because she was completely confident that it was the affirmative, but because she couldn’t begin to face an answer of no. James knew that she was right. If he didn’t have Lily, everything else would pale in comparison. How many times, in Hogwarts, had he thought that if only he could win Lily Evan’s heart, he’d want for nothing? He had Lily now, so what was the problem? The problem was Sirius, and Harry, and Remus and even that rat bastard Peter. With them gone, James and Lily really and truly had to start completely over, and it was hard to invest faith in something that might be only temporary. “What if they take you?” James asked, voice rough and void of any hint of his trademarked teasing. “What if they take you, Lily? Thumbs moving over his cheeks, Lily closed her eyes briefly, long reddish lashes brushing her cheeks as though it could hide her from the reality of her answer to his question. “Then they take me,” she said, and it was incredibly hard to say, because she longed to comfort him with assurances that she would always be where he was and desperately wanted to cling to the same idea that he would never just vanish, but they couldn’t stop this. Whatever this was, either person or deity or sentient world or natural phenomena, it had the control, not them. She opened her eyes then, the green depths filled with pain, but also with that same determination that had been backing everything she said since she had woken up. Painful though it was, she needed him to see what she saw about their situation, what she felt was the only course of action. “James, we didn’t stop living because we were in a war where we were losing people or because we went into hiding. Those situations made living in the moment just that much more important, because we knew it could all change tomorrow. This is just another situation like that.” “This is different, Lily. I can fight a war. I can fight the things that that monster created, but I can’t fight people disappearing into thin air!” It was far easier to fight a war, to go head to head against a Death Eater, than it was to face an invisible force that could pull them away at any time. James felt confident when dueling any man, but who was he to argue with a god? Who was he to argue with the laws that tied this world together? “I can’t lose you.” He said, his own eyes brimming up with tears and then spilling over. Lily looked so strong, so determined, and he wanted more than anything to match her devil may care attitude, but right now all that he could think about was being well and truly alone in this world that he was only beginning to understand. The place had more than one moon for crying out loud. Muggles here didn’t bat an eyelash at wizards, in fact, he was told they had seen stranger things than magic. He couldn’t face this world without the aide of friends, family and his wife. He didn’t even want to try. It nearly destroyed Lily’s resolve to see those tears come. It wasn’t that James had never cried in the entire time they had known each other, or that he attempted to be an over-masculine git constantly, it was that if there was one thing that everyone thought of James having, it was the about-to-do-mischief grin plastered across his face. With one hand she pulled his spectacles down his nose, then slipped her thumbs beneath them to wipe away the tears. Once she’d chased the first wave away, she righted his spectacles and stretched to kiss him, brief and soft. “You couldn’t always fight, James,” she said softly as she pulled back. “There were days you paced our home because there was nothing for you to fight, but we managed just the same. We still lived.” They had lived with Harry, but they didn’t have that luxury here. They had to find a way to go on with what they did have. “I’m still here, and we can still live here, we have to do so here, even without Harry, even without Sirius and Remus.” James said nothing, instead he just pulled Lily close. He couldn’t think about what he’d do if she wasn’t here and he had to face this new world alone, because that was a thought he couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around. Instead, he had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, focus on trying to rebuild some kind of life here, and hope that the people that they loved and lost would be returned to them. It was unimaginably hard, but it was also their only option. He rubbed her back, and rested his cheek on top of her red hair. He’d just have to try to forget that losing her here was possible. “Do you think we’re ever going to see them again?” Lily nodded immediately. “Yes,” she said, but she didn’t expand on that yes, didn’t try to make it more specific. As much as it was possible they would never see anyone again, it was also possible that they would find themselves temporarily away from the Hub again in various times or people would come and go from this place in the future. “And I’m still here,” she repeated as she kissed his neck, his collarbone, his chest - any place she could reach with her head tucked