InsaneJournal

Sometimes Severus just felt utterly unintelligent and wondered if it might not have been just as fitting for him to end up in Gryffindor; The only problem with that was that he definitely lacked brawn as well as brains which didn't make him a very good Gryffindor either. He was afraid he'd said more than he ought to have to Lily. Sure he'd kept everything in hypotheticals, maybe this, possibly that, but Lily didn't lack brains (why in Merlin's name had she been in Gryffindor?) and she could possibly put pieces together. Of course, if she was a vigilante, maybe she did lack brains - unless it was all Potter's fault. And Severus would like to blame everything in the world on Potter, as unlikely as the reality was.

He closed his journal and put it to the side. One thing he was fairly certain of - the Statute of Secrecy was good. Full stop. He had a hard time imagining a world where Muggles knew about them. They'd want to study things and demand things of wizards and witches - and honestly one didn't need to be a Purist to understand it was good, he thought. He wasn't certain what world Lily was living in that she thought the larger majority of Muggles would be all right with witchcraft and wizardry. Just because her family had been - and her family hadn't even been when one brought Petunia into the mix. He slid off the bed and made his way downstairs where he could hear his Mother in the kitchen. He stepped through the small living area and into the kitchen and hovered in the doorway for a minute.

"Do you need help?"

Eileen was surprisingly at peace with her world of late. Things were certainly far better than they'd been a scant year ago and though she carried a certain amount of guilt around with her, mostly it was guilt she could live with. Or at least cope with and in the case of her son, try and rectify. Certainly she felt no guilt for the quiet and calm house she now lived in. He felt regret, even remorse on occasion but sometimes there came a time when once had to weigh up what was more important and make a decision. Sometimes those decisions involved difficult things but if it was logical and if it was right, then it must be done. They'd talked of such things in the common room more than once when she was a student. She'd never quite expected to be faced with such a situation though.

She hummed quietly to herself as she prepared dinner, her wand wafting elegantly through the motions that sent vegetables flying around to be washed, scraped and cut up. Far easier than doing it by hand though woe betide her if Tobias had ever caught her using magic to make his meal. She'd never been able to break through his antipathy to that despite the fact it made no earthly difference to the end result. Or at least none that Tobias had ever noticed. Those nights when he'd come home late from the pub had been... interesting if one cared to use a broad definition of the word 'interesting'.

She gave a small start when Severus spoke, not having heard him come down the stairs, then smiled at him. "Not really but stay and talk. We've barely seen each other of late what with both our jobs. How's Caiomhe?"

That was true, Severus thought, still not quite used to the sight of his mother using magic to make dinner. It had certainly never happened any moment that his Father had been around, and that had been more often than not in the last few years before his death. He felt a little guilty about not helping, but he stepped over to the table and slid it out to take a seat. It was also likely that he would see her even less with this new job for Bones -- assuming that Monday's interview went well, of course -- and Severus didn't regret the opportunity but he was certain his free time was going to drop dramatically. Bones didn't seem like the sort that would allow for goofing off.

"She's better, I think," he said simply. "She's back at work now, so that's good. It's definitely more like normal." But Remus had been gone for the past couple of days which had been less normal, even though a brief few weeks before he'd been grateful for those long months when Lupin had been completely gone. "Although I feel like I should knock on wood when I say that - it's like there's something new every week."

He lapsed into quiet after that statement uncertain of what to say next. There were simply so many things on his mind that he had no idea what to share with his Mum and what not. And recently, outside of Lily - whom he really shouldn't be sharing anything with - he felt as if he'd had no conversations of any depth with anyone. thoughts of Caoimhe brought thoughts of the hitwizard she was dating, and Severus wondered what it would have been like to have had a father that was an actual wizard. Someone who didn't think magic made you some sort of a freak -- a belief that Severus firmly discounted, and yet had probably done more damage to his self-esteem than he would care to admit -- but someone who could have actually taught him magical things. "What about the DMLE?" he asked finally, returning the work question to his mother.

"That's good to hear," Eileen said with genuine feeling. That attack had been rather horrifying. That werewolves would attack people right there in Diagon Alley seemed almost impossible but then of course there was what had happened to that poor Dobbs man as well as the vampire Emmerdale. It seemed Diagon Alley... and Knockturn... were now becoming some sort of target area. It made her a bit nervous but then she'd remember that she was a witch and this was her world and she'd be damned if she was going to let a bunch of hooligans scare her away. She'd just be careful.

