innerslytherin (innerslytherin) wrote in ever_fixed_mark, @ 2008-06-02 21:51:00 |
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Current mood: | happy |
018: Reunion and Forgiveness
It felt like ages since Remus had seen Peter, which was ridiculous, really, but true. Letters weren't enough. They were never enough, but most especially when he hadn't touched Peter in anything more than a friendly way since the day he'd been cornered in the halls. The memory still made his stomach roll with fear at the idea they might have to deal with things like that the rest of their lives. It was a sort of looming dread that Remus liked to push away as quickly as he felt it.
Distance had helped, most certainly. He would never say what Peter did didn't bother him, but in Peter's absence, he'd wanted nothing more than to go back and take back all the mean things he'd said anyway. Time and distance had made things less sharp, less painful, less real almost, and when Mrs. Pettigrew said she'd let Peter set his own punishment and he was still punishing himself, it broke Remus' heart.
He showed up on Peter's doorstep just a few short days after getting her owl back and replying. He felt like he should have brought something with him, whether for Peter or his mum, he wasn't sure, but wound up empty handed anyway, and lifted his hand to knock.
Peter's mum answered the door and smiled. "Remus, I thought it might be you." She was thinner than she'd been at the funeral, and her hair was beginning to go white at the temples, but her pleasure at seeing him seemed genuine. She hugged him tightly.
It was an unexpected greeting, but it was nice, none the less, that she would hug him knowing what she knew about him, about him and Peter. Remus hugged her back, squeezing a little before he stepped back to smile at her. "You thought right. How are you?" he asked, masking his concern at her change in appearance.
"I'm very glad to have my boy here for the summer, and I'm very glad to see you." She held the door wide for him to come in and then closed it behind him. "And how are you? You're completely recovered, I hope?"
Merlin, Peter's mum was nice. She'd always been nice, but it seemed somehow more significant now than it did before. He nodded as he stepped inside. "Good as new, yes. And I've made up my exams, so no harm done, really." They'd nearly killed him, tried to kill him. Sometimes, when Remus said things like that, they sounded like utter thestral shite even to his own ears.
Phyllis raised her eyebrows. "Both Headmaster Dumbledore and my son agree that quite a bit of harm was done," she said. "But you've always been gentler than a lot of boys--pardon me, young men your age." She smiled a little wryly and tilted her head towards the kitchen. "Peter's in the kitchen trying to fix a drippy tap. Make him stop and take you down to the pub for a pint."
Remus was about to tell her there was really no use dwelling until she finished, and he gave he a shy smile before nodding. "Okay... um... thanks," he said softly, then turned and headed toward the kitchen. Pushing inside he found Peter lying on his back, with his upper body up under the sink, half inside a cabinet. Remus could tell even from this angle that Peter had lost weight. He let the door shut quietly and sneaked up to the cabinet, then squeezed himself half-way, too. "I think I see where your problem is," he said casually, looking seriously at the pipes. "It's right..." He met Peter's eyes and grinned. "...here," he finished, then met Peter's lips in a kiss.
Peter jumped, but he didn't have very far he could really go, especially with someone on top of him. "Merlin!" he breathed, staring at Remus. Then he dropped the spanner he'd been holding in one hand and his wand from the other and wrapped his arms around Remus, kissing him hard. How could Remus be here? Had he rung without Peter's finding out about it? Sudden happiness was bubbling up inside Peter, though it was warring with guilt since he hadn't had a chance to truly grovel yet.
Remus made a happy noise and sifted his fingers through Peter's hair, deepening the kiss. He had to tell his body not to overreact - it felt like ages since they'd kissed this way and Remus was reluctant to let go. He started to wrap his leg around Peter's but stopped himself. And then he remembered where they were and started to laugh, finally breaking away. "Okay, strangest place we've ever snogged. By far."
Peter laughed and beamed at Remus. "Only slightly stranger than a broom closet," he pointed out, and lifted his head until their lips were brushing. "And that was more than snogging," he breathed. He kissed Remus again hungrily. He would grovel. In a minute.
"I considered that for a moment, but I think these quarters are rather tight for that," Remus murmured. Merlin, he didn't want to take Peter out to a pub! He wished every home came with a Room of Requirement. His hands roamed Peter's chest before he thought to stop himself.
"Not to mention, my mum has been very understanding, but she might be a bit put out about the kitchen," Peter agreed, and kissed him again. "Oh, God, it's so good to see you. I've missed you so much." He tightened his arms around Remus and kissed him again. He really had very little desire to come out from under the sink suddenly.
