Helium Raven (severity_softly) wrote in ever_fixed_mark, @ 2008-04-16 18:24:00 |
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Entry tags: | james, peter, remus, sirius |
005: Friendly Teasing Leads to Blurted Confessions
Remus had woken up for dinner, a couple of hours after Peter returned from his date with Jannet Merrow and climbed in bed with him, with his face pressed against Peter's shoulder, his arm tucked between Peter's arm and chest... and James standing over them... who was quickly joined by Sirius. He'd jumped back away from Peter immediately, panic hitting him a bit harder than the little stab of guilt he felt pulling away like he had. Peter seemed to have already been awake, which in retrospect, was a little odd, considering he hadn't pushed Remus off him. But who had time to consider that when your entire teenage life was flashing before your eyes?
He was pleasantly surprised that none of them, Peter included, had hexed his forehead to spell out 'shirt lifter' in bright flashing letters, but that hadn't stopped the teasing.
"Honestly, Moony" James started, nearly two weeks later, "If you'd told us you were a poofter sooner, we could have set you up. Can't have you looking at us, can we?" He threw Peter a grin. "Even if we are charming and all... I think Lily's got a friend who has a friend that might possibly - there's a general consensus, or maybe just gossip - anyway, he could be bent... and as soon as I get in with her, you're all set." He ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up, then his eyes darted towards a group of girls by the lake and he flattened it back down again with minimal success.
Remus saw Sirius roll his eyes, but Remus only made a little dismissive noise and pretended to be absorbed in his history text. "How do you know so much about Evans' friends?" That was the safest response, the most neutral one; it neither confirmed or denied his preference at all.
"She told me," James said proudly, but when Sirius looked up and arched a brow at him, he conceded, "I overheard."
The autumn wind whipped Remus' hair about for a moment until he tucked it all behind his ears. It was getting too long and he couldn't pull off that casually messy look like Sirius could; he made a mental note to trim it. He looked back at his book, snorting softly. "You're lucky she only hexes you every other day."
"Honestly, mate," Peter said, glaring at James, "you're getting a bit creepy. Maybe you ought to give up on Evans and pick a girl you won't have to stalk." He was more than ready for the shirt-lifter jokes to end. It made him uncomfortable that they were going on about it to Remus, without saying a thing to Peter. He didn't mind not being teased, but at the same time it didn't seem fair. And it was obviously making Remus uncomfortable. Probably not a good sign, Peter thought. If he did fancy blokes, he wouldn't mind it, would he? Then again, Peter hadn't exactly told them how much he'd liked having Remus pressed against him that day.
Then again, the others didn't seem to mind the idea of their friend being queer. Peter glanced at Remus.
Remus caught Peter's gaze for only a moment, giving him a shy smile. Peter had really been very good about nearly being sleep-molested by a gay werewolf. Not that Peter knew the gay part, which was probably why he was so good about it.
"Oh, come on, Wormy, don't be too hard on the man, he's love-struck! As obviously our dear Moony is, even if he's going about it the wrong way. Moony, tell us, is it really Peter you fancy, or is he just a substitute?" Sirius leered at them both.
Peter felt his face go hot.
Remus went from feeling relatively calm to near ill in seconds, and he was sure his face had gone red. He tried to glare, but he wasn't entirely sure he pulled it off. "A substitute for what exactly? I'd hex you as soon as--" shag? snog? Oh God... "--touch you."
Sirius' eyebrows went up and he held up his hands, laughing. "Merlin, Moony, taking that a bit personally, aren't you? I never said I thought you were pining over me. Hmm, help me out, James, who's hanging about in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw who's like Peter, but unattainable?"
Peter scowled. "Implying that I'm not unattainable? Thanks so much, Sirius." He glanced at Remus, then, and wished he hadn't said it. Remus looked sick, and the implied insult to Peter wasn't worth making Remus feel worse. "Look, come on, Remus, let's leave these two idiots to their stupidity. I have an essay for Transfiguration to finish anyway."
Great. Peter was unattainable. He'd outright said it. A frown settled on Remus' face, but before he could respond to what he'd said, James chimed it.
"Oooh! Garrett Stillwater? Looks a little like Peter... in a way."
"No," Remus said quickly, then looked at Peter, "And yes. I need to work on mine as well." He was partly thankful Peter was giving him an out, but his chest was still aching a little uncomfortably.
"Oooh, Prongs, they're going off on their own. Maybe Peter isn't unattainable! Moony, your charm's won him over!" Sirius laughed while James made kissy noises.
Peter got up and walked away instead of answering that. He hoped Remus would follow him, because he wasn't going to stick around and try to talk him into it. "Bloody infantile behaviour," he muttered, stalking off.
The damnable part of it was, he wasn't unattainable. Not if it were Remus doing the attaining. He wanted Remus, he couldn't hide it from himself. Just the thought that Remus might pull away from their friendship because of what the others were saying made his stomach ache. If he couldn't have anything but friendship, he didn't want to lose that. He chewed on his lip, blinking hard and wishing he knew what to do. Bloody wankers. And here he'd thought James was trying to grow up.
