dorcas meadowes is with john dawlish (warrioress) wrote in find_horcruxes, @ 2009-10-09 18:57:00 |
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When Dorcas returned from her lunch break with Gideon at the Weasleys', she couldn't sit still. They used that half hour to just think of happy thoughts, but the depressing ones always came back afterwards. And the only distraction she could take was training, so training was exactly what she did, until she was close to exhaustion. Once again, John Dawlish was pushing the trainees hard. If it had anything to do with a dead Death Eater and his missing sister, she couldn't blame him. She could have been potentially dead as well. Oh, Florence... Dorcas wasn't even that close to her. They were in the same year and were prefects, that's all. Yet all what had happened yesterday had indeed shaken things up for everyone, including the Order, who had likely done more than they could for that family. Dorcas varied from being an optimist to pessimist. She had her confident moments and she had those during which she was close to throwing in the towel. This time, the chances of finding Florence alive, in her head, were very very slim. If they could find her body at all. When she caught Roland walking back to his cubicle, Dorcas called for him to fetch her some tea. This was likely the safest place for her to be, and she didn't trust herself to remain safe if she ventured away from the other trainees. But while he was gone, she caught sight of Dawlish heading back to his office and she suddenly remembered her conversation with Angus. Before Roland could return, she quickly followed Dawlish, closing the door behind her as she entered. Surprised by the sudden entrance, especially one so closely followed by the door closing, John Dawlish looked up with a furrowed brow. For someone to come flying into his office right behind him that way, there had to be trouble, and Merlin knew he had quite enough trouble already. As if he didn't have sufficient worries about his family and friends, now he had a traitor in the DMLE to add to his list, and-- Then he saw who it was that had entered his office, and his problems just got worse. Usually John Dawlish had no trouble at all respecting the policy that stated that senior Aurors were not to have romantic or sexual relationships with junior officers, and especially not with trainees. He generally thought of the trainees as kids, people who needed a firm hand and a lot of discipline to get them ready for the inevitably harsh real world of work as an Auror. Dorcas Meadowes, unfortunately for him, broke the mold. She was one of the best and brightest he'd ever seen, certainly the top of her class in this bunch. It wasn't just that, though; there was a seriousness of purpose to her, a maturity that he didn't usually see set in until after a few years of work in the field. And yet, in spite of that she hadn't lost her ability to laugh, and...well, she was incredibly physically attractive, as well. Which meant, of course, that he'd made a deliberate effort at distancing himself, and had been very, very careful not to allow any hint of impropriety between them. ...which she was making bloody difficult by charging into his office and shutting the door. It was on the tip of his tongue to cut her off with a "make it quick, Meadowes" when he finally registered the look on her face. It was an expression he'd never seen on her, some strange anxiousness that in the wake of current events was instantly troubling. "What's wrong?" he asked instead, because for it to have Dorcas Meadowes looking this worried, it had to be something serious. She could have sworn she had had what she wanted to say rehearsed in her mind at some point. She was pretty sure she had gone through it again just before entering that door but suddenly finding his attention on her erased it from her head. Shite. "I..." He tended to do that to her. At least when he hadn't been making biting comments at her training performance. In that case, she was always quick with a rebuttal that was usually along the lines of 'if you think I can't do it, watch me'. Damnit, Dorcas, you could do this. "Nothing," she started, stepping away from the door. Because standing there with her back to it like a deer in headlights wasn't going to get her anyway. "I wanted to talk to you about something." Blast it all, he had work to do. He had a lot of work to do, and he didn't have time to deal with Meadowes' emotional issues that he would find himself with a disturbing need to fix. The last thing he could do was get any more of an attachment to the girl than he already had, and the only way his situation with regard to her could become more uncomfortable was if she started taking some sort of sisterly (or worse yet daughterly) attitude toward him. Dawlish stepped back, leaning on the edge of his desk. "Go on, then." Maybe she'd spit it out, it would be something easy, and then he could get to the work of quickly banishing all inappropriate thoughts of Dorcas Meadowes from his mind. The last thing she ever wanted to be was sisterly or daughterly toward him. She figured there was a lot of work to be done and a part of her felt like a complete heel for thinking of herself after what happened to the Avery siblings, but it was a little too late to back out of this now. "You've, um, been a little distant. Like you're trying to avoid me. Why?" Damn it. Dawlish stood, turning back toward his desk to look for some vitally important paper or anything that would prevent him