kaz brekker | grishaverse. (nomourners) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2019-07-27 23:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, * jamie, * kit, c: cash wolfe, c: evan meadows |
WHO: Cash Wolfe & Evan Meadows
WHEN: Wednesday, July 17, 2019; Late Afternoon
WHERE: Amsterdam!
SUMMARY: Cash and Evan make the decision to figure out where their new boundaries are after Cash realizes his therapy is working.
WARNINGS: None, really! There’s touching and discussion of intimacy, but there’s nothing graphic or nsfw!
It hadn't escaped Evan's notice that she had somehow been the lucky recipient of a trip to Ketterdam. It wasn't actually Ketterdam, of course; that city was nothing but the setting of nightmares from other lives of people Evan happened to hold dear. But from the moment that she and Cash had stepped out of the airport and she'd stared out the window of the car that took them through the streets to the hotel that would be their home for a week, she'd realized there was a familiarity to the city. The explanation came soon enough. The canals. The familiar smell of raw herring when they walked the streets and passed a vendor. The humidity that clung to the air during the hottest part of the day. The familiar looking rooftops as they wound through more historical parts of the city. Despite the realization, Evan had been determined not to let it cast a shadow over their vacation together. It wasn't as though she was unused to going on trips with Cash, but this was the first that had required international travel. She wanted to make the most of their time together as well; she knew that she didn't have to worry about requesting time alone with Cash, but being away from Dunhaven and having a break from their lives to just focus on the other wasn't something she would turn down. As much as she liked exploring and going to museums or galleries and whatever else they might happen across, though, she liked just spending time with Cash more. Being around crowds of people left her exhausted more often than not. Being around Cash energized her. That was why, after a particularly busy afternoon, she knew that what she needed to get back into tourist mode for the next day was an evening of the two of them. Besides, if they were going to be kept at a hotel as nice as the one that the radio station had picked out for her prize, then Evan was pretty sure they had to spend some time there to enjoy the many free perks that came with the package. After getting back to the hotel, Evan had taken a quick shower (in the bathroom, of course, rather than in the presumptuously placed bathtub near the bedroom area of their suite) to wash the humidity of the city off of her. Once changed into some comfortable clothes to laze around in, she emerged back into their suite proper and suggested, "I think we should order a whole bunch of desserts from the room service menu tonight. The list of pastries is calling my name." The unsettling similarities between Amsterdam and Ketterdam had not been at all lost on Cash, either. The moment he’d caught his first whiff of the canals, something feral had woken inside of him and it had been everything in him to quash all of the things that reminded him of Kaz. He’d been working so hard to fight the way Kaz clung to his psyche and this trip had been meant to be something special, something that belonged to him and Evan with no Dregs crashing the party. He’d gone along with the touristy things Evan had wanted to do, and there was a part of him that had wanted to do them, too. But what Cash really preferred on this trip were moments spent in the comfort of the swanky, free hotel room that didn’t smell like the streets he’d been reborn on, or look like the small kingdom he’d been building beneath the noses of Per Haskell and Pekka Rollins. Here, in this hotel room, it was easier to remember that it was just the two of them, with no standing invitations for Kaz and Inej or the bullshit that was life in the Barrel. Here, Cash could plant himself firmly in his own head where he could kiss his girlfriend, and hold her hand, and hold her to him while they slept. If he were honest with himself, here was also where he could think about a time when they’d both be comfortable enough to take advantage of that excessive, gratuitous jacuzzi in the middle of their suite. It was easier to be the person who was so in love with his best friend that nothing, nothing could keep him from being with her. And so it was almost a relief to hear Evan’s suggestion for the night because, even if they just spent the whole of it devouring baked goods and watching Netflix, they would be together and his head would be clear. “What if we just order one of everything on the menu, period, and work our way through the whole cart?” he suggested, reaching out to pull her toward him where he sat perched on the bed. Smiling easily as she let Cash pull her in, Evan stopped just short of the bed, standing in front of him. The room had begun to feel like a sanctuary of sorts to her too, an anchor in reminding her just who they were and what they were to each other. If she stood at the window too long, her gaze out on the