Lorelei Wentworth 🍦 Alice Longbottom (harmonize) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2019-11-30 13:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, * jeanne, * terri, c: foster wentworth, c: lorelei wentworth, c: tallulah waters |
WHO:‌ ‌Tallulah‌ ‌Waters‌, Lorelei Wentworth, & Foster Wentworth
WHEN:‌ ‌Saturday, November 30, 2019
WHERE:‌ ‌The Wentworth Home
SUMMARY:‌ ‌Tallulah finally opens up to someone
WARNINGS:‌ Loss of parent
BINGO:‌ ‌I can’t believe I’m saying this
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She had driven to Lorelei and Foster’s house in somewhat of a daze that she wouldn’t remember later, if she were completely honest. Her emotions had been a raw, open wound for days, and any time she thought she might have a moment to breathe or heal, something else happened to remind her just how wrong she was. She needed all of her siblings, not just Lorelei. Yet, it was her sister’s house that she had the key to. It was Lorelei who knew the most about how she had handled the whole situation with Samuel in the first place...who had warned her not to do this. She felt like a porcelain doll that had been cracked, and was somehow not crumbling. The pressure was just too much, though the collapse felt inevitable. It was only a matter of time, and the sand in that particular hourglass was running out. She had expected - hoped - that it would be Lorelei home first, but when the door had opened, it had been Foster that found her sitting in the dark of the living room, curled up on their couch. She hadn’t been crying. She hadn’t cried since visiting their father’s grave. “Tallulah? Is everything OK?” She couldn’t say no. She couldn’t say yes. “I’m waiting for Lorelei,” her voice had sounded reedy to her own ears, and that had just seemed to make her brother-in-law’s expression pucker with concern even more. He took a step towards her, “Tally, are you sure you’re --” “I’m just...waiting for my sister. If that’s OK.” There was a pause as he weighed his response, and then he just nodded once, “Yeah. That’s more than fine, Tally. I’ll just...I’ll be right back.” He disappeared into the back of the house, and Tallulah just closed her eyes and took a deep breath, clutching a decorative pillow closer to her chest. ~~ Foster had retreated to the bedroom he shared with his wife, but he was already dialing her cell number as he walked. He already had a loose plan in his head. Take the quickest shower known to man so that he would be suitable for filling in for his wife at her business, wait for her to get home, go replace her at The Dreamery until whatever time she would have been able to leave regardless, even if that was closing up shop. There was only one place she needed to be right now, and it wasn’t at work. -- Though Calliope's new shop next door had only just opened yesterday, the town's buzz about it certainly played out at the Dreamery, too. Nearly every customer had asked about it- enough so that Lorelei was currently doodling up a little sign to hang up with the pertinent information. When she heard Foster's ringtone (Lover, Taylor Swift), Lorelei set down her chalk markers and reached for the phone she had tucked into her apron pocket. "Hello, handsome," she greeted, smiling before she'd even heard his voice. -- Though he would have liked this phone call to be a happier one, Foster knew that he couldn’t beat around the bush on approaching this topic. As much as he wanted to ease her into it, there was no easy way. He was used to seeing Tallulah bubbly and happy, or completely in her element, kicking ass on one stage or another. This was honestly...foreign territory for him when it came to Lorelei’s siblings. Though he had seen her upset before, he had never seen the look in her eyes that resided there when he walked through that door. “Hey, babe,” he greeted with a small, apologetic sigh, “Just...go step into the kitchen for a moment, OK?” The request was probably an odd one, but he didn’t want her customers to see whatever reaction she was bound to have. He waited until she had obliged, and he could tell from the quieter background, only faint music heard over the phone. Once she had confirmed, he started, “Tally is here, Lorelei, and I don’t know what it is because she’ll barely talk to me...but something is really wrong. I’m going to get cleaned up really fast, and I’ll relieve you at the shop, but if you’ve got enough staff to cover for fifteen minutes, just...come on home. I don’t want to leave her here…” -- The tone in Foster's voice was unexpected, though Lorelei initially attributed it to, perhaps, a long day at work. But she followed the request he gave, moving until the kitchen's double doors were swinging shut behind her. Tally is here… Though Tallulah had possessed a key to the Wentworth house nearly as long as Lorelei herself, whatever was happening now seemed to have set Foster on edge. She trusted his judgment, and Lorelei knew that he wouldn't have suggested she come home if it wasn't vitally important. "I… Alright." She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, with the abrupt turn this conversation had taken from her expectations. "I'll be home