WHO: Titus & Badr WHEN: Elysium Time WHERE: Out and About SUMMARY: The prince's puppet show has a very curious story... CW: N/A
Was he even going to the bookstore to find secrets anymore? The last couple of visits, all Baldr had found was dirtyâand highly fantasticalâstories about Erlantz romancing Chosen Naseer and the ancient Chosen of Fire, Kaien. It was clear that there were only random books about the once Chosen of Light, and none of them had anything useful to say about the events of olde, save to verify names perhaps lost in time. Now Badr was just going and looking for them because he wanted to find one about Erlantz and Kamari, and he was determined to find that fiction, because that fiction had a basis in reality and it was also the way things should be, because Erlantz loved Kamaria! Not any of the other Chosen.
Though he also thought maybe he would overall enjoy explicit scenes with Erlantz and another man more (as a reader). But he still didnât want Erlantz to be with anyone who wasnât Kamaria. Maybe he was getting too fixated on that. Time was moving forward too quickly, and soon his time in Serenitas would come to a close. Who knew what would happen next? Maybe he would go back to Simurgh and live his days quietly, things such as Catastrophes being the next Chosen of Songâs problem. Maybe the world was about to collapse in on itself, and there was no telling how his life might look going forward. There were apprehensions to be had either way.
And maybe he was filling a gap with these foolish booksâa Titus-shaped gap. Filling his brain with fantasies as he tried to run away from reality. Heâd always wanted to be a dragoon, but really, wasnât he only a frightened bunny? Titus came near, and he had somewhere else to be. He wanted to stand close, as they had not so long ago. But he was afraid. If there was going to be calamity, if there was going to be warâŚ
The thought of anyone he loved dying on his behalf was horrid.
And also horrid was that lingering fear that if he was not careful, Titus might truly stop talking to him. He had, many times, said things without understanding. What was common sense in Simurgh was heresy outside the sacred forest. Heâd not been aware enough of it, and he expected heâd largely been given a pass, since he was an honored guest of Simurgh. But heâd become increasingly aware that his understanding of the world was considered intrinsically immoral to many of the people around himâŚand that included Titus. Not even speaking of Erlantz, or the true nature of Crystalism, heâd begun to fear that anything he said might end up reason for Titus to really stop talking to him.
Still, with his books in a satchel, sagging and bulking against his thigh, he did not walk straight back to the academy. He was familiar enough with this neighborhood now⌠He had even begun to befriend the children around the area, bringing them little cakes and fruits from the dining hall. He wondered if it was a bad idea to be such a familiar figure in this part of Serenitas, but he found that there was something about this area that felt less sterile. It wasnât a forest, it wasnât nature, but it felt more alive and more real to him.
So with that hefty bag of books bruising the side of his leg, he made his way to the little square where he had once found Titus in disguise, entertaining the children with sweets and puppets. He wanted to see him. He wanted to be close again. He did not want to only ever steal the briefest glances from across the room (as he had begun to doâso different from before), or communicate with half-burned food left outside the princeâs door. He wanted to stand close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Titusâs body. He wanted to smile up at him like he always had, like he was looking up at the sun on a fine dayâŚ
He had arrived in the square and was now standing at the intersection of little streets. The bag was clutched to his chest. Behind it, his heart twisted and constricted between his ribs. It hurt. It was the hurt he knew that he would feel every day after he left Serenitas, and yet he had already lost so much time⌠He did not know what to do. He waited for the feeling to pass.
Titus was there at his usual spot with his puppets, hiding behind the curtains and already in the middle of one of the little tales that he weaved. âFrom this ivory tower I shall sing, hoping my dreams will be carried by the wind,â he said, moving the puppet that was dressed like a prince. He then began to sing, his voice soft and melodic, doing little dances with the puppet, his fingers deft, used to playing these shows for the kids, and displaying a level of finesse he usually lacked.
Badr looked up. The corners of books were jabbing his ribs. He didnât lower the bag. A sweet voice was drifting from the center of the square, and his heart was now both aching and leaping. How did people survive being in love? The things it did to himâŚthe highest highs and lowest lows. Sometimes he wasnât sure he could endure such extremes. Especially when he felt both at once. Heâd started becoming accustomed to fleeing when he spotted Titus, and so part of him thought he should hurry and go back to school before he was noticed. But he missed Titus so badly⌠He just wanted to be in the same vicinity, without having to do anything one way or anotherâjust for a few minutes.
