Percy Jackson (_perseus_) wrote in expresslogs, @ 2012-09-20 15:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | percy jackson, {luke castellan |
WHO: Luke Castellan and Percy Jackson
WHAT: Talking...and arguing
WHEN: After Luke's thread with Thalia
WHERE: The kitchen
WARNINGS: Low
STATUS:: Closed/Complete!
Luke didn't seem to realize that just because he was healed, he wasn't completely healthy yet. Well. He was healthy as could be, he supposed, but his strength hadn't returned to where it should. It was fitting, he supposed, since it was his weak spot that he'd gotten. He only hoped that it would improve more quickly. He'd been laying low and hanging out on the train. After his last trip into Shanghai, he hadn't really wanted to see anybody or do much-- Thalia's revelations and their brief conversation had shaken him a bit more than he cared to admit. He had supplies stashed away for himself and the demigods in his bunk; it seemed that even now he couldn't not look out for the younger ones.
With a pain still at his side, Luke had trekked down to the infirmary car to see what he could find so far as help for the ache. That done, he was a bit hungry, so he made his way down to the kitchens to find something to eat. He was just sitting down in the near-empty dining car with a sandwich when he heard the door open and he looked up, not entirely pleased to see Jackson enter. Well. He supposed they'd have to see each other at some point.
Percy was smiling when he entered the dining car - a smile that faded quickly when he saw who was in it. His hand instinctively went to Riptide, and although he did not draw the sword, it would only take seconds. He'd known he was going to have to face Luke at some point - the train simply wasn't big enough for them both to exist on it and never interact. But he'd hoped it wouldn't be quite so soon. Ah well. He'd faced more dangerous monsters...maybe.
"Luke," he said in greeting, breaking the silence and forcing himself to come all the way into the room, not removing his hand from the hilt of his word. Luke was too good to give him the benefit of the doubt on that. "How are you feeling?"
Luke lifted an eyebrow as Percy immediately went to his sword. Honestly. Give a dude a weapon and he just wants to swing it around like he owns the place. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes- barely- he took another bite of his sandwich. He'd have to play nice, if only for Annabeth and Thalia. "Better, I suppose. Still in pain, but I imagine that's to be expected."
He motioned toward Riptide at Percy's side. "I'm not armed, so you can relax a bit, if you wanted."
Percy clenched his fist as he crossed his arms awkwardly over his chest. His reflexes were on high alert tonight, not trusting Luke at all, despite what Thalia had told him. There was just too much bad blood there for Percy to forgive and forget just yet. When he was dead...well, it was far easier to just forget about the bad things he'd done and concentrate on the good. But now, with Luke standing there, perfectly alive (what did THAT do to the prophecy, anyway?), he couldn't help but be, well, angry. But he was Annabeth's friend, and Thalia's, and he was quite sure that nobody'd think it was cool if he finished the job for him.
"Hmm," he said with a shrug. "You did stab yourself in your weak spot. Can't imagine it felt good. Of course, I'm pretty sure being bitten by a pit scorpion didn't feel good, either. Or being poisoned by your best friend, or having to hold up the world, or, well, any of the things that you've done to me and people I love. So, really, Luke, you more than deserve it."
"So much anger," Luke replied coolly, clicking his tongue as he set his sandwich down. Really, did Percy have to ruin his appetite today, too? "You'd best be careful with that- someone might take advantage of it." He folded his own arms across his chest as he leaned back in his seat. "I never said I didn't deserve it. You asked how I was, and I told you I was sore. Do you honestly think that I don't feel guilty every day for what I did? That I don't remember everything I did because of Kronos? Because of my own anger? You have absolutely no right to judge me, Jackson. I didn't ask to come back. I didn't ask to be here. But I am. And I am trying to make amends, though I know that nothing is ever going to make up for those deaths."
"You're right," Percy said simply. "It isn't."
But, in the same vein, there was nothing more Luke could do or say. Words wouldn't bring back the dead, or end the hurt that he had caused. And holding grudges wasn't Percy's flaw. He'd leave that to Nico. Percy sighed, relaxing slightly, his sea-green eyes examining the older boy closely. He'd considered him a friend once, looked up to him, even. It was...sad in a way, to see how far he'd fallen. But it wasn't entirely his fault. Being a halfblood...well, Percy knew how difficult that could be. How alone you could feel...how abandoned. Even if you weren't.
"You shouldn't have been so hard on your dad," he said, the thought popping into his mind suddenly. Probably not the best thing to say, actually, but it was out, now.
"Maybe I shouldn't have been. But I was. And I don't know that I can do anything to change that. I never knew him- how was I supposed to know he cared? All those years I spent trying to protect Annabeth and Thalia- it might have been different. I don't know. I suppose it doesn't matter now, after everything's all said and done." Luke picked up his sandwich, bringing it up for another bite. He didn't want Percy to see how agitated he was, but the younger boy could probably tell. "Are you just going to stand there and stare, or get yourself some food and join me?"
