Gideon Fischer ⚕️ Alex Karev (pediatrician) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2020-01-13 08:24:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, * jeanne, * terri, c: embry fischer, c: gideon fischer |
WHO: Gideon Fischer & Embry Marshall
WHEN: April 2016
WHERE: Their loft
SUMMARY: Reconciling feelings and an age difference.
WARNINGS: Some swearing? Smoochin'?
BINGO: The Big Damn Kiss
Gideon had asked Embry to move in with him long before he'd caught feelings for her. He hadn't expected to catch feelings for her- but then, maybe that wasn't the sort of thing you were always able to predict. They were colleagues, of a sort, at least insofar as they worked for the same hospital in a small town. She'd been the only person he'd really known when he moved (back) to Dunhaven six months ago, and asking her to move in with him had been nothing more than a cost-saving endeavor. Student loans were nothing to scoff at, even after an attending's salary. But then he'd found out- on her birthday, of course- that she was only twenty-five. To his own thirty-four. He'd naively thought that, just with the amount of schooling required to pursue her career, and for as long as he knew she'd had it, she was… at least thirty. Or hopefully nearing it, anyway. Anything less than a nearly ten year age gap that… made him feel more than a little uncomfortable. (God, he'd slept with her when she was twenty-two and he was thirty-one. Was he some sort of pervert? She was going to think he was some sort of deviant.) And it was stupid, of course. Because they'd always gotten on as if such a gap had never existed. But, somehow, now, he… thought maybe he should be treating her differently. Not with kid gloves, per se, but… maybe with a little bit of distance. Canceled dinners because of conveniently scheduled shifts that just… came up at the last moment. A little bit less of the familiarity that sometimes bordered on flirtations. Because as long as he ignored those feelings, they'd go away. -- It had been a bad idea to move in with Gideon. She had known it within a few weeks of settling in there because...she had quickly realized that the feelings she had for him were not nearly as platonic as she liked to claim. When she’d been out and about with him in town, or hanging out at his apartment just to leave later on...it had been easy to just say that her feelings were entirely friendly. When she got to see...everything else, that was when it became impossible to ignore. The two of them sitting around in their pajamas in the evening or seeing him with bedhead in the morning before he’d brushed his hair or stealing the comics out of his hands on Sundays over cereal...it had been enough to make her heart turn over on itself. Yet, none of that had been happening for the last few weeks. Embry hadn’t exactly been trying to keep her age a giant secret. It just wasn’t something she generally thought to talk about much because...well, it didn’t matter. She’d always been younger than her peers, and she knew that he was older. She hadn’t brought it up, but her birthday had made it...obvious. Gideon had been acting strange ever since. She...well, she had barely even seen him in the weeks that followed those celebrations. When they did see one another, he was distant and non-committal to anything that she said. He cancelled dinner with her, and went to his room early. He left most days before she even had a chance to get out of the shower. She had decided that enough was enough, and she’d gotten up early, too. In fact, she was fairly certain she’d been up before Gideon for the first time since before her birthday. She’d showered, brushed her teeth, and retreated to her room until she heard him finish with his own morning routine. To her credit, she had let him get ready first, but when she smelled the coffee brewing, she’d descended those stairs, determined to come to some resolution. There was no...good morning or hello, but rather she walked up to the counter, plopped herself down in a seat and said, “You’re being weird. Why are you being weird?” -- Though being a doctor perhaps often necessitated drinking fairly terrible coffee, Gideon at least liked to start his shift (whether morning or night) with some sort of decent java. Which meant he had an espresso machine at home, and typically brewed his own drinks- one to have there, if he had time, and another to take in a travel mug on his way to the hospital. And it was his luck, of course, that this morning Embry had come downstairs and sat down there at the counter before his first drink had even finished brewing. "I'm not being weird. I'm making coffee." -- “I’m not talking about espresso, Gideon, and you know it,” she sighed a little, and leaned her arms against the counter, though...he didn’t seem to be looking at her. She wasn’t about to go around the counter