Dean's Visit
Title: Dean's Visit Fandom: Supernatural Author: myguys_sam_dean Rating: PG-13 Characters: Dean Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just play with 'em. Feedback: Makes my world go round Summary: Written for fanfic100 prompt #82 - If. Dean visits Jess's grave
Dean's boots seemed heavy as he made his way, but it was nowhere near how heavy his heart was. He felt so guilty, he'd had to come.
He found the spot and looked down at the stone.
"I'm only here for Sammy," his voice was shaky as he spoke. "I know he feels better after visiting you. I don't believe in all of this, but, well, I'll do anything for Sammy.
He was my little brother long before he was your boyfriend. He was a mess after you died. I didn't know if I could pull him out of it, but I did.
I've loved being his big brother. But I screwed up and that's why I'm here.
I let Sam die, Jess. He died in my arms. He was dead for three days. I don't know if you got to see him in heaven or wherever we go from here. He doesn't recall anything about those three days. I didn't know if you and Sam got to live out some of your dreams before I called him back to my world.
He's my little brother and I could not face living without him. I made a deal with a Crossroads Demon to get him back. All I wanted was to get him back. I didn't care about the cost.
Sam's dong his best to find a way to keep the Crossroads Demon from dragging me to hell when my year is up. Thing is, the search isn't going very well. I'll be going to hell and leaving Sammy here alone. I'm terrified of going to hell, even though I assure Sam that have accepted it and that I'd do anything to keep him safe. Truth is, I'm even more scared of leaving Sammy alone.
He had me to help him dig himself out of the depression he fell into after you passed. I obviously won't be there to help him after I pass. I've tried to surround him with our friends who wouldn't even need to be asked to help him. They love him that much. But, he doesn't have the special, close relationship with them that he had with me and you.
Sam told me once that he prays everyday. I'm trying to accept his beliefs as my own. If Sam is right, you're in heaven and you can look down here and see him. I don't know how much you can do besides look. That's where I need your help.
If you see Sam struggling, and I hate that I am putting him though this, but if you do, can you send someone to him? Can you reach him through a dream to encourage him to go on? Can you make one of our friends think of him when he's down and seek him out so that he isn't alone? Can you fill his dreams with good memories instead of the ones he'll have of me being taken?"
Dean hadn't realized he was crying until he saw the drops on Jess's headstone and looked up to see a cloudless California sky. He hastily brushed them away, determined to finish what he'd come to say.
"Bobby lives at the scrap yard and it's as close as we've come to having a home. I don't know if he ever told you about Bobby. Probably not, since he didn't want to share hunting with you. Anyhow, I think Bobby would be the best one to get through to Sam. Our Mom died long ago. Our Dad and Pastor Jim are gone now, too. Ellen might be able to help. She has a good heart and motherly vibe to her. She put me in my place a time or two, and she's not a person for nonsense, but she's been warm to Sam. Those are the best people to help Sam after I'm gone.
He still misses you, by the way. We've met some girls along the way with our travels. A couple were sweet on Sam, but Madison is the only one Sam had feelings for. She'd have been a good resource, no offense to you, but she'd dead now, too.
I don't know if Sam will come here after I'm taken. I hope that he will reach out, but you know our Sammy. He tends to hold feeling inside. If you could somehow see into his heart, see what's going on with him, and somehow make it right, he could get over losing me and heal. I've tried to encourage him to get back into normal life when I'm gone. He should go back to college and law school. He should meet a nice girl and have a family. I know that is what he wants. But, in this twisted world we grew up in, he thinks he needs to keep hunting. There are other hunters who can take care of the evil out there. I want Sammy safe and happy. I think you want that, too.
Well, I guess I don't know what I expected to accomplish coming here. I just wanted to ask for your help, if you are able to. I also want to say I'm sorry for taking Sam away from you that weekend. I wonder how different it would be if I hadn't asked him to come with. I'm sorry for the fear and pain you felt, not being able to understand what was happening. It is the same way that our Mom died, and my Dad couldn't save her."
Dean looked off at the scenery, the trees against the blue sky.
"I suppose that is all I came to say. Please help Sammy any way you can. After everything that has changed in his life, he's still the same Sammy."
Dean turned and felt a little lighter as he made his way back to the Impala. He hoped against hope that Sam would find a way out of the mess Dean had gotten himself into. Realistically, he needed to prepare Sammy to be able to live without him, if there was a way to teach someone that.