"Mayhem," she said with amusement. "But I'm coming to realise that's more or less the normal state of affairs. It's been a bit worse lately of course. Guy Dobbs and the vampire and all." She paused and sighed. "Poor Hope. Such a lovely girl and to have that happen to her brother. Ghastly. I know the man was a bit off colour with his reporting but it hardly warranted that sort of treatment. It's barbaric!"

The Death Eaters irritated her in ways that she suspected were somewhat unique to either her or perhaps to Ravenclaws. They offended her because they were such hypocrites! She snorted and a couple of potatoes came close to bouncing out of the pot she had just put them in. Water splashed on the stove causing the flame to hiss. "Those Death Eaters would be the first to whine and complain if one of theirs was killed and yet at the same time they think it's perfectly acceptable to kill others." She snorted again but didn't lose control of any vegetables this time. "The Aurors will get them though. I know they will. They found out the truth about Barty." That still shook her. He'd seemed like such a lovely young man. "They'll find the others."

She chuckled. "Listen to me. Anyone would think I was one of them."

Uncomfortable did not even begin to cover it, Severus thought as he glanced down at his hands in front of him. He didn't really care much about the vampire, and he'd been pretty angry at Dobbs' report following the Black's death, but the way Dobbs had looked in Diagon had certainly made him uncomfortable. It had been ugly, and it had been - well... someone had enjoyed it, and that bothered Severus as much or more than Dobbs death in the first place.

He'd never stopped to think about what his mother would think about him joining the group. At the time she'd been so disconnected from the Wizarding World - hardly even reading the Daily Prophet on any sort of regular basis that the two worlds, his family, and the Death Eaters, seemed completely unrelated. Now though, they weren't. And since she was working in the DMLE, obviously she'd be biased towards not liking the Death Eaters. Although Severus wasn't certain he was comfortable with things that were happening anymore. Working with werewolves, or even aligning himself with a group that did, was hardly what he thought he'd signed up for. He didn't know what to say to her comments though, because while he might be able to defend the occasional idea, he wasn't certain he could defend a the group - he wasn't certain he could defend his own reasons anymore. All of his conversation with Lily had only further revealed what he'd already begun to suspect - he had no idea why he'd become a Death Eater except that he'd felt needed there. He'd felt like he could do something in the group, maybe even rise up and make a difference.

...this had not been the difference that he'd wanted to make.

"Yeah I'm sure they will find them," he said finally, noncommittally in some ways, because he didn't want to think about what would happen if he got caught. He didn't think he'd be able to look his Mother in the eye in that scenario. "And hopefully the damn werewolves too," he added. It wasn't as if the two weren't related, but at least he wasn't - fortunately - a werewolf, so it was slightly less uncomfortable than talk of Death Eaters were.

Eileen noted her son's silence on the issue and the noncommittal answers he finally gave. She suspected it was because of his friends. Many were purebloods, not surprising given he'd been in Slytherin, and she wondered if any of them were also Death Eaters. No, surely not. They were too young, especially to be making decisions like that. Possibly their families were involved though. Severus must feel some conflicting loyalties though he could hardly know what they were doing. It didn't seem like the sort of thing someone would discuss in front of their children, let alone a friend of their children.

Though then again, look at Barty. How many people had thought he was lovely and he turned out to be not only a Death Eater but also a murderer and a rather frightening one at that.

"Enough of that," she said with a shiver. "Let's talk about something else, shall we? I get enough of the grim talk at work. What else has been going on with you? There must be something more than work."

"Or just reading the Prophet," Severus said dryly, but he was perfectly happy to change the topic. But of course what that topic was to be changed to he really didn't know. Mostly what he'd been doing outside of work involved practise for the Death Eaters, and studying, and talking with Remus and Lily. Remus he wasn't even going to begin to touch because he wasn't quite certain what was even going on there, and Lily was almost always a slightly painful topic.

"Studying, I guess," he said finally. "Lots of stuff for Master Jigger, and just thinking a lot," and he had certainly been thinking quite a bit and about things that he wasn't certain he wanted to share with his Mum. But on the other hand, his conversation with Lily had reminded him that he had questions that he didn't have answers too.