He didnât come as close as the children, but he shuffled closer to the stage. Titus really did have a beautiful singing voice. It was sad that he would never be able to visit Simurgh. Were he to do some training, he would make a talented bard. His arms were starting to ache from the weight of his bag, but he continued to hold it anyway, closing his eyes and enjoying the sound of Titusâs voice. He wished it could just be for him, but if he did keep his eyes closed, he could pretend.
As Titus continued to sing, a puppet of a knight arrived from one side of the stage, moving here and there, as if he were searching for the source of the voice. He wrapped up the song with a final note before he spoke. âOh, just where you might be, my beloved friend? If only I were to reach your side and rescue you from your prison so the entire realm could rejoice from your voice. Wait a moment! I hear it!â The knight puppet got closer to the tower, and Titus moved the puppet to convey shock. âItâs you, my friend! You came for me!â
Badrâs little moment of reverie abruptly ended. He started at the dialog, eyes shooting openâwondering if Titus was, in fact, talking to him. But there were the puppetsâŚand the prince hidden behind the stage. He moved closer, standing just behind the children now. He was still clutching his bag, though he had forgotten the way his arms had grown sore now, holding it tighter than ever. What was this? Why had Titus written this? His mouth twitched, and then he laughed softly at what he thought was the princeâs impression of himâimmediately ducking his head shyly. It was, he thought, better than the stories heâd been filtering through from the hidden bookstore. Titus hadnât been ignoring him, he knew that, but he hadnât been sure if Titus missed Badr as much as Badr missed Titus.
What did Titus think of him?
What did it mean that he could threaten to stop talking to him, but then offer his very life? What did it mean that he could believe Badr when he said that Song, at least, had been a lie, but wouldnât even acknowledge Erlantzâs existence? The lines were oddly drawnâat least in Badrâs understanding. He didnât know when he would step over the wrong one, and yetâŚ
He held his breath, waiting to see how the knight would rescue the prince.
Titus thought he recognized that laugh, but he didnât stop his show over a guess.
âOf course I came for you. Weâre best friends for life, right?â The knight stood by the tower, gasping as he looked up. âFear not, weâll be together watching the stars and holding hands in no time.â The knight dashed away from view before returning with a big stair made out of paper. He then climbed upstairs, showing one off Titus sleeves, but he had dressed in all black in hopes it would not stand out against the stage. Holding the prince in his arms, the knight returned to the ground victoriously.
âNow we can go see the world together in a big adventure, thatâs what you secretly wanted, right?â The prince nodded his head and hugged the knight before they walked off the side of the stage, and Titus hummed along until they were both out of view.
Best friends who hold hands and gaze at the starsâŚ
Badr kind of wished that Gaius were there, so that maybe he would see why this was a little confusing for Badr. But the thought was brief and unimportant, because Titus's puppets had just expressed something that Badr truly did want, and he was not sure he had ever so blatantly said it to the prince, so to be understood so clearlyâŚhow many people ever had? Spring would speed along, and if the world stayed peaceful, he would return home and his adventures would endâbrief though they had been thus far. In Simurgh, after all, there was nothing so admirable as peace, and so a Chosen of Song who never had any real adventures, only wisdom to be passed down, was considered a symbol of harmony and happy times. This made sense to him. His people did not want to live in danger or turmoilâit would be strange to desire that for them. He didnât want to either. Who wanted to be frightened or confused, to lose the people and things they held dear?
But not all adventures had to be frightening, or perilous. Sometimes, they could just be finding something new in the world, and how badly he did want to see all those new and unexpected things next to Titus⌠He didnât want the school year to end. He didnât want to retreat to safety and quiet (though he had wanted it so badly the first couple of weeks). He wanted to see the ocean. He wanted to ride an airship through the clouds. He even wanted to see what life was like on each of Donnersbergâs landships. But most of all, Badr just wanted to stand beside Titus, to bask in his warmth, in the light of his smile, for a little longer. A âlittle longerâ always ended up being even longer still, but he didnât want to be like Kamaria and bury himselfâto make do and emotionally martyr himself.
