Emma Swan (swanemma) wrote in expresslogs, @ 2012-09-14 12:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | emma swan |
Characters: Emma Swan (narrative)
When: Backdated to Wednesday evening.
Location: Shanghai
Warnings/Rating: None really.
Summary: Emma has a breakdown that she has been holding off on for a while over everything that has been happening to her.
Status: Closed.
After checking on Henry to make sure he was alright, Emma told him that if he needed anything to go see Charming, Snow, the huntsman, Ella, or Thomas cause she was heading off for a bit. As much as Emma didn’t want to leave Henry on the train alone, she needed to get off for a bit to think. If anything serious went down she knew people would get in touch with her. Emma had no idea when the train was going to stop in such a nice place again that she really wanted to explore before being stuck back in the train from hell. The feeling of being trapped was not something she enjoyed feeling when she spent most of her life moving around. For a while, she was in the system, but once she hit sixteen she was on the streets and bouncing around that she never really had one place to called home. Leaving the train a bit before it was completely dark in a shirt, jeans, and her leather jacket over her arm since she wasn’t sure what the weather was like around here at night. Emma had a place in mind and that place was down by the water. It was quite a ways off, but once she managed to get to the water, she walked off so that she was away from people and was alone. Once she was a good distance away, she moved to sit on the ground, setting her jacket down to the side, and pulling her legs up to rest her arms on her knees. Emma needed to get away from the train, from the people on it, and be alone with her thoughts. Everyone was seeing her look fine like she had it all together, but she kept her mind busy by keeping herself busy. The last thing she was going to do was have a breakdown around people because that showed weakness something she taught herself to never show. Only person who had seen her at that point was August, but she didn’t want anyone else seeing her like this. Emma knew she had people on the train she could trust. The problem was she had a hard time breaking old habits, which her biggest issue was trusting only herself. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she had other issues causing the problem besides only counting on herself. Her whole life had been turned upside down, but she never realized how much until Henry went into the hospital. Emma now remembered everything and she hadn’t found herself the chance to let everything soak in. All of her life she believed in one thing only to find out everything she believed was pretty much wrong. Her thoughts were all over the place as she allowed herself to try and enjoy the view, wiping away tears that she would never allow to fall around people. Alone? Yes, because she wasn’t going to care if she cried, but she tried to act like she was unbreakable and tough around other people. Huntsman was the only other person who saw her at a low point and that was when she first showed up here. All her life she thought that no one cared about her. Her own parents left her on the side of a road with no care as to whether she ended up dead or something. That was all a lie. August had been the boy that found her cause he came through the tree like her from fairy tale world. Or the fact she thought she had a family who loved her, but they brought her back because they had their own family that was starting up. What was so wrong with her? Why didn’t anyone want her? Those questions in her head caused her to start crying as she hugged her legs to her body. Regina wanted to take out all her pain on everyone else over something so stupid. Snow was only a child who wanted to help. Regina had been a grown woman who ruined Emma’s life but no one saw Emma going on the war path or at least she hadn’t been until the woman started with her. August left her to take care of herself that no one really knew the life she had. Emma did what she had to just to survive since that was all that mattered. Regina was right Emma had never been in loved or the two people who said that to her ended up tossing her back into the system like she was a piece of trash. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back as she tried to stop herself from crying but she was failing. The thing that really upset her was how a whole town was counting on her even her parents had been counting on Emma to come save them. No one counted on Emma for anything because she only watched out for herself, but they all were. Her parents sent her to a different world with the hopes that she would return when she was twenty-eight and she wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for Henry, her son. Emma never thought she would see that boy again once she gave him up since she wanted him to have a family she never had and get the best chance in life. If Emma had kept him, she would have screwed him up and never been the type of mother he deserved. How could she when she never had a mother? He deserved the best chance and it wasn’t with her. Every day she thought about the boy she gave up, but she knew it had been for the best. Did she ever expect to see him again? Not in a million years, but Henry showed up on her doorsteps. The kid proved from the beginning that he was a lot like her, which was a little scary and amusing at the same time. If it hadn’t been for him, Emma never would have known about Storybrooke or had a reason to stay. Then again her reason to stay was cause something about Regina was off from the moment Emma met her, but she couldn’t figure out if it was her issue of trusting anyone or cause something was wrong. As much as Emma hated staying in one place she found some pluses to the whole thing like getting to know her son and finding that she could love someone. Henry had no idea until recently, but she found that she loved her son