Aspel Cassul: When in doubt, Aspel! (weaponry) wrote in emillion, @ 2014-09-14 21:20:00 |
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It had been a week since she’d last seen Ari. Admittedly, she’d been so distressed, and preoccupied that it was almost, almost something she could forget. Aspel could almost forget the bumbling conversation, the worry she’d had in the pit of her stomach that morning when she’d left Ari alone when she full well knew there was some sort of serious conversation that needed to be had. Aspel could almost forget the surprise, then upsetness that was immediately mixed with seething and confusion that struck her all at once when she’d read the note. She could almost forget the pain she felt after it had sunk in, the - near - betrayal that lingered, that haunted her heart, the… It was almost possible to forget Ari, if it wasn’t for the fact that she was utterly, completely unforgettable in every sense of the word. However, Aspel had done her damndest to work around that little, tiny gnawing thought, feeling, fact for the past week. If it weren’t for every time she saw a bottle of red wine… Or heard someone talk about a play… Or smelled the scent of honey (every time she had a cup of tea)... Or heard a bright, chipper voice greet someone merrily, or……. Faram, Ari was impossible to forget. Though, it wasn’t the bard that Aspel really wished to forget. It was the sudden, almost sickening level of rage, and hurt she felt whenever her eyes laid upon that note once again. At this point, she could at least think of it without wanting to lash out against something - anything - and rip, rend, tear, and break it into bits so tiny that they would appear like nothing more than dust in the wind. Today, today though, Aspel could - would - not think of Ari. She had gotten up, gone to church and now would shop for her various goods for the week, and then go home with enough meals to shut herself in for the rest of the day, and drink herself to sleep. It seemed easiest, best. Now, the trick was, trying to do this without finding something that reminded her of Ari. It would certainly have been easier to do, one assumed, without the bard herself coming into the picture, but the Bazaar, while large, was not so large, and their tastes had aligned on more than one item in the past, so perhaps it was not too surprising that just as Aspel was considering how to keep Ari off her mind, Ari herself would turn the corner , clearly aiming for a shop on this very same street. Ari’s week had not been marked by ease and merriment, either. For one, her best friend had seemingly decided to cut her from her life whatever Ari had to say about the matter, and then there was Drake with his… unexpected issues (they could have been hilarious, if only they weren’t quite so impactful on her, personally), and that chorister who seemed intent on following her about, and of course, one could not forget Aspel, and the note she had left, and the complete silence since then. Quite apparent, then, that her bumbled confession had not been greeted with any sort of positive emotion. Whether Aspel was annoyed, or angry, or just… indifferent didn’t really matter, did it? Her silence was answer enough and… ...And running into the woman herself while these thoughts circled through her mind was not Ari’s idea of a fine way to spend Sunday afternoon, but she’d been distracted enough that they were nearly upon each other before she realized it, and she nearly jumped at the shock of having the subject of her thoughts appear as if summoned from her mind. Honestly, she might have simply turned around and slunk away before she was noticed (running away, it seemed, was becoming a theme), only it appeared she had been noticed, and, well, if Aspel didn’t want to see her, she could just walk by, now couldn’t she? All right, it was self-indulgent and she was certainly pitying herself, but she nodded her head in a facsimile of greeting and then just kept it down, the better to keep from displaying her somewhat stricken expression. “Hello.” And maybe that would be that. Maybe Aspel would ignore her as she had been, and she’d just keep going, so that she didn’t have to feel quite so vulnerable right in the middle of the street, where anyone could see. Aspel instantly felt her stance stiffen up at the other woman suddenly before her. Was she - perhaps - hallucinating? Had something been in that last drink she’d taken? Had she finally, maybe, drinken her brain into improper functioning? With jaw tightening, and her movements somewhat tense a small bow of her head was offered in return to the words - perhaps this wasn’t a hallucination after all - before taking a hard swallow. “Good day.” The mix of emotions welling up inside was hard to decipher, to understand in any way, shape, or form. The blistering anger didn’t appear there, but lingered, mixing in with confusion, frustration, displeasure, and……. How much she’d actually missed the other woman in the last week. It was the sound of Aspel’s voice, in the end, that halted her steps. She could