WE GOT IT WRONG: An Exclusive Interview with Kirley Duke and His New Love Melinda Bobbin The Witch Weekly would like to apologize for the allegations printed against Melinda Bobbin. We at the Weekly pride ourselves on following solid, factual sources with proven leads and following the strictest measures of journalistic integrity. It was incorrect and downright malicious to insinuate Mr. Duke is so weak willed that he could be ‘conned’ into a relationship, and we retract any childish names directed to Ms. Bobbin.
The Weekly has read and taken to heart our readers and Mr. Duke’s outrage. The previous reporter has been let go from her position and we have granted Mr. Duke and Ms. Bobbin an interview to set the record straight with our junior reporter: Emma Emmerich.
EE: Thank you both for meeting with me today.
KD: Let's do this yeah? I want to set the record straight about everything.
EE: Absolutely! So, let's get to the point: how long have you two been dating?
KD: Just over two weeks, actually. I’ve been after her for months though. Finally gave me a shot.
MB: What can I say? You wore me down.
KD: Well I am persistent
MB: Thankfully.
EE: That's a good shot, then! Melinda, why did you resist him? He's clearly quite fit.
MB: Well. There were a few reasons, really. We met at one of his parties and developed a bit of a business relationship, really. At first it was about not dating people I make potions for -- gets a bit messy, that. But then I got to know him. Decently well, actually, and I really liked the guy I got to know, and I was afraid of being just a girl at a party.
EE: That is very admirable, Melinda. Not many women would have the foresight to put their business relationships first. Now, Kirley, did you find Melinda's rejection of your advances more... alluring? You're probably quite used to women not giving you much of a challenge.
KD: Well, I’ll say this. I got lucky with this one. She understands the rock star life, and the type of person I am. So we’re both free to live our lives just as we were before, we just know where our feelings are.
EE: Obviously you've had difficulty with women understanding your lifestyle in the past. Melinda, the horrible things printed in the Weekly are, unfortunately, something you will have to endure from other sources and fans. Is this something you can handle and accept?
MB: I will say that there were some things I rather expected. The last article attacking my professional ethics was further than I expected. I don't expect to be accepted or even liked by everybody, and I'm certain it will be a bit rocky from here, still. But he makes me happy. He deserves at least me trying to sort things when things go pear-shaped. So far his staff and the band have been wonderfully supportive and helpful.
EE: Glad to hear you have the support of the band! Kirley, do you have anything you wish to address to those who would speak ill against your decision to be with Melinda?
KD: Well honestly I’d like them to stop. Like I said in my statement, Melinda is amazing, and she makes me happy. I would hope that my fans would trust me when I tell them that she’s good for me.
EE: Well, we here at the Weekly do not support the comments made by the previous witch who penned that article, and we wish you two the best. We hope to print lots of happy stories and cheerful gossip.
KD: Thank you. I just want everyone to know that she’s a remarkable woman, and I care for her a great deal.
EE: And thank you two for being so cute. Any last words or thoughts from either of you?
MB: We are pretty adorable, aren't we?
KD: It’s all you, baby.
MB: I absolutely adore you.
EE: Melinda, you have all of our envy.
MB: Well, I do hope everyone can find someone who makes them happy like he does for me.
HERO'S HEARTBREAK In a shocking announcement, the marriage of Ronald Weasley and Pansy Parkinson was announced over the weekend. Of course, for anyone paying attention this came as no surprise at all. Mr. Weasley could not have been more vocal about his dislike of Pansy Parkinson and to paraphrase the famous Muggle playwright, William Shakespeare, Mr. Weasley doth protest too much. Saddled for so many years with a witch who cares nothing about her appearance or personality, it is hardly shocking that Mr. Weasley would seek out the company of a refined, polished and proper witch such as Miss Parkinson.
Of course, there will be those readers who believe that Miss Granger has been slighted, but let us remind all of our readers that Miss Weasley famously rejected Mr. Weasley's hand in marriage. She had her chance and instead chose a life in a small office at the Ministry fighting lost causes and forgetting to brush her hair. In our humble opinion, Mr. Weasley not only made the right decision, but it's about damn time he did as well. Miss Granger should have been looking towards the signs that Mr. Weasley and Miss Parkison were displaying for weeks now.
Witch Weekly cannot wait for the wonderful even later this month and we wish the new couple all the happiness in the world. And remember, witches, don't let your wizard get away, especially when he's a handsome war hero! (Cont'd on Page 12)
SEXLESS SINGER With news of the Weird Sister's conquests and love lives making the pages of this esteemed magazine each week, there is one wizard who doesn't seem to have any interest in bedding his followers. Lead Singer of the Weird Sisters, Myron Wagtail, hasn't been taking anyone to bed for quite some time. While his fans are literally throwing their knickers at the handsome crooner, Wagtail has no interest at all.
As always, there are many theories as to why such a famous bloke would reject the advances of so many witches, but Witch Weekly has found the truth!
Myron Wagtail is looking for THE ONE. Yes, ladies, you read that correctly. Myron Wagtail is searching for his true love, the love of his life and his reason for being. Could that be you? Well, don't mail him your knickers if you want to get his attention. (Cont'd on page 23)
MINISTRY TURNED WHOREHOUSE The Ministry of Magic is planning a new event which sinks to the lowest low yet. Disguised as a fun event to raise money for charity, the Ministry of Magic will be selling wizards for sexual favours. While some may giggle and applaud the idea, Witch Weekly condemns the Ministry for their horrific abuse of power.
We have war orphans still going to bed in foster homes. There are buildings in Knockturn Alley standing vacant after the Ministry's Dark Magic Sweeps and now this? What, exactly, is Hestia Jones thinking? (Cont'd on Page 14)
LONELY IN LOVE Pride Chaser Roger Davies is in love. Unfortunately, the witch who has captured his heart has no interest in him at all. It seems that Mr. Davies is head over heels in love with none other than Cho Chang. As our more dedicated readers will remember, Miss Chang is a suspect in many cons against rich and powerful wizards. Perhaps Mr. Davies is looking to be her next victim? Or maybe he knows the truth and doesn't care?
Poor Mr. Davies! There are so many witches more deserving of his time and affection. (Cont'd on Page 24)
DEAR MISS GRANGER Dear Miss Granger,
Thank you so much for your letter. As editor of Witch Weekly for the last seven years, I always appreciate feedback from our valued readers. And when a reader of such notoriety as the famous Hermione Granger reaches out to us in such a public forum then I feel obligated to respond. First, let me thank you for reading our lovely magazine. Your subscription helps provide salaries for nearly thirty witches and wizards in our offices, not to mention helps support the businesses which advertise within our pages. We are a vital competent of the economy here in Diagon Alley as well as the rest of wizarding Britain. The dozens of actors, musicians, Qudditch stars and artists who have become famous as a result of our magazine also thank you, I'm sure. Without readers like you, they wouldn't have the fame they so enjoy now.
Now, onto your concerns. It would seem, Miss Granger, that you objected to our story regarding the truth behind the Order of the Phoenix. Obviously this is a subject close to your heart which naturally makes it impossible for you to be objective. We will forgive your temper regarding this as we understand you sacrificed a great deal in order to bring our world to a new era of peace. For that, Miss Granger, you do have our sincere gratitude. But, we have to ask. At any time during the war, were you denied knowing the entire truth from Albus Dumebledore? We've heard several accounts which state that Albus Dumbledore lived for half truths and vague advice in order to achieve his own objective. While you may have a rose tinted view of the wizard, there are many people in our world who were not so favored by the deceased Headmaster.
It also seems that you want us to provide proof for our allegations while questioning our ethics. The greatest ethical obligation a reporter must uphold is protecting their sources. As such, we cannot release the proof you demand. To do so would be a violation of the ethics and morals you seem so quick to deny we have. Further, Miss Granger, we are not slandering any person in our pages. We understand that you are not well versed in defamation as anything printed that is untrue in a publication would be libel, rather than slander. However, all of this is rather moot at the Ministry of Magic does not have any defamation laws on the books.
As you said, the ball is in our court. (I did, of course, have to look up this particular phrase as I'm unfamiliar with such a Muggle expression.) Witch Weekly has reached out to the Ministry of Magic to develop defamation laws which will not only protect citizens (citizens meaning living witches and wizards as you cannot defame the dead per Muggle common law) but also protect the press. While most citizens are obviously free to voice their opinions, you must agree that you, Miss Granger, carry as much, if not more, influence as any magical publication. So, thank you, for giving us the motivation to do the "right thing." I do hope you enjoy the outcome.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Abigail MacFusty, Editor-in-Chief for Witch Weekly
EYES ON DIAGON SEEN: Bride to Be beaming about her upcoming nuptials. HEARD: New Wolf seeking a mate with famous Wizard. RUMORED: Former Witch of the Night trying to trick Handsome Beater into marriage. RUMORED: Fallen Heir devastated over True Love's betrothal. SEEN: Sassy Ginger setting buildings on fire.