Myles Montgomery Dodged a Basilisk (![]() ![]() @ 2013-02-28 17:08:00 |
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Aloysius sat at the library table, ostensibly working on Arithmancy, but also largely distracted by the boy sitting beside him. Around them were spread the Dark Arts and Charms books they had been paging through earlier and eventually abandoned in favour of actual study. Myles had given up first and Aloysius (knowing what a fruitless task it truly was) had followed suit. It wasn't his imagination though that the other boy seemed distracted, his thoughts elsewhere, and that bothered him more than he liked. It was less from concern and more from an inordinate jealousy that he was worried about that girl again. It would be so easy to forget Myles was a Muggleborn most days, but then they'd have a row like they had the other day and he'd remember most keenly. He knew sooner or later Myles would fall victim to Mary's gaze, and he was of two minds about it. One he could stop feeling the conflicting emotions that tangled in him daily now, but two he also didn't necessarily want to see Myles petrified or obviously, worse. It was selfish and ridiculous, but sometimes he just wished he could confound Myles into forgetting he was a Muggleborn at all. He had so much talent and brilliance, if he was a Halfblood it would have been so much easier. "Are you even studying?" he said finally, a bit petulantly. Myles hadn't been, not really. He'd found himself quite distracted from his studies lately, between worrying about Grizel and the others, the wars both approaching and ongoing, and an idle feeling of helplessness. And, though he wouldn't express it aloud, the fear that he, too, would likely find himself in the same state as Grizel someday and that the school would do nothing about it. He could be stuck like that for weeks, or longer. The constant pit these things all left in his stomach made him irritable--even moreso than usual--and distracted. "No," he said, his tone rather matching Aloysius's. "Am I bothering you?" "Not really," Aloysius said, lying only somewhat. "I'm not really getting anything done either though." He flapped the pages of his book a bit uselessly. "I feel like we've been at this hours. Do you want to go for a walk or something?" He looked out the bit of window he could see from his seat. It was gray outside but looked clear enough for now. "I wouldn't mind some fresh air." "Is it raining?" Myles asked, leaning back in his chair to get a look at the window himself. "Doesn't look like it. Let's do that, aye." These days, Myles didn't like to go anywhere alone, but he didn't like to burden others when he needed to go somewhere, either. He jumped at the chance to go off when someone else suggested it; it almost didn't matter where. He straightened his things into a pile, but left them on the table. They'd be back later and he'd still have to get this Arithmancy done sooner or later. He found his scarf and coat and was back in no time, eager for a chance to get out. Aloysius put the DADA books to be shelved and followed Myles back to Ravenclaw for his own heavy cloak and the scarf he'd bought to replace the one that Vera now had again. They headed down to the entrance, and it was some testament to the change in their friendship as it was that he didn't look around to see if anyone was watching them just then. Outside the wind was crisp and cold and he wrapped his cloak around him a bit more tightly, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked through the courtyard and out into the grounds. They had walked in silence, and it wasn't until they were in the open air that he looked back over at the other boy, his grey eyes serious. "Better?" he asked. His voice was quieter now, more fond maybe, if Myles had the ear to pick up on it. There was still a little edge to it, as there almost always was in their conversations. Two such different people could not so easily be friends without still an underlying tension, particularly when there were so many reasons for it. "I'll let you know in a couple of minutes," Myles said, taking things in for a moment. He still felt on edge and unfocused, but he willed himself to just let a walk outside be a walk outside, give his mind a bit of a reprieve. Nothing was going to happen to him when he was standing next to a Pureblood. "I've never thought of Hogwarts as suffocating before," he admitted quietly after another few moments. "But now …" He didn't finish the thought, but he wasn't sure it needed finishing. It was cold outside but dry, as nice as one could ask of a Scottish winter. Myles preferred it; he found cold invigorating and heat stifling. A brisk walk could clear one's head as well as any potion. "Thank you," he said, just as quietly as before. It was for a lot of things: the walk, the studying, the listening. Aloysius didn't really mind the cold either. As much as he talked about South America, he wasn't sure that a tropical climate was really for him. There was something bracing about it, the wind made you feel exposed in a way, and he felt quite keenly the presence of the other lad strolling beside him. "Of course," Aloysius replied a bit stiffly, feeling suddenly awkward. He looked over at Myles, his gaze revealing more than it usually might, a hint of vulnerability and wistfulness, maybe, which was unusual for him. He gave him a quiet smile. "I am glad I can distract you." "Well God knows I need it," Myles said, not looking over at the other boy. It suddenly struck him as a selfish thing to say, though it was true. "I know I've … not been the easiest person to be around lately," he added, trying