"You think?" Remus asked, kissing Peter again. His fingers slipped through Peter's buttons, then he pulled them back. Don't molest your boyfriend under the bloody sink in your boyfriend's mum's kitchen! Remus was about to drag them out of the cabinet, so he wouldn't feel so safe and protected in their dark little place and stop trying to touch Peter, when Peter pulled him closer. "I missed you, too. I love you," he breathed.
Peter couldn't stop smiling. "I love you, I love you," he whispered. They really needed to get out from under the sink and somewhere more private. Though of course if they just went upstairs as soon as Remus got here, it would be incredibly obvious what they were doing. He didn't really like to think of his mum knowing they were snogging. "Oh, Remus."
Remus smiled at Peter, stroking his fingers through Peter's hair. "Mm, Peter," he hummed and kissed Peter again. He pulled away and licked his lips, and then started to drag himself back out from the cabinet. "C'mon."
"Think I'll wait until you're not crushing important parts of me," Peter said, letting Remus get out of the cabinet before he attempted to crawl out himself.
"Mmm, well, next time I won't greet you so intimately, then, if you're going to complain about crushing," Remus teased, then pushed out completely, avoiding the pipes. He sat back on the floor with his legs crossed and watched as Peter untangled himself from the cabinet. "We ought to snog in cabinets more often."
Peter grinned. "I just thought you might want to use those parts later," he murmured, then darted a guilty glance at the door. Oh, Merlin, he hoped his mother wasn't anywhere around. And then he realized that, since he was out of the cabinet and not being snogged, he ought to start grovelling. He ran his gaze over Remus, looking for any remaining sign of the attack. His smile faded.
Remus was about to reply when Peter went quiet, and Remus tilted his head at Peter thoughtfully when his expression changed. "It's okay."
"You're really all right?" Peter murmured, reaching out to touch a place he remembered being bruised.
Remus wondered how Peter meant that, if he meant physically or mentally, or if he meant all right with Peter. He curled his fingers around Peter's hand and kissed his knuckles. "All healed," he whispered.
"God, Remus, I'm so sorry," Peter said, his voice breaking. "I wasn't there, I couldn't protect you, I was so angry, I just--I just--all I could think about was hurting them, and I knew I shouldn't have done it, I just--" Oh, fuck, he was going to cry. He tightened his fingers around Remus' hand and pressed the other hand across his eyes. "I knew you'd be angry, I knew it, but all I could think was I could have lost you! I was angry and I was scared, and I'll never do anything like that again, I swear it, I won't--"
"Shh," Remus interrupted, and then scooted closer on the floor so he could wrap his arms around Peter and pull him close. "It's okay, I believe you. I know you're sorry."
"I shouldn't have done it, I knew it before I even left the hospital, but I was already planning it, and I just--I just wanted them to be so afraid of me, like I was afraid." Peter let out a choking sob and buried his face against Remus' shoulder. "And I hit them, I got them down, and then--then--I didn't know what to do, it was...I couldn't...and I tried Snape's spell, and the blood, God, Remus, the blood--I just--I just-- I can still see his blood!"
Oh God! This was not what Remus wanted to hear and he had to push aside the way his stomach twisted. The distance between them had made what happened seem less real and less awful, but now... He wanted to tell Peter to stop talking, because he didn't want to picture it, but Peter was crying and seemed so afraid. Remus latched on to that thought. He's afraid, he was afraid, once he did it he got scared, he didn't realise what he was doing until it was too late, but he knows that now. Remus held him tighter. "I forgive you," he whispered, though he felt a little ill. "Just don't, don't ever again, please."
"The dreams won't--" Peter finally stopped babbling as Remus' words broke through his guilt. He sucked in a breath and bit his lip. "You--you forgive me," he whispered. He leaned against Remus, breathing deeply. "You forgive me?" He wrapped his arms around Remus tightly.
Remus returned the squeeze and nuzzled Peter's hair, pleased that Peter was calming down, though, selfishly, he was also pleased Peter wasn't talking about it any more. "I do," he whispered.
Peter actually couldn't take a breath for a minute, the relief that washed over him was so strong. He slumped against Remus, squeezing his eyes shut. "I swear," he managed after a moment. "I swear, I'll never do anything like that again. I hate it. I hate how I felt. God, I've hated myself. Remus, Remus, thank you, I swear I won't."