Of course, what he really wanted wasâŚstrange and objectionable to Simurghian sentiment, but he had learned that his country, which prided itself on being knowledgeable and socially advanced, was more prideful than progressive. For Simurgh to be as good and great as it could beâŚ
He looked up as the children started hooting and hollering and yelling for more songs. He wasnât sure if the show was over, or if he should flee. He tugged his shawl down over his hair, nearly down to his eyes. It was very little disguise. The colors and patterns were so very clearly from Simurgh. But he didnât know what expression he should wear when Prince Titus stepped away from his stage to greet the children. He was not sure he was ever intended to see this story. After all, it was supposed to be the princeâs secret. He wished that everything hadnât become awkward. He wished that Prince Titus would ask to guide him through all the little celebrations surrounding the Spring Ceremony. He wished everything was as clear and simple as it had been last autumnâŚonly better because he was no longer so bullheaded as to turn a blind eye to the princeâs good points.
He had been wasting time from the beginning if he was being honest. Always him, never Titus. He, who was the greediest for time spent togetherâŚwas the one most in his own way. But it wasnât that simple either, was it? He sighed softly and looked up as the kids began to surge forward, all shouting for attention at once. He wasnât sure what expression he should wear, but he smiled. Shyly, warily, like his smile in the first days of their friendship, because when he saw TitusâŚthat was the most natural expressionâthat was the one his face wanted to wear.
Titus crouched down, talking to the kids, patting their heads, and ruffling their hair as he handed over some things he brought from the castle. It was mostly food, a few toys, and books Gaius had collected for him. Of course, his brother knew about these outings, and part of the magic of them was Gaius pretending to be him from time to time to cover his escapades.
âI will sing for you more next time, okay?â His glasses and hood served to conceal his identity, he thought, especially since Gaius had made them for him and he was an expert in concealment magic. At the very least no one would know it was him through magic. He bowed one last time before getting up and noticingâ
His eyes became wide, looking like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Badr took a step back, but didnât immediately bolt. His lips parted, though he didnât say anything. His heart had found its way up into his throatâlodged itself and made words impossible. The childrenâs shouting seemed muted. The sound of carts rumbling across the stone felt silent. Everything was space and quiet and Titus⌠Except he couldnât quite make out Titusâs expression with the glasses and hood, only that he was looking directly at Badr. It was the lack of clarity in Titusâs features, hidden as they were, that made run! begin to repeat in his head with increasing intensity.
Badr took another step backâŚand then pivoted on his heel, the gold in his eyes flashing for a breath as he turned, and then he dartedâŚnot back towards the school, just towards the closest side street. More of a panic than an escape.
As if driven by instinct, Titus bolted right after him, shouting a see you later to the kids as the older ones began to pack up for their favorite puppet master. His legs were longer, and he was used to these mad dashes, so by the time they reached a side street, Titus launched his body to hold onto Badr, bumping his back against a wall to avoid a potential fall. He hissed, tightening his arms just in case the other man tried to flee again.
The prince panted heavily, the sudden sprint and tackle having drawn air out of him.
Though he was still in a state of flight (in his brain), once caught, Badr froze. His heart was beating fast, his breath coming in quick puffs; but he could feel Titusâs heart, he thought, against his back as the prince clasped him tighter. For a moment, with just their panting to fill the silence, things were simple, and a little of the fog sifted away from Badrâs thoughts. He relaxed and leaned against Titus, turning his head, to press his brow against the princeâs neck. After a moment, he reached up, his right hand catching the fabric at Titusâs shoulder and clutching until it balled in his fist.
What he wanted to say seemed dangerous, so what he said instead was, â...you would never have caught meâŚin Simurgh.â It was supposed to be a joke, but his tone had too much yearning in it to pass as playful. âTitusâŚâ
âI would catch you at the very end of the world if I needed to,â Titus replied with a soft smile, trying to calm his ragged breath as he looked slightly down at Badr. âBut why are you fleeing from me in the first place?â His arms were firmly secured around the other man and not moving.
Badr closed his eyes, pressing closer against Titus. His knuckles had whitened with the intensity of his grip. He bit his lip, to prevent blurting out, And if I were a heretic? Would you still follow me? He didnât want to fight. He wanted to stay close. If the only way to be close was to remain silent, he thought he would never speak again, butâŚTitus was asking a questionâone that was not easy to answer, but which deserved one. His other hand moved to Titusâs wrist, not pulling away, but holding it, as though Titus had any intention of pulling away.