to temper it a bit as they walked. "As opposed to how easy you always have been to be around," Aloysius replied, a bit chiding. It was true, they hadn't been close friends for years, and when they were they were but children nearly, how much things had changed. "Honestly it's fine," he said. "I don't know I'd be able to manage if you weren't grumbling after me in some fashion or another." He nudged him slightly with an elbow as they reached the edge of the castle wall and turned around the corner and out of sight. Here was a long sweeping cliffside down towards the lake, the castle wall a shelter against the wind, and he paused, looking over at Myles. "If we'd been friends again earlier maybe it would have been easier," he said. "But I am glad you can talk to me again." "Maybe what would have been easier?" Myles asked. He knew, in general, some parts of the last few years would have been. His third year especially, before he'd really made friends with Grizel and Millicent and the others in his own year. But he didn't think it would have made the past few weeks easier, and he didn't think it would make him more genial during it all. Aloysius looked up, a bit confused, not really sure what to say, and finally he shrugged. "Sorry," he said. "I don't mean the past few weeks just … in general. That maybe we would understand each other better if we'd reconciled earlier or something. Or that maybe it would have made things …" There was that word again. Easier. It was what came to his mind. But would he really have been friends with Myles forsaking the friendships he had with Tom and the others? Unlikely. He tried to imagine, somehow, if he had somehow gone against everything he'd been raised to and found it impossible. He still didn't believe Muggleborns were anything other than flukes. Even if Myles was different. He wondered if Myles would survive this year at Hogwarts or the war, he wondered if he had if there would ever be a friendship between them any more than this. Gilbert had once said once you left Hogwarts it didn't matter who your friends had been, he wondered if it mattered after. He could go long years with friends no one else had to necessarily know about, for he knew Myles would never cross paths with any of the Purebloods who would inhabit the rest of his life. His voice dropped a tad, and he swallowed hard. "I just think what it would have been if we'd been friends all this time, if we'd let ourselves." "What ifs are pointless, if it's the past we're talking about," Myles said with some force. "They'll drive you mad if you let them. What if you'd gone left instead of right, what if you hadn't been in that place at that time, what if you and I'd stayed friends, what if I'd gone 'round the corner with Grizel, what if Robbie was on a different ship. It doesn't matter what if if you can't do anything about it." His tone had turned bitter; he'd wasted too much time and energy on the question in his own head. There was a long silence between them, and Ally felt a familiar pang inside at the bitterness and melancholy in Myles' voice. He heard it so often in his own voice, sadness and anger, and he wished he knew how to make it go away, for both of them. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. He stopped and just watched Myles for a long moment, doubts and worries and what would have beens tumbling through his mind like pixies in a cage. There was Vera, and he liked Vera, in fact, he knew he could probably be pretty happy with Vera for a very long time if he let himself. But there was the fact that when Myles looked like that he wanted to take his hand and squeeze it hard, to make things the way he wished they could be between them. "For so many things." The words felt odd coming from him, and he barely stopped himself from choking them back unspoken. Myles didn't immediately respond, taking in Aloysius's tone but not quite understanding it. When he did try to speak again, there was a forced, strained lightness to it. "You know, if we're meant to be taking a break," he said, trying to pull the conversation away from the heavy and the emotional, "We ought to be discussing, I don't know, Quidditch or something. Except I've never got anything to say about Quidditch." Ally managed a laugh. "It's all right. I don't either." He could have chosen to let the moment pass, maybe. Probably he should. He tried, giving Myles a half hearted grin and nudging him again with his shoulder. Myles let out a rueful laugh. "Thank God. I think I'd feel more pressured in a conversation about sport than just about any other topic you could propose." He didn't quite return the nudge, but did--somewhat unconsciously--turn to open up a little more to Aloysius. "I suppose there's always chess, but honestly there has got to be some topic for us besides that, schooling, and … well, What Could Have Been," he added a bit dramatically. "Yeah. Possibly." As Myles turned half to face him, Aloysius tried fighting the urge to act on all the thoughts going through his head for probably the twentieth time in the past month. "I bet we could think of something. We are both very intelligent, it can't be that difficult." The distance between them was smaller somehow than it should be, and finally, in a reckless impulse, he closed it a little more. "Or we don't have to talk. If you don't want to." He left that as open and plain as it could be, and if Myles felt even a hint of what he did maybe he'd pick up on it. And if he didn't, well, it could be taken another way. Maybe. The smallest of warning bells went off somewhere in Myles's mind, though he couldn't articulate why. He didn't notice how close they