Remus looked off after Peter and debated for a moment. Be with Peter and be comfortable (he hoped it would still be comfortable after all this) or stay here until James and Sirius forced him to tell them to bugger off? "Catch you all later, yeah?" he said as he stood, though his tone wasn't exactly amiable. He shoved his book in his bag and then followed after Peter, taking extra long strides to catch up.
"Hey," he said after catching up and matching Peter's pace. He felt like he should say more, but he wasn't sure what.
"Hey," Peter said back, not looking up. At least Remus had followed him. He sighed and glanced over. "And they wonder why I'd rather spend time with you than them, these days," he offered, trying to smile.
"Yeah, well, I mean the gay jokes are... well, they're my fault. So... sorry." Remus shrugged and wished he could hide his face.
Peter flapped his hand in dismissal. "Who cares? They're just being stupid." He swallowed, wondering if he could really-- "Anyway, wouldn't matter. If it was true, I mean." His heart suddenly made a leap for freedom through his mouth.
Remus looked up sharply, but his expression was completely blank. He felt as if the earth had fallen out from under him. "Yeah, it would. I mean... you don't like blokes..." And neither do I. That was what he should have added, but he couldn't bring himself to lie.
Peter sighed. This was where he had to go through with what he'd just started. He couldn't start a conversation like that and not finish it. He swallowed and looked away, out over the lake. "I do," he said quietly. Then he felt a burning desire to run, which he only suppressed because he knew Remus was faster than he was, and would probably chase him.
If Remus hadn't glanced up and altered his course just before Peter spoke, he might have walked straight into a tree, because now he couldn't take his eyes of Peter. He wasn't exactly sure how to reply... so he stalled as the thoughts swirled in his head. "You-- w-what?"
Peter squinted, pretending to be fascinated with the giant squid. "This summer, at Blackpool. Couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in any of the pretty girls, yeah? Finally realised I was watching the blokes." He sighed. "I just--didn't know how to tell anyone."
Remus was still staring, torn between relief that Peter was attainable and the rather dreadful feeling that even if Peter was gay, he still might not want Remus. He had the urge to touch Peter, even just a little, but he was afraid now that even if it was okay to do it, just touching Peter might not be enough anymore. "It's okay." He was half-tempted not to return the confession, just to be safe from what it might do to him if his hopes about Peter wound up dashed anyway, but he finally added quietly, "I'm not interested in pretty girls, either."
Peter went still as those words sank in. Was Remus saying what Peter thought he was? It couldn't--that couldn't be true, could it? What did that mean? He turned slowly, trying to school his expression so it wouldn't reveal the sudden nauseating hope and fear he was feeling. "You--we're both queer?"
Remus just looked back at him, a little relieved to see that Peter looked like he felt. A little. And it made Remus' chest even tighter. He didn't trust his voice just yet, so he nodded, holding Peter's gaze as if he was trying to read into what little they were saying.
Peter let out a quiet laugh, though the sick expression didn't quite fade from his face. "Well. Now you know why setting me up with Janet didn't work." He studied Remus' face. But do you know why I like brown hair and hazel eyes? Oh, God, Remus.
Remus' lips curled a little when Peter laughed, though he still felt steamrolled. He nodded again and let the silence hang for a moment, chewing his lower lip. Finally, he drew a steadying breath. "I don't really feel like doing homework anymore."
Peter laughed again, and this time he couldn't stop. "I never felt like doing homework. I just wanted away from them." He watched Remus for a minute, still letting out little laughs, and said, "I'm glad you came with me."
Remus let out a shaky little laugh, and then after a moment another, and then another, until he was chuckling softly and his smile had grown stronger. "I should have suspected something that you even brought it up first." He smiled up at Peter. "I am, too."
"Remus..." Peter didn't know what to say next. He wondered if there were any chance that Remus might want something more between them. He thought back to the way he'd woken, several minutes before James and Sirius burst into the dorm, and just relished the feeling of Remus being so close to him. He pressed his lips together between his teeth and looked down.
Remus' heart felt like it had grown too large for his chest and he was looking at Peter eagerly now, fairly certain he shouldn't even dare to be so hopeful when all Peter had said was his name. Peter didn't seem able to say anymore, though. Remus searched his face for a moment, praying the hope he thought he'd seen on Peter's face was really hope, then forced the words out of his mouth, "I like you, Peter." Those words meant a lot more than what they really said and Remus felt like he ought to run away as soon as he said them.
Peter looked back up at Remus' face, his lips parting in surprise--but he still didn't know what to say. He nodded. After a few almost painful heartbeats, he said, "Yes." He kept nodding, watching Remus. "Yes, yes, Remus, me, too." God, he sounded so stupid! But he couldn't think, he couldn't believe this was real.
Remus started to laugh, but his gaze was warm on Peter. "You like yourself, too?" He suddenly wished they weren't outside. He suddenly wished they were alone. He reached out and gave Peter's arm a gentle squeeze.
Peter moved automatically to grab Remus' wrist, just to have something to hold on to. "You," he said, his breath quickening. "I fancy you, Remus. I have for months." God, whoever said love was wonderful must have been mad. Peter felt lightheaded. He really wanted to sit down.