have walked away, still -- these words were hardly a warm greeting -- but she had missed the sound of Aspel’s voice too much to simply continue walking as though she hadn’t heard it. She looked up, uncertain whether to be heartened or further saddened by the unreadable expression on Aspel’s face. She tried to school her own, though her attempts likely met with only partial success. (She recalled, suddenly, their run-in several weeks after the events in Aries; somehow she thought this, too, had a high probability of ending in tears.) And probably just watching Aspel’s face for a change of expression was not the right thing to be doing now; she dropped her eyes and murmured, “I’m sorry.” For being in the way, mostly, though, she supposed, for a few other things too. Aspel let the silence between them linger for a moment, her muscles still tense, and jaw still tight. Eyes rolled over Ari, trying to figure out how the other woman had been, yet something inside of her just didn’t quite want to ask, not right now, not yet. Instead, with her chest feeling like it was constricting in on itself, the smith cleared her throat. “For?” “Um.” Not the sort of word uttered by verbose Arielle Chiaro, generally, but she was not really herself around Aspel lately, and especially not now. “Everything,” she muttered; it seemed a safe enough bet when she couldn’t exactly work out what to apologize for (being on the same street on accident? perhaps falling in love in the first place? the wording of the note? the general existence of it? who could know?). “You don’t have to talk to me.” The hurt came through loud and clear, though she attempted to curb it. “I’ll go.” There was another pause, as Aspel attempted to figure out what it was she wanted, or even could say. The response at least didn’t make her angry, but at the same time, it didn’t make her any less frustrated, confused, or any other long series of emotions she’d been entangled in as of late. “Everything… Is not particularly… specific.” The sentence was broken, it felt stumbled through in some regards, and with the pauses needed to complete the thought, it probably sounded just as broken as it felt. However, Aspel’s reign over remaining rather collected continued to hold, despite her fears against it falling away any second. “You ought to figure out what for.” The words were a bit low, not angry, not upset, but… Oddly gentle. A suggestion of a sort. “It may not be specific but it is at least inclusive.” Of literally everything. Really, that was best. “If you… require an apology for something specific, you’ll have to tell me what it is.” There might have been a bit of petulance in her tone but… well, at least Aspel was talking to her now. Sort of. A hard swallow was taken, her jaw tightening at Ari’s second response as the first was somewhat easy to gloss over since - oddly enough - Aspel could recognize the state the bard seemed to be in as one she’d experienced herself many times before. “You truly have not a single clue?” There was the faintest hint of surprise in the words, as the smith’s features did lighten some, giving way for uncertainty to crack through the unreadable exterior. How this wasn’t obvious seemed mind boggling but…. What else could she be upset with? As much as Aspel’s mind tried to grasp what else might be possibly going on, she just…. Couldn’t figure anything else that could possibly be the problem out. “I have too many clues.” And this was beginning to go from uncomfortable to mildly exasperating; was she really being lectured like a small child to go sit in the corner until she could recite back what she had done wrong!? The spark of annoyance was better than the dismal sadness, anyway. And maybe it might have been easier to say, I have my answer and go but she had passed a point where she could give up her stake and walk away months ago now. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to fix this (to make Aspel see that in fact she needed Ari too) -- it was that she couldn’t begin to think how to do it, and currently her pride was hurting more than a bit, because she’d never attempted to confess something of this magnitude before, and she had tried, in her own way, but Aspel’s response had been a silence so stony that it was clear her few words had not been met with approval. “I don’t want to -- I didn’t mean,” she changed course mid-sentence, “to be in your way.” Once again there was a delay before response, a mildly elongated silence as her eyes remained on the woman before her attempting to put the pieces together once more. What clues were there? Aspel didn't even know what other things could be wrong the more she turned this over in her head. However, a beat after Ari's failed attempt at a sentence the smith cleared her throat. "I would like for you to finish that sentence." Her tone remained softened, but still, on some level, a little guarded. Was it the first time she had ever made such a direct request of the bard? Perhaps, but somehow it seemed the only natural response to the situation right now. Though.... Before Ari could speak