WHO: Jun Li and Ash Liang WHEN: Evening of July 14 WHERE: Ash's apartment SUMMARY: After a few weeks of separation, Jun finds himself at Ash's apartment and they have an overdue conversation. WARNINGS: None Â
As the end credits started to roll on the random Netflix rom com that Ash had sat stony-faced through, she blew out a long-suffering sigh. Perhaps a romantic comedy hadn't been the best choice of movies, given the self imposed streak of pity that she had been operating under for the past too many days. It was a ridiculous streak of pity and she knew it, but that didn't stop her from operating under it.
Still. It was ridiculous.
Reaching for the remote, and pausing just a moment to scratch behind Lua's ears from where she was sprawled across the cushion next to Ash, she released one more sigh before deciding that it might be time to shake off said pity. In the wake of coming clean with Jun and telling him about who she was dreaming of and how that truth happened to be linked to his own dreams, she'd given him the space that she knew that he needed. With each passing day that came and went without even a text or network post, let alone a request to meet up somewhere, she found her heart aching just a little bit more. She had thought that she had left the part of her life that pined for the company of Jun Li behind. Apparently not.
Ash turned off the television, glancing at her phone to look at the late evening hour. It still wasn't late enough for her to feel good about going to bed, but it didn't stop her from considering it. Just as she was about to find something else from her Netflix queue to watch, she found herself jumping in surprise when Lua suddenly perked up, then hopped down from the couch with a soft meow. Exactly two seconds later, there was a knock at the front door of Ash's apartment.
Though she didn't have to, Ash looked down at her phone to both look at the time once more and also confirm that she hadn't missed a notification from someone letting her know that they were coming over. She hadn't been expecting anyone, especially not after 8PM, which sent a sudden surge of worry through her. If something happened with her family, surely one of her parents or sisters would have contacted her before dropping in. The list of other people that might just show up at her doorstep was likewise short.
Lua beat Ash through the apartment and the latter found the cat rubbing up against the door and looking at her owner quite expectantly. "Yeah, yeah," she told Lua (and whoever was waiting on the other side of the door, in truth), "I'm coming."
A moment later and she glanced through the peephole and her heart immediately stopped in her chest as she recognized Jun standing there, waiting. Ash looked down at Lua, as though the cat would be able to offer her some wisdom or support in this time, but she simply just blinked up at her. Drawing in a deep breath that did nothing to calm her spiked nerves and racing heart, both reactions that were unique to him, she unlocked the door and opened it.
Before Ash had the time to say anything or even stop her, Lua slipped through the now open door to now rub up against Jun's legs. "Lua, no," Ash scolded to no avail, then turned her attention to her surprise guest. Her expression softened and she had to fight the urge to do something stupid, like fall on her knee to apologize or throw her arms around him. "Hey, Jun. Are you okay?"
It had been...too long since Jun had spoken to Ash. It wasn’t a feeling he was unfamiliar with thanks to their years of radio silence after their amicable yet heartbreaking breakup. He knew what it was like to live without her. The problem, however, was that he also now knew that it had been possible to have her back in his life again and, while he’d been kidding himself to think it could just be in a friendly sort of way, he hadn’t cared because he’d had her. She had come back into his life and turned his world upside down and he hadn’t let himself think of the implications of why she’d been able to do that because he was just too damn happy to have her back, at all.
Perhaps that was why he felt so blindsided by her omissions. He’d let himself get carried away, let himself revel in the comfort of having her close again, all the while ignoring all of the reasons why he needed to be more cautious. He was mad at her, yes, but he was mad at himself for letting himself think that things could so easily go back to how they’d been before. He’d been naive, just as he had been with Cecile. Just as Kai had been with Levana. With Cinder. It was humiliating to never learn.
And none of those feelings came even close to explaining why he’d wound up at Ash’s apartment that night. He’d come home and gone through the motions of being as fine as he told everyone he was. He’d poured himself a drink, and a second one just to calm his fraying nerves--neither his dream life, his personal life, or his professional life seemed to want to give those nerves a break these days--and he’d told himself he was going to call it an early night. Yet somehow his feet had carried him out of his house. His jacket and tie were discarded, his slightly wrinkled button-up rolled up at the sleeves as he’d walked aimlessly through Dunhaven, and he’d told himself he’d just needed fresh air to clear his head before he could sleep. As he started realizing where he was headed, though, he mentally added his feet to his list of those he’d been betrayed by.