"Mum? Can I-" he picked at a hang nail on his finger and hesitated for a minute. He wasn't even certain he wanted to know. But after all of Lily's seemingly absolute belief that 'love' could make any relationship work despite its differences, he couldn't help but wonder. And he'd never -- well the pieces of his parents relationship that he'd observed seemed to be nothing like what he felt love should be like. "Did you love Dad?" The words tumbled out over each other, with very little in the way of pauses between them. He wasn't certain it was something he should ask, and he wasn't certain if his Mother would want to answer. Tobias Snape had certainly never given them anything, but he couldn't help wondering why she'd married a Muggle - surely she'd had other options. She was talented, and she surely would have been able to find someone other than a muggle.

Eileen sighed at the question. In truth, it wasn't that much of a surprise though she'd been expecting something far more accusatory than what had just been asked. In fact the question itself was not entirely what she expected. Did you love Dad? Not Why did you marry Dad? or Why did you stay with Dad? but did she love him. She finished up the dinner preparations and set everything to simmer. She pulled out the chair opposite to Severus then sat down and sighed again.

"Yes," she said simply even though the answer was far from simple. "It's... not a simple thing to explain. I am a pureblood. A first generation pureblood but a pureblood nonetheless. I was meant to be a boy and to be the founding father of the pureblood Prince family." Her small smile was bitter. "That I was a girl was a disappointment for my father, especially when no sons were forthcoming after me. He might have forgiven me for being a girl if he'd had a son." She was silent for a moment, a distant look in her eyes. "My father was... not a kind or loving man. He was dour and stern and harsh. Mother was..." A sneer flitted over her face briefly. "... a doormat. A weak simpering woman who hung on Father's arm and agreed with him, no matter what."

She fell silent again for a moment. "When I met your father, he... well, he wasn't like what you knew. He wasn't like anything I knew. He certainly wasn't like any of the prissy, pompous pureblood boys I knew." A slow, rather coquettish smile curved her lips as she remembered those days. "He was quite the charmer and he had this little wicked smile that made me laugh. He was romantic and even a little brash. He was... very easy to fall in love with." She sighed heavily and for the first time met Severus' eyes. "It was easy to ignore his flaws though they weren't that bad at first. We had our rough times but by and large we were happy. Even happier when I found out I was pregnant." She hesitated for a long moment. She wasn't sure she should tell him this but he wasn't stupid. He'd likely figure it out anyway. "Things didn't turn bad until you showed signs of magic. I was delighted. Your father... less so."

She shook her head. "But I'm getting sidetracked. I loved Tobias but then I found that love doesn't solve everything and you can only work on a relationship if both sides are willing." Her expression became grim. "I also found that love... can die, especially when it's replaced by another love."

Of course, why was the next question on Severus' lips. Because why you would marry a Muggle when you were magical, was something he wasn't certain he could understand. He listened though, turning over everything in his mind and running it against what he remembered of his father. Granted, it was hard to think of his Father being a romantic, or someone who was charming - and for half a second Severus wondered why, if he had to have a Muggle father, he couldn't have gotten just a few of those charming genes. It might have made life a little bit easier.

He knew enough to know that his magic had always been a source of contention in his parents marriage. He knew enough to know that his father had hated it, had wanted Severus to pretend to be Muggle, and so it wasn't difficult to believe what his mother was saying - that things had been decent until his father's son had been different from what he had expected. Which was what he'd been trying to tell Lily, but he wasn't certain she understood that. The differences between magical and muggle - whether or not one thought one was better than the other - were differences and they could be unnerving and difficult to understand, and perhaps more so for Muggles, Severus thought, than for Wizards, although he'd had enough conversations with pureblood wizards to know that they could be bewildered as well.

The why, then, was somewhat answered - at one point his parents had been in love, but love hadn't been enough for them, which, Severus thought again - vaguely bitterly - was what he'd been trying to explain to Lily. She'd sat with one leg in the two worlds, but she hadn't done so in the same way that Severus had. He pressed his lips together, trying to figure out now what to ask next or what to say. "It didn't worry you?" He asked finally. "I mean, he was a Muggle - and you were a pureblood - that wasn't..." he didn't know really how to ask it in a way that didn't seem utterly offensive and potentially upsetting to his mother. "Why? I mean, obviously you loved him, but - I just... he hated magic. He hated everything about it - at least it always seemed like he did." There were times Severus didn't think he understood his mother, but he understood her far more than he understood his father. The man had always been someone he couldn't quite fathom - someone who would criticize and yell and someone who should be avoided at all costs.