âBecause I am afraid,â he whispered. He inhaled, the air shuddering in his lungs. âI am afraid,â he repeated, his voice catching.
Titusâs hand rubbed Badrâs lower back to try to soothe whatever it was that had him so high strung. He had no idea what it could be, but he wanted to return Badrâs smile.
âWhy? I promised to protect you, right?â His brows knitted together in worry.
Badrâs fingers tightened on Titusâs wrist. His eyes squeezed tighter. âBecauseâŚit is one of the only things that really frightens meâŚand maybe this is not something you can protect me from. You cannotâŚalways stay by my side, and maybeâŚyou will not always want to.â
âHow can I possibly want to be anywhere else?â Titus smiled softly but warmly, loosening one of his arms to cup Badrâs cheek and make him look up at him. âYou are my most valued and esteemed friend⌠you heard the show, didnât you?â His smile was sheepish and his cheeks red.
âYou are notâŚonly my friend,â Badr replied, allowing his face to be lifted, but turning his eyes away with the remark. His hands remained where they were, though the one in Titusâs cloak softened. âIf I walk paths you donâtâŚunderstandâŚâ he murmured, risking a glance at Titus. âHow can you follow me? Even if you want toâŚâ Badr laughed weakly. âI want to lead you onto paths you do not know, but I donât knowâŚthat you could stand to walk in places you wonât even see your feet. I wish I could have your blind trust, but if I asked for it, it would be like stealing.â
Titus leaned in to press a kiss to Badrâs cheek. âYouâre my best friend. My closest companion⌠why are you saying this?â It made the prince frown in confusion because Badr was speaking in riddles and he didnât like that at all.
For a moment, Badr was quiet. Not really looking at anything at all. His cheek felt warm where Titus had kissed it. Kisses could be brotherly. He had at times seen it among the men of Serenitas. But how could Badr possibly read it as friendly, caught up in Titusâs grip, his heart beating the way it was now? Reality was closing in on every side, fuelled by time. Titus was not like his brother. He did not understand the workings of Badrâs heart. He could not fathom even a difference such as that, much less everything else that Badr had learned and understood lately. So why, if he was intrinsically the wrong shapeâwhy was it that they still drew to the other? Why was it that he could not banish the prince from his thoughts? Or banish the thoughts he had about the prince which were doomed to futility?
âBecause I want to be with you always, and it isnât possible,â he said, closing his eyes, his brow furrowing in pain.
It saddened Titus immensely to be reminded of that, the distance that was about to exist between them. âI know, but⌠that doesnât change anything of what I said, Badr.â He was now thinking about the fact his time with Badr was soon coming to an end. Too soon, he reminded himself, feeling something sharp lodging in his chest.
âIf we couldâŚâ But Badr stopped. It was probably too radical of an idea; he didnât think Titus would like it. His right hand relinquished the fabric, slipping upward to touch Titusâs neck instead. He could feel the faint throb of the princeâs pulse in his palm. âEverything would have to change,â he said after a moment. âOur countries. Elysium. Destiny itself. I could move the stars, but would that be what you really want?â He was being enigmatic again, and he knew Titus wouldnât follow, but he was treading too close to thoughts that might break them. So he cloaked himself in ambiguity instead. âHow can enough ever be enough?â
Titusâs brows knitted in a frown again because he didnât understand what Badr was saying, and he thought he was being complicated just to be complicated. It vexed him, but he knew not what to do, simply dropping his hands to his sides and sighing. âI will be at your side this or the next life or the one after. This I promise to you, even if distance does get in the way, I will find you.â
Titusâs hands and arms moved away from him, and Badrâs hands dropped, too. He turned, not making space for Titus to move away from the wall.
âAnd what ifâŚthere turns out to not be a next life?â he demanded, feeling something welling up from somewhere new and unknown. âWhen I am right here, right now, why is it that we will gamble instead on a better-next-time?â He grabbed the front of the princeâs robes, searching his face. âThat is why I am afraid. That is why, Titus. Why can you not understand?â
âAre we not close now? Are we not each otherâs confidantes?â Titus didn't know what Badr was trying to act like their bond didnât exist or like he didnât care for him. It annoyed him for his emotions to be denied like that, but he knew that they had to go back to the academy, soâŚ
âWe should head back.â
Badr did not relinquish his hold on the robes. If Titus asked him, he would see what his voice was capable of. He would really and truly try to move every star in the night sky. But Titus never asked him, perhaps because he never really understood there was something that should be requested in the first place.