in a few minutes. Can you… um, before you shower, can you put in some milk to heat for cocoa?" -- “Yeah. I can do that. I’m sorry, Lorelei. I didn’t want to just spring it on you, but I also didn’t know what else to do. She just kept saying she was waiting for you,” Foster ran a hand through his hair, but didn’t leave the bedroom, not particularly wanting Tallulah to catch wind of this conversation, “If you all end up needing anything else before I get home later, just text or call me, yeah?” He expected to pass her there at home, but he also anticipated her attention to be on her sister, which was exactly where it needed to be. -- "No, it's… You did the right thing, Foster," she insisted, quietly. Even without knowing the whole situation, Lorelei already knew that there would have been no easy way to bring it up. "I'll see you soon." After hanging up the phone, Lorelei took several deep breaths, then set about to leave the familiar shop. Her employee could handle things just fine, and Foster would be a set of extra hands if needed. Her own mind was already on Tallulah. Recent conversations played through her mind- though, admittedly, most of them had been over text, and tone could always be misconstrued there. Had she missed some vital clue, something that would give her any kind of hint as to what she might be walking into? Arriving home, Lorelei stepped inside and took quiet stock. No shower running, which meant that Foster was likely dressing to leave. She saw Tally's blonde hair peeking from the other side of the sofa, and though Lorelei's every instinct said to go wrap her up in an embrace, she instead quietly padded over to the kitchen, instead. Hot cocoa might have seemed like a trivial thing, but Lorelei was a firm believer in the healing power of not only sweets but also comfortable memories. And they had always made cocoa together over the winter holidays, curling up with oversized mugs and romantic, snowy movies. -- Foster had come back to check on her not that long after he'd gone to the back of the house. He had said nothing, and she was glad for it because she didn't trust herself to speak. She had heard him rustle around in the fridge for something, and then he'd returned to his room. She had listened to the calming patter of water running in the shower, and closed her eyes, sinking further against the couch cushions. She curled herself into them, and closed her eyes, but she couldn't sleep. She hadn't slept more than a few fitful, sporadic hours in days. She wished she were more like Iko in those moments. That she had an off switch. Maybe then, she could turn all of this off for just a little while. Maybe a reboot would fix whatever was wrong with her. But maybe that damage was permanent…a flaw in her code that no number of patches could ever repair. She heard when the door opened, and she knew it was Lorelei. She would know the cadence of those footsteps anywhere. Tallulah could deduce that Foster had called her, and she tried to not be upset about that. Yes, she needed her sister, but she hadn't wanted to inconvenience her. She would have waited. She stayed right where she was on the couch. Moving felt as though it required too much effort. -- They must have timed it all just right, really. (Something right in whatever else was going so very wrong.) Lorelei had just finished putting snowman-shaped marshmallows on top of the cocoa in their mugs when Foster emerged from their shared bedroom. He was freshly showered, of course, and she turned toward him with a hesitant smile. Her voice, when she spoke, was quiet. (Tallulah might have been able to overhear from the living room, but Lorelei rather just hoped that her sister just wasn't paying attention.) "Thank you for calling me," she offered, slowly. "I don't know what it is, but I- I'll figure it out. And I'll pay you double time for covering my shift," Lorelei chanced a small smile, "if you give me a kiss before you go." -- Foster had returned her hesitant smile with one of his own, hoping it was warm enough to give her any measure of comfort. When she offered to pay him double time, however, he raised a brow, and quietly replied, “Baby, you don’t need to pay me anything.” He paused a moment, and amended, “Just take me on a hot date and we’ll call it even.” He did step forward and press a kiss to her lips, a brief and familiar gesture, though one that he thought she needed just as much as he did, “I’ll have my phone if either of you need anything.” -- Lorelei had pressed her lips together in an effort to keep from laughing, but she was sure Foster would be able to see it in her eyes all the same. "Oh, have you got yourself a deal, Wentworth." She had needed the kiss, as much as she ever did, but for different reasons now- ones that she wasn't entirely certain she could articulate, if asked. Lorelei let a hand rest at Foster's hip for just a moment, but then stepped back, eyes still closed as she nodded. "Thank you. Love you." Once he had gone, Lorelei carefully gathered up the two mugs of cocoa and headed toward the living room. She set the mugs down on the coffee table (smiling at the little irony in that name), and tucked herself up onto the