WHO: Natalie Baldwin → Nott WHEN: Night of January 17 WHERE: The Baldwin home SUMMARY: Natalie comes home a bit late and gets a particularly emotional memory. WARNINGS: Spoilers through C2E48 of Critical Role, specifically focusing in on Nott's backstory
The house was dark when Natalie pulled into her driveway, but that wasn't entirely unexpected. She hadn't known just how late dinner and games would take and she was under no illusion that her son would actually wait up for his mother. He clearly hadn't had any disasters when he had made his frozen pizza for dinner and that was really all she asked of Logan.
The night had been a good one, she thought. The food had been delicious, the wine even better, and the company was unparalleled, though Natalie was particularly biased regarding the last. As predicted, there had been moments of high competition between herself and Mica, though they dissolved into laughter, just as they always did. And while Natalie might have still been a bit wary of Esther Shaw, she had stayed true to her promise to Chase and had been on her best behavior. It wouldn't have felt right to have asked her more invasive questions to the woman in her own home -- not that location would have really stopped her, had Chase not intervened.
Once inside the house, Natalie locked the door behind her and made her way through the rooms and hallways. She paused at the kitchen, putting Logan's leftover pizza on the counter in the fridge and depositing the pizza cutter into the sink. That complete, she continued on her way, not pausing until she reached Logan's bedroom. The door was open and light was pouring into the hall. One quick glance inside told her that it was coming from the television, which showed a paused screen of whatever video game he had been playing. Sprawled across his bed, very much asleep with the controller resting on his chest, was Logan.
Like in the kitchen, Natalie found herself cleaning up after her son. Whether it was a maternal instinct or just something ingrained within her, she silently stepped into Logan's bedroom. She picked up the plate that held uneaten pizza crusts and a few picked off green peppers from where it rested on the mattress next to her sleeping son and set it on his nightstand. She found his cell phone and plugged it in so it could charge overnight. She carefully took the controller and saved his game before turning off the console, the only light now coming from the hallway. All the while, Logan was his usual heavy sleeper, her movements going unnoticed, even as she rearranged his blankets and pulled up on them, covering him up.
All that taken care of, Natalie moved to pick up the plate and leave Logan to his rest, but hesitated as her eyes fell on him one more time. She blew out a gentle breath, then came to sit at the edge of his bed. He didn't stir, his breathing heavy as she reached up and lovingly pushed his curly hair back from his brow. The moment Natalie's fingers brushed her son's forehead, she was no longer in a teenage boy's bedroom, but pounding on the door of a humble home in the middle of Felderwin.
The door opened and the familiar visage of old Edith stood before Nott. She looked older than she remembered thanks to the passage of time, but it was a thought that barely registered in her mind as she said, "Edith, it's me. Where's my son?"
So focused on the old woman and the young boy that was hidden away somewhere in her home, Nott didn't even notice her friends stiffen around her, the looks exchanged between them, the bewilderment and shock on Caleb's face. All that mattered was that Luc was safe -- she didn't know where Yeza was, she didn't know what they had done to him after ransacking the apothecary that they had put so much time and work into opening, but Luc was safe. And she knew that was the case, because as soon as Edith called for him… there he was. Her little boy, who wasn't quite as little as he had been the last time Nott had seen him, but so clearly her boy.
"Hi." It was one word and wasn't nearly enough, Nott knew, but what else could she say?
A confused expression took over Luc's face as he shifted in the door, untrusting of the situation. Even with Nott taking on the appearance of the halfling woman she had been over twenty years, she knew that this wasn't an easy situation for him to have to wrap his mind around. Still, it pierced her heart when he warily admitted, "Daddy said the goblins killed you."
Nott wanted nothing more than to scoop him into her arms and to kiss his cheeks and promise that she would never leave him again, but it would be too much. She settled for only the first, but she could tell even that was too much for the boy. Reluctantly, she stepped back, surveying Luc and gently asking him questions in order to understand what had happened here in the village and glean any information she could to determine Yeza's whereabouts. It was difficult, her emotions warring with one another as she so desperately didn't want to overwhelm Luc.