Could he ruin something that was already tattered?
Was Badr brave enough�
Titus was not that much taller than he was, so he leaned forward, but he did not kiss the prince. He leaned forward so that it was awkward if nothing happened, so that it was clear that something should happen, but he did not do it. He waited to see if there was any kind of latent instinct in Titus to reach for him that way. He did not want to expose himself more than that, because his heart had taken too many beatings latelyâand he knew this would prove the worst of all.
âTitus,â he repeated, feeling his own breath echo from Titusâs skin with their proximity, âif I am already here, why is it that you cannot reach for me?â
Titus felt his breath catch up, his heart race, and blood rush to his ears and cheeks, turning so red that he was not unlike a tomato. A sudden gust of⌠snow? blew past them, catching in their hair. The Prince did not know what to do, staring with wide eyes, the feel of Badrâs breath tickling his skin, and were it not for the solid wall behind him, he was sure he wouldâve fallen over.
âŚStill, Titus leaned forward until their foreheads met and his glasses fogged up.
âYou are right here,â he concurred and demonstrated he could reach him by holding his waist.
Badr let go with one hand, to touch his fingertips to the place he knew Titusâs heart would be. He didnât look away, though somehow now they were so close he couldnât look at Titus without his glasses being a single frame, butâŚstill Titus didnât lean in. If he leaned in insteadâŚwould Titus shove him away? Would he beâŚalarmed? Shocked? Afraid? Furious? Betrayed? OrâŚwould he finally understand? Would it be like Gaius kept hinting? Would the pieces fall into place? Or would it make everything worse? He was so tired of feeling estranged from Titus. At least maybe if he didâŚmaybe he would at least know. Maybe, if Titus meant what he was saying, he would still be Badrâs friend, even if he didnât feel the same way? Or maybe Titus would think he was a degenerate and a heretic⌠Would he decide heâd been right before: decide it best to never speak to Badr again?
âI want to seeâŚwhere I am in here,â he said softly, his fingers spreading and pressing to Titusâs chest, as though he could hold his heart, if he only pushed his hand a little deeper. He shivered against the sudden chill, blinking as the touch of winter rustled through his hair, traced through his shawl to brush his skin; and maybe it was that bite of frost, but he pressed his body against Titusâs.
âYouâre right there,â Titus replied unflinchingly even as another gust of snowflakes blew at them.
But Badr turned his head just a little, so that when his lips pressed Titusâs face, it was at the corner of his mouth. A question mark instead of a period. He did not think such a statement could be made without both parties in agreement.
Titus basically froze on the spot, mouth agape, and staring. He continued to stare. And continued. It was like he had lost his mind because he didnât know what to say or do, so he stared some more.
A cold snowflake touched his cheek, and he finally spoke up.
âWe need to go back.â
And there it was. The pain pulled him inward again, and Badr stepped back suddenly, looking away. It wasnât anger, so he should be grateful; it wasnât betrayal (maybe), so he should not be upset; it wasnât even disgust⌠But it wasnât rainbows and baby dragons and the first day of spring, either. Rather, it seemed like winter had returned. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering as he noticed that there was a bit of snow in the air. It snowed a lot in Serenitas, because light was similar to ice. Maybe it was. Maybe Titus had been right. Maybe light was not warmth after all; maybe it really was more like iceâit just caught the sun in such a wayâŚyou thought it would be warm.
He hugged his chest and turned his back to Titus.
âThen go back,â he said, clearly but as cool as the air filling his lungs.
âNo, itâs not safe here.â Titus, against any sort of common logic, moved to wrap an arm around Badr as he stood behind him. âYouâre coming with me.â It wasnât a suggestion or a question.
âStop it,â Badr said, trying to pull away. âI donât want your pity. Iâve learned how to take care of myself. Iâve carried things that no one else can begin to understandâalone. I donât need anyone else. I can take care of myself in your so-called dangerous part of town.â He pushed forward, hoping to use his weight to displace Titusâs arm.