from having to look at her. He obviously couldn't explain that it was disconcerting and unpleasant to be falling hard for a woman who was a trainee at least ten years his junior, so he'd have to come up with something else. "I've done nothing of the kind," he dismissively replied. "You may have noticed that it's been a bit busy around here lately? I do actually have responsibilities beyond minding trainees." Dorcas expected something of that sort, she realized when she wasn't all too surprised with his reply. Of course, he wasn't going to throw everything out the metaphorical window to have a heart-to-heart with her. When he turned away from her, she stepped closer. "I know it is. That's not what I mean." Getting a little bolder, she took some more steps till she was right next to him and leaning on one hand against his desk as she faced him. "You know very well what I'm talking about." He knew. Of course he knew. The question was, how did she know, and did anyone else? He had been so careful, so deliberate in his effort to hide his feelings for her. He had been sure that no one would suspect a thing. But Dorcas had always been more observant than most. It was one of her more charming traits - or at least it was when it wasn't turned upon him. As the initial shock of her recognizing what he had so determinedly concealed began to wear off, Dawlish began to notice just how close Dorcas stood. She was uncomfortably close, invading his personal space with her warmth and her scent and the determined look in her eyes. It was the same look she got when she had a challenge in her training, and if there was one thing he knew about Dorcas Meadowes, it was that she never backed down from a challenge. That was why he didn't argue with her: if he argued, she'd fight back with all she had, and he'd never stand a chance. He had to try another tactic. "I've been avoiding you for your own good," he quietly replied, but though he should have stepped away from her, he didn't. If this would be his last chance to stand so close to her, he would enjoy it for all the terrible discomfort and thrill it was worth. "And for mine. Clearly I've not been doing a good enough job of it." Okay. She had expected arguing. So his words caught her off guard. Dorcas was blinking up at him in surprise before she realized it, and then quickly masked it with a face of determination. "For our own good... Dawlish, I..." She couldn't exactly tell him that every second she had was precious to her now after being outted as a vigilante. "Don't think it's doing either of us any good if we're avoiding what we're feeling." "I'm too old for you, a superior officer, and an arrogant bastard on top of it all," Dawlish said firmly. So much for not arguing with her, since apparently she was going to refuse to be reasonable about this. "If we were to act on any feelings we might have, it would be putting both our rather promising careers at risk, and for what?" he pointed out. "For an affair that would have to remain entirely secret and that would undoubtedly end badly once you realize that I'm not nearly as interesting as I look from a distance." Dorcas was silent for a moment and then stepped back again. She didn't leave though. Instead, she took that pause to figure out what to say next. So it was all out in the open now. And it hadn't exactly ended on a bad note, but a girl had her wishes. If it had gone her way, they'd be indulging themselves in that happily secret affair, then come out to it with everyone later and nobody would have any objection to it. Fantasy world, completely. "Is that what you tell yourself too?" she asked, circling around the desk to the other side. Even if he was shuffling papers on his desk, if he looked up, he'd have to look at her. "Well, you're right on all three accounts, yes, but is that what you think of to convince yourself avoiding me is okay?" Avoiding her wasn't just okay, it was the only feasible option. How could she not see that? Why did she have to make it so bloody difficult? He had worked very hard at convincing himself that coming anywhere near her was a bad idea, and now she was using that tone that made it sound like he was the crazy one in this business. Dawlish looked up, ready to snap at her, and promptly discovered that letting his eyes meet hers had been a mistake. There was so much determination and passion there, everything he loved about her and had tried so hard not to even allow himself to notice. When he saw all that, he couldn't just brush her off brusquely. "There are reasons for the policy against relationships between Aurors and trainees, Meadowes," he said quietly, and finally he let his guard down enough that she would see exactly how much he did care: much too much. "It's not arbitrary. Aurors cannot be more concerned about protecting each other than protecting the public, for one. For another, I'd almost certainly come down twice as hard on you than I do on the others in an effort to avoid showing any favoritism. It's very, very difficult - nearly impossible - to separate a working relationship from a personal one, and one or the other always ends up suffering when they are combined. This work is too important to allow it to be compromised." "You mean harder than you already do? Dawlish, I've handed two years of it so far, I think I can handle it for a little while longer." And she was only going to be a trainee for another year. She was almost there. Bringing up the training made her feel the exhaustion from all she had done previously. And the fact