"I think we - most of us, anyway - are willing to forgive you. We want to forgive you, Luke, whether you believe that or not. "
He paused, taking a bite of his sandwich in order to give himself a few minutes to think through what he needed to say.
"I think...we all really looked up to you. And we trusted you - I know I did, and Annabeth probably did even more. And it's going to take time to trust you again, to get over the fact that you betrayed us. But I think...if you don't do it again...that we can. Well, all of us except Nico," he shrugged, as if that was an obvious fact.
He nodded when Luke changed topics, glad for the reprieve.
"Oh? What did you get?"
Luke wasn't entirely sure that he believed Percy, but he said nothing, finishing the first half of his sandwich and reaching for a couple of chips to pop into his mouth.
"Mmm. A little of everything that I could think of. Food, clothes, medicine, entertainment. It's not a bad stash, though it took a couple of days to get it all."
"I suppose I don't want to know how you got it?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. With Luke's "talents", Percy was pretty sure that he hadn't had to bother with the hotwired ATM.
He finished his sandwich, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"That's good, anyway. We should..." he hesitated, then continued. "We should all get together, you know. Me, you, Thalia, Annabeth, Nico...for dinner or something."
"It's probably best that you don't," he replied, offering a grin. Sure, he had tampered with an ATM, but his talents led to many more interesting ways.
His smile faded as Percy mentioned dinner. "I..that may not be the best idea. Not yet."
Percy looked at Luke in surprise. He knew that they'd had their moments of not getting along, but he was pretty sure that Luke, Annabeth and Thalia were like...well...family. It had always made him a little jealous, how Annabeth had thought about the time they'd all spent together before they found Camp Halfblood.
"Uh, okay," he said with a shrug. "Just thought they were your friends, that's all. And thought we should stick together."
"I- no, that's- they are. I just..I doubt Thalia wants to see me any time soon, and the tiny one- well. Give us all a little time, maybe? See how things go?" Luke shrugged, then picked up the other half of his sandwich, taking another bite. "I, uh. I kissed Thalia. In Shanghai. She punched me in the face."
"'Tiny one'? You mean Nico?" Percy raised an amused eyebrow at that. "I doubt he'd appreciate that particular description. What's the problem with Nico? Have you talked to him?"
His eyes went wide at the next part, though, in amazed and slightly horrified awe.
"You tried to kiss Thalia? You know she's a Hunter of Artemis, right? Because of you? I think...well, Luke, if Annabeth had done that to me, I think I would have gotten the point."
"Yeah, Nico. He's already tried talking to me- don't think he likes me much for cheating death. Like I had any choice in the matter. I tried to finish the deal." Luke lifted a shoulder in a shrug.
"Well, yeah, I know that now. Why d'you think I said to wait on dinner together? I haven't seen her since it happened."
"Well, you did kid of cheat death," he said with a shrug. "And he's still bitter over your involvement in Bianca's death. And that kid...knows how to keep a grudge. He hated me for a year because I broke my promise to keep his sister safe. And I did everything I could. But you can't avoid him forever. He has a habit of showing up wherever he wants to whenever he wants to. Shadow travel is creepy."
"I just...can't believe you did that. Are you that dense? I mean, I'm hardly brilliant when it comes to women, but really? A girl has a fight with you and gives up your entire gender forever, and you think she might want to kiss you? And I thought you were so smooth when I first met you."
He couldn't help but smile at that, even if it was at Luke's expense.
"I can believe that," Luke replied. "The idea of it's always made me nervous." He finished his sandwich and then finished off his soda.
"It wasn't like I was thinking! I just sorta..did." Luke frowned, then moved to toss his trash in the bin. "It's different with Thalia."
"I did it once, on a hell hound," he said, remembering "The day we went to Connecticut to - " Percy swallowed. It would probably not be a good idea to go there. He could hope that Luke had missed that, and if not, well, he sucked at lying, but he'd try to get out of it somehow. "Anyway, it was kind of...creepy. But fast."
He finished his soda, putting the can back on the table.
"Not for her, apparently. And she can't break her vow to a goddess, obviously. If you want a girlfriend, you're going to have to find someone else."
"I didn't do it expecting anything, alright? I know it's hopeless, and I know nothing I say or do can or will change what she's chosen. I'm not asking her or expecting her to break any vows or to change anything she's done, alright?" Luke glared at Percy, wondering why on earth he'd even bothered trying to share anything with him. "Forget it. I'm out of here."