and get in his face, but they had been good friends before he’d known about her age, right? He...well, over the last six months, he’d been the best friend she had, complications to those feelings not-withstanding. “You’ve...barely been around since my birthday.” -- God, since when did this machine brew so damn slowly? "I've been working, Em. You've seen me at the hospital, and we... had dinner last week, didn't we? Or maybe the week before." He rapped his fingers against the counter, impatiently. -- “It wasn’t last week. It was the sixth, which was just over two weeks ago,” Embry shook her head a little, “You know, this is why I don’t tell people that I was some kid prodigy. Because everything is fine, and then the moment someone finds out I’ve not been on the Earth as long as they presumed I’ve been, they...treat me like this.” She clenched her jaw a little, staring down at the grain on the counter, “You’re avoiding me, and it’s bullshit that you won’t even admit it.” -- The double shot finally sputtered to its natural stop, and Gideon waited exactly two and a half seconds before pouring the glass of espresso into his waiting travel mug. He bypassed the home mug that would have otherwise been first, since he was quickly deciding that he needed to get out of this particular conversation sooner rather than later. "I don't care that you were a kid prodigy, Embry. Hey, it's good for you, right? Gives you more time to work on saving lives and all that." Saving lives and all that. Probably the most nonchalant way to refer to the work she did. "I'm not avoiding you." And this time, at least, he did secure the lid on top of his travel cup and turn around to face her, even if she was looking down at the counter. "I've just got work." -- It wasn’t as though Embry was in...trauma or dealt with mothers that had risk for severe complication. She wasn’t a specialist. She was a midwife, so…delivering life probably would have been more accurate, but she wasn’t going to fuss over semantics. He said he wasn’t avoiding her, and yet he was...practically running out the door away from her. The mug that he’d intended for his home coffee was sitting untouched on the counter. He’d just...decided not to use it once she’d come downstairs, “No, rotation shifts at the hospital don’t start for another hour and a half.” Before he could round the counter, she slipped out of her chair and stood in that same path, “Is this…because we hooked up once in Philly? Or...Gideon, do you want me to move out?” -- And there was the trouble with working at the same place- that she knew when shifts started. His excuse all but wilted away. Not that Embry outsmarting him was particularly unusual. She was very keen. "It has nothing to do with Philly." Because he'd already done that math and reassured himself that at least she'd been legal. But Gideon looked up with wider eyes when she asked if she should move out, and he shook his head quickly. "No, Em. God, no. I like having you here." And that might have been the first true thing he'd said to her all morning. -- He said he liked having her there, and it sounded like the truth, but...he’d been tip-toeing around her for almost four weeks now. She was certain if she hadn’t cornered him this morning that it would go on for exactly however long she let it. Maybe that was at least a little bit of progress, though. She took a breath and requested, “Then...please stop looking at me like I’m this whole different person. There’s literally nothing different about me other than now you know I skipped some grades, and got an early start to my career. That’s it.” -- She had a point, right? Or... she should have had a point, if only he could get over his stupid hangups. He'd said it had nothing to do with Philly, and while that had... ostensibly been true, it would have been a lie if Gideon said he hadn't been thinking about that hookup recently. More than that, though. She was his closest friend here in town. Someone he'd come to trust and rely on. Someone he wanted more than friendship from, but wasn't allowed to ask for it. "That's not all that's changed, Embry." And you know it. Except... maybe she didn't. But he couldn't tell her. "Just forget it. I'll bring home dinner tonight to make up for last week, okay?" -- She didn’t know what else had changed...not for him anyway. She knew what had changed for her, and that was what made all of this worse. They hadn’t even taken a step towards anything and she had still somehow managed to ruin it, even without a proposal. That must have been some kind of record for her and her siblings. “I don’t want to just forget it. It’s not about the dinner, Gideon. Just talk to me. Please,” she took a step forward, but didn’t touch him. If they could just get through this conversation, maybe they would be okay. -- She took a step forward, and- to his credit- he didn't