She picked at a small blob of wax on the table, probably from her candle the previous night. The house was wired for electricity but now that she and Severus were using more magic around the place, the supply was getting a little eccentric. Candles were more reliable if not quite as bright. "I'm mature enough to admit that the fact he was a Muggle was part of the attraction," she said ruefully. "Father was the ghastly social climber I've ever seen and he was as bad a purist as those Death Eaters appear to be. In fact..." She frowned. "I don't even know if he's still alive - the last owl I sent to them when you were born came back unopened - but if he is, there's probably a fair chance he's one of them. Or at least supports them. I hated that attitude. I was a Ravenclaw. I like logic and sense and the idea of being prejudiced based on something as emphemeral as blood seemed nothing short of idiotic."

She smiled, a little bitterly, a little wryly. "Tobias... well, I didn't even consider the fact that Tobias was a Muggle after the first thrill of being in the Muggle world though I'm sure Father thought I was just doing everything to spite him. Tobias was... everything the men I'd met in the wizarding world were not. Probably because most of the men I'd met in the wizarding world outside of school were inbred, insipid purebloods." She grimaced. "And... he didn't hate magic. He was indifferent to it at first. It was never the magic he hated per se. It was the fact he didn't have it and we did. It was the fact we could disappear into a world he couldn't access. We had something he could never, never have. We would always be separate from him, no matter what any of us did. He didn't hate magic, he was frightened of it and what it might mean for him. That one day he might be alone because we'd get bored and go back to the wizarding world. That one day I'd consider him inferior and hurt him. The only way he could express that fear was through hatred and anger."

The fact that Tobias had been proven right was... saddening really. Not that she'd considered him inferior but she had considered him a threat to that which she had come to love more than she had ever loved him.

Severus realised that really, what his mother was saying was what he'd been trying to say to Lily. Magical abilities weren't the same as being good with art, or being able to fly a Muggle airplane - and perhaps there was some relationship somewhere that could manage it. Where the confidence might be enough that it wouldn't matter, but Severus wasn't certain of it at all. He was quiet as he turned over everything his mother had told him. He hadn't heard of anyone named Prince in the Death Eater circles, which probably didn't actually mean they weren't there, but it was more likely, he supposed, that they were dead. He wondered if his Grandfather would have been proud of his halfblood grandson despite the Muggle blood that he would no doubt have seen as a taint. Perhaps not. There would have been an irony in that - too Wizard to get any praise from his father and too Muggle to get any praise from his Grandfather. He swallowed.

"I think that's what I was trying to tell Lily," he said finally. "You just put it all a lot better than I did and maybe you understand it better than I do. I was trying to tell her that, well... really what you just said. She said love would be enough," he pressed his lips together frustrated at the typical 'you don't understand love' that he seemed to get from Lily consistently. "Apparently since I supposedly haven't been in love, I can't understand. As if she'd know whether or not I have been," he added with a bit more bitterness than he'd intended.

"Why did you stay, Mum? Why didn't -" we leave. However hard it might have been in the Wizarding world, Severus couldn't help but feel as if it would have had to have been better than life with his father had been. He shrugged as if to excuse the fact that he'd lost the last half of his sentence entirely.

Eileens smiled slightly. So that was what had prompted this. It did explain the nature of the original question. She wondered how they had gotten onto that topic and more importantly why. She raised an eyebrow and looked at her son. "There are none so blind as those who will not see," she murmured. "Of course you know what love is. You've loved Lily since you were both children." She had no idea if her son still loved the girl or what form that love took but she rather thought his reaction would tell her all she needed to know. "But Lily is young and she is a Gryffindor. While I try not to ascribe entirely to House prejudices, people get sorted into them for a reason. Gryffindors tend to be idealistic. It's where they get all that nobility and rashness from. Idealism says that love solves everything, good will always prevail over evil and the sun will always come up tomorrow." Her expression become one of dry irony. "While that last one is true, the other two are not. Lily has yet to grasp that the world is not made up of black and white, good and evil, right and wrong but is instead made up of a thousand shades of grey. Even the worst monster can have some goodness in them. Look at Barty Crouch Jr as an example if you will."