"Luke, wait - " Percy said quickly. He hadn't meant to upset him that much. Well...maybe he had, but not really. "Look," he said, pushing his plate away from him and looking up at the older boy. "This isn't easy on any of us, okay? For better or worse, you're supposed to be dead. And you hurt a lot of people. I...guess it's good you're not dead, but you can't expect us to all be jumping for joy right away, okay? You hurt a lot of people - your friends the most. We trusted you. Looked up to you, even. When I first got to camp - well, never mind, okay?"
He shook his head, frustrated by this whole thing, frustrated that he couldn't get through to Luke -
"We're on this train together, no matter if we want to be or not, okay? And I know you hate me. You want to kill me. I know that. You've tried enough times and I'm not that dense. Don't know why you hate me, but I get it, okay? But we've got to try to get along. For Annabeth, if no one else."
"I know what I did, okay?" Luke exclaimed, throwing his soda can into the bin where it clanged and dropped in. "Do you think I don't ask myself every single day why I'm still here and not tortured somewhere in the underworld? Do you think I don't know that I should be dead and not every single demigod and innocent I let Kronos kill?"
He shoved the chair he'd been sitting in back toward the table, resisting the urge to give it a sound kick. Percy's words hit close to home than he cared to admit and it was bad enough that he was getting this upset over it all. "They're doing it to torture me. Death would have been the easy way out. It's just the gods getting back to me, abandoning me again, making me watch-" He broke off, frustrated. "Forget it. It doesn't matter."
His hands went roughly into the pockets of the hoodie he wore. "I'll try to be more civil. For the girls."
"You know," Percy said, standing himself, although Luke was still taller than he was. His sea-green eyes narrowed as he looked at Luke, still ranting about how unfair things were, about how he'd been abandoned again. Even after everything, had he still not learned?
> "Poor Luke's the victim again, is that it? Always people doing things to you, Luke. Titans picking on you. Gods abandoning you. Do you ever taken any responsibility yourself? Do you ever look at yourself and say "wow, that was my fault! And have you ever thought that the gods aren't abandoning you - they're just giving you a second chance?! To make things right? But if all you're going to do is sit around and talk about how much the world is still picking on you..."
He took a step back, running both hands through his hair, and trying to keep his cool. HIs whole body was trembling with anger, and with the battle reflexes that were steeling themselves for this confrontation, not realizing that Percy intended to keep it strictly verbal.
"I have so much guilt in me, Luke. For all the times I've failed. For all the people I've let down. For all the people who've died when it should have been me. And that's never going away. Never, okay? And I know I didn't kill Bianca di Angelo. And I know I didn't kill Zoe. Or Silena. Or Beckendorf. Or...any of the good people who died. But their deaths are still on my shoulders, because they trusted me, and they died believing in me, in our quests, in what we were doing. I didn't ask for this. For any of this. Neither did you. But you've got to take responsibility for your actions, Luke. You've got to be the brave person I thought you were and just..."
He couldn't think of how to finish the sentence. He was so frustrated, so angry, so...he felt the tug in his stomach, and heard the water in the pipes gurgling and put his fingers to his temples as he took a deep breath, calming himself. It wouldn't do to flood the kitchen because he was furious at Luke.
"Making you watch what, Luke?" he asked, and even he was surprised by how tired his voice sounded.
"That isn't - dammit-" Luke clenched his fists in his pockets. He was angry and guilty and he had no idea how he was supposed to proceed. He could understand the guilt Percy talked about. He knew fear and responsibility and in a moment of weakness, of selfishness, he had thrown it all away. "I'm not who you all think I was. I've already shown that. I don't deserve to be here, and I sure as Hades don't deserve forgiveness. I'm going to walk away right now, Jackson, and its probably best if you don't follow me."
"Are you sure you aren't?" Percy asked, staring at him unblinkingly. "Because I think you are. I think that is who you are. The guy who saved Annabeth. Who made sure she got to camp safely. The guy who was head of the cabin that took care of all the lost children, who made sure that we all felt welcome, even when we were lost, and scared, and abandoned. That was you, Luke. I looked up to you so much. I wanted to be like you, someday."
He shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets, the tiredness entering his voice again.
"Look, Luke. It's not about who deserves what. It's not about forgiveness. It's about doing the best with what you're given. And of looking forward, instead of back. Annabeth...you're like a brother to her. And she needs you more than she'll ever admit." He smiled slightly. "You know how she is about needing anyone. And...whatever I've done that's made you hate me...can you just...try to be here for her? Please, don't let her down again."
Luke wasn't sure that he was. He might have been, once upon a time, but not anymore. He was quiet as Percy spoke, eyes closing at the mention of Annabeth. "I'll try."
That was all he'd allow himself to say, his voice tired and he really just wanted to get out of there. Lifting a shoulder in a shrug, he stepped around Percy in the direction of the exit.