Weekend Edition Cancer 8 & 9 2013 | Weather: high 90s, sunny
DEAR ELLIE
Ellie
Dear Ellie, My son married this lovely little thing in Sagittarius, but last Taurus she gave birth to a darling ten pound baby. Is it normal for a premature infant to be that big? - Wondering
Dear Wondering, Yes, it is quite normal. Regards, Ellie
Dear Ellie,
I am about to get married to the most wonderful man. His father is a wealthy merchant and the wedding is going to be a 500-seat affair at the cathedral, completely paid for, with the reception at the Sackheim Inn. That isn't the problem, obviously.
The problem is one of my bridesmaids. She's pregnant. I mean, that's not the problem, either, really, except that the dresses I've chosen for everyone to wear are green, and with the tiara and the dress, she looks exactly like a Marlboro King. I told her "Luc- I mean, uh, Sara, the baby isn't going to come out weighing 20 kg," but she got so fat anyway. And really, I've been planning this thing for a YEAR, way before she got pregnant. Isn't that super-inconsiderate of her?
Anyway, I need your advice: how can I tell her that she can't be in the bridal party? Please reply quick; the wedding is in three weeks.
Thanks so much!
Green-Eyed Bride
Dear Green-Eyed Bride,
How dreadful for you! The audacity of your friend daring to become pregnant before what is surely to be the most magical day of your life. Certainly, if you feel that she should not be in the party, it is most definitely your right. Simply explain to her that her protruding stomach will be dismaying to you and detract from your glowing effulgence.
In fact, if I may be so bold as to suggest this, you may wish to take stock of the rest of your bridal party. This is, after all, meant to be your day. Would you truly desire your best-looking friend to take the attention from you?
Or, you can simply get over yourself and get married whilst surrounded by people who ostensibly care for you. Your decision, of course.
Regards, Ellie
Dear Ellie,
My daughter, Eleanor, is a widow and the subject of many unseemly rumors. How might I go about convincing her that remarrying and dispelling the ridiculous things said about her is to her benefit? It is not as though she lacks for suitors; she just desires to be stubborn. Any insight into her behaviour would be most welcome.
Best regards, Mother Knows Best
Dear Mother, Your daughter is an adult. I would suggest you treat her as such. Regards, Ellie