sofa, sideways and facing her sister. She didn't move to touch her. "Hey." -- Foster had left a few moments later. Tallulah had heard bits of their conversation, including sentiments he’d expressed to her in return just before he’d walked out the front door, keys jingling in his hand. She had known it before that moment, but there was a small pang in her heart at the reminder that she would probably never have the kind of relationship that her sister did. She admired their love. Envied it, even. That kind of love wasn’t meant for her, and she’d proven that. Even when she felt the weight on the couch shift, Lorelei joining her there, Tallulah did not move to sit up. She could smell the cocoa. She wanted to accept it graciously with a big smile like she would have if everything was fine. There was a storm raging beneath the surface of calm, and she’d been swept up in it for a week, screaming against the wind where no one could hear her. She was quiet for another long few moments, not knowing where to start. She didn’t move, but a silent tear rolled over the bridge of her nose. Her voice was quiet when she admitted, “I went to see Daddy the other day.” Such a thing usually happened only once a year for Tallulah. She almost never went alone, and it was always close to the anniversary of their father’s passing, which wasn’t for another month and a half yet. -- Whatever this was, Lorelei would at least try to approach it Tallulah's pace. Tally had taken the first step in coming here, even if she hadn't specifically asked for anything besides the need to see her. So she would be here, for her. Daddy. A hand clenched around Lorelei's heart, but she tried not to forecast this emotion otherwise. She often spoke with their father when she was out on the water- times which had significantly decreased in recent colder weeks- but she also knew that such a thing wasn't a frequent occurrence for Tally. They had all processed Lachlan's death in different ways. "I'm sure he was glad to hear from you," she offered, quietly. -- She pursed her lips, though Lorelei couldn’t have known. Her conversations with their father were frequent, and as far as Tallulah could tell, they were almost all pleasant. She shook her head against the couch cushion, “Probably not. I yelled at him, and then gave him every reason to be pretty disappointed in me. So.” She bit the inside of her cheek, a shuddering breath leaving her lungs, “I fucked up.” The admission seemed to bring the weight of all those days down on her all at once. She released that cushion and sat up, her muscles tense, but with every ticking second she felt panic begin to rise. So much so, that she stood from the couch, her chest feeling as though it had a crushing weight set upon it. She tried to breathe in and failed, shaking her head, her voice wheezing and breathless, “I really...really fucked up, and I need…” Whatever she needed, she didn’t have enough air to say it, though the list felt endless, and she was fairly certain that she deserved none of it. -- Lorelei winced, looking down at her own lap. Her eyes were still averted when Tallulah had spoken again and then stood, seeming to start hyperventilating with every successive word. Lorelei sat up taller, swinging her legs around so she could plant her own feet on the floor, and she reached a hand out toward Tallulah. "Hey, hey- breathe, okay? You need to breathe, before anything else. Just one thing at a time, Tally. We can figure this out." -- You need to breathe, before anything else. It was easier said than done. What should have been the most natural thing in the world took great effort for her to accomplish. If her one thing had to be breathing, she supposed she was failing at that, too. For several long moments, her chest could not figure out how to inhale, and when her lungs sputtered to life, it was only with enough room to take in a small, slow gasp of air. She exhaled, and was able to take another slow breath…then another. Each of them seemed to cost her something, and none of them were full inhales, but they were enough. Her lips trembled, eyes squeezed closed, "It w-wasn't supposed to h-hurt. I wasn't s-supposed to feel anything." -- Lorelei had experienced panic attacks before, of course, and she knew that just saying words as she was doing wasn't... necessarily going to be the thing that helped Tally. But she was quiet, calm, and patient, waiting for Tallulah to work through those panicked and anxious moments. Tally hadn't taken her hand, so Lorelei finally took a small amount of initiative and grabbed hold of her sister, fingers lacing together. Grounding. "You're human, Tallulah. Like it or not, that comes with emotions, sooner or later." -- Tallulah had floated through Thanksgiving, and all the hugs that came with it in a disassociated sort of state. She hadn't truly felt them, even as they were squeezed against her body. But she felt Lorelei's hand, and it was the first kind touch she'd allowed herself to truly accept all week. It was nothing like the sensation of Mo barreling into her, knocking her into the ground. It was nothing like the shove of her hands against Archer's chest, covered in hot macaroni. She