again Aspel stepped in a bit closer so that she could lower her voice. "I believe if we are to have a more serious conversation that it may be best to relocate somewhere a bit more private, no?" There was no anger, no hint at any explosion about to happen even remotely soon as an eyebrow quirked up at the bard and Aspel paused to wait for an answer. Who says I want to have a serious conversation? She had the wherewithal not to say it, at least, because it would cause exactly what she was trying to avoid -- a confrontation. Instead she said, “I doubt you will find its completion… edifying. But if you want to talk to me now --” No, better not to go down that road. “I wasn’t doing anything important.” She could hardly remember what she had been doing, really; why did Aspel have to be so difficult? “If you want a more serious conversation,” which she, personally, did not want, but apparently she was going to let that lie, for now, “we can go wherever you like.” The… pauses, the discomfort felt familiar, and… Was not appeasing in the least. “I believe it would be best.” Was the answer offered in response to Ari’s commentary regarding her desire for a more serious conversation, and with that the smith’s head raised, allowing her eyes to shift and look about the area. No, there wasn’t really anywhere good to talk here. Pausing, Aspel wetted her lips. “Would you be willing to accompany me to The Armory?” “I…” really would prefer not to was swallowed back, somehow; no matter how much she didn’t fancy the idea of being in Aspel’s shop or apartment right now, she supposed they were better off there than making more fodder for the rumormongers, who had finally decided to leave them alone lately. She sighed, and finished, “...suppose I can do that.” Maybe she’d just… stay close to the door. In case things got miserable (again) and she had to cry or bolt. She did not like crying, especially not for an audience, unless it was on stage. For some reason, Aspel nearly felt her heart leap into her throat when Ari seemed to pause, debating the answer to the question. However, when the answer was yes - even if a strained yes - the tension died away. “Mm.” A slight sigh slipped out from a breath she didn’t know she was holding, and Aspel gestured in the direction they needed to go, absently holding an arm out for Ari to take - it was so heavily ingrained she hadn’t even realized it was done until it was too late - before starting down the path to the Armory. (As for Ari, she nearly took the arm -- likewise out of habit -- before thinking better of it and concentrating instead on her steps and working out what -- if anything -- to say upon arrival.) The walk wasn’t long, and the smith wasn’t really sure what to say before allowing them both inside, and then moving to begin settling various things onto the workshop counter without a glance back at what Ari had chosen to do. A few more moments of silence would linger before she cleared her throat. “I…” A beat as she considered her words. “I am uncertain how we have gotten here.” Another pause. “I am uncertain what you feel you need to apologize for as well.” Aspel fell silent once more with her back still turned to the bard. “Additionally, I…” There was a lingering feeling there, a sort of insight that she should have something wonderful and miraculous to say here, but she didn’t entirely know what it was. Instead, a frustrated sigh was released. “I am angry with you.” A beat. “And upset.” Another brief silence. “And confused.” These words were less stern though and undoubtedly, a considerable amount more…. vulnerable, even edging on hurt. It was funny, or almost funny. Did Aspel really think she knew how they’d gotten here? Ari had returned from Montmartre with lofty ambitions of arranging her life, making things right or better one measure at a time, and it felt like they’d gone back past the time signature. So here she was, back against the wall, watching Aspel’s movements as though she were a wary dreamhare eyeing a predator, which was ridiculous because she wasn’t afraid, she was just... “I imagined,” she said once the silence had stretched out too long, “that you were upset with me, yes.” Angry she hadn’t really expected, but… “Considering you’ve made an obvious show of your preference not to talk to me.” And that had hurt far worse than she had imagined it might. Somehow, she had counted on Aspel’s indulgence yet again (she’d said as much, hadn’t she?) and had been greeted instead with cold. “So I suppose I apologize for the fact that you’re upset. It wasn’t my intent to upset you. Trust me when I say this is not what I had in mind either; I’m hardly doing any of this,” a vague, frustrated gesture with her hands, “for my own amusement.” There was a moment where she listened, taking in all of Ari’s words before sighing again, a hand coming up to allow fingers to comb through her hair once again. Shifting, her own weight was leaned against the counter, and eyes narrowed thoughtfully, attempting to suss all of this out as her arms came up and loosely folded across her