take a step back. But Gideon also didn't say anything- didn't move, didn't open his mouth, barely even breathed for a few very long seconds. "I've got to go, Embry. I'll see you tonight." Tightening his grip around the coffee cup, Gideon stepped around her and headed for the door. -- “Great. That’s very mature. Talk to you never, I guess,” she said the words before she really thought about them, frustrated. She gave a mostly sarcastic wave over her shoulder and tried not to flinch when the door closed. She...doubted she would actually see him that night. Embry stood there for a long moment, her hand gripping the edge of the counter so tightly that her knuckles were paled. Then, she stepped forward and picked up that stupid, empty coffee cup. His coffee cup. She stared at it, studying the color and the slight imperfection where it had been scratched in some cleaning. She was not going to cry over a fucking coffee cup. She set that cup back on the shelf where it belonged, fingers lingering there. Embry wasn’t really sure what she was going to do until she had to be at the clinic, but she couldn’t stay here. Not surrounded by reminders. She rounded to the coat hook and shrugged into her jacket, snagging her purse off the table. She just...needed to leave so that she could breathe. -- Though her words were biting, they were no less than he deserved, really. He wasn't being mature about any of this- or, at least, he wasn't being open about it. He was avoiding and deflecting and just... hoping that the problem resolved itself without actually ever addressing it. Ignorance was bliss, right? But Gideon sat in his car for a full two minutes without having even turned on the ignition. The grey gloom of an early spring day kept sunshine away, for now, but... he couldn't bring himself to move. To drive away. He knew the route to Dunhaven General and could have made it with his eyes closed. But he couldn't take that first crucial step. Finally setting his coffee cup down in the cup holder- a bit too forcefully, enough that some splashed back onto his hand- Gideon got out of the car all but stalked back to the front door of the loft. Though Embry might have locked it behind him, he took a chance and just reached for the doorknob- relieved when it opened, though that relief was knocked out of him in a huff of breath when he saw her there, coat on and purse slung over her shoulder, ready to make a retreat just the same as he'd done. He met her eyes for one, two, three full seconds. And then Gideon stepped forward, closing the last distance between them, and pressed his lips to hers in a desperate, needful kiss. -- Her gaze snapped up quickly when she heard the door open again, heart racing a little. She...hadn’t expected it to be Gideon, if she were honest. She thought maybe someone had just been trying doors, seeing what easy theft there might be around. Dunhaven wasn’t really that sort of town, but Philly had been, and even after being back here for a few years it was hard to shake those initial instincts. She didn’t know why he’d come back, and she braced herself for an argument...a lash against the words that she’d said to him as he walked out the door. Instead, when he stepped forward, he pulled her close and kissed her. Embry’s purse slipped from her shoulder unchecked and clattered to the ground, but she...couldn’t have cared less. It took just a few seconds for that shock to wear off before she really reacted. Like gravity pulling her in, Embry wrapped her arms around his shoulders, returning that kiss with matched passion. There was no hesitation. If she’d been worried before about the possibility of ruining their friendship with her want for something more, the last few weeks had cured her of it. This...was what she wanted, and she felt hope spark in her chest, ready to spread like wildfire. -- He'd been falling for her in little ways and moments, ever since he'd come back to Dunhaven. And Gideon had tried so dutifully to ignore it, to put it out of his mind. She was a damned genius and she was ten years younger than him and- alright, yes, he was a doctor, and it wasn't as if he was hideous or unintelligent, but... But she was kissing him back. His hands had moved to the small of her back, drawing her into him, and even when he needed to take a breath, Gideon resisted. Finally easing their lips apart, his eyes were still closed as he just exhaled, "Fuck." Whatever that was in relation to, however, he didn't explain- instead, he just kissed Embry again. -- If she were honest with herself, she had always thought he was handsome. Back when they’d first met when she’d been right at the beginning of her career, there had been something heart-stopping about him. But...she had met Peter and had her heart broken by him. Then, she’d had one blissful night with Gideon that wasn’t supposed to mean anything