under his chin like this. James relaxed visibly when Lily said that she thought they’d see their friends and family again, and then he relaxed a little more when Lily started to kiss his chest and collarbone. Lily was still here, and as long as she was everything was alright. It was silly to keep her up while he worried over something that they couldn’t fix, and even sillier to waste the second chance that they had here. How many others would take the gift they had been given and squander it away as he had? Frank and Alice would no doubt love a second chance. “Come on, love” He said softly. “Lets go back to bed.” It was definitely a start, which was all Lily had wanted. She had just wanted to stop this before they slipped so far there was no retreat and to make a start toward a different path, no matter how difficult. Maybe now they truly could. With a wave of her wand, she empty the cups and sent them to the sink to be dealt with along with the breakfast dishes in the morning, then took James’ hand and led him back to their bedroom. As always when she moved down the corridor, her gaze lingered for the briefest of moments on the doors leading to bedrooms empty of people, but not empty of things. They would always be there, waiting for what could be given or taken away from them, but those rooms didn’t have to be the only thing that defined her and James’ life. Once inside the bedroom, she shed the robe she had put on, fabric slipping over pale skin warmed to faint gold by lamp light, then turned back to her husband. James watched as Lily slid the silky robe off, then climbed into bed and opened his arms for her. He yawned, oddly suddenly very tired now that they had resolved so many things. They hadn’t really done anything to fix their situation, or found a way to bring their loved ones back, but for some reason James felt better about everything, almost at peace. Almost, but not quite, as he knew that would come later, either when he had grown enough to embrace the life here, or what they lost was returned to them. “Sorry for keeping you up.” It wasn’t just about tonight, because he knew that Lily had waited up for him on other nights as well, woken up alone and wondered where he was. She was hurting just as much as he was, and yet she had been strong for him for a long time. The drapes were still open from James being at the window earlier, so Lily waved a hand at them to twitch them closed once again to keep out the bright light of the moons and the early morning sun so they could have a chance to sleep restfully. That done, she moved onto the bed and slipping easily into his arms, settling next to him more comfortably as she drew the blankets up over the both of them. “You didn’t, Jamie,” she said, her lips settling on the line of his collarbone again. He hadn’t been the only one plagued by sleeplessness, after all, and as far as Lily saw it, they were completely even for keeping each other awake from night to night. She curled closer, a smile starting to curve one side of her mouth as she did. “But you could make it up to me just the same if you aren’t yet ready to sleep.” James snorted softly. Only Lily could take him from feeling ready to give up and depressed to peaceful, and then make him want to keep her up all night for an entirely different reason. Still, he was feeling pretty tired, and he knew that she had to be as well. They needed comfort tonight, and the rest could come tomorrow. “In the morning, breakfast, I’ll make it all up to you and then some.” He said, amusement clear in his voice. “And I’ll try to not burn down the kitchen afterward when I make you breakfast in bed.” Only ever so slightly disappointed he was turning her down, as she was tired but would have stayed awake for the closeness that came from bodies twined together, Lily pressed another kiss to his collarbone but didn’t press further. Especially not when he was talking about using the kitchen to make a meal. “Try?” With a playful groan, she flopped onto her back and pulled an extra pillow over her face. “How many times has that been said and how many burned, exploded, broken or destroyed things have I had to replace during our marriage after it was said?” “Don’t whine, Lily, I just gave you a chance to brush up on your charm skills.” Not that Lily needed a chance to refresh her skills, she was one of the most gifted witches James had ever encountered when it came to charms. He loved that she was so talented and wise, and he was beyond proud that everything he was learning about Harry pointed to him taking after his mother in those areas. “I give you my word that I’ll extinguish any fires all on my own tomorrow, and I vow that if I break anything, I’ll try to not make a larger mess by fixing it, how’s that?” Soft laughter escaped from under the pillow, Lily unable to resist this brief bit of lightheartedness. He really was a skilled wizard in many respects, but Charms had never been a natural skill for him. In school, she had spent a great deal of time thinking he was faking it just to get her attention