that Ro was supposed to get her tea slipped her mind. Dorcas stepped toward the chair behind the desk and lowered herself into it. "This job means just as much to me too. I just am having a hard time with being unable to do anything with you." Because Merlin knew what she wanted to do with him and how much of it. "I fancy you. A lot. Arrogant bastard or not." If it had only been a fancy on his part, Dawlish might have had the strength of will to order her out of his office. She would have been sad about it, but it wasn't as if he'd never had to firmly put down a trainee's crush on him before. There had even been some before who he might have found very attractive under other circumstances. His feelings for Dorcas, however, were not so easily brushed aside as a simply fancying or even lust might have been, and he had months of repression to contend with. "You're out of your mind," he informed her. "Or if you're not, pursuing any kind of relationship with me would certainly drive you out of it." Merlin, what was he thinking? Perhaps he was the mad one here. He was actually beginning to allow for the possibility of the two of them getting mixed up with each other, which was obviously an extremely bad idea. An incredibly bad idea. An incredibly, increasingly attractive bad idea. Dorcas gave him a measuring look and couldn't help the small smirk that came to her lips. "Two years. I think I've managed to take the time to get to know you, one way or another. Do you really believe I can't handle this? Or that it won't stay under wraps? Try me, Auror Dawlish." Secrets were one thing she could keep. She wouldn't have been in the Order if she couldn't. "I don't doubt your ability to keep anything quiet," Dawlish allowed. "But I have a difficult enough time keeping my sense of perspective where you are concerned as it is. In all likelihood, it would end extremely badly." He knew that, and yet his gaze shifted momentarily to the teasing curve of her lips and he could almost taste her already. Would it be so very bad to for once in his life take a chance he hadn't planned extensively for? After all, he was the older, wiser, more experienced party here, but she was also an adult. It wasn't as if she was a first year trainee with no idea what she was doing. She had less than a year remaining in her training now. If he saw to having her transferred off of his squad and onto Moody's or McKinnon's, some of the potential difficulty could be minimized. Then it was just a matter of making sure she wasn't on his team when her training was complete, in the unlikely event that they hadn't blown up spectacularly by then. Already he was, in typical Dawlish fashion, planning - which meant that whether he was admitting it to himself yet or not, his decision had already been made. Dorcas had half a mind to tell him that if this all did blow up in their faces, he could fire her, just to show he had enough confidence in this not to mess up. Except if he did, he'd still have to answer to Crouch Sr. or anyone as to why. And that would be just as detrimental to his career. She stood up from the chair, and came around the desk again, standing next to him. She didn't know how long she could keep this up without having Roland panick and ask around the entire DMLE where the hell she went. If he was as smart as she assumed, he wouldn't cause the unnecessary commotion. "If this doesn't, then I'm sure you have power to see fit that we never have to run into each other. But I wouldn't be standing here talking to my superior in this manner if I didn't think it would." She was right about the first part, at least. Transfers were easily enough accomplished. Worst case scenario, he could request that he be banished to the satellite offices in Edinburgh or Dublin for a year or so. "We'd have to set very firm ground rules first thing," Dawlish warned her. Some lines absolutely could not be crossed, no matter what. "With rule number one being that absolutely no one in this office can find out." Dorcas raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not stupid..." "And rule number two being that in this building, I'm Auror Dawlish and you're Trainee Meadowes, and outside of it we're John and Dorcas," he went on, cutting her off in a tone not so hard as the one he'd first used. "Two separate worlds that do not connect for any reason." "Yes, sir." She nodded, giving him a small smile. And it was going to stay small. No goofy grin, no giggling, though Dorcas rarely giggled. There was still that small urge to do so but it would have been better to keep it bottled in. This was insane. This was completely and utterly mad. It was without a doubt the absolute worst decision he had ever made in his entire career. Why, then, did he feel lighter having made it than he had in months? "Then I'll see you after shift tonight," he said, just barely giving a ghost of a smile in return. "We can work out details by journal. Now get back to work." Dorcas nodded stepping back away and heading for the door. "See you then," she said before slipping back out. End of the shift was not too far anyhow, so she had to go back to her cubicle to get some of her work done. When she reached it, Ro had been reclining in her chair with her tea on her desk. "Where did you go?" he asked, getting up and handing it over to her. Dorcas smiled gratefully, and took it from him, cradling it in her hands. Not about to tell him the truth for obvious reasons, she gave him one that he accepted without anymore questions. "Just to get a bit of therapy." |