âPity?? What pity?â Titus was both bewildered and annoyed, unable to understand where that came from. He was unrelenting, following right after, and trying to reach for Badrâs bag with his other hand. âGive me that, please.â
Why was Titus following him now? Why couldnât he read a room? He made it plain that heâd never been thinking of Badr that way, in all this time that Badr had felt only that way⌠It was one-sided. It was exactly like heâd been saying. Siblings didnât know everything about each other, not even twins. He should have realized that first and foremost. With all the secrets he had kept from Zuya, and no doubt she had her own, too... He couldnât blame Gaius, though; Badr was the one who had let himself get his hopes up. But even if Titus didnât hate him for it, it still hurt. He still wanted just a moment alone, to feel it and let it run through him so that it wouldnât hurt as much later. (Though he knew the echo of it would resound inside him for a long time to come.)
âYou donâtâŚâ he started to say as Titus moved to take the bag. But he was afraid that the prince would see what was in it and quickly pulled back on the strap. Could Titus read Old Ilunabarrean? Was that something princes were always taught, or just something only Gaius knew? What had Gaius said? Had he said he was one of the only people? But did that mean him and some old priestly types, or did it mean the royal family and some old priestly types? He did his best to retain his belongings, just in case. And Titus did his best to take them away, anyway.
âWe are only friends,â he repeated to himselfâthe same thing heâd told Gaius. âThere is nothing to worry about. There is nothing between us but friendship. There is nothing else thatâŚis required.â He finally stilled and looked back at Titus. âI was simply jesting.â He held his gaze for a moment before looking away again. âA poor jest.â
Titus frowned. âWeâre not only friends. Weâre much more than just that.â Reaching over, he cupped the other manâs cheek to caress it gently. âThere is no need to apologize.â And to show him he meant it, Titus leaned in close to press a kiss to his cheek. âHowever, what I wonât forgive is you running away from your best friend, so stop doing that, okay?â
For a moment Badr thought⌠And then Titus was back to professing his undying friendship. Still, he had never kissed Badr before. It could have been a platonic gesture, but it wasnât something the prince had done before. Probably it was platonic, because Titus didnât seem to have liked the kiss Badr gave him, which was much harder to read as platonic. If they were only friends (even if best friends), why did Titus touch him like a lover? But if they were more than friends (even best friends), why had he looked so shocked when Badr kissed him?
Still, all he had really wanted lately was to stand next to Titus again, and the prince was making it clear that Badr was still welcome there. Hadnât he known all along that he couldnât have the princeâs heart? But even so, to be allowed a place at Titusâs side⌠It was special, he understood that, so what did he have to complain about? He didnât want to run away from Titus anymore. He knew he would prefer it if, at the end of the day, their relationship was restored to at least something resembling what it had been. He didnât want to fall asleep one more night with only that feeling of estrangement for company. If that was what he really wanted, and since they really only had a little time left anyway, there was no sense in clinging to upset.
So Badr nodded, relenting. He did not relinquish his bagâhe was still afraid, even if most of the books were likely farcical and useless, of how Titus might react to his cache. He leaned against Titus, and, after a moment, put his arms around the princeâunspoken, but maybe loud, in the gesture: I missed you.
Without saying anything, Titus embraced Badr tight, just basking at that moment he needed so much. He squeezed tight, maybe a bit too tight for a second before his grip loosened into something comfortable and nice, resting his chin on his shoulder.
âMissed you too,â he replied even if Badr didnât speak them out, pressing the tip of his nose against the crook of his neck.
Badr nodded and closed his eyes. Somehow, he thought that Titus smelled a little like winter, though maybe that was just the afterscent of those late spring drifts of snow. He had a feeling that if Titusâs skin were to touch his, the tip of his nose would be cold.
âI was waitingâŚhoping you might askâŚthough I suppose I didnât give you much of a chance to tryâŚâ he said, not letting go. âThe High Priest said you donât have to do anything special for the Spring CeremonyâŚâ
Titus nodded his head, but he wasnât quite sure what Badr was trying to get to. Did he want to enjoy festivities with him or what? He wasnât sure, but he would enjoy spending time with the other man like that at least.