midsection. Finally, she found words. “A note?” Hurt streaked nakedly across her face as eyes rose to lay squarely on the bard. Ari’s response to the look was equal parts exasperation and confusion, “Yes, a note. There was a note. You wanted to know what was on my mind. I told you in the best way I could.” Words had escaped her at the time and anyway, she had made herself clear, and if Aspel had actually contacted her to talk about it at the time, she might have tried again, but instead, silence, which was an answer of its own. “If you didn’t like the contents -- rather, let me rephrase, since you didn’t like the contents -- you can feel free to throw it in the trash and not be bothered about it anymore. Easier for everyone.” And that was finally the feather that broke the chocobo’s back as Aspel’s jaw tightened, teeth clenching together and self felt that familiar rage of before seep into her bones once more. “It would be ideal if you would allow me to deem which parts of this situation I have problem with and which I do not without telling me how to handle my own life.” One hand balled into a fist, fingernails digging into the palm of her own hand in an attempt to calm herself. “After all this time, and everything that has happened, you give me a blasted note?!” Words were being missed again as feelings flooded, and anger began to boil. “I have talked to you about so much, and for the love of fucking Faram, I get a blasted note?!” Exasperation, anger, frustration, hurt… All that had lingered for the past week as she had tried to sort everything out in her own head had began to seep out, and there was no saving either of them now from this talk. “Did you expect a serenade?” The words burst out unchecked; Aspel’s obvious anger was not particularly conducive to her own calm. “I told you, I don’t know what to do about any of this! I tried to talk to you -- I failed -- I wrote it down because I thought you should know -- but my apologies if I ought to have kept it to myself until I could recreate a scene out of some suitably romantic drama or -- or I don’t know, written it across the sky in fireworks!” She glared back. “I told you that if you wanted to talk about it, you could contact me -- I gave you an out because clearly I suspected that you didn’t want any of this, either -- and I wasn’t going to sit there on your couch and watch your face as you tried to hide your -- your discomfort and find a nice way to tell me I’d lost my mind so yes,” she finished, “a blasted note, that’s right, which, as mentioned, you can feel free to throw away -- or not because I have no intention of telling you how to handle your life when I can barely handle mine.” The initial response shocked Aspel into silence. However the rest of it, as it cumulated into something more of a ridicule picture as Ari carried on would finally earn a sharp retort of it's own. "Have I ever asked of you something like that?!" Now the blistering rage she'd felt walker this week had fully returned. It was not completely queer by Ari's lack of ideas on what to do, but something within that vulnerability did help it to calm at least some which let her wriggling for words once more. "I do not." Aspel's eyes fell away, as if searching for something that perhaps she hadn't a clue where to find. "I am uncertain my feelings on the context of the note. It is the method it was the way in which the information was shared that upsets me most." “You do not what, exactly?” Ari demanded, then quickly answered it herself: “No, never mind, it doesn’t matter.” The fact that Aspel didn’t know how to feel about the contents of the note stung too, a bit harder than she wanted to admit. (She supposed, in her usual selfish way, she had assumed that if she ever deigned give her heart, the recipient would be pleased, not… ambivalent.) “Next time, I’ll keep my feelings to myself,” she muttered. “My apologies.” Aspel couldn't help but grit her teeth, really the balling of one fist was all she could do to keep from growling like some blasted upset animal right now. Her gaze rose again to try to lock on Ari's yet if successful or not a low, displeased voice slipped out. "I know that I have been angry, upset, confused and yet still passionately missed you all this week. However, if that matters not, and if you feel you are done with this conversation that I am trying to have with you regardless of how bothered I may be you are welcome to leave." And really if Ari did, that would hurt more than any words the bard might ever say. “I am trying to have this conversation,” Ari replied, annoyed. “If I wasn’t, I’d have found the door already.” And the thought was very tempting. “I apologized for upsetting you -- I explained the note -- I told you you don’t owe me anything as it relates to the context -- so what, exactly, do you want from me? If you missed me --” No, absolutely not, she refused to let any emotion other than anger through, “-- I was waiting to hear from you, and missing you, and thinking you didn’t want me around anymore, and not knowing what to do about it, but…” She sighed