Remus felt his knees go a little weak at that. Peter fancied him. "I want to kiss you," he blurted, then felt his cheeks go red. "I mean... can we go somewhere... else?"
Peter felt relief flash through him, followed quickly by a strange weakness. "Oh." He took a step to steady himself, breathing deeply. "Yes. Where?"
"Somewhere... where I can kiss you." God, Remus was fairly certain he'd never been so excited in his life, which would have been brilliant, if he weren't also terrified.
Peter chewed his lower lip for a moment, then stopped, because Remus wanted to kiss him, he shouldn't have chapped lips if Remus wanted to--oh God, he wants to kiss me! "Um. Walk around the lake?" he suggested. It was a large enough lake that there were secluded spots, which the Marauders had discovered over the years. Of course, that also might mean Sirius and James could follow them...
Remus squinted at the edge of the lake for a moment. Those private spots weren't really private, but everyone went behind the greenhouses and the Room of Requirement was too far away. Remus might snog Peter half way there in front of everyone out of sheer excitement. He nodded and Peter, then set off along the edge of the lake.
Peter kept up with him, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out and grabbing at Remus' elbow or hand. He wanted to touch Remus again, wanted to prove this was real, but he knew it would be better to be somewhere private before they did.
Remus kept walking until they were far enough away. He wasn't really thinking much about what they were going to do, mostly because he was afraid he might get too nervous to do what he wanted to do. He eventually found a secluded enough spot that was far from the main grounds. He tugged Peter behind a cluster of bushes and looked at him, really looked at him for a moment. This was Peter. Peter had been his friend since they were eleven. This was weird. But it was also exactly what he wanted.
Still his stomach was flipping. What if it came to nothing and then destroyed how close they'd become. "Are you sure?" Remus asked, peering into Peter's face.
Peter suddenly had the terrifying thought that Remus might not go through with it. He wanted to grab Remus, pull him in for a kiss--but he was clumsy, and he knew he would cock everything up if he tried to make the first move. "Yeah," he said, meeting Remus' eyes. "Completely. Are you?"
Remus took a step forward and curled his fingers into the fabric over Peter's forearms, smiling a little as his eyes darted between Peter's eyes and mouth without his notice. "This is completely insane," he muttered breathlessly, but his tone was warm and he continued to inch towards Peter slowly.
"Insane?" Peter repeated in a tone of mock hurt. "Fine, if you'd rather snog someone else." But he was leaning towards Remus as he said it.
Remus sort of felt like he ought to say something witty about them never imagining this when they met, but all he could think of was the pudgy little boy Peter had been then and that the man that little boy became was so different... and yet still very much the same. Remus laughed, a single breathy noise, then said, "Maybe I like insane." Before he could think anymore on it, he leaned in and pressed his lips to Peter's, gasping a bit at the feel of warm lips against his own.
Peter breathed in through his nose and realised his hands had moved of their own accord to touch Remus' hair. He let his eyes close as they kissed, wishing suddenly that this moment would never end. Remus was kissing him with warm lips, and Peter felt achingly happy.
This felt somehow right, Remus thought. It wasn't anything like kissing Cassandra Towler or Emmeline Vance had been. That had been awkward at best, but Remus found this just felt natural. Instinctive almost. He slid his hands around Peter's waist and pulled him closer, dipping his tongue into Peter's mouth gently, enjoying the taste of something sweet on his tongue.
Peter gasped, pressing against Remus and letting him control the kiss. He stroked his tongue along Remus', thinking he'd never felt anything as wonderful as this in his life.
Peter's body was soft against Remus' own angular one and Remus fought the urge to pull him closer, but he only stroked his fingers over Peter's back. After a few moments kissing like this, Remus was growing lightheaded and his body was starting to get ideas he didn't think he was quite ready for yet. He found himself laughing softly, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of delight when he pulled back to catch his breath, looking at Peter with the slightest bit of amazement.
Peter framed Remus' face with his hands, staring down at him with a huge smile on his face. "Moony," he whispered, breathing hard. He laughed a little and stroked one hand over Remus' hair. "I've never kissed anyone before, you know?"
That sent a jolt of... something through Remus, and his smile faltered just barely for a second. He wasn't really sure why he hadn't expected that, except that this was their seventh year and Remus had always imagined the others had done some things that they didn't tell everyone about. Remus really hadn't been vocal about any of the girls he'd kissed, mostly because it hadn't been very successful. "Really?" he asked, one of his hands curling around Peter's forearm, and decided not to say anything about his experience unless Peter asked. "You're good at it." Not that he had much to compare to.
Peter laughed. "I wouldn't mind having more practice," he said, his tone a little shy. He lowered his head and brushed Remus' lips with his own, feeling as if fireworks were going off in his stomach. He could hardly believe Remus really wanted him. It was wonderful.
Remus sighed into the kiss, deepening it for a moment before pulling back just far enough away to speak. "We could study together," he suggested, thinking he might like this subject quite a lot.
Peter laughed again. "That's some homework I think I'd actually like."