Her shoulders sagged a little as she sighed. "I... we... stayed because there was nothing else. My family had disowned me. I had no money of my own. I had some skills but I also had a baby. How could I have paid the rent, the bills, bought food and paid someone to look after you while I was working? We might have been able to survive but it would have been only that - survival. Not living. I'm not even sure I would have been able to afford to send you to Hogwarts on my own." She straightened slightly and some of the ironclad resolve she'd used to get through the years showed. Perhaps it was time that Severus knew the truth of what had been going on under his own nose when he was too young to really read all the undercurrents and nuances. "Here... well, here we had a comfortable if not large house and we had money. I developed ways of dealing with your father, of directing his attention to me and keeping it away from you as much as possible. That's why I encouraged you to go out as much as I could without attracting attention. Things weren't easy but they were manageable."

Severus winced slightly as his mother's words an instantaneous desire to say no, of course he didn't, rising to the surface, but he wasn't certain what point it served with his mother. He could deny it with Regulus because it was dangerous for another Death Eater to know the truth, he could deny it with Lupin because the truth was entirely too humiliating to consider, and of course he would never even mention it to Lily, but he wasn't certain he'd fool his Mother even if he did deny it and he didn't know if he cared anymore. It was true, after all. As much as he could deny it to everyone, including himself, it didn't make it any less true. "She's married Mum," he reminded his mother, as if the statement would mean anything. As if her being married automatically precluded him loving her at all. It was nothing but a distraction from the actual point and the very real pain that came from knowing she'd never feel the same way about him. "I'm not convinced Slytherins aren't a bit idealistic as well," he said with a tiny smile. "We just learn faster that there's not much point and it turns us into cynics instead." It would be nice to believe that love could solve everything, but in Severus' experience, love seemed to cause more problems than solve them.

Manageable. He supposed they were manageable. And of course he hadn't thought about the fact that his father had provided them with some money - precious little though it might be. Magic was not the answer to everything, after all, and he was very thankful that he'd had Hogwarts. And as much as he'd tried to protect her, she'd been trying to protect him? He chewed on his lower lip, glancing down at the top of the table as if it were incredibly fascinating. "I can't imagine having not gone to Hogwarts," he said finally. He knew how badly his parents had fought over that -- he'd just never thought about his being able to go being dependent upon them staying here with his father.

So he did love her and love her as well more than a friend. Eileen wanted to wrap him up in a hug but he would never accept that from her. Her poor baby. Love that bloomed then died a hard death like hers had was bad enough. The pain she'd felt when she'd realised that it was never going to be what she'd wanted had been terrible. But to love and not have it returned? She felt that must be worse. She let the subject drop. There was no point salting a wound like that for no good reason.

"I wanted you to go there," she said. "I knew from the first time you started asking questions about why something worked that you were smart. To deny you Hogwarts would have been a crime." One of the pots on the stove hissed and she got up and set things to rights again. No need to burn dinner just because a long overdue conversation was finally taking place. She returned to the table and sat down again. "It was, I believe, the first thing I truly put my foot down about with your father and in retrospect I believe it was when our relationship finally broke irrevocably." After that it was just a series of skirmishes that lessened while Severus was away and increased when he came home for the holidays. "Prior to that I had been more subtle about getting my way and I had never done anything he might deem to be threatening. But he got quite recalcitrant about Hogwarts and I was forced onto the offensive."

That was perhaps a little more than Severus had needed to know about things but Eileen had slipped a little back into the person she'd been at school - much more honest than she'd become because she hadn't learned that silence, subtlety and lies were useful. Perhaps it was no wonder Severus had ended up in Slytherin!

"I'm glad you did," he said with a smallish smile, although he felt, as ever, a bit guilty that it had been such a cause of contention between his parents. But Hogwarts had been everything. Outside of all of the really bad things that had happened at Hogwarts - and he could hardly say that every moment had been what he'd thought it would be when he was a small boy - but it still had given him a lot. He'd learned and grown, and the fact that he'd been able to do so outside of the shadow of his Father had probably been a good thing. "I can't really imagine having just gone to Muggle schools." And Severus was certain that if he had gone to Muggle schools, he would have been as in and out of them as he'd been during primary school. He might not be happy with where he was, but he was certain it was better than where he could have been.