Now Lua would her way around those treacherous feet, and Jun felt that hollow chasm inside him ache at the sight of Ash standing in front of him. Before him, she went from Ash to Cinder so interchangeably in his mind’s eye that he once again felt the sting of stupidity that he hadn’t put it together before.
Jun stuck his hands in his pockets, shifting his weight as he took a deep breath. “I’m honestly not even sure anymore,” he finally replied, one shoulder lifting in a defeated shrug.
It was fruitless for her to try but so hard to ignore the ache in her chest, not just because of his presence, but because of those words alone. Ash hated knowing that she might have been the reason for any difficulties he might have been going through, but hating it didn't take that knowledge away. The guilt that she'd been riding occasional waves of in the past weeks of separation started to bubble up once more.
But, he was here. Though Ash wasn't sure yet if that was a good or bad thing, she didn't work too hard to stomp out the bit of hope Jun's presence brought.
"Do you want to come in?" Ash asked, her head listing to one side in question. She didn't wait for an answer, stepping back and widening the door to allow him inside her apartment, if that's what he wanted.
Jun didn’t really even know what he wanted but, just as he had found himself walking to her apartment, he now found himself walking into it. Lua followed him and he felt a glimmer of appreciation for the cat whose affection for him felt unwavering and uncomplicated and unconditional. For a fleeting moment, it made him long for Nainsi, who may not have been capable of loving him, but had been just uncomplicated and reliable. He shook the thought away, though, knowing it was pointless to wish for an android when he was already knee-deep in handling too much from his other life as it was.
Running a hand through his hair as he stopped where he stood, Jun searched for whatever his subconscious had brought him here to say. Maybe he hadn’t intended on saying anything. Maybe he’d just come here to see her, in hopes that being near her would make him feel more grounded like it always used to. Looking at her now, he felt pulled in too many directions.
I hate that we’re not talking, he wanted to say, even though he knew the distance this time was of his own design. He decided to say I desperately want to trust everything you said to me that night when I didn’t respond instead.
But what actually came blurted out of his mouth was, “She wasn’t wrong, you know. Cinder. He was already half in love with her that night, and I guess I’ve just been trying to figure out the past few weeks how much of what he felt actually was real, and how much of what I feel for you is real, and not based on some stupid, nostalgic hope for who we were instead of who we are now. Do I still know you, Ash? Did I make that up in my own head?”
There was a part of Ash's mind that seemed to always belong to Cinder in some way. In that moment, it became alert, all sorts of questions forming that Jun's singular admission about Kai and the feelings he might have had for the girl he'd thought was just a talented mechanic, not a lost Lunar princess. None of that mattered to Ash, though. Maybe it would at a later time, when she had more than a spare second to devote to it, but right then all she cared about was the two of them, Ash and Jun. Cinder could wait.
"I want to say that I'm the same person that you knew when I was twenty-two," Ash started, her hands meeting in front of her as the one made of skin and bones started to play with the pinky joint of her prosthetic in that way she always did when her nerves set in. As she caught the movement, she sighed and lifted both of her hands once, before crossing them in front of her chest. "Maybe I am, in some ways. I still like to stay up late watching romantic comedies and making fun of them afterward. And I still don't like zongzi, but I always eat it when my mom tries to make my grandma's recipe for my dad so she doesn't feel bad. And -- and I still think that you hung the moon, Jun." Her eyes dropped for just a moment as what she'd just said registered in her mind, but there was no taking it back and she didn't try.
Besides, she wasn't done. Ash looked to Jun's face again. "The person I was back then never would have lied to you like I did, by omission or otherwise. I wouldn't have been so selfish as to keep something from you, knowing just how important it would be to you." She paused, weighing her words as she finished, "But I do know that I've never regretted a decision more."
The thing was, Jun was pretty sure he’d done a good job of learning all the ways in which she was the woman she was now, of how she’d changed over the years even as he took in all the ways in which she had stayed the same. Up until the night he’d found out about Cinder, he’d been so confident that he’d been able to read her as easily as he’d always been able to, regardless of how they’d both grown and changed. And for as much as he could tell the differences in both of them, he’d also been secretly, silently sure that his feelings for her would always be one constant between them. It was why he’d tried so hard to deny them, to hide them.
