spike ♘ i hang my coat up in the first bar (railroads) wrote in dust_till_dawn, @ 2009-06-21 21:00:00 |
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What else was there out of this? Spike hadn't been motivated for anything as of late. A loss of motivation that had him wondering if there was anything that he could truly begin applying himself. What had become of the two groups that thwarted the end of days but a new focus on the 'sweeter' things in life. He didn't know where he was going to end up necessarily. He didn't know if he was going to have something good laying in wait at the end of the rainbow or if he was going to be where all good vampires were laid to rest. He'd heard horrible things about Hell this time of year. And despite the fact of following most of his peers. Spike knew that there were more forces at work than just Buffy's gang of White Hats and Wolfram & Hart's legion of bitches who had sold their souls for whatever they had sold them for. He didn't try to understand what others motivations were just ad he didn't understand his own motivations for the place he was now at. Some people just worked on instinct more than anything else. Spike would always be someone who followed his heart. As unbeating and probably dust by now...he'd follow it nevertheless.
Spike knew what he was in life. He knew his purpose when others were still trying to figure it out. He was someone who would be called on as "bait" or someone who could be the glorified babysitter. He'd yet to prove himself as a badass hero...or villain. He was more around the 'sidekick' type-cast but for once he was actually getting used to it in a 'I can deal with this bullshit' sort of way. He wasn't tired of being left behind anymore because he didn't even think he was all there to begin with. In some way, horribly so, he could never be one of the stand alones when it came to being some independent big bad or amazing good guy. No statues would be erected in his image. No people would congratulate him on a job well done and he would never be sought out as the first person that popped into anyone's mind. Spike should have known since he started out. The only ones who seemed to understand him were the slightly off people. Drusilla, Justice...Buffy ( at times ). There was one thing he would have to remind himself when it came to Buffy that he didn't even know until he'd thought long and hard about it.
He was truly fooling himself when he thought he could be it for Buffy Summers. He was truly fooling himself when he'd given up his vampire-freedoms as a soulless demon. He wasn't stopped by the chip anymore. He was only stopped by himself now and he was done with it. He was done with being the contingency plan or the person people needed to act as a physical shield when it all boiled down to it. He'd proven himself more than enough times and he was finished with the trials. Even getting his soul didn't require that much. He'd been hiding downwind and in the shadows from where he could see...Justice. It was usually something people would see as one of the good guys. He supposed that's where she began but she wasn't something that would be associated to the people fighting on the side of good and the like anytime soon. People learned not to judge others by their names. He'd met a a hooker named Sugar but she was nothing if not bitter. Still, he seemed to think it was poetic justice that...Justice was the way she was. Spike honestly never knew who he was fooling when it came to himself. When it came to discovering a side of himself...he knew everything already. He shouldn't be having identity issues. He wasn't some teenager. He was a vampire. He'd already had years to get in grips to who he was. It wasn't as if he was Peaches, he wouldn't angst about what he was missing out.
He would just go and get what he was missing out.
Spike wasn't going to wait for permission anymore or wait for someone to come and get him for help. He was going to do what he could, no matter which side he could work on. He supposed it was a very him thing to do. Switch sides. He didn't want to deal with the superficial bullshit of acts of betrayal when it came to him. All he knew was that he was the only one that people didn't see. The beach blond didn't wait for the body to hit the ground before he moved out of the shadows, arms hanging lazily to his sides as he inspected the scene before glancing up at Justice and kicked the corpse a little. "Less impressive than the one a couple nights ago, love. You should start watching exercising your creative juices." He smiled, bitingly, as he circled around the body before stopping right in front of her. It wasn't as if this were some social call. He didn't even know if it would end up in some way as most would see it. Business deal? Sounded to Wolfram & Hart. He wasn't into that, nevertheless, he was being egged on by the pure instinct of finding someone to team up with. He'd done it solo once and that ended up horribly. The only insurance he did have was the fact that Justice would never be like Harmony ( thank goodness for small miracles ).