gripped Lorelei's hand back, almost too tightly. A delirious sort of giggle passed her lips, and she shrugged, "Maybe that's why I dream of being an android. She wanted the emotions, I don't. We're proper foils." Opposites. Iko was a hero. Tallulah certainly felt like the villain of this particular chapter of her life. "I should have listened. You tried to warn me," she knew that it was cryptic at best, but Tallulah could barely think about him without falling apart. This whole week had been one nightmare after another, "I ran him clear across the whole fucking country, Lorelei." -- The giggle seemed to take Lorelei by surprise, but she didn't otherwise move or draw away. An... android? But then Lorelei remembered- last April, at the bout in Delaware. Tally had collapsed on the track, and... "T-total system failure. Systems offline." Oh. "But we're not who we dream of," Lorelei insisted, quietly. "Not really. We're just plain old Lorelei and Tallulah, same as we've always been, yeah?" Warned her? About what? Tally's words were disjointed, of course, but Lorelei tried to follow along. She felt like she wasn't helping much at all. Still... Him? "Is... is this about Samuel?" -- They were not who they dreamed, no. But Tallulah had seen the messages on the network of people getting special abilities from their dream selves. They sometimes became just a little bit more like those other people, and sometimes Tallulah wondered if she would wake up without a heartbeat…if she would become wires and circuit boards instead of flesh and blood. Stranger things had probably happened in Dunhaven. She was, however, content to push that thought aside for the moment, focusing instead on…Samuel? "He's gone," Tallulah hung her head, lip trembling, "When he called me his girlfriend, I panicked. I did the same thing I always do. I ruined everything." -- Lorelei had seen the net post, of course. When Tally had announced her big contest win, and Samuel had been among those joining in the congratulations. If he'd called her his girlfriend, well, Lorelei hadn't paid the name any mind. She just… assumed… Finally, Lorelei stood from the sofa. She stepped closer to Tally, giving their joined hands a little squeeze. "What happened, Tally?" She knew, of course, that asking the direct question wouldn't equal an easy response from her sister. "If you… Let's talk through it, and maybe I can help you fix it, yeah?" -- "I think it's too late to fix it," she said, though that was probably her fault, too. If she had made any kind of effort sooner. If she hadn't let herself get so incensed in the first place. If she wasn't so scared to let anyone in. Despite the fact that she doubted anything could be done, she needed to talk about it. She needed someone that loved her to weigh in on the barrage of horrible things that had happened since the Friday before, "I…told myself that there wouldn't and couldn't be any commitment to what we were doing, Lorelei. But I didn't make that clear enough with him. So he assumed…and I was…I don't even know. Angry, terrified…destructive." She sniffed, and her shoulders slumped. Her voice was wavering, her tone up and down, cracking at points, "I told him I didn't think I could promise anyone a commitment." -- So he assumed… 'Girlfriend', then, hadn't… been a mutual decision. As much as Lorelei differed in the way she had approached her own relationship, she knew that Tallulah had drawn her own lines for what she wanted and was comfortable with. What she could accept. "Tally…" Lorelei's voice was quiet and calm. "If he wanted something you wouldn't give him, that is not your fault. Communication woes or not, you have every right to enforce your own boundaries." -- It was the first time in that infinitely long week that she had considered the point that Lorelei was making. She hadn't even thought of it. She had so easily taken on the blame, because it was she who was different. Back before their father had died, she had actively wanted and sought out relationships. She had wanted something loving and committed. Now, she just didn't want to hurt other people with her own problems, but that created whole other issues on its own. Namely, she was still hurting people. "I still hurt him. I hurt both of us. And that's what I was trying not to do. But he left. He went back to California. Mo made it very clear that he's really done with me, and that he thinks it's my fault. And…and that guy I went on that other date with months ago? He said I should have the decency to not show my face in public, to spare the good and honest people of town. I ruin everything good, Lorelei." -- The addition of Mo and… the other guy seemed to throw Lorelei off for a moment, but she tried to bring the focus back to Tally and Samuel. They were the source of what had happened, for better or for worse. "But if you hurt him in being honest, in reinforcing what you need- from him, for yourself… Tally, you can't drag yourself under because he didn't agree with you. If you and Samuel are over, it's because you didn't want the same things, not because you were wrong or ruinous." -- Tallulah needed that blame lifted from her shoulders, but it wasn't easy