Unwittingly, Jun gravitated toward her, his hands feeling useless and awkward at his sides. “A part of me understands, you know,” he started through an unsteady sigh. “I would have been afraid of losing you, again, too. In my head, I get why you didn’t want to tell me. I felt like such an idiot for not knowing, though, and I’ve been feeling like an idiot far too often these days to not assume that maybe it’s because I am one. And I can’t tell you what it’s like not being able to trust your own feelings. All I want, Ash, the only thing I want, is to be confident in how I feel about you, again.”
"You're not an idiot." The words came automatically, but with a confidence that could only come with feeling as though she was telling the absolute truth. Ash took a step closer to him, moving toward him without even realizing it. "You are the smartest, kindest, most noble man that I will ever know. This -- " She gestured between the two of them, edging toward him one more step before she stopped, "isn't your fault. You couldn't have known, Jun."
Hesitating before she continued, Ash started that nervous gesture of adjusting and readjusting her pinky once more, this time not having the mind to stop herself. "But I hate knowing that my actions might have caused you to question yourself, because you are one of the most important people in my life. I've loved every second we've spent together since I came home and it's not because it reminds me of when we were younger or because I'm nostalgic for back then. Those are great memories and I think about that time a lot more than I want to admit, but it's more than that. I've loved it because it's let me get to know you, right now. Jun Li, this guy that makes me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before and my cat loves and has this super important job, but still is this normal guy that I want to hang out with all the time."
Realizing she went off topic just a bit, she closed her eyes and shook her head once before looking at Jun again. "I don't know if there's anything that I can do to make it easier or help you, but... if there is, I'll do it."
They were close now, so much closer than Jun had been to her in weeks, and it felt like his body’s auto response was to cling to this proximity as much as it could for fear that it would be scarce again tomorrow. Or maybe it wasn’t his body that pulled itself closer to hers, but rather his heart. Whatever the culprit, he was close enough now to be easily distracted by seeing her. He watched the way her emotions rippled across her features as she spoke, the way her eyes closed against the more difficult words and lit up with the truth of the words that cost her nothing to say. For a suspended moment, he saw her so clearly and it was as impossible to separate the way Ash and Cinder twined inextricably together as it was to imagine that she was anyone but Ash right now.
Jun was only confident in two things: 1) he would never be able to fully understand what it meant to straddle the lines between this world and that of his dreams, and 2) a significant part of him didn’t care which woman stood in front of him because he loved them both. He loved them both despite all of the reasons why it shouldn’t work, and despite all of the ways in which they both made him question himself, and his choices, and despite the fact that he wasn’t entirely comfortable with these worlds they shared in common.
He’d been so lost in his own thoughts, so mesmerised by the nearness of her, that Jun didn’t even register what he was doing until he was leaning down, closing the space between them, and giving her the kiss that, if he were truly honest with himself, he’d been wanting to give since that day she’d all but barged into his office. As soon as he realized what he’d done, though, Jun reluctantly made himself pull back, even though his nerves sparked and sang with the renewed knowledge of how it felt to kiss her. “Please,” he implored her, a small breath escaping from between his lips, “just tell me that I feel this way because you’re you. I’ll forgive the lie, if it’s not true, I just need to know that I’m not just confusing some other world’s influence with…this. I need at least that.”
It didn't matter that Ash had been watching Jun closer than she might have even dared in the last handful of months, her attempts at convincing herself that they could have a simple friendship after so many years of history forcing the space. It didn't matter that they were already standing so close together, his presence downright intoxicating. It didn't matter that she knew him, even after a few weeks of distance and a web of confusion between them thanks to the dreams. Despite all of that, she couldn't have predicted that Jun would kiss her. Her mind didn't even seem to make the connection that it was happening until what may have very well been years after his mouth found hers, the impossibility of it so strong in her mind making the realization and relief that came with it that much sweeter.
Ash knew what it was to kiss Jun Li. He had been her first kiss all those years ago and together they had learned and perfected the art over seven years. She had spent ten years believing that the last kiss they had shared would also be the final one, but now -- now he had kissed her. And even after ten years, it was good. It was everything. It was right.