at all. It hadn’t. Not at the time. It wasn’t until he’d shown up in Dunhaven and she had actually befriended him that the celebratory night from years past had seemed to matter. It only mattered because she knew what it was like to be with him, and her emotions seemed to have gotten somehow tangled in what was supposed to just be...platonic gestures. When their lips parted, she stayed close, eyes closed as she dragged a few much-needed breaths into her lungs. That curse he uttered was...at least momentarily concerning. She didn’t know if he was having immediate regrets or not until he kissed her again, and she hoped that was a good sign. It was Embry that broke the second kiss, though it was only for need of another breath. She remained close, reluctant to even speak in case she...said the wrong thing or it would remind him of whatever reasons he’d been keeping his distance in the first place. Still, she felt like she had to say something so she...tried for something light, “That’s...better than talking.” -- It was probably good that Embry said something, or Gideon might have just kissed her again, content to do something that he knew how to do rather than the more difficult choice of admitting… well, anything. But she said that the kissing was better than talking, and he couldn't help but laugh a little, adding, "You're just saying that because I haven't been talking to you for weeks." -- “Probably. Jerk,” she punctuated that sentiment, which was mostly a joke, with another kiss, though she didn’t let it linger on quite as long as the previous ones because he actually did have to work in a little over an hour, and if they didn’t talk she was going to spend the rest of this whole damn day in her head wondering what all of this meant. It was with some reluctance that she shifted back enough to really see him, though she hadn’t stepped out of his arms, “Talk to me now?” -- Calling him a jerk was no less than he deserved, all things considered, and Gideon didn't refute the word. And while he maybe should have withdrawn his touch from her, he didn't. He… could pretend, just for a minute more. Right? He didn't know what to say. Or, at least, there was too much in his head, none of which seemed to make enough sense to say aloud. "I'm…" He pulled a hand back, running it roughly over his face with a frustrated sound. "Too old." -- She watched him closely as he seemed to struggle with words, a small frown taking up residence on her lips. She tilted her head a little as he ran his hand over his face, though she found some small measure of relief that he did still have one hand at her back. So that was it. Their respective ages were still the problem, only it wasn’t that he just felt weird about knowing she was younger...it was that she was younger and he felt at least enough for her to kiss her. She wouldn’t put a label to all of that without...knowing for sure what it was. “Oh, yes. Thirty-four is practically geriatric,” her voice was soaked in sarcasm, but she dropped the tone to seriously insist, “You’re not too old.” If anything, she pulled herself a little closer to him, not daring to let go, “Gideon, I always knew about the difference in our ages. I don’t care. I’m not...a child. I’m an adult that can make decisions for myself about what I want.” -- His eyes narrowed at her quip, hand falling back to his side as he pressed his fingers into his own palm. It wasn't as though he thought he was particularly ancient, no. But it was… a different sort of consideration, when someone someone else was involved. "I never said you were a child, Embry." Because that, at least, seemed important to clarify. His hesitations were internal, not external. -- Maybe she shouldn’t have joked, but that was...probably a flaw in her personality. She could sometimes be a little too prone to deflect for her own good, and sarcasm was a good way to do it. He insisted on not meaning that she was a child, and yet...he seemed to be withdrawing from her already. Another moment and he might let her go altogether. “Then tell me what you do mean,” she offered, seeing as her...willingness hadn’t seemed to resolve his hesitations. -- For as much as he'd had these worries in his mind, being presented with the opportunity to share them didn't… much seem to help. Gideon looked up at the ceiling, as if he might find some sort of inspiration or perhaps a divine intervention would strike from above. But nothing came. Finally, Gideon let out a heavy breath. "I'm basically a decade older than you. No one's ever going to look at me and you and not see that. They're going to think I'm some kind of… I don't even know what. Pervert, sugar daddy, some… other word I don't even know. I want you, Embry- fuck, I really want you- but I can't saddle you with that kind of… emotional baggage. You deserve better." -- She listened to what he was