Summary: Songfic to Snowpatrol's Chasing Cars. Lead in to a coming continuing story. Elijah contemplates his relationship with Dominic
Disclaimer: As far as I know, this is purely fictional. I don't know Dominic or Elijah or if they feel anything but friendship for one another. Just having a bit of fun.
Elijah sighed as he lowered himself down onto the soft cushions of the couch. The sounds of the party outside was barely heard in this far off room of his house. It was his private den. The one place where he could get away from it all and just let himself think and exist. Only one other person was welcomed here. The only person that had ever understood him. The one person he’ll never truly get over. No much how much time has passed.
He sighed and closed his eyes, cursing himself. He tried not to think about Dominic. It never did any good to think of his best friend/former lover, even though the man was right outside at the pool, laughing over some joke with Jason and Greg. As handsome and as funny as the first day they had met in New Zealand. Now that time seemed like a thousand years ago. Back then they had been lovers. It had been them against the world, for just a little while. The outside world and all it’s problems couldn’t touch them. Then the PR from Newline had shown up, and he had insisted on the PR girlfriend, which had angered Dominic. They both had tried to continue on, but the idea of Elijah dating other women while dating him had been too much for Dominic and they had agreed to remain close friends…unless Elijah’s ideas about careers and love life changed. He still remembered what he had said…
“It’s no one’s business, Lij. We could make our private lives off limits. We don’t talk about it. Just like we’re doing now…as far as the world knows, we’re just best mates…”
But Elijah hadn’t listened. Dominic was a different creature than him. He couldn’t stomach bearding and could never understand Elijah’s need to do so. It would have destroyed them completely. He had valued Dominic’s friendship more and would not see it destroyed by an ill advised love affair. So he had called it off, ignoring the ache of his own heart. An ache that had never gone away.
Now he was stuck in a loveless relationship with Pam and Dominic had moved on, found love again with Evangeline…seemingly over whatever it had been between them. But their friendship was still intact and that had been what was important to Elijah and still was…except…he still was in love with Dominic. He had never loved another man. He had never been with another man since Dominic and the thought of anything but kissing with Pam physically sickened him. It was a lonely life. The only things he lived for now was his music and time with his friends…especially time with Dominic. Their friendship was especially close. Close enough that Dominic barely talked about it to the press anymore…they never talked about their times as lovers, though…even though it was always on their minds. At least it was always on Elijah’s. He really didn’t know what was on Dominic’s…
“Elijah?” Dominic stepped into the room, his grey eyes dark with concern.
We’ll do it all Everything On our own
We don’t need Anything Or anyone
Elijah looked towards the door, his eyes wide. He hadn’t expected Dominic to join him this time. Usually, if Dominic was in tuned with his moods, he’d follow Elijah and they’d set and talk through whatever was bothering the younger man, but this time Dominic had been so busy with Greg and Jason, he thought that there’d be no way he’d sense that something was wrong…which was what Elijah had wanted. He didn’t want Dominic to follow him and try to help him with what was eating away at him now. He didn’t want to be anywhere near Dominic at the moment…because this time…Dominic was the problem. Dominic and the feelings that Elijah held for him. The feelings that never did die….the feelings that kept him from moving on. It would have been simple if Dominic hadn’t starred on Lost and met Evangeline…if he had never developed real feelings for her. Elijah had a shot of getting Dom back before she had came into the picture…but that wasn’t true either. Even when she came into the picture…when it looked like Dom had a chance to move on with her…he had called Elijah first. But there had been Pam and Elijah had been determined to make it work for the sake of his career…that now seemed so fucking unimportant. He can still remember that phonecall…
“So…you’ve finally met someone else? Is that what you’re telling me?” Elijah struggled to keep his tears at bay. He did not want Dominic to hear his weakness. He may take it as a sign that they did have a chance. That Elijah had changed his mind, which he hadn’t. He had to make this work with Pam. He had fucked up with Franka and if he didn’t make this work with Pam, the rumors would return…and that’s exactly what his career didn’t need. Then his agent really wouldn’t be happy. “She’s my costar…she plays Kate. She’s beautiful, funny, athletic, fuck she even likes my bugs and lizards. There’s not that many girls who would stand for that you know…the Lost suits are wanting us to start dating anyway and we really like each other and…”
“Dominic…what’s the point to this? I mean…you’re going to start bearding? That’s great. That’s exactly what…”
“She’s more than a beard Lij. In fact…I don’t think I can even call her a beard…I think I may be developing some strong feelings for her…”
Silence. What could he say after such a confession. Should he bring up New Zealand? What they had shared? Why was Dominic telling him this? He had a strong suspicion that it was more than Dominic sharing the news of a potential girlfriend with his best friend. No, Dominic had an agenda. “Why are you telling me this Dom?”
“…Because I think I’m falling in love with her and…I need to know. I need to know before I go any further with this thing with Evie if there’s even a remote chance that I can have you back? The way that I had you in New Zealand…”
“Dom…”
“No Elijah. Hear me out. Ever since you came to visit me here in Hawaii…I can’t stop thinking about New Zealand. How we were together. The kisses, the hugs, the love making…”
“Dom don’t…”
“I’m still in love with you Lij. Very much so. I’ve never stopped.”