"I'm sorry, Mum," he added. "I'm just-" he leaned forward onto the table trying to seek out his words carefully. "I feel like I don't know what I believe about anything anymore. I don't know what I want." And did it matter what he wanted? Right now he was stuck in the Death Eaters, and even if he wanted something different now, there wouldn't be any way to pursue that. And it was possibly a lie to say he didn't know what he wanted - he did - but if he couldn't have that and it had been clear to him for way too long now that he couldn't have that, then what could he have? "I'm just, and when I think I know something, Lily, and sometimes other people just-" He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair shrugging with frustration. "I just don't know."

"It wouldn't have gone well," she said with a grimace. "If nothing else you needed to learn to control your magic and you could not have done that in a Muggle school. Things would have gotten worse than they were when you were at primary school." She'd disliked the idea of sending him to that Muggle school anyway. She would have much preferred to educate him at home for that early learning so she could have taught him all the wizarding traditions. The only reason she'd relented was because it got him out of the house and away from Tobias.

"Severus..." She broke off and frowned with frustration. She started to say something then cut herself off again before trying for a third time. "I hardly know how to advise you. I could say that not knowing what you want is normal for your age but I feel like that's not worth much." She sighed and rested her arms on the table. "I know I haven't been there for you over the years, Severus. It wasn't that I didn't care or that I didn't love you. It was because I was trying to protect you. It seems almost worthless now when you won't even trust me with what's wrong. When all you give me are oblique statements and cryptic comments. I know I'm not much of a mother but I do love you. Nothing could ever change that. I want to help you now that I have the freedom to do so." She reached out for his hand. "Won't you trust me?"

Severus knew his mother was right. Wasn't that, after all, one of the main reasons they were working on the First Impression project - so Magical children wouldn't have to be afraid if they couldn't control their magic until Hogwarts? He looked down at his mother's hand on his and was quiet. There was a part of him that longed to do so. To tell her every single thing that was frustrating him, to ask her advice, to just - have someone that was biased in his favour looking at his problems and trying to help him. But he knew that he couldn't. Her comments earlier about the Death Eaters were enough to rule out any possibility of speaking with her about any of those things - not that it would have been safe for her or for him to have done so anyway. But maybe some things - things that weren't related to the Death Eaters. Although that meant he'd never be able to talk to her about what he was most worried about. He chewed on his lower lip in silence.

"It's not true, you are a good Mum," he said finally, raising his eyes cautiously. "I've never thought you were anything but a good mother," and although sometimes he'd wondered why they'd stayed, why she'd married a Muggle, why this, or why that and sometimes he'd even been angry about it, but in the end, she was his mother and she was a brilliant witch, and that was, as far as Severus was concerned, all that mattered.

"And," he hesitated, it felt almost odd to even say anything, but then again everything in his life felt odd these days. "I love you too," he said, although the words came out more mumbled and they felt weird to say - rusty maybe. "And I'll try, I guess," he bit down on his lower lip again, and shrugged. "I don't know that- Well... I'll try."

And yet even as he made the promise he wasn't certain that he could keep it. There were just too many things he could never tell her - even if he hadn't been suddenly afraid that it'd disappoint her terribly - and he very much was afraid of that and he didn't want to disappoint her. But somehow it seemed as if everything he didn't want was precisely what he got and he pushed his hands to his cheeks, using the excuse of pushing back his hair to wipe moisture from his eyes at the same time. Was it even possible to make something this big right? Would it even be possible to avoid making future mistakes? He didn't know who to ask. None of his Death Eater friends could help him - they'd only get him into trouble. He couldn't admit something like this to Lily - she'd probably turn him into the DMLE for his 'own good' and get him killed or in Azkaban with Barty. He couldn't ask his mother, no matter that she was saying to trust her, and there was no one else. He looked up, managing a half smile as he did so.

