DIVORCE It is hardly a surprise, but it appears the "marriage" between Pansy Parkinson and Ronald Weasley is coming to an end. Sources tell us that the new Mrs. Weasley had a tremendous blow up with her inlaws because she didn't like what the soon to be sister-in-law, Verity Scott, had to say. Mrs. Ronald Weasley was very adamant on the journals that the influx of Muggleborn witches and wizards is destroying the magical world. She even went so far as to suggest that any pureblood witch or wizard without a parent in Azkaban shouldn't be able to call themselves a pureblood. With a father in prison for being a Death Eather, it's obvious that Mrs. Weasley still believes in the purist ideology that her husband fought so hard to defeat.
Mr. Weasley, an Auror and Order of Merlin, First Class, fought against Lord Voldemort and is considered a hero by many. Yet his insistence on marrying a Death Eater supporter have some, even some within the DMLE, questioning his true beliefs. They say you are judged by the company you keep and for Mrs. Weasley that company as of late include the children of Death Eaters. We've been informed by some not so subtle DMLE sources that Mr. Weasley is under investigation resulting from his choice in a bride. After all, having a father-in-law in prison isn't exactly a good thing for an Auror.
With the pressure from families and friends and the mounting investigation, it's no wonder these two are headed for divorce. Of course, they did make the mistake of being bonded in marriage, but there are ways around those things. For example, death seems like a far better solution than being married to a Death Eater.
EYES ON DIAGON Dear Readers,
Normally we fill this little section up with the comings and goings of our Diagon Alley residents. However, this week I, as your editor, feel the need to speak out. The morals which have guided out society for decades are being erased. There was a time when witches and wizards settled down, had children, and continued to carry on our magical ways. Regardless of blood status, witches and wizards once knew how important it was to continue the generations and work for the greater good. Now, however, all that people seem to care about is having sex, getting drunk, and spending all of their time being stupid. It's shameful.
Witch Weekly makes it money on reporting the comings and goings, yes. However, as a publication watching out world it is high time we spoke up. Enough is enough! Let us report on the charming dates wizards have taken witches on. We want to report on the latest fashion trends and the newest hairstyles. We want a world where only a select few are gossiped about.
So, I beg of the younger generation. Do not mistake your youth for a free pass from morality.
Editor in Chief
The Harlots of Diagon
Nicole Avery: The Dancer Miss Avery spends her time in Diagon Alley shagging any person she can get to. In the last two weeks she's had more sexual partners than we can count. Clearly she believes that an active sex life is nothing to be ashamed of, any good and moral person would know differently.
Melinda Bobbin - The Temptress We all know Miss Bobbin has landed herself the prized Kirley Duke. He even went so far as to confess his love in front of the entire concert hall last week in Barcelona. But Miss Bobbin doesn't think much of Mr. Duke's love as she'll jump into bed with any pretty girl she can.
Mandy Brocklehurst: The Friend She might not be attached to anyone, but that hasn't stopped Miss Brocklehurst from making the rounds. There isn't any friend she'll turn down in bed, or the pool, or anywhere else, for that matter.
Cho Chang: The Star Using her role on the WWN, Miss Chang is making her way through the Diagon Alley social scene. She doesn't care about who she shags, just as long as she gets to enjoy herself. Of course, Miss Chang is the first to judge others for doing what she enjoys so much. Shame on you.
Marietta Edgecombe: The Sneak We all know what this is about. Making people like her is a lot easier if Miss Edgecombe gets on her knees.
Anna Entwistle: The Nanny What better what to snag a rock star than to play the role of doting nanny? Of course, Miss Entwistle basically gets paid to share a bed with the entire band, so we doubt she spends much time watching the child.
Daphne Greengrass: The Wolf Bringing out the more wild side of Miss Greengrass seems to mean that she'll bend over for anyone who asks. She's not ashamed to admit how much she enjoys sex either. She howls all over Diagon Alley.
Angelina Johnson: The Broken One Bed rest is such a good excuse to spend all her time in bed. We know why Miss Johnson has been spending so much time with her "friend" Alicia Spinnet and we doubt it has anything to do with healing.
Hestia Jones: The Politician The only laws Miss Jones is involved with are the laws of common decency and she's broken them all. Careful ladies, Miss Jones doesn't give a damn if her flings are married or not.
Megan Jones: The Assistant Always eager to help out around the Ministry, Miss Jones is quick to do favors for the upper elite of the Ministry. Regardless of age (and the older the better we heard) Miss Jones is very agreeable when it comes to making these men happy.