Remus scooted as close as he could get so that they were pressed tighter against one another. "Shhh," he whispered, trying to calm Peter, though he couldn't help feel relieved at the promises Peter was making. He suddenly wanted to take Peter to bed just to touch him and hold him and be with him. "Thank you, thank you."
"You believe me, right?" Peter whispered. "You believe me? I'll do anything to make it right, Remus, anything." He breathed in Remus' scent and thought about how good it was just to be with Remus, to not have this horrible wall between them any more.
"I believe you." It still made his insides squirm, but Peter was remorseful and that was the best he could ask for. He really hadn't even gotten remorse this genuine from Sirius... which might have been why it had taken so much longer to forgive Sirius. Of course, he wasn't shagging Sirius, either. Remus sighed, feeling good to be holding Peter again. "I love you." I want to be with you, alone with you. I want to hold you all night.
Peter shivered and held on to Remus. "I love you. I love you, I'll always love you. I don't ever want to disappoint you again." He took another shuddery breath and wondered if his mum would say anything if they went upstairs instead of staying down here to finish working on the pipes. He just wanted to keep holding onto Remus, to have Remus' arms around him, promising they would last forever.
Remus' lips curved a bit and he buried his face against Peter's neck. "Thank you," he whispered again. "Your mum said you should take me for a pint," he managed, relief flooding him so fast he voice broke.
"Oh, Merlin, I'm not going out like this," Peter said, but he lifted his head and nuzzled Remus' hair. Belatedly it occurred to him to hope he hadn't got snot on him. "Unless--I mean, unless you want to go." He could stop snivelling eventually. He couldn't make himself let go of Remus.
"I want to be alone with you," Remus said immediately, even though he knew that would look bad.
"Fuck the pub, then," Peter whispered, and kissed Remus' head. "We'll go upstairs. I can...pretend I'm helping you unpack." And they could hope his mum would play along, for all their sakes.
Remus choked out a laugh and pulled back to look at Peter. "D'you-- d'you you think she'd believe that?"
"Well...she might pretend to," Peter replied, almost laughing himself. "God, I'm a mess, Remus, and you're not far behind. I think she'd be relieved if we hid in the house instead of going out like this."
"Okay." Remus nodded. "Okay, let's go."
Peter untangled himself from Remus and stood, holding a hand down to help him up. "I'm so glad you're here." And you've forgiven me. He headed for the door and paused, then pushed it open. "Mum?" The room was empty, so he shrugged and headed for the stairs.
As they were going up, she appeared above them, folding a sheet. "Oh, are you boys back already?" she said, glancing from Peter's face to Remus'. "That was fast."
Remus opened his mouth to answer (though he truthfully had no idea what to say), then shut it, nearly doing a double take when Mrs. Pettigrew winked at him and turned to walk away. He blinked at where she had been standing for a moment, forcing his jaw not to drop, and then quickly turned to Peter, took his hand, and started up the stairs again at a faster pace, pulling Peter behind him. He wasn't waiting around long enough for her to change her mind... or for Remus to realise he'd seen things.
Peter had started to answer, but she turned and left, so he shrugged and made a face at Remus. It was nice not to hear a comment about how horrible he looked for once. She'd spent the past few weeks alternating between asking if he wanted to talk about it and telling him he looked awful and ought to get some rest. But he'd given up on trying to rest because he kept dreaming about the attack. It was easier to not hate himself when he was working around the house.
He let Remus tug him into his bedroom and then shut the door, his shoulders sagging in relief.
Remus turned and pulled Peter into his arms right away and started walking them toward the bed. "I missed you. I missed being able to climb into your bed after everyone else was asleep." Of course, they hadn't done that in the last few weeks on school, but Remus missed it still.
"Yes." Peter had loved that time they spent together. He'd loved all the time they spent together, but he remembered the way it felt, curled up together, in their safe little cave of curtains. He'd felt so warm and comfortable. "I missed being able to hold you."
"Me too." Remus backed up to the bed and then climbed onto it, trying to ignore how weird it felt that he was climbing into Peter's bed without having to sneak in and knowing Mrs. Pettigrew knew, or had a pretty good idea. He tugged Peter toward him. "I think we have a lot of that to catch up on," he murmured.
Peter let out a shaky laugh and sat next to Remus. "I think you're right." He pushed his shoes off and then leaned down and tugged off Remus' shoes, too. He wondered if he might actually be able to sleep well with Remus next to him.
"Oh," Remus mumbled, "sorry." He let Peter toss his shoes down, then reached up and pulled Peter down against him, nosing Peter's hair and jaw.
"What're you sorry for?" Peter said, laughing and snuggling against Remus. Oh, God, it felt so good. "Just want to make sure we're comfortable. Um, but still decent." In case his mum knocked on the door. Which he thought she wouldn't do, hoped she wouldn't do. Merlin, how awkward. "We really need to find our home by the sea."
Remus grinned and nodded, brushing his fingers through Peter's hair. "We do," he whispered. They wouldn't have to sneak around to do this any more if they had their own place. "Have you got your test results back?" he asked, his tone soft and relaxed, not wanting to break the moment by talking too seriously.
"Nothing. I hate waiting. I thought they'd have sent them out by now." Peter nuzzled Remus' throat and brushed his lips across the skin, then rested his head on Remus' shoulder and tried to behave himself. "What about you? Your results should be faster than mine."
Remus automatically tilted his head back as Peter's lips brushed his skin, humming softly, then forced himself not to reciprocate. "Yeah. Took eight," he murmured, twining his leg with Peter's and kissing his hair.
"Eight, that's great, Remus," Peter said, smiling. He snuggled a little closer, closing his eyes. "I hope I managed the ones I need. God, I hope I get into the programme."
"You will. Promise." Remus stroked a reassuring hand over Peter's chest and hoped he was right. So much had happened right around that time. Maybe if Peter didn't take what he needed, he could re-sit them. "I love you." Peter felt thinner. Remus had noticed it before, but hadn't brought it up, or the fact that Peter looked tired. "Haven't been taking care of yourself."
Peter sighed. "I've just...you know, Mum's been keeping me busy. All that floor-scrubbing and cabinet-sanding." It occurred to him to hope his mum hadn't told Remus about the true nature of their arrangement this summer. He and Remus had both just expected his mum to set him the punishment, so Peter had let Remus keep thinking that. It was easier, somehow, than explaining things.
Remus nodded, and kept running his hands over every part of Peter that he could get away with that wouldn't cause too much excitement. He'd missed touching Peter so much. "Mmm, been keeping yourself busy, more like."
"Don't know what you mean," Peter said, his heart sinking. She'd snitched on him. "I'm just lucky she hasn't sent me to shovel dung."
"Peter."
Peter held in a sigh. "What."
"You know what." Remus pulled back to look at Peter.
The sigh escaped. "Oh, fine, keeping myself busy," he muttered. He didn't know why they had to talk about it.
Remus kissed Peter's lips gently, then his cheek and his forehead, murmuring, "You can't do that, you know, I need you to be healthy. I need you."
Peter shifted uncomfortably, despite liking Remus' lips against his skin. "Doesn't matter, haven't been sleeping much, that's all." Or eating much. But Remus didn't need to know that. Peter couldn't imagine he wanted to hear about Peter's nightmares. Or anything else to do with the attack, for that matter.
"Does matter." Peter seemed uncomfortable now, however, so Remus sighed heavily and dropped it, settling his head against Peter's shoulder.
Peter sighed again and stroked Remus' hair. "You don't really want to hear about it," he muttered. "It's...it'll get better." He hoped it would, anyway, now that Remus had forgiven him.
Remus hadn't wanted to hear about it, but now it bothered him that Peter was keeping things bottled up, keeping things from him. He frowned and pulled Peter closer, but kept quiet.
"I love you, Remus," Peter said after a while. "I'm so glad you're here. I'm so very glad."
"I know," Remus said, kissing Peter's shoulder. "Me too."
"How long can you stay?" Peter asked, turning his head to nuzzle Remus' hair.
Remus sighed and tried not to press, even if he was still bothered. "Your mum said she'd get the guest bedroom ready, so a day or two, if that's not too long."
"Too long?" Peter forced a laugh and tightened his arms around Remus. "Forever wouldn't be too long, let alone a day or two. Oh, Remus, I'm miserable without you. Can't sleep, I just feel all wrong." He kissed Remus hungrily.
Remus smiled faintly. "I meant for your mum," he said, and returned Peter's kiss, humming into it, then pulled back to look at Peter with a small crease between his brows. "Tell me," he whispered, after a moment, then stroked Peter's hair. He was starting to think it might bother him less to hear about it, than to know something was bothering Peter and be kept in the dark.
