william herondale. (hatesducks) wrote in expresslogs, @ 2012-10-13 18:11:00 |
|
|||
While Will had been pleasantly surprised at his sudden return of memories, it was short lived. He immediately fell into a more restless dark mood. His budding feelings with Tessa had obviously been something he couldn’t avoid even with whatever amnesia he had upon arrive on the train. Now things were more complicated. But old habits die hard, and his first order of business had been to speak with Magnus regarding his curse -- why had he never really thought of doing something like that before on the train? It still proved to be futile since Magnus had informed him that even if their agreement from before was valid, he couldn’t summon demons anyway. Will was properly unfortunate. The curse was far more than a nuisance, it was a hurdle into everything. Angry, Will had become morose. Even books failed to provide his usual escape for comfort. The curse’s hinderance was tenfold here on the train. He was always spending time pushing away all the strangers by default; Jem, but Jem was always his vice and his virtue, being pulled in two different directions but never finding a resolution on the least painful way to go; and Jace, on sheer principle. The memory of throwing away Tessa’s affections had rung heavy in his mind now. He couldn’t continue to do this. He couldn’t continue to let go of more and more of himself, the good and the true bits that he wanted so desperately to keep. The curse was killing the William Herondale he wanted to be. He was giving in to a false pretense, a half life as he had once told Jem. Will didn’t know how long he had been sitting there in the dark. Naturally, he would have poke fun at the idea of a person brooding in the solitude of darkness but the absence of distraction gave him time to think. He could reconvene his thoughts. His feelings for Tessa, now blossoming in all its incessant glory was letting his mind wander. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t think. He needed Jem, but then couldn’t have him at the same time. He found himself lying more now to hide his hideous curse than being honest. But honesty could make everything worse. He hated that he couldn’t confide in the only person who understood him. And Jem understood without knowing. But how much farther could he push Jem away before Jem would no longer come back? He was only lucky that the train was only so many cars long. Jem didn’t have much of a choice. And neither did Will. The light from the door opening was unwelcome, as Will held up his hand to shield himself from it. The only person who ever entered the room without knocking was Jem -- with good reason -- but Will wasn’t ready to face him, especially not after the news that Magnus was unable to provide. The unwillingness to lie to his parabatai was threatening everything he had created, and Will felt suffocated. He needed to leave. “I was just leaving,” Will said, as he stood. Perhaps his tone was far too cold than he normally gave to Jem. |