Adam Parrish [The Raven Cycle] (feelawake) wrote in evaluation, @ 2019-12-20 20:24:00 |
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ROOM 3; DAY 5; EVENING
RONAN LYNCH ✦ ADAM PARRISH ✦ OPAL
FAMILY REUNITED AFTER THE YULELAG MOSTLY FLUFFY ANGST COMPLETE |
Ronan didn’t waste a lot of time getting Opal as far away from the tree farm as he could. Logically, he knew all of that could’ve gone so much worse. They were tired and sore, but they’d been fed and were mostly unharmed. Still. Logic could take a fucking flying leap. Ronan was buzzing with anger and shame, and a feeling of helplessness that drove him insane. He was going to have to sit Opal down and talk very seriously about what not to do if they got separated again, but there was a bigger concern right at the present moment. All he could think about was getting to Adam. He’d already been held longer for being stubborn and with Opal showing up, he knew Adam had to be stressed. Angry. Maybe making a brutally organized pros and cons list about dumping his boyfriend. Ronan lifted Opal up into his arms and jogged the last hundred feet to Adam’s room, kicking the door by way of knocking when he got there. Please. Please be here, he thought. “Parrish, open up!” Adam had been there since he'd passed back over the border after another day of mindless work. He hadn't been fit to go anywhere else, or be around anybody else. Over the last twenty-four hours, he'd yelled at every single one of his friends at least once, and much more than that in Gansey's case. Charlie had escaped being the target of the ugliness chewing up his insides simply because it had been easier, by the time he'd pushed everyone else away, to tangle himself in the sheets and let silent tears soak his pillow. That, and Charlie hadn't hurled blame at him or tried to convince him not to blame himself. Both of those things were unthinkable for Adam. Quiet nods of sympathy still sank their teeth into him, but not so much that it made him bleed out his misery to taint everything around him too. When Ronan hadn't come back when his twenty-four hours were over, that had been when the ugliness had drained from Adam's guts and left him hollow, instead. He hadn't wanted to face Ronan, hadn't wanted to admit his fault in losing Opal, but he'd wanted him intensely anyway, the warmth of his body and the scent of him when Adam tucked his face against his neck, the things that had become home more than any place could. He thought he was imagining Ronan's voice, at first. When he realized it was really him he was on his feet so quickly that he tripped over them. The Adam that opened the door had more in common with the Adam of those terrible months between the day his father hit him for the last time and the day that Robert Parrish was declared guilty than he did with the Adam who had been practically living at the Barns with Ronan and Opal. It was something in his eyes, something in the tension in his jaw. It was the way he waited, braced, for Ronan to lash out at him for failing to keep Opal safe when he'd trusted Adam with her. "You're back." Opal had chopped trees and did her time at Yulelag. While Ronan begrudgingly chopped down the taller trees, Opal chose the smaller, Opal-sized pine trees. It took a little convincing from Ronan but she caved when he had started to work and so the dream creature followed the dreamer. She chopped one tree after another after another. Her arms grew sore and her hands had gone callused from the tight grip around the handle. It felt like an eternity passed before they were both released. Ronan was half dragging Opal through the snow because her steps were sluggish. Ronan scooped her up into his arms after a while, probably tired of pulling dead weight. She wrapped her arms loosely around his neck and tucked her head under his chin. His warmth was satisfying and soothing. “I wanna go to sleep,” Opal murmured, her eyes closed. When they reached Adam’s room, Ronan startled her with his banging. From her waist, Opal twisted around to see Adam had opened the door. “Adam!” She smiled, sleepily. When Adam opened the door, the first feeling that coursed through Ronan was relief and his face lit up with it. With Opal’s drowsy voice next to his ear and Adam right there, safe and sound, he started to feel all the last few days worth of stress finally ease off. But then he really took in Adam’s face, and the coiled tension in his body, and