Happy holidays, augustepiphany! (Hermione/Pansy, R) Title: The World Spins Madly On Author: ??? Recipient:augustepiphany Rating:R Pairing(s): Hermione/Pansy, a little H/D on the side Warning: terrible humor Notes: title stolen from the weepies. thank you for being patient, mods. i really hope you like it!, augustepiphany it's quite out of my element, but i did the best i could!
"Pansy?"
"Yes?"
"You're drooling."
"Thanks. Gerroff my lap with your head. I mean. What."
"More firewhiskey?"
"Mmmmf."
"Wake UP!"
"Shutit."
"No, come on, I have a good one. Which wretched -- er, the wretched, and by wretched I mean forbidden and -- er. Creature is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?"
"Malfoy, I'm drunk, but I'm not that drunk. We are not playing this game."
"I'd say...I'd say Harry Potter."
"I know, you dolt."
"YOU shut it!"
"Fine. Granger, then."
"..."
"Don't look at me like that. You'll hurt yourself."
"GRANGER?"
"She's just...y'know...she's got that hair."
"WHAT hair?"
"THAT HAIR. That HAIR. I don't know! You asked! The HAIR and the...she's got those kind of doe-y eyes."
"What, is she a pastry?"
"I was -- poetic! And! Go fuck yourself. Or Harry Potter."
"You're absolutely barking mad. You are insane."
"You-- well. You're! THE BOY WHO LIVED. Honestly. God."
"Shut it."
"I'll shut you."
"Dyke."
"Pouf."
"Pansy."
"...whhatt."
"I have - I have had a GREAT idear. Idear. Idea."
"...wwhaat."
"Letsh...letsh DO something about our PASSIONS."
"...whhaaat."
"I dare...you've got to -- er. Get into Granger's pants. Or. Affections. Preferably both. And I into Potty's."
"...okayhmmbgblll."
"I'm writing this...shit...down."
Thud.
Pansy stretched, ignoring the three blankets and half a Draco that fell off of her as she did so.
"Oh, god, my head." she remarked conversationally to the blinding light of the morning. "It had better be Saturday. Draco!" she nudged him sharply with her toe. He groaned, and promptly burped loudly with a particularly deflating quality. "Nice." she muttered, and turned him over. A piece of alcohol-stained parchment peeked ominously out of the waistband of his pajama pants. She grabbed it and began reading with horror.
"Oh my god."
The shock had worn off as Pansy made her way through her third piece of ham. Draco, sitting across the table, was meanwhile moodily chewing a piece of toast.
"You realize this a terrible idea." said Pansy in a resigned manner.
Draco started. "Er...maybe you should just do it and I can do it after you're done, you know, like a sort of in-phases sort of -- "
"No. We're both doing it. You wrote it down. What the hell kind of Slytherins would we be if we didn't use every ounce of our wit and cunning to get to what we want?" said Pansy, hissing slightly.
"Errr. Bad. Ones?" Draco hazarded slowly.
"Right! All right, we need a plan. Actually, you need a plan. And I need a plan. I'm not helping you at all, and you're not helping me. Hell, let's make it a contest." said Pansy adventurously.
"I -- all right. A challenge." said Draco with reluctance.
"A challenge."
Pansy arrived ten minutes early, ignoring a glare from Snape. She stood just inside the doorway and watched for the flood of students coming. She had hired Crabbe and Goyle for a special task. Here they came!
As the trio that was always together strode into the room laughing, Crabbe and Goyle each went for a leg of her companions. Ron and Harry both fell without a sound, happily enough. Hermione continued chattering as she sat down at an empty table and became suddenly and discouragingly silent when Pansy came out of nowhere and plopped down beside her.
By the time Harry and Ron had made their way off the ground, Hermione was thoroughly trapped in a sea of Slytherins that all looked surprisingly smug. Hermione went to move, gathering up her books nervously, but stopped at a sharp glance from Snape and a curl of that famous lip.
"Er." said Pansy, trying not to furrow her brow too much.
