Lily Evans (emerald_eyes) wrote in expresslogs, @ 2012-03-05 21:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !open, !plot, lily evans, {albus potter |
A Frank, One-Sided Discussion
Characters: Lily, open
When: Monday after dinner
Location: Kitchen
Warnings/Rating: horrible, angst-ridden hallucinations.
Summary: Lily has a chat with a friend who isn't there
Status: Open, ongoing
While they had dishwashers, sometimes there was just something ... nice about actually washing them by hand. She let the dishwashers handle the plates and silverware and the like, but she'd taken to cleaning the pots and pans and serving dishes. They'd all fallen into a rhythm in the kitchen, herself and the dinner volunteers, and they rarely bumped into each other or got into one anothers way. She did have to admit it was nice to have the company, but there were times too when it was nice to just ... be alone with her hands in soapy water, watching her thoughts chase each other in circles. She was a bit tired of the circles her thoughts were running in though. So far, she'd managed to neatly dance around her issues, but ... there were some bright men paying attention to her, and sooner or later, things were going to come to a head. If she left it alone, it wasn't going to be on her terms, but at the same time, she had no idea what to say. What she even felt. Where to start about it that wouldn't send James and Sirius chasing after Severus with their wands drawn. The bottom line was ... she'd changed. In the three months she'd been on the train, she'd grown. She'd learned things she shouldn't have, she knew things she didn't want to, but the fact was, she did know those things, and it did shed a new light on old ideas. She'd fallen easily enough into the arms of her friendship with Severus, so it wasn't such a stretch to think all the old feelings she'd buried would surface soon enough. Especially since she already knew how he felt. He hadn't said anything, or acted on it, but she thought she saw it all the same. Maybe she only saw it because she thought it was there. Why? Because Jaime said Harry had said. She didn't doubt it, not really, but it shouldn't matter one way or the other. But it did matter, didn't it? Lily shook the soap off her hands after she'd pulled the plug to let the sink drain. As she turned away, she jumped in surprise at seeing a familiar face there. A smile broke across her lips, effectively banishing her thought cycle for the moment. "When did you get here?" She asked, emerald eyes bright. Mary shrugged. "You missed your wedding. We came looking for you." Lily's smile dissolved into a frown as she shook her head. "No," she said softly. "No, we don't ... we don't vanish. I was there. I married him." "No you didn't." Mary took a couple of steps closer, her fingertips trailing over the counter-top. "You don't want to anyway though, do you?" "Of course I do," she protested, looking away. She'd always been a horrible liar, and at the moment, she knew she was lying to herself. She wondered if she was hallucinating, and she assumed that she was, but at the same time, she couldn't think of a way to stop it. Maybe, for all that, she didn't really want to. "No you don't. You did once. You did, and it was for the pettiest of reasons. You just wanted to hurt him. To make him feel like you felt the day he--" "Stop!" Lily shouted. "Don't. Don't you dare." "It's true isn't it? You act like some sort of kind-hearted Samaritan, but inside, perfect little Lily is just as petty as the rest of us. You knew the one thing you could do that would hurt him the most, and you did it. That's all it was. That's all it ever was." "No," Lily replied. "No, that's not all it was. I did love him. I do," she insisted. "And that's why it only took you two months to think about cheating on him? If that's your idea of love, Lily Evans, they're all better off without it." "But I didn't! I didn't do anything." Lily looked around the kitchen, for a moment blinded to the exits. There was a way out, there had to be, but she couldn't see it. "It ... it wasn't like that. He wasn't here then, and I didn't think he ever would be." "And now that he is?" She had no answer for that. She'd been stuck on that since he'd shown up. She'd been pleased to see him, of course, but that had faded too quickly into this mental turmoil she had now. "I'm different," she said finally. "I don't ... feel the same now." For no reason she could really fathom, save that the conversation was already surreal, she spoke quietly: "For that way madness lies." Maybe that was the heart of it. Maybe she'd simply come to associate her relationship with James with her death. Maybe she couldn't feel the way about him now that she had before she'd known, because she knew what her future with him held: an early death and an orphaned son. She had said, hadn't she, she'd change it anyway she could? The idea of not marrying him had been one she'd played with, but everything was different now. It was a convoluted, twisted knot of unbendable wires, and she saw no way out, easy or otherwise. But things couldn't stay like this forever. Eventually, something was going to break. The dam was going to crack, and the flood was going to wash over all of them. She just hoped they all survived it. Lily turned, her lips parted as she drew breath, but Mary was gone. |