InsaneJournal

Justin and Wayne
WHO: Justin and Wayne
WHEN: Wednesday, November 19th
WHERE: Wayne's flat, then London
WHAT: Justin is taking Wayne out to help him change his mind.
RATING: R, of course there might be swearing
STATUS:


Justin knocked at Wayne’s door and bounced on his feet. He hadn’t told Wayne that he was coming but he had inquired about his schedule that week and he should be home. He wanted to see his mate more, especially since the last time where they really seemed to be able to talk and open up about themselves and it helped Justin feel better about having Wayne back in his life, no longer afraid that his mate would leave again.

A smile crossed his face when he heard the locks on the door getting unlocked and he grinned completely once the door opened.

-----

Wayne’s mind stumbled halfway into consciousness due to an unplanned door-pounding. What the hell? Having landed the day off, Wayne was unaware whether it was even night or day, with the shutters closed as they were.

The flat was a wreck. Dishes piled at the coffee table (there was no dinner table), empty- or probably-empty soda cans on most surfaces...Wayne had lost track, too, of how long he’d been wearing the pajamas he was wearing. Were they his day-pj’s or his night-pj’s? He didn’t care.

Motor functions coming back to him slowly - it was muscle memory more than brainpower unlocking the locks - he opened the door to see…

Oh. Justin.

“What day is it?” he asked blearily, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the light change.

----

Justin looked at Wayne down, then up again a huge smile on his face. “We’re Wednesday and no you did not forget anything.” He said before Wayne asked. He didn’t have an appointment with his friend, he simply had wanted to do something nice.

“I’m kidnapping you.” He said softly, tilting his head. “Well, not in the way that I’ll forcibly grab you without you saying yes to it, but mostly.. I’d like to take you out and it is not planned.” He did hope Wayne would shower before they left though because.. well, Wayne didn’t even seem awake. “First round of coffee is on me.”

-----

Wayne’s mind processed Justin’s words without really retaining much. Most of what stuck was we, out, and coffee. He nodded, pushing the door open, and walked toward the bedroom, and through it, the bathroom. Justin could let himself in.

He wasn’t awake enough - or, really, emotionally invested enough - to feel embarrassment about the state of his flat. Years of kitchen work ensured he didn’t have food scraps lying around, but the other elements - laundry in heaps and draped on various surfaces, dishes in the sink, boxes still not unpacked - was a crapshoot.

Oh, right, the pot. That was there, in a bag next to the postal scale on the kitchen counter, waiting to be divvied up.

But Wayne really just registered that he needed to shower, so he abandoned Justin and only really woke up once he stepped under the freezing water.

That’ll do it.

“JESUS H CHRIST that’s fucking cold,” he spluttered. “Hi, Justin,” he added, extremely belatedly.

----

While Wayne walked away, Justin let himself in and looked around. Okay, his own flat had looked like that back in the days he’d been studying and eventually moved from a tiny flat to the one he now owned. “Do you mind if..” He didn’t get the chance to say anything else that Wayne was gone and he was left to stand in the flat.

He took his wand out and with a swing sent all the laundry towards a basket he could see in a corner. Whether it was used for clean laundry, he didn’t know, but it was empty and right there for him to use. Then he gathered all the soda cans and magically cleaned them to prevent bugs and finally, got the dishes to float to the sinks to soak. His eyes landed on the pot and he refrained from thinking anything of this..

“Hey,” He answered as Wayne shouted out to him while he was in the shower. “Glad you are more coherent.” He said with a chuckle. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it was the reason he didn’t want to move in with Justin. Maybe it was the pot and maybe it was.. well Wayne was messy. He had always been and Justin knew that. It gave him a sense of purpose to be picking up after him.

-----

(sorry - felt the need to draw it out. this bottom rectangle is the flat’s front door)

Shivering, Wayne toweled off his hair and strode back into the living-room-kitchenette of the flat.

“Sorry,” he told Justin sincerely. “About...well. Everything.” The state of his flat, the not-talking-until-now, the abandoning-him-in-the-flat.

“You…” Wayne’s eyes registered the cleaning Justin had done, and he blinked rapidly.

“Wow. Um, thanks.” It wasn’t that he’d been unwilling to clean, exactly, he just hadn’t been particularly motivated. Sleeping was just so much better than being awake, lately.

“So yeah, this is the palace,” he said, aware that his flat was dingy: with cracks in the plaster of the walls, watermarks on the ceiling, ancient second-hand furniture, the errant Happy Meal toy, and the muffled sound of neighbors shouting at each other.

“Would it depress you or impress you that this is better than where I was back in Cardiff?”

-----

“A bit of both actually.” he understood that Wayne was proud and liked to do things on his own, but maybe one day he’d accept his offer and come live with him where at least it was structurally sound. And he never heard the neighbors.

He looked around and blushed. “Oh it’s okay. I understand the whole working all the time and have no motivation to do anything else. It kind of reminds me of that studio I had after..” He stopped a minute and looked away. “Well, after my real 7th Year.” He ran his fingers through his hair and chuckled. “Ah well, all I did was attend class and study. Without anyone making sure I’d eat, I would forget.” He’d had so much to catch up on.