But the kiss came to an end, perhaps far sooner than Ash might have liked. Her own nerves seemed to be on fire, pleasantly smoldering within her as she blinked at Jun. It might have been harder to concentrate on his words in the wake of his kissing her, were it not for the fact that he had given her a reason to hope. Raising her hand, Ash allowed her palm to rest gently at his jaw, fingers gingerly touching his cheek as she cupped his face; it was a touch she wouldn't have been brave enough to take even moments before. She wasn't even sure if she should be doing it now, but she couldn't stop herself if she tried.
"I have been in love with you since we were teenagers." Ash's voice was quiet, but firm as she continued, "Even when we were apart, my heart was always yours. I told myself it wasn't, but I was lying to myself. Those feelings have nothing to do with Cinder or Kai or anything going on in their lives. It has everything to do with you. I'm sure of it." Her thumb made a gentle sweep over his cheek. "I want to hope that anything you feel has everything to do with me, too. Our history is too long and ours to be anything else."
Though Jun wasn’t sure it was so easy to let go of the fears that had been swirling in him since he’d found out she was dreaming of Cinder, he couldn’t help the way the relief lifted at least some of the weight he’d been shouldering for months. Without the weight, it was at least easier to work through parts of it, like the fact that Ash wasn’t Cinder, and she wasn’t Lunar, and that meant that it was impossible to manipulate his emotions the way Levana had. He knew what it felt like to be manipulated like that and he’d never felt that way with Ash. However complicated his emotions were, he would cling to the fact that they at least belonged to him.
He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, not sure if he was allowed to take comfort from it but doing so, anyway.
“The world, either of them,” Jun started, voice barely above a whisper as his hand came up to curl around hers, “doesn’t feel as heavy, or as loud, when I’m with you.”
A twinge started in Ash's heart as she watched Jun, his eyes falling shut as he pressed into her touch. It was a sight that she hadn't thought she'd ever get to see again. When they had said goodbye to one another and their relationship, she had assumed that she'd never again have the opportunity to be in a moment like this with him. Like him, she didn't know if she was allowed to take comfort in any of this, but she didn't even bother trying not to, especially when his hand rose to touch hers.
The twinge erupted into an all out explosion at his words. Ash knew exactly what he meant. Though their lives looked very different when it came to how they spent their workdays, it didn't stop her from knowing how it felt to be around him. Anything remotely stressful or difficult in her life seemed somehow less when she was with Jun. He made every mountain feel surmountable, dulling the harsh edges of her life as Ash Liang and the even harder reality of Linh Cinder. It had been that way when they were teenagers and it was that very way now, as they had tried to navigate a path of friendship. It was that way even then, in the very moment they were standing in. Ash had dated other men since they'd broken up, many of them very good people she'd liked a lot, but none of them had left her with the sense of ease and comfort that Jun did.
"My worlds are quieter when I'm with you, too," Ash murmured in response, her voice just as soft as his. "Maybe," she continued, hesitating a heartbeat as she considered her words before slowly finishing, "Maybe we should be with each other."
Jun felt the last of his resistance crumbling away and took comfort in knowing that it was of his own doing, and not because anyone had forced it upon him. Being here with Ash, being with Ash, wouldn’t magically solve all of the problems that this world and the next presented, but he knew it in his bones that being away from her would only make his problems bigger. Maybe, just maybe, he was allowed to work through them with her by his side. Maybe in this world, he could have a happier ending.
“Maybe you’re right,” he replied, his arm going around her to gently pull her closer. And this time, when he kissed her, he wasn’t holding back.
Ash saw the kiss coming this time and she immediately moved on instinct, able to keep her balance as he pulled her in and sliding her arm around his shoulders as she met Jun in the kiss. The meaning of his words and the kiss itself lifted a weight from her that she hadn't even realized that she had been carrying until that very moment, despite that it likely had started to collect the moment they had reconnected over the network. All of the walls, albeit it flimsy, and denial that she had been operating under in an attempt to have only a friendship with Jun disappeared, leaving her with nothing but relief. This was where they belonged, she thought; together, in one another's arms, and lending strength and support. The troubles in their lives still existed, but they were together. It was why they had been so good together in their younger years, she now knew. It wasn't until there was distance between them that everything went wrong.
But it seemed fruitless to consider what they could have done different and what their lives could look like had they known then what they knew now. All Ash cared about was that their paths might have diverged for a time, but they had come back together again. Now that she was reminded of what that felt like, she was determined not to let him go again.