Luna Lovegood: The Orgy Queen Curiosity equals being quite a promiscuous witch for this former Ravenclaw. She pushes people to indulge in what she claims is purely natural behavior. But she's always been a bit odd, no?
Veronica Montgomery: The Original No one does harlot like Miss Montgomery. She'll have her way with anyone at any time and doesn't think for a moment about who might be hurt in the process.
Dani Noir: The Diplomat She may look sweet and pure, but Miss Noir has a naughty side that cannot be tamed. Between rock stars and ministry employees, this witch gets around quite a bit.
Parvati Patil: The WannaSeer This broken beauty has taken a dark turn as of late. Perhaps she's been pulled into a twisted world by some of her friends, but maybe it's simply that she gets off on the attention they give her. Either way, Miss Patil isn't worth the time or the money which we're sure she'll start asking for soon.
Alicia Spinnet: The Professional She claims to be out of business, but we know that to be a lie. Miss Spinnet spent many a month charging men and women throughout Diagon for sex and we doubt being knocked up has stopped her.
Lisa Turpin: The Unspeakable Somehow this spoiled brat has managed to land herself an heir. Of course, it's probably because of how much time she's spent doing unspeakable things.
DRAMATIC AND PATHETIC
Editor's Note: Witch Weekly apologizes for the blank space. At the last minute, this article had to be pulled due to factual errors.
PATERNITY IN DOUBT
It's a sad time for Finley McAllistor. We've just learned that the baby he is so anxious to welcome into the world may not be his! His girlfriend, Alicia Spinnet, was seen flirting up a storm with the squib manager of the Fiery Phoenix. Though employed there part time, it seems like Miss Spinnet spends most of her time behind the bar. No wonder she was in such a rush to move in with her Quidditch player boyfriend.
It'll be a sad day when that baby isn't able to do magic. But considering the baby's real father can't either... well.
BRIBED & WILLING The Daily Prophet likes to say they are a fair and honest new source, but we've learned the truth. Zacharias Smith, of the Daily Prophet Smiths, has been found to be taking bribes from anyone and everyone. Though he claims himself a "fact checker" we've learned that this simply means he confronts people with what he's uncovered and pushes them to pay up so it doesn't get published. Fair and honest news indeed.
Mr. Smith isn't known for his strong moral compass. He's also been accused of writing false stories if the price is right. We wonder if there is anything he wouldn't do for a little gold.
THE HERMIT OF 54 DIAGON ALLEY On the 10th floor of 54 Diagon Alley lives an odd sort of wizard. Owner of the Pride of Portree, Jewllian Montague, is rarely seen out and about. Instead, he locks himself away in the darkness of his luxury suite. What he does in there, no one can be sure of. But it is clear this wizard is up to something dangerous.
He does, on occasion, have visitors. The most recent being the famed Diagon Alley Harlot, Veronica Montgomery. Who knew she was making house calls?
MUGGLEBORNS SHUN MAGIC Muggleborns Against Magic (MAM) have established themselves in Knockturn Alley. This group of Muggleborns have begun to protest magic and petitioned the Ministry to ban magic entirely in certain magical areas. Of course, this makes no sense at all, but MAM is insistent. They claim that magical free areas in Knockturn would give Muggleborns a safe haven from those who wish to do them hard. We'd like to say that no one wishes to harm Mugglborns, but then again, we've all read the journals.
THE NEW DEATH EATERS
Death Eaters are this seasons newest trend, apparently. So many young people are looking to create their own group of Death Eaters and we have the dirt on who is making the cut.
Rhadamanthus Carrow: The Son Carrows are known for their purists beliefs and none hold those beliefs more closely than Mr. Carrow.
Michael Corner: The Healer Don't be fooled by his anti-Death Eater speech. This young man has more anger and hate in him than ten Death Eaters combined. Surely he'll be taking a mark soon enough.
Terence Higgs: The Security More than happy to remain in his pureblood circles, Mr. Higgs is just dying for the chance to be like his many cousins.
Draco Malfoy: The Leader When has a Malfoy ever not been a Dark Wizard?
Theodore Nott: The Son All good little pureblood boys want to be like their fathers.
Pansy Parkinson-Weasley: The Queen If Mrs. Weasley had her way she and Mr. Malfoy would rule the new class of Death Eaters with gilded fists.
Blaise Zabini: The Snob He may claim Death Eaters are beneath him, but we'd wager he'd rather be beneath a few of them.