“So..” His eyes landed on the pot again. “That’s why you won’t come live with me, huh?” Justin figured Wayne didn’t want to bring his illegal stuff in his flat.

-----

“And give up the glamor of this place?” Wayne was under no illusions, but it was his. Maybe at a discounted rate because of his secondary employment, but it was still something he’d achieved. Nobody’s charity, just hard honest work. Well. Hard and slightly illegal.

“If I didn’t work at a restaurant, I’d probably forget to eat too. And I’m using the word restaurant loosely. But this is the first place I’ve had by myself. I was in Merthyr with Mum, but for a while in the middle I was living in a students’ house in Cardiff. That place was a real dump. Um, before that, I was with Llinos and her grandmother with Rhys. But that was years back.”

Done with the towel, Wayne tossed it into the now-full hamper.

“So, what’s the occasion? Just bored?”

----

Justin nodded. He kind of understood where Wayne was coming from. He could have easily remain with his family a lived at his parents’ while he studied but having his own place had it’s charm. But somehow, Justin couldn’t help but wonder if maybe getting out of there could help Wayne with his alcohol problem and possibly even make the social services see him in a better light. He’d give it time though, as he was sure Wayne would see reason eventually.

Not to mention that Ernie was entirely right about sharing a living space with someone you had feelings for being a terrible idea.

“No occasion at all. I wanted to spend time with you.” Of course he couldn’t help the little feeling that he had inside. The thrill of just being with him for no other reason than ‘just because’.

-----

“Aw, you old sap,” Wayne grinned, giving Justin a friendly slug in the arm. “That’s okay, I missed you too.” Truth be told, he hadn’t really felt much of anything. Just constant work-driven adrenaline with an undercurrent of persisting numbness. And the heavy knowledge that one drink, just one, would make it all better.

“I’ve been meaning to call. Or come over. Or. Well. Most of what I’ve been doing is ‘meaning to do’ stuff.” He didn’t need to hide or make airs with Justin. Justin knew exactly what he was going through at the moment.

“How’s work?” he asked, grasping at straws, trying to converse about anything other than his recent elevation over addiction / descent into the gutter.

“Anything exciting going on?”

---------

Being in the medical field, Justin knew exactly what Wayne was talking about. It had been a brief topic during his course to be a Mediwizard, but what mattered was that he knew. He totally knew that Wayne would find it hard, wouldn’t see this as getting better but as things getting terrible, which is why he wanted to be there. Well, he had offered for Wayne to crash at his place any time, but it seemed like his mate needed for Justin to crash at his instead.

“It’s a perfectly normal phase.” He reassured his friend with a smile. “I’m not holding it against you, which is why I am here and I am going to force you to come with me and have a good time, even if it just means sitting at a coffee shop together and have a pastry.” He said sweetly.

“Nothing exciting. Same old same old, but I just wanted to spend time with you. Seems like things were a little.. rough, the last time we spoke.” Which had definitely only got worse afterwards, requiring for Justin to get Ernie’s help.

Ernie, who’s voice was now resonating in his head again. I've always known you have feelings for Wayne, but they've never really gone away, have they. Damn Ernie and his amazing deduction skills.

“You doing okay though?” It sort of worried him that Wayne hadn’t sought him out before, or contacted him. Which was why he was here though.

-----

Wayne gave Justin a small smile, grateful for his honesty and goodwill - the last time he’d tried to follow up on something that’d ended not-so-great, it’d bitten him in the ass. He should’ve known it wouldn’t be that way with Justin, though.

“Yeah.” Things had been a little rough - like Ernie had said, just another issue tacked onto Wayne’s growing laundry-list of issues. A pun jumped into Wayne’s head and it came out before he could pre-empt it with context.

“You know Ernie thinks I have issues? Enough to make me a fucking magazine, apparently.”

Wow, that’d sounded better in his head.

“Not that he said it quite like that, but he’s...not wrong.” Wayne carded his hands through his still-damp hair.

“I’m kind of a hot mess, actually. Thanks for asking.”

-----

Justin had a problem on his hands. Wayne was not doing good and he needed a friend, needed support and did not need more issues to have to work with. He was torn between standing there awkwardly and soothe Wayne with words or put on a poker face and do what Hufflepuffs did best. He did what Ernie would have done, putting his own feelings, doubts and discomfort aside and closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms solidly around his friend.

He ignored the little pinch in his stomach and hugged him tight. “I can’t tell you enough how..” It was an extremely delicate situation and didn’t want to interfere into Wayne’s sobriety process, but at the same time, he knew that if Wayne was surrounded by friends who loved him, people who could help him raise his self-esteem and confidence in himself, then it would work. He pulled back and gave him a smile. “It’s okay to be a mess, you know. And it’s okay to say so too. I’m just glad you are telling me about it so I can try to help.”

“Ernie can smell issues from far, far away. And let me tell you, even if you don’t tell him, he’ll know. I’ve stopped trying to lie to him about it.” He shrugged and smiled.