She actually felt herself tear up a little when he said she was a good mother. She didn't really believe it but it was at least good to hear that Severus had faith in her, no matter how much she doubted herself and this path she was taking. It was harder than she thought, this being independent thing. When Tobias was here, she knew what to do. Now she had to make it up as she went along and it was difficult sometimes. She wasn't surprised no one had really picked up on it. She spent years fooling Tobias and playing various roles, why should playing competent and confident be any different?

She smiled at his slow hesitant 'I love you' though part of her wanted to weep as well. This is what she and Tobias had done to their son. Created this defensive, walled off young man who found it so difficult to trust and thought so poorly of himself. She wanted to change that though she didn't have the first clue where to start. Right now she just wished she knew what to say to actually make him talk to her. There was a tiny thread of thought that suggested that telling him what she'd done might well work but no, she couldn't do that to him. She couldn't put him in a position where he was covering up for his own mother.

Though... it wasn't like it was possible to prove it anymore. Even if the DMLE exhumed Tobias' body, the potion would have degraded too far to be identifiable even with magic. She hadn't been prepared to take any chances.

"You might be surprised what I'd understand," she said, hoping she did actually mean that and that Severus wasn't going to one day throw something at her that she couldn't wrap her mind around. "I'm no saint after all."

Severus looked up at her and shrugged, a tiny grin playing at his mouth. "Course you are, You're St Mum Eileen Prince Snape, obviously." But even as he made the joke he wondered if she really would. He knew his mother wasn't a saint, and of course he certainly wasn't one, but would she understand why he'd joined the Death Eaters? He wasn't even certain he understood why he'd joined them and at the moment he rather wished that he hadn't. He wanted her to be happy, so much. He wanted things to be happy, and the only solace he could take was that they seemed better at least.

"I shouldn't have these conversations with Lily," he admitted quietly. "We almost never see eye to eye on these sorts of things, and frequently that means we end up yelling at each other, even if I'm bound and determined that we won't. We didn't this time though," he frowned slightly because he had no idea why not. He'd said things he'd been certain would make her angry, and she hadn't seemed to be bothered by them at all - or if she had, she'd covered it. "I guess that's something. I wish-" but it was a pointless wish, he realised and he shrugged and trailed off before making it. Nothing would change anything between him and Lily. Certainly not by him wishing it - wishes were things for fairy tales and people other than him. If anything him making the wish seemed to ensure that it wouldn't come true.

Eileen laughed. "Rowena, that's a mouthful." It was somewhat strange hearing that 'Prince' in there. It had been so long since she'd used her maiden name and even now she had no intention of going back to it. The Princes had disowned her for marrying Tobias. True, they had been slightly right in that he wasn't good enough for her but disowning her had seemed to be going too far then and still did now. Besides, with Tobias dead, she and Severus now had a chance to make what they wanted with the name.

"There's no rule that says friends have to agree on everything," she said with a small smile. "In fact, I think it would be rather boring if you always agreed on everything. There'd be no surprises or interest left." She suddenly giggled and covered her mouth with one hand, her eyes dancing with mirth. "In fact I remember something a friend of mine one said in one of the last owls we exchanged back when you were little. She's a Muggleborn and she'd been watching something called a..." She hesitated and frowned as she tried to remember the word. "... teevee show, I think she called it. It was called Star Tread or something odd like that. Anyway, there was a line one of the characters said that she liked. 'I rejoice in our differences.' It's a rather good thought, isn't it?" Her voice turned rather dry. "Certainly there are people in our society that could do with embracing it."

Severus couldn't quite help but grin at his mother. It was nice to hear her laugh. Merlin only knew she'd had very little reason to laugh when he was a boy and even though he understood why she'd done what she'd done - at least he thought he understood it better than he might have before - he still hated that she'd had so little happiness. That they both had and he realised he was determined to change that. If the world fell apart around them, fine, let it. He was going to keep his Mum safe, and he was going to make certain she was a little happy. And if that meant he kept secrets, then he kept them, and he'd do so to protect her.

"It seems almost naive, so few people do it." He sighed slightly. It wasn't even so much that he and Lily disagreed on things, as it was just - well, Lily. In this case he wouldn't even mind if they differed in opinions if she were single, if she were a possibility, if she hadn't married the one person in the world (well, one of two, really because Sirius Black would have been no better) that Severus absolutely could not stand. It was difficult to wrap his mind around the idea that there was anything resembling love between her and Potter and even more so that if there was, there was any likelihood of Lily and him having any real similarities. "But it's a good thought," he said quietly, giving her a quick smile.