were, not really, but there was something to Aloysius's tone he couldn't work out. After a moment he decided he was overthinking things; a bad habit he was absolutely prone to, to be sure. "I don't mind silence," he said finally, if that was the decision they were making. He didn't; he knew many people who got nervous and uncomfortable when there was nothing being said, but often Myles even prefered it. He glanced at Aloysius, trying to read his expression without looking like he was staring, but couldn't form any real conclusions from it. "Silence can be good." Aloysius said. There was a long one then, it seemed to stretch out interminably as he returned Myles' querying gaze, and a feeling of such longing crept through him he knew he couldn't ignore it, not completely. "Sometimes it's better than saying things." His fingers caught gently in the front of Myles' coat and after a moment he tugged him closer. "I don't want you to hate me." The words blurted out before he could help it. "I don't hate you," Myles responded immediately, though the bell got quite a bit louder as Aloysius got ahold of his coat and closed the distance between them. "Aloysius, what are you doing?" There was no anger in his voice, just confusion and, oddly, nervousness. Aloysius didn't, couldn't, really, say anything else, so instead he just leaned in, his mouth brushing just slightly over Myles'. His lips were cool and Aloysius felt like his own heart was about ready to burst out of his chest out of how scared he suddenly was, that this was a horrible idea, and he was maybe an awful person that he wanted it so much. Myles pulled away immediately, instinctually, out of Aloysius's grasp and away from the kiss. Was that a kiss? It had been so light, barely touching, but what else could he call it? Myles's mind reeled. "What are you--" he sputtered, unable to complete the thought as he stared back at the younger boy. "I'm not -- look, I--" He couldn't put anything into words properly, he felt so shocked and confused and -- he couldn't do much besides stare, and back away to keep a distance between them. The impulse and the tiny moment of happiness mixed up with fear that came from it faded as Myles pulled away from him, and Aloysius felt all his walls slapping back up almost immediately, the only hint to the sting of rejection he felt, the same sensation, honestly, he had gotten used to for most of his life from one person or another. "Don't get your self all tied up," he said. His voice sounded cold, his upperclass tones more pronounced even than usual. "It was just a lark." He tried to make it sound casual, as if it hadn't mattered, even if it so clearly had. There weren't a lot of things Myles was sure about at the moment, but it certainly hadn't felt like just a lark. "I need to get my Arithmancy work done," he said abruptly, changing directions to trek back the way they'd come. He didn't wait for Aloysius to agree or even to react. Lark or not, they'd have to deal with whatever it was that had just happened, but Myles didn't feel equipped to do it just now. For a moment, Aloysius just stared after him. His impulse was to let him go. His impulse was to punch the stone wall of the castle and possibly sit down and cry or hex people or any number of other things for his idiocy. It was just another thing he'd mucked up. Another example of how all the horrible thoughts he had about himself were true. "Myles." The word slipped out and then he hurried after the other boy across the snowy grown, slipping once before he caught up to him. "Please. Please wait." His voice was more scared now, younger sounding than it should be, and there was an unspoken plea in it for forgiveness. The sound of Aloysius's voice struck pitiably through Myles's fog and confusion, and he slowed, then stopped. "Look," he said, half-turning around but keeping his eyes low and not meeting Aloysius's. "It's fine. Can we just … it's fine." There was an uneasy edge to his voice, not matching his words. Aloysius kept his own gaze on the other boy's face, and the feelings of self hatred and loathing threatened to come up and choke him, until they spilled over somehow, tainting the way he looked at Myles. Who did he think he was? He wasn't good enough for him was he? Well it didn't matter, it wasn't as if anything could have ever happened with them, it wasn't as if even if Myles had reciprocated it could have gone anywhere. "All right." His own voice was tight, and finally a little angry, and he folded his arms across his chest, wanting to hurt Myles for making him feel this way, and wanting to just kiss him again, to beg him to think about it, to feel the same way he did. Part of him wanted him to suffer. He brushed past him, starting back up the hill towards Hogwarts himself, deciding he'd get his books and just go. There was no way he was staying in the library to study, not now. After Aloysius pushed past him, Myles slowed his pace, letting the distance between them grow all the way back to the castle entrance. He knew he shouldn't walk anywhere alone, but this time he had to make an exception. If he could, he'd have gone another direction entirely, somewhere else altogether so he could be alone and figure out what had happened and what he was going to do next. But though he could justify distance, he couldn't quite justify going off somewhere alone, so he kept on slowly. By the time he'd returned to the library, Aloysius's things were gone. Myles was relieved; when they did talk again, he'd rather some time had passed, even a few hours. He sat back down at his table, though no more focused than he was when he'd left it in the first place. |