"I'm so sorry," Nott said, her voice filled with the regret that she was voicing as Luc finished explaining what his young memory could relay. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I -- "
"Mommy, where -- " Luc interrupted, his eyes questioning as he asked, "where were you?"
Nott hesitated, her eyes looking away from Luc for the first time since he had appeared at the door. What answer could she give him that would suffice? What answer could make it okay for a mother to abandon her son for so long, only to show up now, at all times? There was nothing she could say to make it better, but she also couldn't tell him the truth. He would hate her, would think that she was as disgusting as the creatures he'd thought had killed her all this time.
"I was far away." Nott spoke hesitantly, weighing each word before speaking it. As someone who rarely hesitated, especially when her flask was so nearby, this was a rare occasion, indeed. "I was trying to get back. I was trying to come back, I was. I was trying so hard, but I don't have -- I'm not strong enough to come back yet." It wasn't enough, but it was all Nott had to offer. "But know that I'm always thinking of you. I send you things so you remember me, and I hope Dad gives them to you."
Luc thought about this, his words coming out haltingly as his young mind put it all together. "I get presents, but he just says they're from somebody."
"Oh. Well, that's fine." It was fine, yet Nott couldn't deny that her heart sunk, just a bit, to know that perhaps even Yeza didn't believe she had been alive all this time. Perhaps that was for the best. "Yeah, it would be hard to understand… but I love you so much and I've never stopped thinking about you and trying to come home. I didn't want to go away." Nott paused, letting out a breath before continuing, her tone as strong and full of promise as she could manage in that moment when her entire world seemed to be turning upside down once again. "I'm going to find your father. I will and then maybe we can be a family again." As strong as her declaration had been that she would find Yeza, she felt doubt creep in. How could they be a family when she was what she was? "Maybe -- I will find him. I promise you, all right? You just have to be that smart boy that I know and stay safe, all right?"
"Is Daddy alive?"
Luc's question was immediate and seemed to break Nott's heart more than anything else in these past months -- years, maybe. And while she didn't know for sure, she did know that, "In my heart I think he is."
"And you're alive again?"
Nott didn't even know the answer to such a question, but she still managed a small smile at the boy that held so much of her heart. "I will be, too."
"Then don't die." And with those three words, Nott watched her son turn and disappear back into the relative safety of Old Edith's home.
Natalie didn't know what brought her back first -- the gentle touch that shook her arm or Logan's familiar voice. "Mom?"
Blinking rapidly, it took her eyes a moment to adjust from the bright outdoors of Felderwin to the relative dim light of Logan's bedroom. When they did, she saw that her son was no longer sleeping, but looking up at her with concern. He was sitting up now, the blankets that she had carefully arranged around him having fallen to his lap. His hair was a bit mussed from the pillow, indicating that he had dozed off long before Natalie had gotten home.
As her eyes focused, she just looked at him, her heart aching in a familiar and yet new way. It hurt more than Natalie knew how to describe, twin feelings of relief and sorrow twisting together to make something altogether new. She'd known what it was Nott had left behind in Felderwin for almost as long as she had been dreaming, but this -- all of this was something new and she didn't know if she was equipped to handle any of it. It had been one thing when she believed that her husband and son were safe in their sleepy hamlet of a village, but now? They weren't safe at all. Yeza was gone to who knew where and Luc was being cared for by an old woman -- a kind old woman that did care, but still.
But for as painful as that was, it couldn't compare to the pain that came with finally getting to see Luc once more, to be reminded of what it was he looked like when she had started to forget, only to have to leave. Because she wasn't Luc's mother, not anymore. And maybe one day she would be her again, but for now…
"Mom, are you all right?"
Logan's voice was more insistent, his fingers tightening gently around Natalie's wrist. Her eyes focused again, taking in her son's features. Her smart, kind son that she had done her very best with and yet constantly felt like she was lacking and not doing enough. Her son that she wanted to give everything to, because he'd had too much taken away from him through no fault of his own. Her son, who she loved more than anything in this world and would never abandon, not even if goblins got in the way.
Natalie nodded and she forced a smile, albeit a weak one. "Yeah, sweetheart," she said, cupping his cheek with one hand. "I'm good." As long as she had him, she would be.