roofs of the buildings around them, she could feel herself sink into Inej. She could imagine perching in that window, feeding the crows and hearing a lecture from Kaz about how she shouldn't befriend them, because they have poor manners. She could imagine slipping out and scaling the wall, jumping from rooftop to rooftop as she did her work as the Wraith. But as soon as Evan turned and looked back into the room, it was Cash that she saw, not Kaz. Just like in Dunhaven, it was Cash that grounded her. Not that it surprised her. Location would never change what he was to her. Evan reached out tentatively, her fingers brushing his shoulder. She was careful to keep to the fabric, even as her gaze stayed fixed on his. That familiar twinge around her heart that he had inspired for much longer than she'd allowed herself to recognize released into a comfortable warmth. "If I'm anything but uncomfortably full by the time we go to bed, then we're doing something wrong." Cash had been worried when he’d been first hit by the shock of Amsterdam that everything he’d been working toward would be lost. He’d been perfectly content to move at such a slow pace with Evan because both of them were battling wars inside their heads and there was no controlling the speed at which they’d win them. But when they had made plans to leave the country together for a week, Cash couldn’t deny that it had crossed his mind that maybe getting away could be the perfect chance to see where they were now, wherever that was. But after landing in Amsterdam, Cash had been afraid to push too far ahead of the comfortable place they’d found in Dunhaven that existed in long sleeve t-shirts despite the heat outside, afraid that he would find out that he’d taken too many steps backward. But as he sat there, Evan’s fingers brushing over the material of his shirt, Cash wanted to be less afraid. He knew now what it was to kiss her, and he wanted to know what it was to not need the flimsy armor he wore when he was with her. Reaching across himself, he gently curled his fingers around her hand, guiding it to his neck where there was no protection from her touch. “I think there’s enough food on the menu that we’ll actually eat to legitimately meet that goal,” he laughed, deciding that pretending like nothing out of the ordinary was happening would lend far more toward his brain not freaking out on him than letting his thoughts linger on where her fingers landed. Evan almost didn't hear him, her attention overtaken by his hand moving hers, her fingertips pressing gently to the skin at his neck. Touching Cash had once been an easy thing, something that neither of them had to think twice about. They held hands and cuddled together, telling themselves that it was something any pair of best friends might do. But when Kaz and Inej had entered their lives, all of that had changed. Their normal lives in Dunhaven had been forced to intermingle with the nightmares that Ketterdam had brought them. Being in a relationship with Cash was as natural to Evan as breathing, but the slow pace had been necessary for them both. That didn't stop Evan from thinking about what their relationship may have looked like without Kaz and Inej's influence. It was hard not to wonder, even as she savored every shared victory that they had together. That first kiss or the first time they were able to hold hands for longer than a few moments. Waking up in his arms their first night in Amsterdam. They meant more, she thought, knowing what mountain they had to climb to get there. Evan's hand shifted, her palm pressing to his skin as her thumb brushed along Cash's jaw. Slowly, she lifted her other hand, giving him time to stop her as her fingers grazed the skin at the edge of his collar. Following suit with the light conversation, she broadened her smile before saying, "That's what vacation is about, right? Eating and sleeping in?" Cash’s breath caught in his throat as she made contact and, for the first time in far too long, it wasn’t death and dying he thought of, it was her and the way his nerves stood on end at her touch. He swallowed hard, then replied, “I mean, those are my two favorite things about vacation. So we go into well-earned food comas tonight and stay in bed for as long as possible tomorrow. Sound good to you?” Tentatively, he reached up and let his hands rest just above her hips beneath the shirt she’d changed into, needing to know if touching her was the same as letting her touch him. It wasn’t the same, but it wasn’t bile that rose in him, but rather a sense of wonder and awe at how he could have lived this long without knowing what it was to do this. “Is this okay?” he asked, knowing that it wasn’t just his own headspace that had kept a distance between them. Despite just how much time she had spent dedicating her thoughts to Cash and what it was to be touched by him, Evan couldn't anticipate just how much his hands on her skin affected her in that moment. There had always been a lingering worry that the nightmares that tore her from sleep some nights would rise to the surface, his touch being confused with that of the too many clients that Inej had known before Kaz helped her escape