who she gave up. Her biggest fear was that she would let the boy down or prove that she wasn’t cut out to be in his life. The fact he kept coming back to her or even now on this train he wanted to spend time with her. Why? She had no idea but she was happy that he did since she wanted to fight for him. Wiping her eyes, she took a deep breath, sighing softly. Everyone in Storybrooke had Henry to thank for her showing back up. Even Emma had to thank him cause he helped her in the task she tried for so many years to achieve and that was locating her parents. Emma meant what she said to Mary Margaret back in Storybrooke how she was the first person to care about her and watch out for her. Who knew that was because the woman was Emma’s mother? Emma sure as hell didn’t. The same woman offered up a room in her place to Emma when she was a complete stranger and did more than just that for someone she didn’t even know. All the thoughts of how she had been around her mother for the past few months without even realizing it or believing it was a scary thought. All Emma wanted to do was scream, hit someone, and drink but she knew that wouldn’t solve a damn thing at the moment. The biggest concern of hers or more worry was that she was going to fail when everyone was expecting something from her. Yes, she had somehow broken the curse, but she wasn’t even sure how. From what the huntsman told her along with what she read in the book her parents were two great people. Charming and Snow were something special where Emma was scared to death of being a disappointment in their eyes. They were good people, she wasn’t. Why would they want a daughter like her? No one had any idea of this fear or even knew what was going on cause she hid it. Though she found herself afraid to let Snow or Charming get close cause they might reject her like everyone else did while she was growing up. For once she was allowing those fears to slip into her thoughts instead of pushing them aside, which made her eyes well up. They deserved a better daughter than her. She wasn’t anything special and she wanted to run when things got tough. When August told her the truth all she wanted to do was run away from Storybrooke with her son. Her parents would have fought, but she was a coward. Emma wasn’t even sure if she could take rejection from her own parents even when her walls were up because she kept waiting for it. People made her out to be something special when she wasn’t. Even the huntsman who was the first person she started to feel something for thought she was something special. He was a good guy who deserved a good girl and that wasn’t her. If he knew the real her, he would probably run for the hills. Maybe being alone was how Emma Swan was meant to be. Before that thought would have seemed like the smartest way to go only she found that thinking about being alone hurt for some odd reason. Emma didn’t want to be alone or at least not as alone as she had been pretty much all her life. Regina was right on how Emma gave up custody on Henry, but she had to find a way to get that custody back after everything Regina did to him, to his family, and to everyone he knew it was the right thing to do. Regina didn’t deserve to be a mother, especially with the shit she had pulled while Emma was in town. Even if she let her parents down on the type of person she was she knew she would deal. The person she couldn’t let down though was Henry. Only problem was Emma didn’t think she was cut out to be a mother. Did Henry even want Emma as his mother? Was it fair to make him decide where he wanted to go? Emma hated herself at the moment because now she felt like she was ruining a boy’s life by being around. Resting her head on her knees, she sobbed to herself just wishing that she knew what to do because she had no idea anymore. Life was so much easier when she felt like she had no one, but herself. Ryan had been right she didn’t know anything about family. Henry deserved a family and she would let him decide what he wanted. If he wanted Regina, she would support it and if he wanted Emma, she would fight like hell to keep him. But if he decided to stick with Emma could she be a mother? She never had one that she wasn’t even sure where to start. What if she turned out to be the worse mother in the world? Another sigh left her lips as she ran her fingers through her blonde hair. “You’re a strong woman, Emma,” she said aloud to herself as a way to get herself to stop crying. The best she could do was study all she could on custody matters and wait to see what Henry wanted. A small smile came over her lips as she realized what she would have to do before the train left. Emma would have to find a book store to get some books on the matter at hand so she knew if she even had a chance to win her son back. She knew she had to head back to the train even if she still felt like a mess, but she could stay here a bit longer until she knew she calmed herself enough that she could hide the fact she had been an emotional mess. Last thing she wanted was people to see that she was broken, weak, and an emotional mess. No, Emma would just enjoy the view while trying to calm herself down. Emma knew her thoughts would always be inside her head, but the fact that she managed to get away on her own to cry about them was the only way she knew to deal with them. Talking about them made her weak in her mind. Closing her eyes, she pushed all her thoughts away to listen to the water as she allowed the sounds to calm her. After a while she felt better or at least well enough to head back to the train with the plans to sleep in her room tonight. Emma would wake up early and pop over to Henry’s room, but tonight she wanted to be alone so no one saw her at a low point. Standing up slowly and grabbing her jacket, she pushed her blonde hair behind her ear before heading back for the train feeling slightly more relaxed than she had when she first came out here. Maybe thinking about it and crying about everything had helped in a way. |