through instruction, but she had eventually learned the truth. It was why they complimented each other, able to challenge each other as much as teach each other. “Your word is good for a lot, James Potter, but it never means much when the drapery is involved,” she teased, then thumped him lightly with the pillow that had been over her face. James fell back against his own pillow with a low groan. “Your word is good for a lot too, Potter, but it never means much when it comes to not abusing your poor mistreated husband.” He took the pillow from her and put it over his own face. “Woe is me.” he said, somehow managing to keep a straight face. “My wife is an evil vixen who delights in hitting me with pillows and slandering my good name with one or two minor instances that were easily rectified. What am I going to do?” “Minor?” Lily laughed as she shook her head, shifting to roll on top of him so she could prod the pillow. “Someone is forgetting the day you, Sirius and Remus set the entire dining room carpet on fire in the London house and we had to replace it because there were spots where there was nothing left to transfigure or charm. Easily rectified? Ha!” She had been beyond furious that day, but the three had been a picture of apologetic innocence right down the line, with James at the end of the spectrum that was mostly innocent mischief and a little apology because he knew he had the husband card to play and Remus mostly apologetic because he’d always been the one to feel bad for putting her out. James snorted and stared at the ceiling as he remembered that day so long ago when they were all so young and carefree. Back then he thought they would always be together, three of the inseparable Marauders who were going to be getting into mischief for the rest of their lives. What he wouldn’t give to feel that way now. “Looking back, it was all Sirius’s fault. I’m sure you noticed that I was the mature one sitting off to the side giving them both a good dose of your patented maturity lecture.” Maybe it wasn’t entirely helpful tonight to reminisce, but it did amuse James, so Lily was glad of that. They couldn’t just excise all their memories because they held loved ones out of reached, no matter how it might hurt. Even no matter how much thinking about those times, even though they were barely a few years ago, made her feel so old. Here she was, nearly to her twenty-second birthday, and her soul felt twice as old because of all they had lived through. But while the memories could be painful, she was glad they had a few Peter-less ones of better times, because thinking about Peter on top of the rest of this was a recipe for disaster. Lily would never understand how the boy she’d known could turn on them like that and grow into that ratty little man who groveled at the feet of Voldemort. But perhaps that was because she didn’t want to. “Oh, I’ll remember you said that,” she said, yawning unexpectedly, which just seemed as good a reason as any to lay her head on his chest right where she was. “That’s quite blackmail worthy, that lie.” “You cannot blackmail me, madam, I’m quite above all of that.” James’s hand went instinctively to her hair, and once it was there he was surprised at how much calmer he felt, how his tiredness seemed to double. “And I don’t lie either,” He said, figuring that he might as well lay on the fibs nice and thick. “The truth just bends to suit my purposes...” He liked the sound of that, he decided with another yawn. “Now go to sleep, wife, and maybe I’ll grant the drapes a reprieve in the morning.” “The truth bends to suit your purposes?” Lily let out a sleepy sound of amusement as she rubbed her cheek against his chest. “Now I have heard everything.” She shifted to settle herself more comfortably in both bed and draped over him, skin warmed by the closeness of his body. He could be better than a hot water bottle at times, despite not being a massive man, but it suited Lily just fine and always had, because she invariably needed some part of her warmed and didn’t mind light nightwear to keep from overheating. “I don’t think you will grant them a reprieve, but sleep sounds very nice,” she said with another yawn, tone thick with encroaching unconsciousness to match the way her body was gradually growing limp, relaxed by both sleep and a semi-resolution to her worries about James, herself and their shared situation. It wasn’t an instant fix, but it was a start, and a start was all they needed, wasn’t it? “I might have granted them a reprieve had you not decided to freeze me.” James grumbled good naturedly. He liked the feeling of Lily resting on top of him, their limbs resting one on top of the other so that he couldn’t quite tell where he ended and she began, but he wasn’t about to let that on. James smiled as his eyes drifted closed, and leaned over to press his lips to Lily’s temple on blind instinct. He yawned once more, and muttered something about a charm to make their new drapes fireproof and then the word ‘eggs’ and then he fell asleep with a loud snore. |