again, both hands raking back through her hair, which she was semi-seriously considering tugging at. “I don’t know what to do,” she repeated, hopelessness creeping in to mix with the frustration. “I did the best I could under the circumstances. If I’d known you’d have such vitriol over a piece of paper I wouldn’t have written the note.” Wouldn’t have said anything, most likely. Even with Drake -- and she knew his feelings -- she couldn’t choke the proper words out. "To tell me next time with words." The words were frustratedly spat out before she could even stop herself from saying them, and they were, in fact, somewhat of a shock to herself. Had she just admitted that she wanted to hear Ari say those things? That there would be a next time? It was more in reference to Ari having something important to say than not, right? Then why didn't it feel as... Aspel's eyes shifted to the ground, swallowing hard as she suddenly felt obscenely uncomfortable and even more confused. "For you, I have always found words." “Well, we’ve always known that you’re stronger than I am,” Ari replied, suddenly tired. “If you want words, I --” a swallow, a change of direction, “I think you’ll be waiting for a very long time. Which is why I said, you can just… forget I said -- wrote -- anything if you’d rather.” All Aspel had for a good few moments was silence. Maybe she was stronger than Ari physically but… Somehow, she desperately doubted that mentally, or perhaps emotionally, that was really the case at all. She was simply better at boxing things up within her own head until there were too many boxes to hide anymore. “When it.” The sentence cut off as the smith struggled with it. “is important.” Another pause. “A topic. I… I want to know, to think, to… To believe that perhaps, maybe, I can be as worthy of your trust as I have tried to show that you are of mine. I… I want you to not feel fear in coming to me when your troubles in life or your… Your emotions. Even if you deem them silly, consider them unworthy.” There was another pause as Aspel’s eyes lingered across the floor, a hand coming up to allow fingers to rake through her hair. “If that note has any truth to it, I want to feel like I know that you will trust me not to hurt you, even when I fear it for myself.” Honestly, at this point, she wasn’t sure if her words were making any sense, but the anger had long since drained away, and all that was left was a lingering pain, one she couldn’t conceal anymore. This had hurt her, it had cut deep. Not only after all the times she had struggled to find words for Ari, Ari in turn could not find words for her, it was also handled in such a way, done in such a manner that then, and even now, it just made everything seem….. Made her feel…. Was she lost once again? “I didn’t lie,” she huffed. Why in the world she would have written such an incendiary thing for amusement boggled the mind. “It isn’t about trust…” she paused to consider it a moment, then amended, “exactly. In this one instance, it really can be just about me and not you. If I didn’t trust you more than just about anyone I wouldn’t have tried to talk to you, or written that accursed note,” which she was quite strongly regretting at the moment. “I wasn’t planning on this, you know,” she said quietly. I wasn’t planning on you. “I’ve been putting off saying anything for… awhile. That I wrote that note at all was a show of my trust. Even though you didn’t even want a far simpler promise, when I tried to give it to you.” “I did not…. I do not.” Aspel was really starting to find herself at a loss for words, she’d said exactly what she felt, had laid all of her issues with this, and all cards she’d been hiding out on the table. Stopping any attempt at talking she slowly inhaled, sucking in a long deep breath, and slowly letting it out as Ari continued on. There was a lot of things to process here, to try to grasp, but finally, only one thing seemed really, deeply worth addressing. “But I did take your promise though.” A beat. “And I did not mean to imply that you would lie about this.” Another pause. “I had not ever considered it a lie. It was a matter of improper wording. My apologies.” Aspel paused wetting her lips. Mind wandering over everything that was happening now, everything that had happened in both recent and far past. “I never have been in a relationship of this sort you know.” The statement was distance, unsure, and quite uncertain. She’d never really… Told Ari her past. Not all of it at least. She’d started once in a roundabout way, and… Well, they’d never really gone much further on that. “Wonderful, that makes two of us, then, which bodes so very excellently well.” Mostly, it just made her feel even more at sea about all this. “And you took it with qualifications of returning it on any given day. It was not a response that would inspire confidence even in a romantic,” it was hard not to sneer a bit at that word, even now, “or an optimist. I am not the former and sometimes reconsider being the latter.” On the one hand, the obvious anger appeared to have abated, on