tattycoram (tattycoram) wrote in ffvii_yaoi, @ 2007-11-16 16:47:00 |
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Entry tags: | - fic, author: tattycoram |
Summary: I was listening to ‘Reptile’ and ‘Hurt’ by NIN, this is the result, crazy Sephiroth visits a lover from his younger days who is tormented by the change in the man he once loved.
Pairing: Sephiroth and anyone you like, it’s not stated. I’ve said over at my journal who I write is as, should anyone want to know.
Warnings: Dark and miserable, bit weird I guess. Written straight off and un beated, sorry. Swear words :o
Rating : not explicit sexually but a bit brutal, R?
Word Count: Just over 1,000
The lines in bold type are from NIN songs and the first two lines are altered lines of the song 'Reptile', I changed 'she' to 'he'.
He leaves a trail of honey to show me where he’s been,
He has the blood of reptile just underneath his skin..
He had never looked healthy, not really, not even back when he was, now he looks fucking sickening. My reaction on seeing him must show him plainly what I’m thinking and perhaps it does not altogether displease him. His once white skin is now transparent, stretched over the planes of his face, and his eyes, once wide and full of silent appeals, are now shuttered and fathomless. Cold, still, he was always cold, but it did not run so deep as this.
It starts with him reaching out and me automatically flinching. It’s a little game, a little test, because every time I try not to, I try to be warm enough for both of us and every time it’s more than I can stand. He always smiles at that but it’s only surface deep, the part of him, the fragment, that I can still read lets me know that every time he hopes as much as I do that it will be different, that this last refuge we created together will somehow put everything right.
‘I disgust you, don’t I?’ He whispers.
I just nod, because I can’t bear to hear myself say it. In my mind I see flashes of five years ago, of him passionate and pure. It’s only a series of heart beats ago, it’s a life time ago, an age away.
The kiss is always the cruelest part, it’s where my mind tricks me into thinking I’m back there, back with him, when love was still a word I could say without this dark twist in my stomach. It’s the same mouth, the same lips, the same cold, barely perceptible response and I focus on that until I can feel sun on my face, a breeze on my skin and, yes, I’m back there, tasting those moments again.
It can’t last forever, it barely lasts a full minute until I meet those eyes and again I can’t hide how I feel, how horrified I am to have to look at him. His eyes shine with a paler light than I remember, every time, paler, more of him washed away, his gaze drives into me with every horror that’s in his mind, everything that flows in his diseased blood.
‘Finally reached your limit?’ He coos, his hollow voice full of false gentleness.
‘No,’ I growl, refusing to let him beat me that easily, because when he beats me I have to let go of everything, everything that made me, that once saved me, saved me like I can’t save him.
The rest of it is always ugly, I wonder if he would still come to me if it wasn’t. I strike him, I knock him down, I do everything I can to hurt him as I make myself carry it through. I try to imagine he doesn’t want it, that I have enough power to force him, I try to imagine I stand a chance of breaking him open and drawing the poison out, I try to forget that once, being this close to him was called “making love”. I stare into his eyes, the eyes that have haunted me since the last time we were like this, eyes that crush me down until I can hardly breathe, that make up the waking nightmare that never leaves me, this horror that has become my life.
He is the first to move when it’s over, he straightens his clothes like nothing has happened and he starts towards the door without even looking at me, carrying that far too small piece of my love away, that short burst of heat and passion swallowed up and lost, rendered meaningless.
‘Wait, wait, for once wait,’ I manage to choke out as I slide to the floor. To my relief he does stay, though the look on his face shows that he doesn't do it for the sake of kindness, it’s the thought of destroying me a little more than he has already, ‘give me something,’ I say as I sway around on my knees in front of him. Before I can think what I’m doing I wipe at my mouth, wiping away the traces of his touches even as I shrivel up inside at the thought that I might never have more.
‘Give you what?’ He snaps impatiently.
‘GIVE ME SOMETHING!’
The room rings with the sound of my scream, like even inanimate matter is stinging from it where he just stands staring at me with the same look on his face. It’s like screaming at stone, it’s like being trapped inside stone, but I can still crack him, just a little, just the smallest amount, if I break against him with all my strength.
The gun is safely tucked under the corner of the carpet, loaded, ready for my shaking hands to close around it and put it against my head.
‘Give me something or I end this.’
It’s a pathetic feeling, to be so pleased that I can still get his attention. The tear rips through my mind again, soft touches in the slow setting dusk, as I stood with my fingers wound up in his hair and my heart hammering wildly at the sound of his voice in my ear, saying my name.
How could I ever have imagined that it would end up like this, just a few short years later, me on my knees in front of him with a gun to my head.
Suddenly a change settles over his face, the dark hollows under his eyes seem to lessen, his mouth pulls into a ghost of that wide, shy smile I remember so vividly, then he reaches slowly out to me and gently touches my face.
‘I remember,’ he whispers, ‘it was a warm night and we stood watching the setting sun, we stood entwined with each other, wrapped up in the sweet air under the brightening stars and nothing was ever going to stop us, it was all going to get better and better and I said to you “you’re everything to me”’.
My disease, my infection, I am so impure…
Before I open my eyes I know he’s gone, before I open my eyes I can smell the scent of us together on the sheets against my face and before I open my eyes a weight settles over me, for his one small, sweet gift I condemn myself to hell.
You could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt…