Remus was furious. He was stuck in a hospital bed because Pomfrey wouldn't let him out. Though, truthfully, he knew she was right - he wasn't walking very well yet and one of his hands was having problems, among other things. His Lycanthropy had healed a great number of his external injuries quickly, but the injuries caused by curses were being more stubborn than most, possibly for the same reason the others had healed so well.
On top of that, he'd spent the first three days of his hospital stay with Harkiss four beds down (once he was more coherent and had to actually face Harkiss, he'd found his anger wasn't quite as non-existent as it first seemed), because of something Peter had done after promising he'd tell Dumbledore.
Oh, and he was going to miss N.E.W.T.s! He was going to have to make them up! Brilliant. He was sure all this medication he was on was really going to help him when it came to exams, either, and everyone kept telling him he had to rest rather than study.
He was more than furious. He was livid. Of course he couldn't do anything about any of it, so he found his anger mostly directed at the one person in the whole situation he actually could yell at. Peter. And even that he wasn't going to do, mostly because 1) he didn't want to do it lying in a hospital bed, 2) Peter was in detention all the time lately (he deserved it, too), and 3) in the long run, he really didn't want to do anything to make Peter screw up on his exams.
God, he needed to get out of this bed. If he could just go expend some energy somewhere, maybe he wouldn't feel quite so mad, but he couldn't help himself the afternoon after Harkiss had been released (he wasn't going to act upset with Peter around him) when he greeted Peter with just a look before turning back to strength exercises he was doing with his hand.
Peter had spent the past several days feeling sick and unable to quite meet Harkiss' eyes whenever he crept into the hospital wing to visit Remus. He knew Remus was angry with him, and aside from his whispered I'm sorry, the first time he'd seen Remus after putting Harkiss in here along with him, he'd been unable to even talk about it. James and Sirius seemed bewildered by everything, though James had just shrugged and sort of patted his shoulder when he'd returned the Cloak and fessed up to taking it in the first place.
N.E.W.T.s weren't going well, despite the fact that he knew more than he'd expected to. He kept feeling Remus' absence, and the sick feeling in his stomach was making his concentration even worse than usual. And then evenings McGonagall had him scrubbing every dirty spot in the castle she could find, without magic. He couldn't even take pleasure in the fact that McLeod was now giving him wary looks and scuttling out every time he came into the dormitory. It just made things worse.
He'd taken to dragging himself to the showers at the end of the day, then transforming into Wormtail and making his way to the hospital wing, where he hunched into a crack in the stone wall where he could watch over Remus until he fell asleep. He always made it to breakfast before it was over, even if he just poked at his toast.
He didn't know what the others were thinking, and he wasn't sure he cared. The only reason he could force himself to put forth as much effort as possible on his exams was the echo in his mind of what Remus had said, that last afternoon before things went to hell. You're going to take all your N.E.W.T.s and then some, and then I'm going to have a dashing, Auror-in-training husband.
At least Harkiss was out of the hospital wing now. He and Remus were alone, except for wherever Madam Pomfrey had got to. Peter hunched his shoulders and stared at the floor. He was surprised McGonagall hadn't had him in here on his knees cleaning it. Maybe she would now that Harkiss was out.
"I'm sorry, Remus," he said quietly. He'd already said it once, and he didn't think it would work any better this time, but he'd say it as many times as he had to.
Remus paused and looked at Peter, his expression blank. "Oh? For what?" Remus turned back to his exercises. "You know, I really ought to talk to Pomfrey about getting a Muggle telly in here. It would pass the time," he said coolly.
Peter couldn't quite hold in the tiny noise of hurt, but he lowered his head again and tried to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat. Remus would forgive him, wouldn't he? He'd forgiven Sirius! Sirius hadn't even had a good reason for what he'd done. "For lying to you," he whispered finally, when he could force words out. "For making you think I wouldn't hurt them." He pushed down a sob but another noise escaped him. "For taking matters into my own hands." He squeezed his eyes shut. This wasn't going to do any good. He should just go away and turn into Wormtail so Remus wouldn't have to know he was here.
Remus scowled at nothing. Peter sounded like he was about to start sobbing. The last time he'd been this angry, at least Sirius had made for a satisfying argument! He was just going to start feeling guilty if Peter lost it. He settled for making a slightly dismissive noise. "How's studying going?"
"Haven't got any time for studying, I'm spending all my time sitting exams or scrubbing floors," Peter said after a long silence. How could Remus just--just dismiss his apology? "I had to do it, Remus. I'm sorry I lied to you, but it's not like it was going to just go away."
Remus' head snapped in Peter's direction at that. "For me?" he said, trying not to hiss the words. "I didn't want anyone put in hospital wing for me!" he whispered urgently.
"It's what they did to you!" Peter retorted. He glanced away. "Anyway, I...I didn't...it wasn't...supposed to be like that." He'd wanted to do worse, originally, but he hadn't been able to go through with it, so surely that didn't count.
Remus clenched his jaw and stared at Peter. "I don't care how it was supposed to be. It shouldn't have been at all." Remus dropped the little gadget Pomfrey had given him to use for his hand, crossed his arms over his chest, and flopped back in the bed, looking sulky. It's what they did to you. "I was rather keen on the idea that you were better than them."
Peter looked back up at Remus, his mouth dropping open. He couldn't speak, though, couldn't deny it or argue or even plead. Finally he closed his mouth and swallowed. He could hear his heart beating; he wondered if Remus could hear it, too. He stood. "Well," he whispered. "Well. I guess I'm not." He put his hands in his pockets and turned to go. He was going to cry, and he didn't want Remus to see that.
Remus wanted to let him go. Really wanted to, and he let Peter get a few paces away before turning to frown at the back of his head. "Shite, Peter, you are," he hissed. "You just-- just-- you don't think."
The words stopped Peter in his tracks, but he didn't turn. He scrunched up his face, trying to keep the tears in. "I wasn't there," he whispered. "I wasn't with you." It should have been me, too.
Remus rolled his eyes and slouched in the bed... except he was starting to feel guilty again at Peter's tone and at the sentiment. He knew Peter probably thought his intentions had been noble, but how could he - anyone - do that to another human being? He wasn't ready to concede or forgive just yet. He would. He knew that. He loved Peter very much... which probably just made this worse. "That's a good reason to cut someone open," he grumbled.
Peter lifted a hand to wipe his face. He took a deep breath, trying not to feel resentful or defensive. He'd been wrong, but he wanted Remus to at least understand why. "If I couldn't protect you, the least I was going to do was see justice done."
"Justice?" Remus didn't move. He could barely believe it - still, even after seeing it for himself, even after Harkiss told him what happened. He'd never really seen Peter act like this on his own, without James and Sirius' encouragement... Oh.
Remus was going to kill Sirius, absolutely murder him if he had anything to do with this. "Who's brilliant plan was this 'justice', then?"
Peter turned around slowly, forcing himself to look Remus in the face. "Mine. Just mine. Like I told McGonagall, James and Sirius had nothing to do with it, and you didn't know."
Remus looked up and met Peter's eyes. That answer really didn't make him feel any better. After a moment, he looked away again. "Dumbledore could have done justice without hurting anyone," he muttered.
"Pardon me if I have less faith in that than you do," Peter said. He pushed down the little flash of resentment. He'd known from the first that Remus would be angry about this. And Remus had a right to be angry. But this was the first time Remus had really been angry at him, and Peter didn't like it. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down. "I'm sorry I made you angry. I thought I had to do it."
"The man defeated Grindelwald, Peter, he's a little more powerful than you!" Remus snapped, then immediately felt bad and hung his head a bit.
Peter flinched, but he kept watching Remus. "He doesn't love you as much as I do," he whispered. He was feeling sick again. He sighed and turned to go. He'd be better off coming back as Wormtail later.
Remus looked up, a lot of his anger draining without him giving it permission to do so. He hadn't meant to snap, or expected that response. "Pete."
"I'll see you later, Moony," Peter said, without looking back. He didn't know what to do. The one person in the world he could talk to about anything, and he couldn't talk to Remus about this. He couldn't tell him about that rush of power he'd felt, and how he'd almost enjoyed it, and how sick it had made him, how sick he'd felt ever since he did it. He just wanted Remus to hold him, and he wanted to stop feeling like he was going to cry, and he just couldn't handle trying to apologise any further right now, because he knew Remus was right.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Peter shoved his trunk in place and hunched down on the seat, pulling out his book. He knew James and Sirius were going to corner him, now that they had a good opportunity to do so, but he was going to put it off for as long as possible. He pulled his feet up on the seat and focused his gaze on the text in front of him. It was Clarke, the book Remus had given him for Christmas, which he knew was just torturing himself, since Remus still wasn't really speaking to him.
He'd fucked things well up, and he didn't know what was going to happen. They'd had such beautiful plans, their home by the sea, being together, and now he didn't even know if Remus was going to forgive him. He hated leaving like this.
After a while he gave up any pretence of trying to read and leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes.
This was not how Remus had imagined leaving the school at all. One moment he'd been reluctant and a little afraid, then he couldn't wait and was so happy to get out, and now... now he didn't know how to feel. He was still angry with Peter and Peter hadn't really been by to visit him as much, aside from when Remus heard those little nails scratching the floor at night. He never looked for Wormtail, but he knew he was there, and while it was sweet, until they actually talked and worked things out, Remus wasn't ready to concede that he knew, to concede that Peter was sweet at all.
His heart twisted as he got on the train alone, a tiny limp the only evidence of what had happened to him. He hoped maybe he could talk to Peter alone for a little while before they went their separate ways to their respective parents. He hoped they were still going to go through with their plans, but it would take some time now, and maybe some distance wouldn't hurt.
Remus poked his head in a few compartments before finding Peter, then slipped in, levitated his trunk to where it needed to be stowed, and settled in the seat on the opposite side of the compartment from Peter. "Hey," he said softly.
Peter tried not to jump when he heard Remus' voice. He opened his eyes and stared at Remus, yearning so much for everything to be right again. He swallowed. "Hi," he whispered.
Remus wasn't sure what to say or how to begin. He started to shift his leg under him, then winced a little and settled back the way he was. "Did you take all your N.E.W.T.s?"
Peter let out a shaky breath. "Got through them all. No results yet, of course." He shrugged. "How...um. What about yours?"
Remus scrunched his nose and shrugged. "Next week, so I have a chance to get a little studying in after being drugged for a week. Mmn, Da'll take me to the Ministry. Sort of complicated, since I'm not supposed to have been at Hogwarts at all. We'll have t--" Remus' head snapped up when the compartment door was flung open and James and Sirius burst in, wearing beads and party hats. Remus half wondered if they'd been drinking a little.
"WE'RE FREEEEEE!" Sirius shouted, then flopped into the seat next to Remus, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. "Are you going to miss me terribly?"
Remus swallowed and tried not to act like he was disappointed they'd barged in. "It's not like I'll never see you lot again."
Peter didn't know if he felt better or worse. They'd been talking, actually talking, even if it wasn't about them yet. Still, it was better than the uncomfortable silences and the cold shoulder treatment. He drew back into his corner and tried to smile at the others.
"Bet you won't see us as much as you will Wormtail," Sirius said, and made kissy noises at him.
"Shut up, Padfoot," James said, pushing his way into the compartment and nudging Sirius.
Peter tried not to look sick.
Remus glanced between his friends at that exchange and wondered how much they knew. He'd missed a lot in the last week. "I'll see you all," he insisted, his eyes lingering on James for a moment before they fell to the floor of the compartment. "Where's Li--?"
As if on cue, Lily stepped into the compartment and smiled at Remus before wrapping him awkwardly in a hug... which was really weird. She'd never actually hugged him before.
"Merlin, it's good to see you out of that bed," she exclaimed, then settled into a spot next to James. Remus thought he saw her give Peter a funny look, but he wasn't quite sure.
Just for a minute, Peter resented Lily for being able to hug Remus when he couldn't. He forced a smile. After all, it wasn't her fault he'd cocked things up so badly, and it certainly wasn't her fault the world hated queers.
"Hallo, Lily," he muttered, shifting even further into the corner so there would be room when she sat down. He wondered how it was possible to be so miserable in the middle of all these people he loved.
The smile Lily gave Peter in greeting was a little tight; Remus put it down to his imagination, even when he knew it probably wasn't. "Thanks, Lily," he said. He'd thanked her already, for getting him to hospital wing and fetching Peter (even if that had been a bad idea, in retrospect), and told her to tell the first years that found him that he was fine and he thanked them, too. They'd come to see him, as well, after he was looking better, and seemed awfully relieved Prefect Lupin wasn't going to "kick over" like they thought he was.
He'd skillfully avoided their near constant refrain of "Why?"
The compartment fell silent for a moment. Sirius seemed less excited after James hushed him, and suddenly their hats and beads didn't seem so festive.
Peter wondered if he could get away with opening his book again. As awkward as it felt, he was glad Remus was here. As long as Remus was here, James and Sirius wouldn't say anything about the whole--
"Look, did you two break up?" Sirius burst out.
Oh, God, Peter thought.
A jolt of... something went through Remus and he literally jumped, just slightly, at the question. "No! Merlin, no... we... no," he stammered, but avoided Peter's eyes. What if they had? What if Peter wanted to?
Oh, thank God, Peter thought. "No!" he blurted just after Remus. It was suddenly much easier to breathe. Remus didn't want to chuck him; he still had a chance to make things right. He looked at Remus, noted the way Remus wasn't meeting his eyes, and started digging in his pockets for some money. The snack trolley would be by soon, maybe, and he could definitely use something to drink.
Remus glanced up at that and looked at Peter from under his lashes, his lips curling just a little. At least they were on the same page.
"Thank Merlin! I didn't know what I was going to do with all those wedding invites had you chucked one another," Sirius teased and James laughed finally.
"Who's wearing the dress, then?" James said, though his tone was still slightly more cautious than Sirius'
Peter darted another glance at Remus, then glared at James without any real heat. "Do you have to ask?" he muttered. "Remus would obviously look silly in a dress." There, he would sacrifice his dignity if it would make Remus laugh.
For a minute Remus just stared, though he smiled without realising, and then he suddenly laughed. "Thanks, Pete," he teased, and nudged Peter with his foot.
Peter grinned at him, then caught himself grinning, then actually managed not to freeze. He been afraid to smile around Remus ever since it happened. "We'd better keep your name, too," he joked. "Better than Pettigrew."
That made James and Sirius laugh, and Lily chuckled, though she was still watching Peter more closely than usual.
Remus laughed. It was strange. There was something about Sirius' bluntness that cut through all the shite. Remus wished he had the stones to be so direct. "Oh, but Peter Preston Pettigrew is so much fun to say!"
"Preston?" James asked, still chuckling. "Your middle name-- How did I not know your middle name was Preston?"
"Brilliant, isn't it?" Remus said quickly.
Sirius barked a laugh. "All right, Peter Preston Pettigrew sounds great, but Remus Pettigrew? Maybe you'd better keep your own names."
Peter stared at his friends, feeling loads better than he had even just an hour ago. How could they be joking about something like this, something that had caused so much pain? But it was wonderful. It suddenly made him realise all over again how lucky he was.