"I...oh." Peter hadn't meant...well, he had meant the nightmares, but he'd meant more that he was used to having Remus close, being able to hear him breathing at night, if nothing else. He took a slow breath. "I just...keep having dreams, that's all. Bad dreams." He kissed Remus' cheek, then nuzzled him softly, wanting to distract him. It was stupid, because he wanted to talk to Remus about it...but he felt like Remus wouldn't want to hear about it. He wouldn't blame Remus for not wanting to. But Remus was the person he told everything. It was confusing.
Remus closed his eyes at the way Peter's cheek felt against his own. Now that he'd brought it back up, he really wasn't sure what to say. "Do you... want to talk about it?"
Peter was silent for a bit, then finally said, "I don't know." He chewed his lower lip, thinking. "I...I always want to tell you everything," he said finally, his voice hushed. "You always help me see another side to things. But..." He sighed. "I don't like saying things that would make you unhappy. Or...or disappointed in me."
Remus nodded, thinking that made two of them, then, that weren't sure if they wanted to talk about it. He'd already been disappointed in Peter, however, and he wasn't sure he could he could be any less so now than he was when everything had gone wrong. In fact, the very thought that Peter at least seemed remorseful now made it seem impossible he could be disappointed at all, even if it was uncomfortable to talk about. "I know," he whispered, "But... I don't... I don't want you to keep things from me. I don't want you to... hurt... and not tell me."
Peter swallowed and closed his eyes. "I just...keep having dreams about it," he said finally. "Mostly I dream about--about the way the blood hit me. It--it just...it got all over me. And in the dream, it's worse, it's on my hands and..." He shuddered and took a deep breath, then steeled himself to say the worst. "And then sometimes, in the dream, I like it. I feel powerful, and strong, and not afraid..." He'd been sick, the first time he dreamed that. It still chilled him, made him feel as if he'd turned himself inside out.
Remus went very still. He'd asked for Peter to talk, after all, and he forced himself not to recoil and demand to know how Peter could like it. It was a dream. A dream. Still, Remus felt ill again. "It's just a dream," he managed. "You are afraid, y-you don't like it when you're awake. That-- that's what's important." The thought that perhaps he was responsible for Peter's remorse and not the act itself flashed wildly through Remus' mind, and he stomped it out quickly. Peter was a good man, a kind man; he just made a rash decision in anger.
"I...um. I was sick after, the first time I dreamed it," Peter admitted. "I don't want to be like that. I don't want to--to turn into someone who would like that." He tightened his arms around Remus. "What if doing that made me...made me bad?" What if I want to do that again, someday, instead of feeling sick about it like I have ever since? It was this thought that kept him scrubbing floors and working blisters and then calluses onto his fingers. It was this fear that stole his appetite and kept him from sleeping. What if, someday, he became the sort of person he hated, the sort of person Remus hated...and he lost the person who was most important to him?
"It didn't." This time the words were out of Remus' mouth before he could stop them. "It couldn't. I mean... Sirius did... what he did and he's not..." Remus stopped himself and drew a steadying breath. "You don't want to be. You don't want to be, and that's why you won't be. That's what makes you - us - different from... them." They both knew who 'them' was, too. It was easy to be sheltered in school, but now that they were out, neither one of them could remain blind about what was happening in their world. Remus pushed away just enough to look Peter in the eyes. "I believe you're a good man."
Peter had thought he was done crying, but those words, delivered so convincingly, brought tears back to his eyes. "As--as long as you believe it, too," he whispered, "then it has to be true. Right? Because--because I could be wrong about myself, but you'll always know me."
Remus nodded and kissed Peter, satisfied at the tears in Peter's eyes, if just because he knew by that reaction that Peter knew he meant what he said. "I will," he whispered and nodded again, but then pressed his hand over Peter's heart. "You have to believe it, too, though. You're not wrong."
"I believe it," Peter said. "But...I just wonder, you know, do bad men always know that they're bad?" I did that because of what they'd done to you, he thought. What if I convinced myself again that I had to do something? Oh, Remus, don't you understand why I doubt myself? But he didn't speak it aloud. He didn't want Remus to doubt him. He sighed. "I just...It bothers me, that's all."
"I know," Remus whispered and kissed Peter, "That's what matters."
Remus was better than Peter deserved. But Peter swore anew that he would try to deserve Remus. Maybe someday he actually would. He stroked a hand over Remus' hair, then spread his palm against Remus' chest. "I love you, Remus. I'll always love you. Thank you."
Remus smiled and pressed his hand over Peter's, threading his fingers in between Peter's on his chest. "I'll always love you, too. Forever."