to let go of it, even with Lorelei giving her that permission. It was all tied up there with the contrast between what she wanted and what she felt like she needed, "That's part of the problem, too, though, and it still comes back to me." That...wasn't a good explanation of her thoughts and she knew she needed to expand the comment, but it was difficult to say. More difficult than it had been when she had been expelling her every thought and bad feeling in the cemetery. "What I want…does include Sa…" her voice failed her on his name, and she pressed her lips together for a moment, but decided not to make herself say it, "I just…won't let myself go there, Lorelei. Because I don't know that I can give what he needs or deserves. I keep saying that people leave, and I just…I make that come true. I either push people until they walk away, or I'm the one that runs." -- "We're human, remember? That means we're all different, too. Tally…" Lorelei exhaled. "For Samuel or for anyone else. If you forever judge what you can give against some impossible standard of perfect, you'll never get there. If you want to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, then make it one where you find someone who is willing to accept- and to revel in- what you can give." -- She closed her eyes for a long moment, and though she understood what her sister was trying to impress upon her, Tallulah knew that if that were to be true, she would still have to change. Her self-fulfilling prophecy was this way because she was unwilling to give anything of herself beyond the surface. "I'm not judging myself against perfect. I'm judging myself against the fact that I haven't been able to let anyone except family and Ash close to me since Daddy died. Even the Derby girls, the trust only goes so far. And I didn't make an exception for him because I am terrified of giving anyone the power to hurt me...because if I give them every reason to leave, it's not a surprise when they do. No one is going to revel in always being kept an arm's length away, Lorelei. Not anyone that actually wants something real." -- And that... oh, that sounded all too familiar. Not for Lorelei, necessarily, but for Alice Fortescue. Those memories that Lorelei had felt so keenly, even when they had been at odds with what was in her own heart. The way she'd kept Frank at arm's length- or worse- rather than let him see anything close to her truth. "Vulnerability comes with the territory. You can't choose to only halfway mean something to someone because in the end, that hurts worse. What is this fucking life worth without love? What would the point of it be, if we kept our hearts so sheltered that no one ever got in? That's a lonely life, and it's not what I want. Part of loving someone is giving them that power and trusting them not to destroy you with it. It's not about deserving it. It's about trust." "So how do you stay safe, then, Tally? I... I know you've said that being single, being alone, isn't the worst thing in the world. And it's not, if you're happy that way. But if you're not... Something's got to give." -- “I don’t know,” she admitted, though she had been content to be single until she had met Samuel. Spending time with him had been easy...happy. Once she had let herself decide that it was fun, she had stopped worrying about everything else and just let herself enjoy it while it lasted. Until the day that it had blown up in her face. It was not news to her that something would have to change if she didn’t want to be alone, but that was the reason things had fallen as they had in the first place...because she didn’t know how to open herself up to that. “It’s too late anyway. His neighbor said he packed everything out of his dorm. I went...to try to explain myself. It doesn’t sound like he planned to come back.” Which really spoke of how desperate he was to put distance between himself and Tallulah, “Even if he does come back, I got the message loud and clear from Mo that I should...stay away.” -- Tally seemed certain that it was too late for anything, though Lorelei was (as yet) unconvinced. The notion that Samuel had moved away- across the country, even- on such short notice seemed a bit extreme, right? Surely that was a misunderstanding… "Since when does Mo have anything to do with you and Samuel?" It was a genuine question. Lorelei knew Mo from roller derby, of course, and respected her as an athlete, but they didn't often associate off the track. She was… a bit too intense for Lorelei's taste, most of the time. -- Lorelei’s question was a genuine one, but Tallulah knew that the answer was going to upset her sister. She still felt like she was barely holding together at the seams, all of her stitching coming undone. Those threads were busted and loose, though her sister had somehow managed to catch some of the loose ends, holding onto them just tight enough to keep her from crumbling altogether. She still couldn’t say his name, “His sister...Hannah is one of Mo’s best friends.” She looked down at her feet, though even almost a week out, the bruises down her left side were still ugly, “I went to a free skate to try to work out some of my frustrations. Mo