saying, but all that she really gleaned from it was...well, that it was everyone else’s problem. Embry’s frown deepened, her hold on him relaxing a little bit, but she shook her head in denial of that conclusion, “Who the fuck cares what everyone else thinks? It’s not baggage unless we let it become that way. Who’s to say that they won’t look at me and think that I’m just some gold digger after you for your status and salary?” Shaking her head, she sighed, “People are always going to make assumptions, Gideon, but I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to let the potential of those outside opinions dictate what we are to each other. Have you considered that maybe they’ll look at us and see people that are good and happy together instead? I don’t...want to let fear of what anyone else thinks rule my decisions. I have been scrutinized my entire life. I can’t afford to let judgements bring me down because if I did, I’d never get away from it. What I deserve...is someone who wants me, and someone who is a really damn good friend, too, when he’s not in his head about the opinions of people that don’t matter.” -- She accused him of being in his own head, and, well she wasn't wrong. And maybe her thoughts on the matter were more relevant than his own, at least for the fact that she'd been dealing with the preconceptions of others much longer than he had. Gideon was quiet for several moments, though he didn't pull away from her. "I do want you, Embry." And he'd said it already, but maybe the sentiment has been clouded by his own hesitations. "So tell me how to get over those hang-ups." -- His assurance of wanting her did make her heart feel a little lighter. At least he hadn’t changed his stance on that. It was, after all, the most important part, especially seeing as that want was mutual. “I wish I could tell you there’s a magical solution that just...makes you not care,” she told him after a moment of consideration, “For me, it’s reminding myself that no one that’s sharing their opinion knows all my truth. They’re forming conclusions without all the facts, and filling in gaps with their own preconceived notions. If what anyone says about us isn’t true, it shouldn’t matter. We would know that our...being together is based on wanting to be together...not on age or money or...deviance. We are not the first people on earth to have feelings for someone who’s not our age. Hell, we’re not the only people in town. Think about the couples we see at work all the time. Not all of them are high school sweethearts. Do you instantly look at those parents and try to calculate how much of a gap there is in their ages? If you thought they were the perfect couple and found out they were ten or fifteen years apart, would it make you think less of them?” -- He'd asked for some magical cure that almost certainly didn't exist, but... to Embry's credit, anyway, she tried. And her counterarguments all made perfect sense, even if they were things that Gideon hadn't let himself consider before these moments now. Finally, after a moment more, he exhaled. Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead to hers. "So I just... ignore everyone who's not you." -- She was relieved when he leaned in towards her, but she didn’t really know where they stood now. She took a slow breath, “Yeah. I mean, I’m pretty damn wise, actually.” Though she might have liked to kiss him again, she didn’t know if it was a good idea. Maybe he was still reconsidering, and if he did...she definitely couldn’t live here anymore. If he backed away from this, Embry was going to need her distance if she was going to get over it, “More accurately, you ignore everyone who tries to steal away your joy out of...ignorance or small-mindedness. You choose...what makes you happy.” -- Another deep breath, and another little nod. "You make me happy, Em. And I know I've been an ass this last month, trying to keep you at bay. I thought that I'd just... stop feeling things for you if I could... make that separation." It obviously hadn't worked, of course, and Gideon was... glad for that, now. "But if I'm less of an ass to you, well, I'd like to be what makes you happy, too, Embry. No matter how geriatric I am." The word there, this time, offered almost in jest. -- Her initial response was a smile, quickly followed by leaning in and pressing a kiss to his lips once more. Her fingers curled to the back of his neck, keeping him close as she kissed him. It may have been enough of an answer, but she’d asked him to talk so she probably owed him her words, “You make me happy, Gideon...the possibility of all of this makes me very happy. I...didn’t realize I had feelings for you when I agreed to move in, but then they were just there.” She took a deep breath, managing a small smile, “Maybe...we can still do dinner tonight, but as a date?” -- "I didn't realize I