the Menagerie. But even on her most difficult nights, she knew it was Cash that she needed, that he was the person she trusted to keep her safe, despite that she found it hard to place trust in anyone in that way. He was the one whose presence and steady breathing could lull her to sleep, drowning out the memories. And so, while she couldn't have anticipated the jolt of electricity, Evan wasn't too surprised that it was only Cash she felt. She nodded, smiling slow before confirming, "It's okay. It's good." Her fingers were curious for more, though. "We'll sleep in. Maybe even order a whole breakfast buffet for brunch, too," Evan continued, her eyes moving to watch as one hand lifted, the other staying at his neck. Carefully, she brushed her fingers over his curls, something she had wanted to do for months. Looking back to meet his eyes, her movement paused as she asked in return, "Is this okay?" As curious as she was, she was as hyper aware of Cash as ever, not wanting to push him over a line only he could see. Cash closed his eyes and nodded, everything around them, and everything outside of this hotel room, fading to nonexistence as he let himself revel in this new layer of intimacy that he’d been starved for. He didn’t need anything from Evan other than just her, but he’d have been lying if he’d said he hadn’t longed for the day when they could be comfortable touching each other just like this. “Very,” he replied, reopening his eyes to look up at her. “And maybe we can just plan on ordering dinner in tomorrow night, too,” he joked, letting his fingers slip around her back, wanting to cry at the revelation that he could do it. He was too full of Evan’s nearness for his brain to focus on anything else. A short laugh bubbled up from Evan's chest, though she didn't know if it was born from actually finding his joke to be funny or if it was simply relief as she felt Cash's fingers shift and touch her back. Her own fingers pushed into his hair and she watched as the curls wrapped around each digit, the smile from her laugh lingering on her face as she appreciated this moment and everything it meant for the both of them. It wasn't just for herself, but knowing all of the time and effort that Cash had been putting in, trying to defeat the hold of Kaz Brekker -- she was just so happy for him, proud of him. "I could get used to being waited on like that." It was a joke, but Evan's voice was distracted. Touch trailing up his neck and jaw, she caught his cheek and let out a short breath. "I love you, Cash." There were…no words for how perfect this was. After so much time spent sitting across from his therapist, feeling insane every time he delved into this other life that existed only inside his head, and months of putting everything he learned into practice, here they were. Cash would have been happy with being able to go swimming with his friends, or feeling comfortable walking around his house shirtless, or being able to be hugged by his mom. But this, this was more than he ever could have imagined it could be and, for the moment, he could almost be grateful for the forced brakes on their relationship because it made all of this so much more. “I love you, too, Ev,” he said, and then, after a brief pause, “how hungry are you right this second?” Evan hesitated before answering, letting herself appreciate the I love you that still hung in the air before she thought about food again. It wasn't like declarations of love were uncommon between them, but that didn't stop her from appreciating each and every one. As for food, she let her head tip to the side, considering. Evan could almost always eat, but the thought of stepping out of this bubble that they had created for themselves, to not feel Cash's fingers for even a second, was downright unbearable. "Not very hungry," she decided. "You?" Cash shook his head. “Not very,” he replied, his lips curving into a characteristic grin. Scheming face. “Ev, I don’t want to push this any farther than either of us is comfortable with right now, but...if you wanted to, maybe we could--” Cash took a breath, at once nervous and sure, but also uncertain of how to phrase his words. “Maybe we could find out where our boundaries actually are.” It felt like the most unromantic thing he could have possibly said while holed up in a fancy hotel room in Amsterdam with his girlfriend. It might have been more romantic to just not even say anything, at all. But Cash had a feeling that comfort meant more to both of them than romance when it came to the more physical aspect of their relationship. It took a bit of push for Evan Meadows to blush, but in that moment she felt how her cheeks warmed. As a scheming face of her own stretched across her mouth, it was obvious the flush wasn't from embarrassment, though. It was more from anticipation of venturing into the unknown and from a desire that she'd been trying valiantly to ignore for much longer than the months that they had been officially in a relationship. And it wasn't even as simple as her wanting to explore this part of her relationship with her boyfriend, but because it was Cash. Cash, who knew her better than anyone else, who understood how