was there with her cousin. They sent me a pretty clear message that...that he wants me to keep my distance. Halie literally said that he was going cross country just to get away from me...you know, in between Mo telling me to go fuck myself and that he deserves better than me.” -- When Tally explained the familial connection, Lorelei nodded- somewhere, in the back of her mind, she'd known that. She just hadn't been able to connect those dots at first. Still, even knowing that, it didn't make the rest of what Tallulah said any easier to hear. "That..." She hesitated, frowning in concentration. "Alright, granted, I don't know him nearly as well as you do," did?, "but that... just doesn't sound like the sort of message he'd send, you know? I... I know the leaving was abrupt," and unscripted, it seemed, "but Mo has always been more than a little abrasive and... headstrong, you know? I wouldn't put it past her to be putting words in Samuel's mouth, especially if he's not here to say otherwise." Finally- and maybe it was still ill-advised, but Lorelei couldn't resist it any longer- Lorelei stepped closer and pulled Tallulah into an embrace. "Whether it's fixing things with Samuel, or someone else on down the road, or finding perfect peace all on your own- you, Tallulah Brooke Waters, are entirely deserving of love and affection and unfettered happiness. And anyone who says differently can go fuck themselves." -- No, Samuel wasn’t the kind of person to even say a curse word, much less direct them at an individual. Tallulah did know that. Still, the base of the message...to keep her distance? She could believe that. She couldn’t have blamed him for not wanting anything else to do with her. Even though it hadn’t been her intention to string him along, that was exactly what she’d ended up doing, “Maybe...I don’t...I don’t know anymore.” She wasn’t entirely expecting the embrace when it came, and though she winced a little at the pressure, she didn’t pull away. All the many signs and signals over the last week that had come at her, denying the very thing that Lorelei was saying now, had worn against her spirit. She’d begun to believe them...that being alone was truly the only way to protect everyone else from herself, and that she had squandered every chance at being deserving of love. It was also that embrace that broke what little composure that Tallulah had left. The sobs that wracked her chest were uncomfortable, and the bruises ached under pressure even as she tightened her hold around her sister. For several long minutes, those tears were all that she could manage, her breathing uncontrolled and halting, all of the negative feelings that had been directed toward her - and the ones that she’d harbored for herself - a stark contrast to what Lorelei was insisting upon. All that she knew was that she needed to stay right there, surrounded by someone that loved her, until she felt like she could breathe again. -- For the first moment or two, Lorelei was afraid that Tally might have pulled away from the embrace, might have denied that contact and the emotions it held. The pressure of the hug was almost Lorelei's way of just... trying to help hold her sister's broken pieces together. They wouldn't all heal today, and she knew that, but if she could just get them back in place... there might be hope. But Lorelei just held her tighter, even lacing her fingers into her sister's unruly and unkempt curls, holding her as the sobs took over. Crying was more than a little cathartic, of course, and if that was what Tallulah needed, she wouldn't dare stop it. "I love you," she offered, after some time. "And... and it's okay if you don't love yourself right now, Tally. It's not always easy to, and I know that as well as anyone else." -- The crying was probably overdue. She had cried in the beginning, and then it had left her altogether until now. There was plenty for her to cry over, after all. The assurance that Lorelei would love her now, even if she didn’t love herself...well, that might have been one of the most important things that Tallulah needed to hear. She’d been so angry and spiteful towards herself over the last few days that it wasn’t easy to let go of that, even though she would have to with time. “Thank you,” she said after a long moment, sniffling against her sister’s shoulder, her eyes closed tightly, “I think...it might take some time for me to love myself again.” That wasn’t an easy thing to admit, but it was easier knowing that she was not alone in how she was feeling now, even though she was saddened to know that Lorelei knew what this felt like. It was an unpleasant, ugly sort of feeling. -- "One piece at a time, yeah?" It was, admittedly, something that Finnley had suggested to Lorelei in one of her therapy sessions. And she was certain that Finnley had explained it much better, but, still. Lorelei tried. "You don't have to love all of yourself all the time. Maybe one day you just really love your eyes, or another day you really love the way you sing. The pieces are just as important as the whole." -- As much as this was all coming down on her now, these moments had not been the catalyst for her feeling this