WHO: Buffy Summers and Dean Winchester WHAT: In which Buffy dumps ice down Dean's pants aka she bitch slap him silly aka She tells him to get his act together and stop ignoring his son, and now his brother. WHEN: Shortly after Buffy's response to Sam's arrival. WHERE: Castle Slayer! Rating: Likely High PG-13/Low R. Mention of alcohol, Dean has a mouth, and mention of death.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Those were certainly words that should be etched on every Winchesters gravestone. Whether they were meant tongue-in-cheek or utmost sincerity wasn't far from an accurate description of most of what how they went through life. Head-strong, self-sacrificing, emotional demon hunters who went in head first often times then they should. Even the most critical of them, even the most thoughtful of them. They felt too much, fought much too hard. Gripped on 'til their knuckles bled but dismissed themselves much too quickly. They thought too often with their emotions. Which was often why so many things that obviously should't haven been -- seemed like a good idea at the time.
For Dean it might as well have been his slogan, his catchphrase. Once upon a time when he got by on simply being adorable and loving his brother, his father, rather then bottle to bottle and nightmares. And maybe it did still fit. Hell, no pun intended, that was what he'd told Sam when he sold his soul. What he told himself as he chipped away at his health bit by bit with alcohol and even worse habits since being brought back. It all seemed like a good idea. No thought. Just feeling.
Feelng was Dean's saving grace and his curse. If there ever was a Winchester that dismissed himself much, much too quickly it would be Dean. That was basically the first thing he did when finally noticing who Ben truly was nearly a month and a half after his arrival. You know, after being upset at Lisa for lying to him. Buffy for not telling him. Himself for not insisting.
Not like there was anything to insist upon. He'd been a man on borrowed time and Sam had still needed him - or so he liked to believe (and which was actually true no matter what voices of self-doubt might sneak into Dean's thoughts) - and now he wasn't someone with anything to give a kid. Not that Ben was a kid. Ben was a well adjusted guy. So it seemed. From what Dean had read. And he had read. Self-torture was also his speciality. And yes, he really had taken a page from Sam's angst book in the last year and some months.
Sam might have written the book but Dean'd always been an eager student. He had given himself and repeated a million and a half different reasons why Ben wouldn't want anything to do with him. Hell, why would he. He didn't want anything to do with him. He would have played the: Why would Buffy want anything to do with him?, card. However, his girlfried had gotten this look in her eye that said that she would break him and use him as kindle if he even tried. Dean certainly been much too sober to not care about being in pain externally, on top of things.
So instead he focused on why it was an actual good idea to ignore one of the things he wanted the most. Everything from he was too drunk, too broken, too weak, not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, too young, not ... it didn't matter what he used because in the end it went from reason to excuse, and then back again, until the point that Dean realized for himself what an idiot he was being. But by then he felt that it was too late.
And he was at an even bigger lost at what to do. He didn't want to assume that Ben was anything like him - outside of good taste - and would snap up whatever attention was he was given. It seemed as if the kid had a dad and a good one. He had found Ben's message. And he had missed his chance. The kid had probably moved on.
The best plan, clearly, would to leave things alone. Leave Ben to go his way and to swallow - wants, questions, a desperate need for acceptance - whatever he was feeling in order to do the same. It wasn't the first time that Dean had fucked up and had needed to, in the end, buck up and deal. It certainly wouldn't be the last.