The other students had been asking about drinking and dancing and celebrating spring, and the High Priest had seemed to indicate that the common folk of Serenitas did imbibe in the days leading up to their sacred ceremony⌠Even as he had fled, Badr had still entertained daydreams of dancing with Titus, walking hand in hand to sample the springtime delicacies of the city, and many other little wishes that he allowed himself in his private thoughts. He understood few would come true. But Serenitas was not as given to celebration as Simurgh, and these sorts of events did not seem common. He cherished them when they did arise. He often thought about dancing with Prince Titus at the masquerade, and, though he disliked the notion of âdestinyâ, his thoughts continuously returned to that night in the gazeboâŚ
âDo you want to spend time with me before the event?â Titus finally asked what was in his mind as he pulled back to stare at the other man expectantly. He really would like that, at least, even if he wasnât sure he could blend in a crowd with Badr in tow.
Badr clung for just a moment, but relinquished his grip, not wanting to make a fool of himself. He nodded at the question, his eyes lowered, lashes sweeping over his cheeks. The things he wanted from Titus were often complicated and largely out of reach, but at least the prince had understood what he was hedging towards.
âThere are festivals, right?â he asked, still shyly. âWith flowers and dancingâŚ?â
He wanted to think that maybe the stars, as they were known here in Serenitas, were right. That Titus was his destiny. That he hadnât lost out on crucial time. That things would be okay. That maybe somehow there was a way⌠That Titusâs play could come true, and they would leave all the rules and traditions that fettered them behind andâŚ
One day, Badr would see the oceanâand heâd be standing right beside Titus.
For now though, âOr are you not allowed? Since you are the crown princeâŚ?â
âItâs not so much that I canât, but everyone frets when I try to mingle with our people.â Titus wrinkled up his nose in distaste, his lips stretched into a thin line. âBut we can find a way. Our bakery will be making a fresh batch of seasonal goods.â The mere thought of the delicious flavors made him smile.
âMaybe I can disguise you,â Badr suggested. âOur clothing style is loose, so even though you are broader than I am, some things may still fit youâŚâ And what would be strange about two men of Simurgh enjoying a festival together? Plus, he thought that Titus would look very refined in Simurghian designs⌠(And the fact that clothes might smell like the prince after was also appealing.)
âAre you sure you have anything that might fit me?â It sounded like a fun idea, though. Maybe they should try it, and maybe it would work! âI trust you if you want to try that. Anyway, we should head back, so give me your things to carry them for you.â
Badr paused for a moment, feeling (without looking) to ensure that his bag was carefully secured, and then he handed it to Titus. It was starting to make his shoulder (and his thigh) sore. But with the bag came also the offer of his hand, which he held outânervouslyâin offering. He knew they would have to let go by the time they were in sight of the academy, but maybe for a little bit, they could walk hand in hand, like they had before.
âCan we stop by the bakery, though? I do not think the things I have made taste as good, andâŚâ He wanted Titus to linger with him a bit longer, even if it must be within the confines of the school grounds.
Titus nodded his head. âWe can make a quick stop, but I do have to change out of this before returning.â It wasnât a complete change of clothes, at least, because that would take far too long. With a little gentlemanly flair, Titus offered his hand to Badr before taking his hand since he already held it out, to begin with.
Badr smiled, looking away bashfully, as Titusâs hand folded around his own. If it was not destiny, then why did their hands fit so well together? But he kept that thought to himself and instead looked up curiously.
âYou are worried about being seen in your disguise there?â he asked.
âItâs not a disguise if they know I wear it, is it?â Titus gave Badr a cheeky grin as he adjusted both bags over his shoulder with his other hand. âLetâs go,â he said, gently squeezing the other manâs hand.
In another reality, where that cheeky grin had a truly cheeky personality behind it, Titus would wear that disguise on campusâŚbut it would be his means of commute between his and Badrâs rooms. And that was going to be added to the general repertoire of things Badr thought about before he fell asleep.
âOkay,â Badr said, adjusting his shawl so that it again covered his face better, and then he placed his hand on Titusâs elbow. He did not lean his head against Titusâs shoulders, as lovers were wont to do, but the added touch was there. He had crossed the threshold between where enough was enough and the place where the yearning in him could not be sated by smiles alone, but there was nowhere to go past that point, and so while it was difficult to press his feelings back into that now ill-fitting container, he did his best.
âI have come to enjoy one of your classical Serenitas poetsâŚâ he said, beginning a lengthy explanation, his voice soft, but lighter than it had been, the echo of itâtrailing their stepsâwarm again, bright as the first crocuses lifting their heads through the frost.
The melody of it once again glimmered with I love you.