her mind worked, who loved her despite all of her faults -- or maybe even because of them. "Maybe we could," Evan repeated, fingers moving through his hair again. The sensation would never get old. "I want to, I mean. If you want to, too." Pulling her closer, Cash nodded again. "I definitely want to." He felt like he'd never done any of this before, even if he knew in his head that he had. Maybe it was because it was Evan that all of this felt so new, or because anything in his past had happened to the Cash he'd been before Kaz, and before he'd had his ability to do any of this had been stripped away from him. He had had to work tirelessly on his mental health to reach this point, and he didn't feel like the same person he'd been before now. Whatever the reasoning, he appreciated the fact that he felt like he and Evan were on equal ground. Still, it didn't escape him that Evan would have her own boundaries to contend with, both from her own past and the terrible past Inej had given her. Nothing mattered more to Cash than making sure he stayed conscious of what was okay for both of them, instead of letting himself get carried away with the heady feeling her hands in his hair gave him. "I want you to know, now or ever, we stop whenever you want to stop, okay? It won't hurt my feelings if we figure out our boundaries aren't much different than they have been," he said, scheming face faltering just slightly. "I never want to make you feel like you can't tell me no." Evan didn't think there were words to adequately capture the ease she felt settle over her as she listened to Cash. He didn't have to say the words out loud; she knew that he would respect her and would never put her in a position wherein she felt uncomfortable. Still, hearing him confirm what she already knew just made her appreciate all over again who they were to each other and how right it felt. Not a complete novice to the world of dating, Evan's experience was still limited. The handful of relationships she had entertained before Cash had always ended prematurely because of Cash, not that Evan had ever been too upset about it. Anyone that was intimidated away from her due to a friendship that she would never compromise on was not someone she wanted in her life; though, in retrospect, she had to think that perhaps those exes had understood more than she had at the time. It was in stark contrast to the life of Inej Ghafa, who had gone from a comfortable existence to a waking nightmare in a matter of seconds. It was a mixture of both those lives, though, that left her knowing that Cash was the only person she could ever entertain any of this with. Swallowing, Evan nodded before voicing exactly that. "I couldn't do any of this with anyone else, you know. You're the only person I could ever be, um..." She paused, trying to search for the right word before deciding on, "vulnerable with. Because I trust you, you know?" Evan's fingers traced along Cash's brow before she added, "You can always tell me no, too. I'll always understand." In that moment, and possibly for the first time, Cash was just Cash, and Evan was just Evan, and Kaz and Inej were quiet. The thing was, he already knew he was safe to tell her no when he needed to, even if he seldom wanted to, because she'd been that safe space for him since before they'd started dating. Never once had she asked him for more than he was ready to give, whether it be keeping a safe distance as they sat on couches, or letting their hands go unheld. She'd stayed by his side while he battled through the worst of it, and never rushed him, or made him feel like he wasn't giving her enough. "I trust you more than anyone," he breathed, his fingers splayed across her back as he stood up. He leaned down, resting his forehead against hers as he cycled through too many emotions: anticipation, longing, a little bit of fear, an abundance of love. Stealing a brief kiss from her, he brushed her hair back off her face and asked, a smile on his face, "Ready?" Evan paused as she straightened and pushed herself up on her toes enough to steal a kiss in return, just as brief and soft as the one Cash had taken. Her eyes closed as she appreciated the moment, every hurdle they had sized up and climbed over together. It went beyond the realization of how deep their feelings ran, but to a foundation of years and years of friendship, their lives growing more interlocked with every passing day until they reached this moment -- this very good moment. Her heart felt full and so much of it was because of him. Eyes opening, Evan's dark lashes fluttering as she looked up to Cash. A bright smile crossed her lips, while one of her hands lifted, fingers finding and interlacing with his. She nodded. "Ready." Cash nodded once and gave her another slow, lingering kiss before he pulled away, deciding to start with taking off his own shirt. And while he had been shirtless in front of Evan more times than he could possibly remember, this felt especially vulnerable. He didn’t mind it, though, not with her. They were both ready and all Cash wanted was this, to be able to stand in front of the girl he loved without fear, without hesitation. Without armor. |