the other… “So that’s that,” she said with a helpless little shrug. Serious conversation somewhat accomplished. And no one could accuse her of not trying, even through extreme discomfort. Honestly, Aspel would have preferred feeling angry and upset more so than the confused and defeated she felt now. At least then she didn’t feel lost, and helpless. The… Snark of sorts was far from missed, and that hurt too. The smith had tried to lay bare her emotions as much as she could muster and it was met with… This. “As you….” The similar sentence began, and then died in her throat. “No.” A beat. “That is not that.” Another pause. “I was hurt due to how you communicated what you felt, not by what you felt.” A slight discomfort worked its way into her stance. “I was confused by what you felt, and I do not understand how you could feel that way.” Aspel swallowed. “I am not used to love, I was raised that it is something that will be taken away with a simple disagreement, a lack of seeing eye to eye. I was taught that admiration will be abused. I lived in a world for years, that love and abuse, and hurt were one in the same.” Just because she could recognize what it was, didn’t mean she felt it was particularly wrong for her to have endured. “I…” A beat. “This.” A hand rose, gesturing between the two of them. “This is nothing I know. It is nothing I have… Encountered before. It baffles me. Confuses me, and I suspect in some ways I fear you shall find out that I am not the person you think I am, that maybe I am not a person capable of……. Love.” A swallow was taken. “Not the kind that you deserve.” And those words came out low, filled with sorrow, and a clear strain. For, to Aspel, she’d never really learned how to love, she’d only learned twisted and perverted versions of what it could, and for many, likely ever would be. “I have long suspected that you were raised by people who cared more about appearances than you. Perhaps that’s harsh, but since we’re being honest.” And her belief had only been reaffirmed by Rictor’s (no longer Ric to her) deplorable behavior -- and that was not the topic at hand. “That aside, I know what kind of person you are, and I didn’t ask you for… anything.” Even in this context, that word wasn’t in any hurry to come out. “If you never -- I mean -- it’s not about what I dereve or don’t.” Hard enough to cope with her feelings at all, but considering the idea that Aspel might not choose to return them… well, she’d not really considered it until recently, and the last week, she’d thought of little else. “I just thought you should know. I apparently picked your least preferred method in the entire world of telling you about it, but I can’t go back so there’s very little I can think of to do at this point.” Other than going on as though nothing had happened… or, worse, going on as they had been this week. It seemed silence was becoming a great friend to her in this conversation as there were no words initially in response to Ari’s assessment of her family, but only a slight wince that she instantly hoped didn’t show too much. However, as Ari continued on, the thought faded away and a Aspel shifted uncomfortably. “I…” A beat. “I suspect I am trying to tell you that I…. I do not know if I know how to love.” A pause. “But I…” And this was the problem with everything with Ari wasn’t it? With Ari, there was always a ‘but’. “I hurt when I can not help you, I am sad when you are sad, I smile when I know you are happy. It gives me pleasure to know that I can bring a smile to your face, and it… It makes me want to do it often. Do it more.” Aspel swallowed. “I am not sure I know how to love properly, I may be too broken for that, but I…. I also struggle to imagine my life without you.” And well, Ari could take that however she would. Aspel wasn’t sure she had it within her to even remotely try to explain anything anymore. “It comes at you,” Ari said, and she wasn’t even resentful about it anymore, mostly just resigned. “I don’t think it’s a matter of knowing. I don’t know. It didn’t matter.” No, it really, really hadn’t mattered at all, had it? “With all of that…” She had to pause to collect her thoughts for a moment -- with Aspel saying things like those, was it any wonder Ari had assumed for months now that her feelings were shared? “I suspect you are doing better than I am at this, all in all. I’m just stumbling along and making someone I -- making you upset. I don’t intend to go anywhere,” she said, a bit forcefully (these words, at least, she could give). “You’ve tried to push me away before and it never worked for long -- it certainly wouldn’t work now. I don’t like it when you’re upset with me.” There was a bit of vulnerability on her tone as she jumped topics, just as suddenly as she had done earlier. Her mind was everywhere at once. “I hate it when you ignore me. It makes me feel… I just don’t like it. And I don’t know what to do and I didn’t ask for any of this and I’m demonstrably dreadful at all of it, but contrary to what you may believe, in my own way, I am trying. For you.” A pause. “I