“Dom…”
“This thing with Evi hasn’t even really started yet. I can call it off now and neither one of us would be hurt much…just tell me that there’s still a chance for you and me. That’s all I’m asking Lij. A chance that someday, we can have back what we had in New Zealand. It doesn’t have to be right away. It doesn’t have to be anytime soon. I’ll wait for you. Just say the word…and this thing with Evi will disappear….”
Elijah closed his eyes, fighting off the temptation. He did want to be with Dominic…so fucking badly that he could taste it. But he knew that he couldn’t do it. He had his new girlfriend Pam, and in order for the public to buy it, he had to give her all of his attention in the romance department. There was no having one on the side. Then there was also Dominic’s own career. Lost could save him from the hobbit persona. It could take him to heights that he probably hadn’t even considered yet. This relationship with this Evangeline person…it was a good chance for Dominic. He couldn’t let him ruin it for something that was impossible. “I’m sorry Dom. I…I wish that I could give you what you want. But what we had in New Zealand…I’ll keep it close to my heart always…but it’s in the past now and in the past it must stay.”
Hurt and disappointment laced Dominic’s words. “So, there’s no hope then.”
“No hope. If you feel something for Evangeline…I…you should pursue it,” Elijah squeezed his eyes shut at the words, ignoring the pain that shot through him at the thought of Dominic with someone else. Doing things with them that he should be only doing with him. It wasn’t fucking fair!
“Fine….thanks for your honesty…”
I love you Dommie. I always will. Please forgive me someday, but this is for the best. I hope someday I’ll forgive myself. “You’re welcome…gotta go.”
“Sure…”
As soon as Elijah had hung up that night, he had fallen onto his bed and cried until there were no tears left. Giving Dominic up had been the hardest thing he had ever done, even though he had just known that it would be the right thing to do. It wouldn’t have been fair to Dominic to make him wait. To make him hope for something that was never going to happen, but fuck it hurt. Especially now, being in Dominic’s presence, knowing what he had lost and that he was never going to get it back. That he couldn’t…
“I’m fine. Just a bit tired. Thought I could come in here and just lay down for a bit. Get a break from all the noise,” Elijah leaned back against the cushions, gazing at the man he loved and had lost. How he’d give anything to hold him in his arms right now…or be held. Pretend like it was New Zealand. Where it had been them against the world. They hadn’t needed anything or anyone back then. They had each other…
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me And just forget the world
Dominic chuckled. “Greg and Jason. Love them to death, but they can be a bit much sometimes. Mind some company? I can give you a massage…the kind you always liked…”
Elijah should say no. He should send Dominic back out to the party and pull himself back together. But fuck…to have Dominic’s magical fingers on him again…to have this time alone with Dominic…a part of New Zealand that he just couldn’t let go of…it was something he did not have the strength to refuse at the moment. “Sure…”
Elijah slid forward, making room for Dom to lay behind him and massage his shoulders. It was a position they had used a lot in New Zealand, when Elijah would come back from a particularly hard day on the set. The position intimate and comforting at the same time. It had been his favorite way to get some cuddle time in with his then boyfriend. Now it was the perfect position to bring back even more memories and to increase his desire. But he wouldn’t think of that now. He couldn’t.
A moan escaped Elijah’s lips as Dominic’s fingers began to press and gently squeeze his tense muscles. Pushing the tension right out of him. “Fucking good…”
“You always did like my massages,” Dominic smiled.
“You have hands of magic,” Elijah sighed, letting his head fall back against Dominic’s shoulder. This took him straight back to New Zealand. When Dominic had been his. No PR. No PR girlfriends. No girlfriend in far away Hawaii, probably wondering what her boyfriend was up to. He had met Evangeline a number of times and had to admit that he couldn’t help but like her. Her personality fit Dom’s and he could see why his former lover would fall for her…but he also hated her. She could be with Dominic and not worry about PR. She could receive the looks that Dominic only reserved for his lover. She could have his lips pressed against hers and his arms around her body, holding her close and nothing would be said. Like in those paparazzi pictures he had seen in Dominic’s final year in Hawaii. Them making out on the beach. Oblivious to Ryan and the cameras. So fucking in love…or at least that’s what the papers were exclaiming. Let that be him and Dominic and there’d be shouts of scandal and gay love affairs and accusations of perversion. It wasn’t fair! He loved Dominic! More than she ever could, yet she was the one that was allowed to be with him…no fucking questions asked.
He loved Dominic…no…he more than loved him. He could say that to Dominic now, but would he believe that. Elijah had said those words before…and they had always been believed…but would Dominic believe him now? Were those words spoken by Elijah worthless now that Elijah had let their relationship fade?
I don’t quiet know how to say how I feel Those three words are said too much They’re not enough
“This is nice…I’ve missed this,” Dominic sighed, his voice husky and his breath warm against Elijah’s neck. “And you’re as stiff as a bloody board, love. What’s gotten you so worked up, huh?”
