Sam's Visit Part two of two
Title: Sam's Visit Part Two of Two Author: myguys_sam_dean Rating: R Characters: Sam, Dean Dislcaimer: I don't own 'em, I just play with 'em. Feedback: Absolutely! Summary: Written for fanfic100 prompt #064 Fall. Sam visits Jess's grave for the second time, after season two's episode Heart.
It was autumn and the leaves crunched under Sam's feet. They'd been hunting in California and when Sam asked Dean to bring him to see Jessica, Dean just nodded. He didn't ask why because he knew what Sam had gone though after her death. If visiting a cemetery was going to make Sam feel better, Dean would take him there. Although he didn't understand the compulsion to visit a slab of granite, he'd do anything to take care of Sam.
The breeze had a chill to it and Sam zipped up his jacket. He'd asked Dean to wait in the car for him, but he'd heard the Impala's door slam. Dean was probably leaning against the car keeping a eye on Sam. He knew Dean would stay by the car out of respect for Sam. Dean would grant him the privacy that their lives rarely afforded. As much as Dean would like to be reassured that he knew all about what had happened with Jessica, that Sam wasn't keeping secrets anymore, it was more important to him to be supportive of Sam. He knew Sam kept some memories close to his heart and didn't share them. He trusted Sam to know which ones were imperative that he share.
With his hands stuffed in his pockets, he made his way on the familiar path that he had traveled so many times in his dreams since they got to California. Sam had known he had to come. It had been like Jessica was softly calling to him.
Sam bent to pick the leaves off her headstone. Her face smiling back at him looked as it always had. It was something that would never change, even as he grew older. She was still his Jessica, frozen in time.
"Hey, Jess," his voice was cracking. "I miss you. If you've been watching me from heaven, like I hope you are, I'll bet you're very confused." Sam's face screwed up as he tried to think of a way to explain his life. "I never told you about hunting because I wanted to keep you safe. I also wanted you to keep loving me, so I guess that's another reason right there. Sometimes I wonder, if you had known the truth about me and my past, would you still have loved me the way you did? Would it have sent you running in the other direction? I have nightmares sometimes about you finding out about hunting and leaving me. Not like when you died and didn't have a choice. You'd heard about my past and decided to leave me. I wake up with tears on my cheeks and a sob caught in my throat. Dean's great about it. I know he notices, but he never brings it up.
I was always faithful to you. The thought of straying never crossed my mind. My life was so complete with you. It was more than I could have ever asked for. But, I met someone in San Francisco named Madison. She was smart and funny and, well, I spent the night with her. She's the only one since you've been gone, I swear.
I didn't want you to think that you were any less important to me or that your memory had started to fade. I had a connection with her and I think I could have loved her. She was a werewolf and I had to save her by killing her. I couldn't let her live, tortured by the thought of what she might do, just so that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I miss her, too. She never took your place, she had her own. You both left holes in my heart, even though the voids are different, not the same."
Sam paused a minute as he got lost in thought. "Shooting someone you think you could love, that has to be one of the most twisted realities that I've had to live with. I've always argued gray areas of hunting while Dean has seen them more as black and white. My gray area got all screwed up when emotions got involved. Dean just gets to a gray area when he gets emotional. He'd never admit that emotions affected hunting, but I've seen them. He gets to the point where he sees a little gray and I fall headlong deeper into the gray when we allow ourselves to feel. We're just built a little different that way, I guess.
I'm sorry that I never told you about the dreams I had of your death, Jess. I wanted to be normal. I couldn't admit to myself that they could be anything more than just nightmares. I never would have kept them secret if I had known . . . I would have found a way to tell you, even if it meant that you might leave me. I never thought . . . I just wanted . . ." Sam could feel his chest tightening up and his heart pounding. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. The tears were freely flowing but at least the lump in his throat eased a bit.
Sam heard someone walking towards him and knew without looking that it was Dean. He wouldn't come close enough to hear Sam's voice, but he wanted to be close if Sam needed him.
Sam wiped at his tears, "I will always love you. But, I also need to live, and I think you understand that. Being with Madison, I didn't feel like I was cheating on you. Still, I was scared that you might think so. I think you'd want me to be happy, so I am adding that to my list in addition to just living.
You made my life wonderful. It's tragic that we ended so soon. The way you died was absolutely awful. I can only hope that you didn't feel pain. I'd seen fear in your eyes, and I wish I could take that feeling away. I never meant for you to feel anything but safe and loved.
Well, I have to get going. I spend most of time seeing America through a windshield. It's not for everyone, but I like it. I love you and miss you, Jess. I'll never forget you."
Sam turned and started to make his way to the car, wiping his face on his sleeve. Dean put his hand on Sam's shoulder as he walked back with him. Dean didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. Just the fact that he was there with his hand on Sam's shoulder was comforting. Since Dean couldn't just take the pain away, it was all that he could do.