Eileen chuckled and sat back. "Well, it's easier said than done, isn't it? We're all packed with differing prejudices and biases and overcoming them is difficult. Most people never try. That's why you get people like those Death Eaters. They've been brought up that Muggles and the Muggleborn are nothing short of animals and it's too difficult or confronting for them to even think about changing their minds. They're inherently lazy and cowards. It takes strength and courage to admit to yourself and others 'I was wrong'."

Hadn't her own father done his best to raise her with all of those very same prejudices. She'd tossed them aside though she'd never really claim she was being brave when she did so. Mostly it was love and rebellion and then it was simply discovering that Muggles weren't really all that different and that doing things the Muggle way really wasn't that difficult. That in some ways, Muggles were more sophisticated than wizards and witches were. She wondered how much of the Death Eaters philosophy was based in fear that they might be found to be inadequate.

Severus had to bite back the automatic defensive response that rose up at her statements about Death Eaters. She didn't know, after all, but as he glanced down at his hands the thought ran through his mind if it hadn't been the cowards thing to do. Regulus and Evan and Anselm, and his friends in Slytherin had been the closest thing he'd had to family at the time. His parents had been fighting, his father either cruel or indifferent and his mother - well, never cruel, and if indifferent, it seemed only because she'd been trying to protect him as much as he'd tried to protect her. But it hadn't been his family he'd drawn any strength or comfort from. It had been his friends. And while it hadn't hurt that he disliked Muggle things on principle because his father disliked them so, or that there hadn't been a part of him that had wanted to make something of himself and prove to Lily that he could, it had been the fact that he'd needed somewhere to really feel like he belonged.

Except now he wasn't certain he felt as if he did belong there. How could you belong with a group that was all right with using werewolves to accomplish things? He was not so foolish as to believe that in a war there wouldn't be casualties, but the attacks on citizens in Diagon Alley had not been the types of casualties he had expected. And there was the simple fact that he loathed werewolves and to be siding with them...?

"Well, being wrong isn't anything anyone ever likes too much," he said quietly. "I don't think it matters too much if you're a Death Eater or just a normal person on that one. Although granted some people are probably more open to it than others. Dad never seemed very open to it," he added a trifle hesitantly. And it hit him that he really didn't want to be like his father. If he had made a mistake in joining the Death Eaters - and certainly it seemed as if his Mother might think he had - was persisting in a direction that continued that path being like his father? Was it if he didn't have any other options?

Eileen got up and checked the pots, stirring here and adding a touch of pepper and salt there. "No, they don't. Could you get the cutlery please, dear?" she said as she pulled out her wand and started summoning plates and removing some of the pots from the stove. "But that's human nature. Nobody likes being wrong, nobody likes admitting they were wrong. It's humiliating and if your mistake has led to something horrible, admitting that might be... impossible."

She dished up the food as she contemplated Severus' statement about Tobias. "Yes, your father wasn't one for admitting he was wrong. At least not out loud. When it came to apologising, he was more the type to let actions stand in for words." She shook her head then sighed wearily as she brought the plates over to the table and set them down. She sat down and decided on a little more honesty. "At least he was for a while. I'm afraid that things had... deteriorated by the time you were old enough to really understand what was going on. He didn't take my defiance very well. I don't think he really understood why it was so important to me that you be allowed to go to Hogwarts. To him magic was just... something strange and difficult to understand. It wasn't a way of life, it was just something that could be used or not used as a person saw fit."

She waved a hand at the plates. "Eat, dear. Don't let it get cold."

Severus got up and moved to get the forks and knives, bringing them back to the table as his mother brought the food over. He handed her set over while he considered her words. He was going to have to take her word for the fact that his father had ever let actions stand in for words in any way that resembled good - certainly he had no memory of it.

"Thanks Mum," he said as he picked up a fork and took a bite of food from his plate, but it wasn't really the food he was thanking her for, although it was good and he was grateful for it. He wasn't certain he understood his family yet, but he certainly had been given a few pieces to work with, and in the end, wasn't that all you ever got about anybody else anyway? And no matter how many pieces and help they might give you, in the end, you nearly always had to figure it out for yourself.