---

“I’ve stopped trying to lie to my friends,” Wayne admitted, really wanting the hug to have lasted longer. It felt good. Made the pressure in his chest lessen a little.

“Or, well. In general. But there are always lies you can’t escape, like you ate all the biscuits, there aren’t any biscuits left, no you can’t have another one.” Oh, god. Rhys.

“You know he turns eight on the 27th, and then they decide if I’m safe enough for him to be his guardian for two weekends a month instead of just one? Look at me, Justin. I’m a fucking car crash. I wouldn’t give me a kid. Why would they….” He drifted off, shaking his head and trying to breathe steadily. He wasn’t going to cry. If he started down that road, he’d never be able to turn back.

“I can’t keep thinking like that, but I can’t think about anything else.” Well. He could think about how much easier everything would be with one beer, or one shot, or one nice and rough shag.

Wayne busied himself by getting a glass from the counter and filling it with water, drinking it. That helped him swallow the lump in his throat.

“Oh. And the drugs. There’s that, too.”

----

He looked at Wayne as he talked, seemingly having a sort of meltdown that Justin was sure he could have seen coming. He walked over to him (well the three paces that were between them because of the glass of water) and grabbed his face with his hands. “Hey,” he said softly, making sure that Wayne looked at him. “I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

“And I’m not saying this because I want to manage and take over your life, but I am here for brainstorming and general.. Idea bouncing.” He said, giving Wayne a small smile. “What you need, is to make good impression to the social worker, right? Being clean and legal, yeah?” He asked softly.

“Maybe we could find you a good job, one that pays enough for you to.. save some money to move along in your life.” He didn’t want to push Wayne to accept his offers to help but he had to admit that giving him ideas to choose from were probably the way to go.

“Wayne, answer this though..” Justin sighed and held his gaze. “Do you feel like you can’t make decisions for yourself?” If that was the case, it only increased Wayne’s impression that he just couldn’t do it.

-----

Wayne was grateful for Justin trying to help, he really was. And he was trying to keep an open mind. But really, all he felt to be true was that he was doomed.

Do you feel like you can’t make decisions for yourself. He could feel his heart starting to race and his chest starting to ache and forced himself to take two deep breaths, in and out, before continuing.

“I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions for myself,” he said slowly. “I can’t stay sober just from my own power. I tried. I can barely keep myself together by myself. I can’t…” Another deep breath. God, this felt like walking on glass. “I am expected to do this alone. And I really, really can’t. I should be able to, but I can’t.”

Of course, all these different types of pressure were coming from the same reliable source, and it sounded trite as fucking hell, but that’s what it was.

----

Justin wrapped his arms around Wayne again and just said nothing for a while. “Then please let me help.” He said softly, ignoring the growing pounding in his chest. “You’ve got a lot coming on more than one front, Wayne.” He pulled back again and sighed. “Please, don’t shut me out and please, please, please don’t think that I’m trying to run your life for you, okay?” He asked.

“Do you want to see Rhys more?” He asked, gently brushing Wayne’s hair away from his face. “He’s a great kid and he cares about you.” Justin had also noticed how Rhys seemed to like the wizarding world. “I’d like to help you with that if that’s something you want. I’m not emotionally involved in the process, so I’m thinking clearly.” It was strategic and rational for Justin to look at the goals and find ways to get there.

--------

Wayne understood what Justin meant, but...what if Wayne wanted Justin to be emotionally involved?

No, Ernie was right. It might be what he wanted, but it wasn't what he needed, and it wasn't a good idea.

"I don't think you're trying to run my life for me," he insisted. "And yeah, I'm of course I want to see him more. I'm just not altogether sure that being around me is best for him. That's what good parents want, right? What's best for their children?"

It was a paradox. Knowing he wasn't a good dad was what made him a good dad.

Christ, his head hurt.

"What do you think they want to see? The courts, I mean. Social services." Whatever they wanted, he could probably fake it for long enough.

-----

Justin chewed on his lower lip for a moment. Thank Merlin Wayne seemed open to the idea of him giving him ideas about changes he could make here and there. “Well,” He still didn’t want to tell Wayne how to live his life though, so he went for suggestions. “First maybe a job that pays more so you can probably cut back on the not so legal aspect of your money making.” He said softly. “Landing in jail for it will not help you at all.”

“And maybe find a new place, something a little bigger or.. I don’t know..” He preferred not to offer him to move in with him again as he had already offered and been turned down. “The social services wants to see you clean up your life and be a good example for Rhys. That’s mostly what they want. They get no satisfaction keeping you away from him.”

He tilted his head and put his hand on Wayne’s shoulder. “I know it might seem like you’re stuck here and that you have no options. But you do and you are doing great already by simply wanting to make these changes, you know?” He said gently. “It’s a lot to be thinking of all at once, I know. And it’s overwhelming. But make one decision at a time. One step at a time, Wayne. First you decided to get sober and it’s fantastic, now.. now you just need to clean one area at a time, like a messy house.”