had feelings for you, either," Gideon admitted, since it... seemed important to clarify his intentions for having asked her to move in, in the first place. And maybe that, too, had been weighing on his conscience- that she (or others) would think he'd had some sort of nefarious ideas. But he nodded, smiling into another little kiss. "It's a date." -- The fact that they were living together might add a layer of complication to dating, but...well, they’d been good friends for several long months now. The only problem would come around if they didn’t work out, and she really hoped that they did. She wasn’t about to start plotting their eventual demise before they really got started. “I don’t have anyone slated to labor soon, so as long as no one goes early, appointments should be all wrapped up by five for me, so...we can decide if we’re doing dinner in or if we want to go somewhere I’ll have time to make some arrangements.” -- "Let me take you out," Gideon offered, and maybe it was a concession to how he'd treated her since her birthday. But no less deserved, for that. "Anywhere you want, Em. As long as I don't have to wear a tie." Which might have been an odd qualification- he wasn't specifically anti-necktie, no, or even against fancier restaurants. But, at least for a first date, he didn't want to be caught up in... pretenses. -- “There aren’t many places in town that would necessitate a tie,” she reminded him with a small laugh, but she thought about it for a moment before she suggested, “How about Sal’s? It’s where we went that first night you were in town, and we could grab milkshakes from Grandma’s after or something. Nothing fancy, just...good food and better company.” -- Dunhaven was the only small town he'd ever lived in- just for his time at Aurelius, and then for the last... half a year or so. Much of his adult life had been in larger cities that had more options than those limited by Dunhaven's city limits. Still, there was nothing at all wrong with Sal's- or Grandma's. Especially not if milkshakes were going to be involved. "It's a date." And even though they'd both already used that word already, Gideon... just wanted to say it again. -- Though they could have driven out of town to somewhere like DC or even made a reservation at The Square, it wasn’t really their style. They were more...the kind that ate greasy pizza or maybe grabbed a beer and burger at The Pourhouse. She smiled, once again stealing a kiss just because for the first time it seemed she was allowed to, “So...should I meet you here for said date?” -- The little kisses that peppered their conversation were... a new thing, but Gideon was rather looking forward to becoming accustomed to them. "Definitely." They'd have to stagger their time in the bathroom since they'd both likely need a shower after their shifts, but they'd make it work. "I won't be late. That… wasn't supposed to rhyme." -- The rhyme made Embry laugh, even if he hadn’t intended it. She...probably needed to let him go so that he could have a few moments to drink his espresso, process the events of the morning, and go to work. Somehow, letting go made her feel like all of this might be too good to be true and...vanish from right in front of her, “I’ll...see you tonight, then.” She slowly released her hold from around his shoulders, taking half a step back. -- Embry had released his shoulders, and Gideon pulled his own hands from around her, letting his touch trail just a few moments more against the fabric of her shirt. For all that he'd been hung up over what she might think if she ever found out what he felt for her, this... this had gone better than he'd have had any right to hope. Almost without realizing it, he'd caught up one of her hands in his, even as he was trying to step back to leave. Looking down at their newly joined hands, Gideon laughed a little. "I'll..." Except then he was kissing her again, lips all but melting into hers, apparently unable to keep himself from it, now. A deep breath, a moment's pause. "...See you tonight, Embry." -- The more kisses that they shared, the more uncertain Embry was of how she was going to survive the rest of this day without more. She had leaned into that last, lingering kiss, a smile on her lips, although when he said that non-goodbye, a...selfish thought entered her head, and before he could get go of her hand, she tightened her grip around his fingers. “Wait, uh...you...didn’t get your first cup of coffee. You probably still have enough time for it, if you want? It was kind of my fault you didn’t have it in the first place, so I’ll even make it,” she offered, though she would understand if he needed to decline. -- It was a paltry excuse at best, and yet, Gideon didn't even hesitate- though his own response aloud might have been something close to cringe-worthy in its cliche. "You had me at coffee." |