way. It had been what made her admit it and acknowledge it, perhaps, but Tallulah had been more than willing to pass harsh judgements on herself for years. She listened while her sister explained that loving pieces of herself would add up over time…that it was OK to just focus on the things that might otherwise feel trivial. Even if sometimes the thing that she loved about herself most was just that her family loved her, and that would have to be enough for right then...it would have to be reason enough to keep trying. "I'm not sure what that piece is right now," she admitted, a small shudder going through her shoulders. -- "That's okay," Lorelei insisted, quietly. "I can lend you some of my love for you, in the meantime." She wouldn't list off the (many, many) things that she held dear about her sister, no- because, at best, Lorelei expected it would make Tallulah uncomfortable. But, unspoken or not, the feeling was there. "Though," she seemed to almost playfully consider, adding, "the piece could be how much you love hot cocoa." -- Although Tallulah honestly did know herself to be a talented individual that was worthy of the things Lorelei was insisting upon now, that did not negate the fact that right now her emotions told her the opposite. She couldn’t shake those feelings, even though logic told her otherwise. Sometimes emotions didn’t make sense, especially when perpetuated by otherwise unsavory individuals. “I do love hot cocoa,” she agreed after a moment, though she hadn’t quite released on her hold on Lorelei yet. She figured that was the signal that she should, though, if only to partake in the comforting drink that Lorelei had gone through the trouble of making for the both of them. As she did let go of her sister, her expression twisted in a little bit of discomfort again as she straightened out her body, her hand pressed gingerly to her side for a moment before she looked to the mugs on the table. Her cheeks were undoubtedly blotchy and tear stained, and her eyes red. She was certain that she was the furthest thing from presentable. She stuffed down that thought, and though they were partially melted now, Tallulah did notice, “You made snowmen.” -- Lorelei would have been more than happy to keep holding on to Tallulah, if that was what she needed. Even as girls, they'd shared a bed more than a few times, needing the comfort and security of sisterhood. There was a reason that Tally had a key to this house, after all. "You're staying here tonight, by the way," Lorelei added, as she motioned toward the sofa and took a seat once more. They could curl up with their mugs, for now- and she reached for her own, holding it in both hands to let its warmth pull back into her. "Of course I made snowmen." -- Lorelei’s statement left no room for question, though the protest and accompanying anxiety was there on the tip of her tongue. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to stay, but she had already hesitated to come here as long as she did out of a fear of being a disruption...an imposition. She’d already caused Lorelei to come home from work early, sending Foster in her place. She settled onto the couch cushions and picked up her cocoa, quiet for a moment as she took a sip. It was still warm. Not hot like it would have been had she accepted it earlier, but it hadn’t gone cold yet. She stared into the mug and that slowly melting snowman for several long moments, her stomach in knots. She swallowed thickly before she asked, “Do you...do you think it’s selfish to ask Nick and Romy to come over?” -- Once Tallulah had sat back down on the sofa, Lorelei moved just a bit closer to her, wanting to give even a minor amount of physical connection between them. A quiet reminder. "I don't think that's selfish at all." Lorelei might have refuted the idea in stronger language, if Tally had been of a braver disposition at the moment, but if she was already questioning her self-worth and the willingness of her siblings to support her... Well, Lorelei wouldn't push her limits too far. "Would you like me to text them? We can have a good ol' fashioned Waters night." -- She didn't question that when her siblings needed her, she would come running. She didn't know why it felt like a selfish act to ask that of them in return. Maybe it was because whatever suffering she was experiencing felt like it was of her own doing…that the pain and the heartbreak were just symptoms of her own failures. She nodded after a moment. She wasn't sure what she would text to them, and she still didn't know if she could do the asking on her own, "OK. That sounds good." She took another couple of sips of her cocoa, until it was about half finished, and settled it into the coffee table (yes, on a coaster) again. It was good, but neither did she want to push the boundaries of what her stomach was willing to tolerate while she felt twisted up as she did. Rather than settle back against the cushions, Tallulah tucked her legs up onto the couch, too, and laid her head in Lorelei's lap. She closed her eyes, not as panicked as before, though she'd settled into some melancholy that seemed to be a mixture of sadness and just…the feeling of being numb. |