wouldn’t, ordinarily. You’re… in a unique position in my life.” Someone without whom she couldn’t fathom going on with things at all. “I…” Aspel fell silent, trying to suss out anything she could about the whole mess. “I am just enjoying that you humor me as you do.” A certain sadness crept into her smile. “I know some day that will change, but for now I…” And once again she found herself without words. “I am enjoying it.” A pause. “Enjoying what you give me of you.” Though… Ari’s determination, her openness - while still seeming not really able to say much at all even if it was understood to some level - this was all Aspel had really wanted all along. Enough words from Ari, and enough wits about herself, to be able to grasp what was more or less going on, and… “I am not fond of being upset with you either.” Aspel shifted, once again uncomfortable. “It… Hurts.” That was terrible wording, but… “Being upset with you, and wanting you at the same time makes everything just… Worse.” It was an… Awkward thing to admit even if it was true in its own regard. “I…” A beat. “I can never fully ignore you.” A pause. “I… There are…. There are too many things that remind me of you, and I. I suspect I turn away from you because I wish not to fight with you, or…” There was an uncomfortable shift. “Let you see just how much of a broken, confused, lost hume I really am.” Because, in the end of the day, Aspel trying to figure herself out was almost always why she secluded herself. “I have not the faintest how.” A weak smile was offered, the words clearly self deprecating in their own way at Ari’s assessment of Aspel - effectively - being special in some way. "I am neither humoring you nor anticipating a... change in my feelings in your direction." It was frustrating that Aspel still thought she was simply amusing herself temporarily, though... she supposed she had given some reason to think of her in that way. She had not been the sort to seek commitments in the past. Well, eventually, Aspel would realize she was taking this seriously, note or not. Until then... "Fortunately, you don't need to fathom how or why. And I suspect I'd rather not show you the worst side of me, either, but in the end, we all have something like that. I still don't think you're quite as broken as you say but... I did tell you, didn't I, that I'd help where I could? Perhaps that's not much, but I'm generally decent at finding my way, so it's something." She shrugged her shoulders faintly and added, "So since you don't like fighting and I don't like fighting, let's not." She paused. "That was the end of that sentence you were so interested in, by the way. I don't want to fight." Now she could offer a small, tentative smile back -- as always, her temper had flared, then blown over. “I won’t deny being pleased that you find me so… memorable.” A question in her head rose, a pondering of if Ari really had a ‘worst’ side. As if anything the other woman could do would never be nearly atrocious enough to warrant any sort of real concern from the smith at all. Though…. There was consideration given to the bard’s words that was written clear as day across Aspel’s face. Ari had offered that before, and now, here she was… Offering again… And in some weird way, perhaps, now in this instance, it felt even more real than it had before. Was this offer more genuine than before? Aspel hadn’t the faintest, but… She believed this one more than the first. That was without doubt. However, Aspel would still seem the faintest bit distressed. “I am still upset with you.” Though, her heart wasn’t fully in the words at all. In fact, they were more akin to a pouty child at this point than anything else. Pausing a moment, eyes slowly crept up, coming to rest upon Ari once more, and a thought flickered by. Aspel wasn’t entirely sure she was ready for it but…. “Give me a memorable reason to not?” The request was not exactly expected, but at the same time, hadn’t the conversation seemed to be headed here? It was a pattern of a sort, after they cleared the air this way. And her back no longer felt glued to the wall; the dread in the pit of her stomach had eased somewhat as Aspel’s tone had gentled (it was still not quite right, but then this situation was strange enough that Ari was willing to let it go). So she stepped forward, trying not look as hesitant as she felt, and after only a moment of thought, folded her arms around Aspel’s waist to simply hold on to her. Not, perhaps what the invitation had implied, but… Well, there was more between them but heat, and simply holding Aspel close for a breath or two went a great deal further in making her feel like things were -- or soon would be -- all right. Only a few moments later, she looked up to meet Aspel’s eyes, and her smile was considerably less uncertain as she said, “I will try my best to make it up to you.” Not quite the way she’d envisioned spending her afternoon, but she thought she was up to the challenge -- and the change of plans. Now, the trick was, trying to do this without finding something that reminded her of Ari...... |