Hermione was silent.
Snape viciously assigned them the day's work and began stalking back and forth between the tables as he was so prone to do.
Pansy stared into her cauldron despairingly.
Hermione frowned.
Pansy cautiously stole a glance at Granger. Her eyes were fixed resolutely on the lizard bladders she was slicing.
Hermione stole one of her own glances at Pansy, and their eyes met. Pansy bit her lip and frowned more deeply, trying to decide whether or not to smile.
Hermione huffed, returned the frown, and buried herself to the wrists in lizard bladder. Pansy bit her tongue and mentally screamed in frustration. This was impossible. This was insane -- wait.
Wait a minute.
Pansy carefully arranged her lizard bladders and then sneezed in a curiously convenient way, flinging her arms about and knocking off the lizard bladders into Hermione's lap.
"SORRY." she shouted, and thrust her hand into Hermione's crotch to retrieve them. Hermione turned scarlet and thrust Pansy away in horror.
They spent the rest of the hour in silence.
As Hermione carefully trimmed her unicorn's hooves, Pansy sidled up.
"Hello!" she said with a cheerfulness absolutely foreign to her.
Hermione glanced up with a grimace. "Hello."
"Um, I was wondering if you'd like to. Go. I mean, help me...with my." Pansy stammered.
Draco's wild laughter filled the Forbidden Forest.
Pansy stiffened, shot a glare at Draco, and then turned back to Hermione.
"Would. You like. To go out." spit out Pansy.
"...w-what?" said Hermione, eyes widening.
"NEVERMIND." shouted Pansy, and ran.
[later that night]
Pansy turned over, eyes closed. She felt hands sliding down her body and smiled.
"Granger."
The answer was a timid nibble to the shoulder. Pansy growled and sat up. Granger sat naked in her bed, curvy with hair as wild as anything had ever been. Hermione bit her lip, uncertain.
"Here, let me." said Pansy quietly, eyes smouldering. She took Hermione by the shoulders and gently pushed her back against her pillows.
Hermione fell back softly, the curve of her neck followed by subtle smooth lines of collarbone, and then gently sloping breasts, a small tum, and then that blessed thatch of hair.
Pansy leaned back on her haunches, enjoying the sight of the smaller girl stretched out on her bed.
She leaned forward, catching herself on her arms, slowly letting their bodies touch. She could feel the heat of their two chests together.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
And the kiss, oh, that first kiss, so soulful. Barely touching, a sweet catching of the lower lip on lower lip.
Pansy rubbed the flat of her palm against Hermione's belly, feeling the girl shake with desire. She slipped her hand downwards, through the gentle curls of Hermione's pubic hair. She felt the sweet slipperiness and moved two fingers to press against Hermione pleasurably. She moved them up and down, slowly. Hermione gasped and bit her lip, shoulders tensing.
Pansy leaned forward and slowly ran her tongue down Hermione's stomach, nibbling at the tiny chubby spot where belly ended and crotch began. She opened her two fingers, spreading Hermione open, and latching onto Hermione's nub with a gentleness that most would not believe Pansy possessed.
She scraped her teeth over the base of the clitoris and was rewarded with a gasping moan from Hermione. Hermione reached down, tangling her hands in Pansy's short hair. Pansy continued her attentions and pressed two fingers into Hermione, causing a squeak and a buck of the hips.
She gently thrust in and out.
She not so gently thrust in and out.
Hermione shook, pelvis rising and falling, hands clutching and pulling.
"Yes!" cried Hermione.
The one word spoiled it all.
Pansy opened her eyes, annoyed. She could never get the voice right. She continued her hand movements until she came in a muffled sort of way, then turned over and promptly went into a disappointed sleep.
"FUCK IT." shouted Pansy, slamming a glass down, as Draco opened a note with his name scribbled on it in what looked suspiciously like another teenage boy's writing.
Granger looked up for a minute from a distraught Ron that happened to be covered with egg, and caught Pansy's eye.