Elijah didn’t dare answer that with the truth. The truth could only do one of three things. Confuse Dominic, anger Dominic, or hurt Dominic. Elijah didn’t want any of those things. He just wanted…fuck. He didn’t know what he wanted. That was the fucking problem. Maybe he should just tell Dominic the truth. Forget the rubbish that his agent keeps feeding him, about proper relationships and responsibility and the danger of falling into the trap of thinking that Hollywood loved gays now, with Lance Bass and TR Knight and Doogie Howser coming out of the closet. According to his agent, sooner or later Hollywood will come to it’s senses and all those happy gay celebs will find themselves out of a job, wishing that they could go right back into the closet. He really should stop listening to his agent and start living his life before he was too fucking old to enjoy it. And he did want to enjoy it. He wanted to enjoy it with Dominic, if he could….
If I lay here would If I just lay here Will you lie with me and Just forget the world Forget what we’re told Before we get too old
They could have a beautiful life together. They could return to New Zealand and rediscover all they had. It’d be a life that Elijah had always wanted. All that he ever wanted….
Show me a garden it’s bursting into life
It’d be a dream come true…a beautiful dream…
Let’s waste time chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own
“I’m glad you had this party Lij and that you came in here. Gives me a chance to talk to you,” Dominic continued, his fingers still working on Elijah’s muscles, his voice soft and caring. Full of loving concern that had never left, even when they had broken up. Elijah knew that he would always have a place in Dominic’s heart. No matter where things stood between them and Dominic will always show his concern and affection towards him. It was one of the things Elijah loved about the Brit. That and his humor.
“Why is that?”
“You need to have fun more. Get out more with your mates and not only that…you need to start doing what makes you happy as well.”
Elijah frowned. Did Dominic suspect? Did he come in here to talk him into giving them another chance, Hollywood be damned? Was that’s his motive? If so…well he had no idea what to say. Maybe Elijah would listen this time and throw caution to the wind. He really didn’t have much of a career at the moment anyway…right? “What do you mean?”
“I mean all the fashion shows and festivals and shit. They’re all well and good…but please don’t forget to take care of yourself. I don’t want Astin to call me in tears, saying that you had collapsed from exhaustion.”
“I’m fine Dominic. Really.”
“Still…promise me that you’ll take care of yourself. Eat. Get rest when you need it. Stop trying to grow a beard, because you look bloody awful with one…”
Elijah rolled his eyes at the last part. Of course. Dominic wouldn’t be Dominic if he didn’t take the piss about his attempts to grow a proper beard so he could look older. Another one of his agent’s ideas. Hmm…maybe he needed a new agent after all… “I promise. Happy now?”
“Ecstatic,” Dominic chuckled, a arm slipping around Elijah’s middle and pulling him close. “I just worry sometimes Lij. That’s all…”
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me And Just forget the world Forget what we’re told Before we get too old Show me a garden that’s bursting into life
Elijah’s heart twisted at the thought of Dominic worrying about him. He knew he did…but still…the thought that Dominic still cared so much for him…despite how he had hurt him. It was a little overwhelming. Turning around to face his former lover, he gasped when their eyes met. What he saw there…it was more than what he had been expecting. Love was there. True, pure love. Something that time and circumstances could never touch. In those eyes, he saw himself as he was in New Zealand. Young. Hopeful. Naïve, and hopelessly in love. A love that he’ll carry with him for the rest of his life. A love that will never change. Staring into Dominic’s eyes, the real world disappeared and it was like they were back in New Zealand. Just him and Dominic. Nothing and no one else mattered…
All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes They’re all I can see
He couldn’t explain it. He’d fuck up trying to explain it to anyone that wasn’t himself and Dominic, but he knew that the love they had was still there. It was still there and as strong as it had been in New Zealand. Elijah’s PR responsibilities couldn’t change it and neither could the presence of Evangeline Lilly in Dominic’s life. She may have him in Hawaii. She may have the right to kiss and hug him and hold his hand in public…but here. In Elijah’s den…on this couch, in Dominic’s arms, staring into those eyes….all rights were Elijah’s. Nothing had changed from New Zealand. Dominic was still his. There for him whenever he should need him. That will never ever change.
I don’t know where Confused about how as well I just know that these things Will never change for us at all
“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I’ll be alright now.” Now that he knew that Dominic was still his in some shape and form. Now that he knew that all wasn’t as lost as he had once believed. All he had to do was say the word…but would he? Could he? Those were questions for another time…he couldn’t think about them now…
Dominic’s gaze grew soft, his slender fingers brushed against Elijah’s pale cheek and he knew what would come next. He wasn’t going to stop it. A soft, relieved sigh escaped him as Dominic’s lip gently pressed against his own and he returned the gentle pressure. His arms slid around Dominic’s neck.
No, they probably didn’t know what they were doing. But that was ok. It didn’t matter. What did matter was that moment. That warm kiss that spoke more than what ever could be said and the small world in that den that contained only the two of them. Pam…Evangeline…they could wait in the outside world. What really mattered now was Elijah and Dominic, lost in that one gentle kiss, the world outside forgotten…
If I lay here If I just lay here Will you lie with me And just forget the world