he scowled. Well, if Adam was gonna be angry with him, he was gonna have to do it inside. “Back and fucking freezing, thanks,” he grumbled, dropping his eyes as he squeezed past Adam into the room. He didn’t put Opal down right away. He told himself it was just because she was sleepy and not because he was afraid this conversation wasn’t going to be very long. “I--” He couldn’t just bust out with I’m sorry. It felt fucking cheap. “Are you okay?” The question punched a dry, painful laugh from Adam's gut. No. No, he wasn't okay, because it didn't matter that the people who had been to the Yulelag and back were fine, it didn't matter that Adam had fought Lyra tooth and nail when she wanted to storm the place and break the first prisoners out, it was different when it was Ronan. When it was Opal. He'd still stayed where he was told. He'd ducked his head and gritted his teeth and stayed in line because there was nothing he could do if he was thrown in there too. If it had been just Ronan, he could have thrown himself into protecting Opal and pushed his own feelings into the dark hours after she'd fallen asleep. Without her… Adam closed the door behind them. "I should be asking you that." If he could have, he'd have sacrificed himself to a hundred magical forests just to feel less useless. If he could have done anything at all, he'd at least be able to make eye contact with the two of them. Opal stirred, feeling the tension. She turned to look at Adam, smiling sleepily. “We chopped trees all day,” Opal said very tired and very singsong. “And my arms feel so heavy.” But not heavy enough to not reach out for her Adam, hands held out all grabby and needy. “I missed you Adam! They wouldn’t let us back out.” Ronan had a suspicion about what lay beneath the look on Adam’s face, but the fact that he wouldn’t even look at them made doubt churn in Ronan’s gut. Which, fuck the commies, really. He was a screw up but he knew Adam Parrish better than he knew himself. That he’d let those bastards get in his head was unforgivable. He swallowed his stupid nerves and leaned in to Opal’s instincts, moving close enough to press her into Adam’s arms. The warm weight of Opal's small body filled a little of Adam's emptiness. He settled her on his hip and wrapped his arms snugly around her, the logical thought that she was going to be fine finally settling into really feeling it. “I’ve had better days,” Ronan admitted with a rueful smirk. “And she can’t chop for shit.” He dropped one hand onto Opal’s head to soften that commentary but faltered on what to do next. Words always seemed hollow compared to the feelings careening around in his chest. Sorry I put everything at risk. Sorry I’m such a good target. Sorry my dream creature is a stubborn asshole like me. “Your turn,” he whispered. “Get out of your head and talk to me, Parrish.” Telling Adam Parrish to get out of his head was a little like asking a fish to leave the water; it was entirely possible, but also entirely uncomfortable for however long it lasted. If it had been a year ago, or if anyone but Ronan had asked in the present, the response would have been not so much a solid no as simply ignoring the request altogether. Adam pressed his face against Opal's unruly hair and took a deep breath. "I didn't keep her safe." Because as much as Declan and Gansey had laid the blame on Adam, he'd blamed himself more than they ever could. Ronan had trusted him with this and Adam had failed him entirely. "I missed you, too," he murmured into Opal's hair. "I was… so scared without you." Scared wasn't the right word, not entirely, but it was the closest that he thought Opal would understand. He didn't want her to understand the way that terror and shame could settle in a person's core and leave them as angry and ugly as he had been. Opal closed her eyes when she nestled her head onto the crook of Adam’s neck. She could have fallen asleep just then but - “You were scared,” she asked, leaning back so she was able to look at Adam’s face. Gently she cupped her hands on his cheeks. “I didn’t know I couldn’t come back out.” Zemo hadn’t told her that she would have to stay there to chop down Christmas trees. “Zemo said if I bring stuff back then I could go see Ronan. I found stuff for Connor. He was getting unmade!” Ronan knew the answer before Adam gave it, really. Because Adam Parrish was really good at putting blame at his own feet. If Ronan could punch the shit out of Robert Parrish again, right this second, he would. It wouldn’t help, of course, but fuck if he wouldn’t feel a little better. He settled for scooting up to the both of them and pulling them into a too tight hug. “Adam…” He pressed his face behind Adam’s ear and breathed there, once again having to stomp down a flare of anger at Zemo like when Opal had first told him what the smuggler had done. “I didn’t keep her safe either,” he murmured. “I didn’t even tell you what I was doing until after the fact. Be mad at me.” He pulled back but didn’t let go. “Be pissed at me and at fucking Zemo for manipulating her.” “Of course I’m mad at Zemo. He should have…” Adam wouldn’t have wanted to pull away even if he had been angry at Ronan, too. All he wanted, right then, was to have the two of them close and safe. “He shouldn’t have told you that, Opal. It was wrong, and if someone that isn’t Ronan, or me, or Gansey, Blue, Noah… Declan… tries to convince you to do anything, anything at all, again, you don’t listen to them.” But he couldn’t blame Ronan. Ronan was… dangerous, impossible, too vivid and sharp to be able to keep his head down and stay out of trouble the way that Adam knew so well. He’d known from the start that it would only be so long before it caught up with him but he’d known, because Ronan was impossible, that he’d either make it through fine or shred everyone to pieces on his way out. Adam had been afraid for him but he hadn’t blamed him at all. Carefully, he shifted Opal’s weight so he could support her with one hand and the pressure of Ronan’s body against him and settled the other against Ronan’s hip. Opal was safe now. Her heart swelled with love and happiness. She would have burst into tears but she was too tired for that. Instead, and very sleepily, Opal smiled, and tucked her head under his chin. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just was scared and I wanted to see Ronan. Worried dad was a good look on Adam Parrish. Of course, damn near everything was a good look on Adam Parrish, in Ronan’s book. But this…He’d expected Opal to be more of a problem for them early on. They were eighteen for fuck’s sake. And saddling Adam with what amounted to a daughter right from the start of their relationship had felt like too big of an ask. Ronan was infinitely glad Adam was stubborn as fuck. “We’re sorry,” he corrected, brushing a hand over Opal’s hair and watching Adam’s face intently. “I’m sorry,” he said a little quieter, but with more feeling. “This whole thing is fucked. But I should’ve planned better for this.” "I don't…" Adam shook his head. "Even if you'd planned for it, it wouldn't have followed it. But we can plan it. All three of us, together. What we do if we get separated again." It hurt to say it, and Adam held them both a little tighter. He didn't know what he'd do, if he lost either of them. He didn't want to know who he'd be without them now. "But not right now. Right now I just want…" Adam didn't let himself want things. There had only ever been room for needing. "I want a nap before we eat something. All three of us." It would be a tight fit in the bed, but Adam wasn't letting either of them get too far anyway. "Yeah," Opal acceded without a fight. A nap was what she had wanted for awhile. A nice and cozy nap. Relief bloomed softly across Ronan’s face and he nodded, instantly tugging them all towards the bed. “You said the magic words, Parrish. I know it’s only been like two days but I feel like I haven’t slept in a week.” All the tree-chopping had done him in. His hands and back ached. He was only too happy to get them all under the covers in a tangle of limbs, Opal squashed between them. He draped an arm across the pillows to card his fingers into Adam’s hair for an extra point of contact. “Wake me when our stomachs start growling,” Ronan sighed. Adam closed his eyes and breathed through the choking feeling at the back of his throat. They were there. They were safe. He had them both where he could reach them and he didn’t have to let them go until… morning, hopefully. For this, he was willing to take the risk. “I will,” he promised. He wouldn’t. If they slept, actually slept, he wasn’t going to disturb them. Food could wait. It wasn’t like they had much of it anyway. He had to push himself up onto his elbow to lean in and press a kiss against Ronan’s lips. He brushed another over Opal’s hair when he settled in again. |